The Life and Lies of the Upper East Side
by Kate2008
Summary: Sometimes loving someone new is all we need to remind us that the one we left behind is the one. Blair left Chuck 4 years ago, unable to come to terms with their past. Now she wants him back; the problem, he no longer wants her. C/B
1. Prologue: The Little Black Box

So this is a story I've been working on for almost a year now on and off. Originally it was set post season 3, it has now adapted to be post season 4. It is a Chuck and Blair future fic in which Blair went back to Chuck after the events of the season 4 finale then ran off before deciding 4 years later to come home. This is the prologue before i post the first chapter. Hope you all enjoy it.

Also: I'm having some trouble naming a male OC that will be in this fic. He's Southern, brown hair, blue eyes, comes from money, and is really smart (last name Davenport). I have a poll on my profile with some of my ideas so take it and let me know what you think.

Rated: T as per usual. I'll bump it up to M when necessary.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Thanks as always to my wonderful beta, **ggff-fan**.

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><p><strong>Prologue: The Little Black Box<strong>

Chuck was looking down at the small square box in his hand, the same square box he'd been looking at for what had felt like hours. He turned it over in his hands feeling the velvet casing, mostly soft under his fingers. His thumb hit a spot particularly worn, reminding him of the way he'd held this box for every second of every day for so long. He'd been scared to let it go; scared it would mean the end. He would sit and stare at its contents as though they were the only thing left in the world and in many respects they were.

It had been a long time now since he'd last touched the box, longer still since he'd last opened it; maybe close to two and 1/2 years since he'd clasped it in his hand. He remembered the day he'd misplaced it; after all how does one forget they day they lose something that had become a continuation of themselves?

He'd been running late getting to the office, missing the beginning of a board meeting that was _critical _- not that he even remembered what the meeting was about now - to his success in rebuilding Bass Industries. Chuck shook his head, smirking slightly at the thought.

He'd been shuffling through everything in his office trying to find one particular paper. If he could just find that one paper the meeting wouldn't be a total disaster. So he'd searched every drawer, every shelf and every file only to remember that he'd given it to his secretary the day before to run copies.

He didn't realize that he'd dropped the black box in his search until halfway through the board meeting. The moment the realization had hit him his heart had stopped, his mind clicking off - there was nothing more important than that box.

He'd excused himself, immediately rushing back to the office where he proceeded to turn everything on its head looking for his misplaced appendage; when he couldn't find it he proceeded to do the same to his penthouse, his limo, practically his entire hotel.

What if she came back and he didn't have it? He couldn't lose it, couldn't lose her. At the time, Chuck couldn't begin to comprehend the fact that he already had. When he recognized that it was well and truly gone, every emotion he'd been holding in for the past year and a half collapsed in on him.

All his confidence that she was sure to return, all his strength in knowing they were meant to be, dissolved and in that moment he was ruined. He'd become the disaster everyone else had expected from the beginning and cried harder than he had the night of his father's funeral.

For months after that he'd hired PI's whose sole assignment was tracking that particular ring, trying to find it's whereabouts, waiting for it to come up at auction or be passed through the black market. Nothing was ever found.

Turning the box in his hands now, Chuck fiddled with the opening, tracing it back and forth but not pushing, never pushing. It was ironic that today was the day he'd found it, ironic that today when his hand had been digging in a drawer he'd knocked something small - a pen- and it had rolled out of reach. Apparently this particular drawer was missing its back, upon reaching further to grab the pen, he'd felt the brush of soft velvet.

Immediately his hand had recoiled, surprised at the texture. After a moment's pause, he'd returned his hand, wrapping his fingers around the black box that had once been knocked from the same drawer as the pen, only to be left to balance on another small beam.

Why today? Why had he found the box today when he hadn't seen it in years? It was true that he preferred the computer and rarely used the many drawers of the desk, but today he'd needed to look at an old account, today he'd dropped the pen while withdrawing a paper, today he'd found the box.

Chuck couldn't stop staring at the box, his mind was completely blank and he was lost in the box; lost in why it had chosen today of all days to be found. Time passed but he had no concept of such. It was like this that Nate found him late that evening, still sitting in his desk chair staring down at the box in his hands.

"Man, why is it so dark in here?" Nate asked, recoiling slightly as he walked into Chuck's office. He had plans with Chuck at six for a game of pickup basketball and he'd never showed. Nate had only come to the office because Chuck wasn't answering his phone.

Chuck didn't look up from his hands, didn't once break his stare; in fact Chuck didn't even acknowledge Nate's presence.

Stepping forward into the room Nate began to grasp that there was something seriously off with the situation, something completely abnormal. "Chuck, what's up? Why are you just sitting there?" When Chuck still didn't answer Nate began to feel frustrated. "Seriously, I'm not going to shut up until you tell me so you might as well get it ov-"

"She's back." Chuck spoke, interrupting Nate.

Nate shrugged, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion. Chuck's voice sounded darker than he'd heard it in years, it wasn't the voice of the Chuck Bass he knew, it was the voice of a different man; a man with more problems than the world could supply solutions. "Who's back? Do you mean Gwen? I thought she wasn't getting back until next week."

Chuck shook his head deliberately. "No, not Gwen. She's still in Italy." Chuck finished, his thumb once more finding its way to the worn spot of the box. He squeezed the box lightly, not enough to open it, just enough to create a little bit of tension as Nate patiently waited. "It's Blair. Blair's back." Chuck finished, still not meeting Nate's inquiring gaze.

Nate's mouth went dry as he stared at his best friend, his eyes finally drifting down to what lay in Chuck's hands. For a moment his heart froze, Blair Waldorf was back in Manhattan, after all this time Blair was back. Running a hand over his head, Nate sighed in exasperated astonishment. "Whoa." He spoke lightly, now looking everywhere but at Chuck. When his eyes once more rested on the shadowed figure of his friend he spoke again. "So what does this mean?"

Chuck's head popped up automatically as he was drawn from his thoughts. "What do you mean?" He asked, his voice still dark but now infused with curiosity.

Narrowing his eyes, Nate walked towards Chuck's desk. "What do I mean?" Nate repeated disbelievingly. "You can't seriously be asking me that. This is Blair we're talking about. The love of your life, your savior, your destroyer. The girl who tore your heart out when she left." Nate paused noticing that his hand was clutching his chest as he'd become impassioned by his speech.

Slowing his voice, Nate calmed down. "So for the second time, what does this mean?"

This time as Chuck spoke he sat the small black box down on his desk. "Nothing. It means nothing."

"Chuck-" Nate started, ready to shake some sense into his friend. He knew Chuck, knew that Chuck would put up a strong front but this changed everything.

Chuck's eyes connected with Nate's for the first time in the conversation as he cut him off. "No Nathaniel, it really means nothing."

Nate could barely withhold a gasp, struggling to manage as he realized that Chuck wasn't simply saying that out of anger, or grief, or some misguided belief that he couldn't give in first, for once it seemed as though he truly meant it.

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><p>Hope you liked it :) Review and let me know what you thought and I'll try to have the next chapter up soon.<p>

xoxo - Kate


	2. In the Days Before

Wow so I guess you guys like it lol. This chapter is a bit of a backtrack from the prologue, it's set before that to kind of give a bit of explanation into what exactly was going on in the opening. Also to those of you who voted in the poll thanks. There was overwhelming support for one name so that's what I went with.

There are images of Gwen and Austin on my profile and Gwen's gala dress if you want to check them out!

To my reviewers**: wrighthangal, Krazy4Spike, CBfanhere, CarolinaGirl21, GGfanficfan09, Cecrecy, andi, tinamarie333, Kadlin, SouthernBelle88, Maribells, Sw33tHeart21, Stella296, Noirreigne, CuriousBlonde, LovelyLydia, LitPrincess2787, Maddtown, and GGfan73104. **The response to the prologue was amazing and completely unexpected. You guys are awesome and I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Thanks to my always amazing beta **ggff-fan**!

**Chapter 1: In the Days Before**

"Where do you think you're going?" Chuck mumbled as he held fast to Gwen's arm.

Gwen looked down at her boyfriend, the man she'd thought to be asleep. His hair was disheveled, his eyes still shut, the sheet not quite covering his bare chest. "Chuck I have a plane to catch." She spoke softly but firmly as she tucked a piece of hair behind her ear with the hand Chuck wasn't holding fast to.

Groaning, Chuck tugged her arm toward him. "No, postpone the trip. Stay here."

Laughing Gwen sat gingerly back down on the bed. Smiling as she ran one hand through his mess of hair. "You know I can't. The board is going to name me as CEO next week and I have to go tie up the loose ends at the Italy office."

Opening his eyes slowly, he gazed at the woman before him. Even as her words brought him back to the first time he met her.

_"God damn it Arthur get out of my office!"_

_Chuck heard the shouting from down the hallway and increased the speed of his somewhat leisurely stroll. He was here to see Michael Chancellor, the CEO of Avalon Cosmetics concerning a joint business venture they were hosting at Chuck's new set of clubs. Avalon was supposed to add the mystic edge Bass Industries had become known for. But walking instead to where he heard shouts he ran into a young man, probably close to his age, fleeing an office._

_Curiosity getting the better of him, Chuck looked inside to find a girl about the age of the young man, sitting at a desk with her head in her hands. "You sure sent him running." Chuck spoke, his usual suggestive tone in place as he walked into the room._

_"My brother will get over it." Gwen spoke through her emotions, head still in her hands._

_"Are you okay?" He asked, his usual suave put on hold as he actually felt compassion towards the young woman._

_Looking up Gwen met the eyes of the young man in front of her. "Who the hell are you?" She practically spat. At the same time she was quick to absorb his handsome features and kept appearance. He must be a business associate of her fathers. That's when she remembered her father's ten o'clock appointment. "You're Chuck Bass." She spoke with a nod._

_Chuck shot her a slightly confused yet still concerned impression, this girl's erratic behavior was throwing him. "Yes I'm here to see Mr. Chancellor. We're supposed to discuss the opening of Fleur de Lis."_

_Gwen knew what Chuck was talking about, she'd been against the business venture with Bass Industries from the start - why should Avalon Cosmetics involve themselves in a line of high class night clubs? Her father on the other hand had insisted it worked with their Lifestyles line. "Are you heartless?" She spoke with narrowed eyes, though as she did she reasoned that from his current appearance Chuck Bass was behind on the times, if he'd come here today, especially without calling to confirm that there was still a meeting. Yes, Chuck was completely lost. "You haven't heard the news yet have you?"_

_Chuck walked slowly forward taking in the girl before him. She'd been crying when he'd gotten there he was sure of it, but now you wouldn't have been able to tell. She had an inner strength driving her but she was dealing with something she wasn't sure she was strong enough to handle. Angelic features and long blonde hair could have made her look like a brainless Barbie but her eyes were far too alert and discerning for him to make that mistake - eyes that were a deep brown. "I just flew in from Beijing - I confess I might be a bit behind."_

_Gwen scoffed, narrowing her eyes. "So it hasn't gone international yet." She spat more to herself than him, before turning her attention back to Chuck. "My whore of a stepmother was sleeping with my uncle - on the table of the boardroom I might add. Granted they were much closer in age, "_

_Chuck had actually met the stepmother the woman was referring to and thought she was quite trashy, not that he'd said anything to Mr. Chancellor about it; it had been obvious that the man was enamored by her._

_"You see, we've all known about that for a while - except Daddy of course, he was blind to that little witch. But it became public knowledge when Daddy, along with half the board, walked in on them." Gwen spoke, pausing for a moment as she looked away._

_Chuck made a movement to speak, or stop her from continuing. This was all a little personal. But Gwen held up her hand and continued._

_Looking back at Chuck, hand still slightly raised she continued. "My father had a heart attack when he caught them."_

_Chuck was flooded by a sense of panic and insecurity, not to mention sympathy. "I hope he's doing well."_

_Gwen's jaw was locked as she spoke her next words. "The funeral was yesterday."_

_Mentally, Chuck cursed himself for his attitude when he'd walked in. The girl had just lost her father, she didn't need him in her business. Not to mention he should have called to confirm the appointment. "I am truly sorry. Michael was a good man."_

_Gwen shrugged a little. "Don't be. It would never have happened if he hadn't left my mother for that skank."_

_She paused a moment and in that moment Chuck could see just how sad she was. "You want to go somewhere and talk?" He asked, unsure of why he was offering to console a girl who'd been nothing but rude to him. Empathy was never his thing._

_Gwen looked at Chuck strangely, sure she was about to say no, surprising herself more than him when she'd said okay._

Pushing himself to a sitting position he leaned in and placed a soft kiss on her lips. "I'm proud of you - you know that right?"

Gwen nodded and placed another kiss on his lips. "Of course." She spoke softly. "Thank you for believing that I could do this - believing that the board would choose me over my brothers."

Chuck nodded. "I'm always going to believe in you." He knew what he said was true, he believed in Gwen more than he believed that the sun would rise in the next few hours. She was strong, stronger than she often realized and confident almost to a fault. And they supported each other equally - each finding they excelled on their own but always had the other to fall back on. "I wish I could come with you - keep you company."

Gwen looked at Chuck affectionately. "But your place is here at Bass Industries."

Nodding in agreement, Chuck traced the line of her jaw. "My place is here. Hurry home from Italy, I have a surprise waiting for you when you get back."

Gwen's eyes lit up. "A surprise. You know I love surprises."

Chuck smirked. "Oh I know and let me just say that this particular surprise is good, even for me." He couldn't help the light feeling in his stomach that he felt every time he looked at her, the fire he felt touching her, and the all consuming love he felt being with her. The first time he'd felt the lightness it had scared the hell out of him, but now it was in a sense life affirming.

_It had been a long time since Chuck had been nervous about a girl. Several months if you counted Blair, years if you didn't. Yet here he stood with a feeling that could only be classified as nerves seeping through his system._

_He'd invited Gwen to the gala on a whim. Their conversation at lunch had been good, they had a definite connection. Both were young but both had undertaken a lot of responsibility since the death of their fathers. And both had a certain resilience about them that seemed to inform everyone that they'd do whatever it took to come out on the other side of whatever they were faced with._

_He wasn't sure what it was in particular that had made him want to see her again. Maybe it was her beauty but there were beautiful girls all over New York, maybe it was their similarities, but he had a feeling that wasn't it either. Gwen had this sparkle about her that seemed to draw him in. He simply wanted to know her. So three days ago at the conclusion of lunch he'd invited her to join him at the 10th Annual Bass Industries Gala._

_Now he waited anxiously at the foot of the grand staircase for her arrival. He'd been required to attend a board function prior to the Gala so he'd sent the limo to collect her. Arthur had called to tell him that he'd picked her up almost half an hour ago but she'd yet to arrive._

_Engaging in light conversation with the gentleman next to him, Chuck might have missed it if the room hadn't quieted. The change in the air was almost palpable as he turned on his heels to face the stairs once more. She was impossible to miss. Her hair fell down her back in waves leaving her shoulders exposed in an incredible red dress. As she descended the stairs Chuck couldn't have looked away if he had wanted to. She was breathtaking._

_Taking her hand in his as she reached the bottom of the staircase Chuck placed an almost careful kiss on her hand before tucking it inside his arm. In turn she lifted her perfect eyebrows at him as a light smirk seemed to rise to her lips. "Such the gentleman tonight."_

"_I'm always a gentleman." Chuck spoke, his voice low almost dark as he handed her a glass of champagne._

_Gwen shook her head slowly, raising the glass to her lips. "Maybe I'm not looking for a gentleman." He could feel the energy sparking between the two of them as she spoke again. "But maybe I am."_

_He responded to her statement with a smile and led her out on the almost open dance floor. "Tonight we'll have fun and I'll be a gentleman and we can see where we go from there."_

_Smiling as he began to lead her around the dance floor, Gwen knew that they were testing one another but she didn't mind. Their connection was clear but they were seeing what the other was made of. He knew already that she wasn't shy or afraid of talk as she'd ventured out to this gala only a week after her father's death. And she knew that he wasn't all what his reputation claimed he was by the fact that he had asked her on a real date. And on top of that she knew he could dance. "Where'd you learn to waltz?" She asked curiously._

_Chuck felt a shudder slip down his spine at the memory of years passed but he realized in that moment that the shudder wasn't quite so painful as it normally was, it was almost just a flicker. Looking into her eyes, he was completely taken aback. For the first time the memory of Blair hadn't sent him running, for the first time he was still standing tall appreciating the beauty of another woman. "Cotillion." He spoke after a lengthy pause. "And you?"_

_Gwen knew that something different had just passed between her and Chuck. She knew that something about him had just changed because now the intensity and awe he was gazing at her with was simply incredible. The only word she could think of was wonderstruck. "My mother insisted I learn. So she sent me to lessons."_

"_You didn't Deb?" Chuck asked actually curious. He didn't remember the last time a girl who was a part of their world hadn't been a Debutante._

_Gwen shook her head with a smirk coming to her face once more. "I'm newer money than you Bass. My father made his money around the time I started high school."_

_Chuck took the new information in stride. He should have realized. Avalon was a newer company of course but he didn't think it was quite that new. "I thought Avalon was older than that." Chuck spoke in response to the inquiring look on her face._

_Nodding Gwen considered her next words carefully before she spoke. "Avalon was founded before I was born. But my father struggled at first. He wouldn't take help from anyone. Not to mention he had a few . . . vices that he was funding on the side."_

_Chuck didn't have to ask what she meant by vices, he knew them well. Drugs, Gambling, Sex._

_Swallowing as she looked into Chuck's ever attentive eyes, Gwen surprised herself at how much she was willing to share. "My mom helped him get his act together when I was a freshman, just so that he could throw her out on her ass the second he made it big."_

"_I'm sorry." Chuck said with a frown. He knew from experience what it was like to doubt one's father. He'd been there time and time again._

_Gwen shrugged. "It's made me who I am." Shaking her head Gwen started to laugh. "You know, I wouldn't even trade the fact that I went to public school."_

_Chuck's eyebrows shot up. "Public school?"_

_Gwen was still laughing as she nodded. "Hard to imagine isn't it? I'm so polished and proper yet I went to a public high school in Tennessee of all places."_

_Chuck couldn't help but shake his head as he began to laugh with her. "So it's made you who you are?"_

"_It has." Gwen spoke as she began to calm down, her heart beat returning to normal as her laugher slowed. The intensity had returned to Chuck's gaze and she was anxiously waiting to hear what he was about to say; for what reason she wasn't sure._

"_Maybe more people should go to public school." Chuck spoke, his voice dropping lower._

_Smiling Gwen allowed him to pull her closer. "Maybe they should."_

_The night seemed to pass in a happy blur as they alternated between dancing and working the room. They continued to find that they were almost perfect compliments. She had a groundness about her that seemed to charm everyone she spoke with yet at the same time she was the picture of beauty and elegance. Every time Chuck looked at her he felt it, he felt his heart quicken. He never wanted this feeling to stop._

_As the night drew to a close and people began to leave Chuck spun her on the floor one last time. Drawing her in he caught her chin with his fingers, feeling the energy pulse between them he watched her chest rise and fall as she tilted her chin upwards. She was as nervous as he was yet at the same time she seemed so certain as she parted her lips ever slightly_.

_Slowly realizing that permission had been granted, Chuck leaned his mouth forwards and allowed his lips to tenderly touch hers. Moving his lips against hers felt almost like a dance in itself as his whole body seemed to come alive. He hadn't felt like this in so long – he just never wanted it to stop._

_As Chuck kissed her, Gwen felt her entire world awaken. Reaching up she wrapped her hands around his head pulling him more tightly to her. Deepening the kiss she felt herself rise to the tip of her toes in his arms. She didn't care who saw or what they'd say on page 6 the next day. All she cared about was the way Chuck made her feel and right now she felt exquisite._

_Breaking away Chuck was breathing heavily as he stared into her deep brown eyes. "Stay with me tonight." He spoke his voice nothing more than a low rumble._

_Gasping Gwen could feel his body heat through her dress, seemingly magnified by its connection to her own body. She froze there, staring deeply into Chuck's eyes and assessing every thought and feeling running through her. Quickly releasing her hands from around his neck, she allowed them to slide onto his shoulders and down to his lapels. Smiling she shook her head. "No. I don't think so."_

_Disappointment coursed through him. How could he be the only one who'd felt it? It wasn't possible was it? But if she'd felt it like he'd felt it she wouldn't be going home tonight. "Why?" He asked increasingly confused._

_At that Gwen smirked. "Because I think I might actually like you Chuck Bass." Pausing she leaned forwards until her mouth was against his ear. "But you're going to have to work for it."_

_Chuck couldn't help but return her smirk even as he shook his head. "Challenge accepted."_

"_Good. I look forward to it." Gwen spoke, her voice all business as she took a step backwards. "Now if you'll call Arthur I'll be requiring the use of your limo."_

_Smiling Chuck nodded. And as he put her into the limo a few minutes later he couldn't help but smile because he knew she'd felt it too. They'd both felt the start of something new, something incredible._

So much had changed in the year or so since that night at the Gala but Chuck knew that that night had changed his life in every way that mattered.

Smiling Gwen kissed him again before standing. "I can't wait."

"I love you Gwen." Chuck spoke, his voice low but powerful at the same time. He'd learned over time that each and every time was special and important and meant something.

Gwen looked at Chuck one of her hands holding lightly to one of his. "I love you too Chuck, more than I've ever loved anyone."

Chuck's smile brightened even as she pulled away. He was careful with those three words but Gwen usually threw them around like they were nothing. Yet she always seemed to have a way of showing him how much she meant them.

Staring across the table, Blair peered at Austin over her reading glasses. She smirked a little thinking how unnecessary the reading glasses were, she just liked that they made her look intelligent - something her fiancé needed no help with. She watched as he pushed his tousled brown hair back over his head and bit his lip in concentration. As she poured over wedding plans, he diligently studied for finals. Unlike Austin, she had already studied for finals - he on the other hand had opted to procrastinate until the last minute.

"What?" He asked with a self-conscious grin, looking up as he noticed her stare. His mind drifting to the first time he'd ever seen her, the moment he knew she was going to be in his life for as long as he could keep her. The moment he'd met her, each of them at the end of their junior year at Duke University, each of them applying to Stanford Law, he'd known he'd never met anyone like her.

_Austin smirked to himself as he spotted the brunette who'd just walked into the advising waiting room. Her dark chocolate curls just resting on her shoulders, her sunglasses still on. Everything about her was impeccable and something screamed confidence. He also quickly noted that like many Duke girls, she wasn't from the south, her wardrobe screamed northern; however completely breaking the stereotype for Duke girls, she was one of the most beautiful girls he'd ever seen._

_She took the seat across from him and before he knew it he was speaking. "Pre-Law?" He asked an obvious question to his voice. It was Pre-Law hell week at Duke - they were required to report to advising with the schools they were planning to apply to so that advising could schedule their visits for the summer. Not to mention they were required to sign up for a series of LSAT classes. It was the start of everything that would go on to define the rest of their lives._

_Blair lifted her eyes from her cell phone and looked at the young man in front of her appraisingly. He was cute, slightly tousled brown hair, classic good looks, and an air of good breeding about him - he came from money; who was she kidding, he was more than cute, he was downright gorgeous. "And you are?" She asked, her voice strong with only a tinge of condescension._

_"Austin Davenport." He spoke, amused by the girl before him; something about her was utterly surprising. As he spoke he extended his hand for her to shake._

_Blair's eyebrows lifted in surprise though she was doing her best to mask that particular emotion. She didn't care for this new acquaintance of hers to know just yet what she was thinking about him. Not until she had placed him into a category. Either he wasn't on her radar, he was competition, or in the rarer instances - a possible friend. In the past she might have had a fourth category and he might have qualified but she was done with that for a long time. Yet still she couldn't quite disguise her interest as she lifted her sunglasses, placing them on her head. "Of the Charleston Davenports?"_

_This time it was Austin who raised his eyebrows. "Not often I meet someone who knows that." He spoke hand still outstretched. "We only lived there the first seven years of my life, the next seven in England, and then the last seven in Chicago." He spoke without really thinking why - he never spoke this much but he felt on edge around her. He wanted to seem impressive. Struggling to regain his usual cavalier attitude, Austin spoke. "Do I get a name?"_

_Blair smirked slightly, finally placing her hand in his. "Blair Waldorf."_

_"Of the New York Waldorf's?" He countered immediately._

_Blair nodded, holding back a grimace at the mention of New York, she wasn't quite ready to endure mention of that city that was once so much a part of her. That part of her was gone, the New York Blair Waldorf was dead. "Of the New York Waldorf's." She confirmed._

_"So which schools are you applying too?" Austin asked, desperate to continue the conversation as she removed her hand from his. She was drawing him in like a magnet and he couldn't even begin to look away._

_The smirk returned to Blair's lips as she corrected him. "School. Singular."_

_Austin found a little bit of his normal swagger returning and he thanked whatever higher power existed because now was not the time for his charm to disappear. "That sure of your decision?"_

_Lifting one eyebrow merely centimeters Blair replied. "That confident that I only need one." When Austin stayed silent for a moment, she spoke more to pass the time than anything else. "What about you? What are your schools of choice?"_

_Giving her a half smile he mimicked her earlier words. "School. Singular."_

_"That confident?" She asked parroting her own reasoning._

_Austin nodded. "It's the only one I've ever wanted."_

_"Which is?" Blair asked leadingly._

_Austin shook his head. "I was the one that asked you first."_

_Shrugging Blair leaned back in her seat. "Fine, you don't have to tell me."_

_Sighing as he realized that the girl he was dealing with wasn't like the girls he was used to and his easy charm wasn't going to be quite enough to win her over, he caved quickly. "Stanford. I'm only applying to Stanford."_

_And just like that Austin was categorized. . .competition. Blair's face remained a perfect mask as she leaned in once more. "You should reconsider because you're not getting that spot."_

_Surprise lit his eyes at the confrontational hint to her tone but he was quick to understand. "Stanford is your one too." He spoke, surprised at the disappointment he felt._

_"Everyone knows they are infamous for taking only one student from each of the other pre-law programs than their own." She stated, her protective instincts rallying._

_"They claim that their own undergrads are the best prepared." Austin continued a frown appearing on his features. "Why Stanford? Why not Harvard, Columbia, or Yale."_

_Blair had to resist a snort. "Harvard is too stuffy, not to mention vastly overrated. Columbia and Yale are part of my past. Stanford is my future. I'm Corporate Law and for that it's Columbia or Stanford. As I said, I'm not moving backwards."_

_Austin nodded, curious but understanding at the same time. He'd heard of the Stanford Corporate Law program. It was a conjoint effort between their Business school and Law school and it was renowned. At the same time he had no clue what she meant about Columbia and Yale being part of her past; though he finally seemed to come to a topic that he wasn't comfortable asking her about, not yet at least._

_"So why Stanford for you?" Blair asked, her curiosity getting the better of her._

_Austin met her gaze, smiling almost sadly, unable to stop himself from what he was about to say. "Stanford's all I've ever wanted. I grew up with stories of my parent's undergrad glory days there. I applied and got in undergrad, but it was my senior year of high school when my mom got sick. I hadn't known why we moved back to Charleston that past summer, I thought Dad had a major case here or something; I had no idea it was because she was sick. When it came to the time to choose a college, I couldn't go all the way to California when I didn't know how much time she had left. So I chose Duke - giving up my dream to be close to her. She died two months into my freshman year. Stanford undergrad doesn't do transfers, so Stanford Law is my chance at experiencing my dream and I'm not settling for less."_

_Exhaling, Blair was forced to remember the love she once had for Yale, the all consuming crushing feeling when it didn't happen. And something about that feeling caused her to ask a question she hadn't expected to come from her mouth. "Do you ever regret it? Coming here when you lost her so soon afterwards."_

_Pursing his lips, Austin gazed at her searchingly, for what he didn't know. "I've asked myself that before, though it's easier if I don't think about it because I don't think I could have made another decision - even though I only had her for two months more, it could have been three years more and I wouldn't have chanced the difference. Though sometimes, when I'm frustrated or angry, I get jealous of my younger siblings - both of whom got to make their own choice. Charlie chose Stanford and is about to finish his Freshman year, Arabella starts at Stanford in the fall."_

_"It's not fair, is it." Blair stated rather than asked as she stood and came to sit next to Austin - doing something out of character and placing a hand on his knee. "Being the one who has to be responsible I mean?"_

_Looking into Blair's eyes, Austin answered her. "No, it's not." As he spoke he continued staring at her because he felt it, he felt himself falling._

They'd been mostly friends, sometimes enemies, and always competition from that moment onwards. Though it wasn't as though they were given much of a choice as they were continually thrown together. Advising had scheduled their visits together along with the other two applicants and they'd been forced to spend the trip together as Blair had immediately classified the other two as not worth her time. They'd pushed each other through applications - the fact that a worthy competitor for their spot existed made each of them work that much harder. She'd done better on the LSAT, her 179 to his 177. But he'd scored the best recommendation.

It had been after the applications had been sent out that Blair let herself think about where she and Austin stood. She'd spent more time with him than anyone else she knew - constantly pushing each other on the applications; but now that that was over she didn't know where they were, or what they were. It was natural habit to be with him, to call him, to talk to him, to study with him. And at some point she went from thinking of him as competition to praying that Stanford proved them both wrong and offered two spots because along the way she'd started to fall for him and their friendship had turned into so much more. The day their acceptance letters came was one of the most exciting days of her life.

_Blair's heart was pounding a mile a minute as her envelope opener slid along the glued portion of the official looking package. Her hands were shaking as she opened the letter. For a moment she closed her eyes, not sure what she wanted the letter to say; if she had good news then that meant that Austin's dreams had been crushed and that thought made her sick._

_Opening her eyes, she scanned the first line. She'd gotten it. She'd gotten the spot. But she couldn't even force a smile to her face. She felt sick to her stomach. It was in that moment that she'd realized just the extent of her feelings._

_Sitting down on the couch of her apartment she found herself staring straight ahead at nothing. She couldn't think, couldn't function, wasn't even sure how she was managing to breathe anymore. It was some time later when she heard the knocking at the door. She didn't need to be told who was there - of course he would come to her._

_Forcing herself to open the door because she knew that he deserved that much from her, it was as her eyes met his that she really and truly broke. The look of complete devastation on his face said everything, his dreams had been crushed._

_Seeing the utter anguish in Blair's eyes nearly killed Austin as he stood in her doorway. Taking two steps in, he kicked the door closed and wrapped her tightly in his arms, hoping that everything he was feeling was conveyed in that._

_Folding herself into Austin's body, Blair felt the tears began to run down her face in rivers. This was more than she'd dealt with in so long, she'd been so careful not to open herself up to anyone, not to risk something like this happening to her again but she hadn't planned this, it had happened completely against her will. Here she was, unsure about what she wanted because it conflicted with something she was beginning to think she cared about more._

_Austin moved them to the couch when it became clear that they weren't going to be done anytime soon. Pulling her back into his arms, he realized that this was the closest they'd ever been emotionally if not physically - yeah they'd made out a few times but they'd never been touching everywhere like they were right now and never had she let him see her cry. He hated that it was his fault, hated that if he had picked another school she wouldn't be so unhappy right now. Not for the first time he began to wonder if his dream was worth it and was unsurprised to feel tears of his own stinging his eyes._

_After what must have been hours Blair finally found words as she pulled back to look into Austin's eyes. "I don't think that I can go without you."_

_The shock that hit him was momentarily paralyzing. It caused his brain to freeze for a moment and he was slower at putting things together than he normally would have been but after a few seconds it all began to click. Both of them had been upset because they'd thought the other hadn't gotten in. "You got in." He spoke, his voice almost awestruck._

_Blair furrowed her eyebrows. "Yeah, I'm sorry, I know what that means for you." She said but as she did she took in the sound of his voice and the expression now on his face. "You got in too." She spoke, unsurprised at the rush of happiness she felt._

_Elation ran through his body at the speed of light and they both burst into laughter, quickly followed by a different emotion as they both understood that they'd been devastated by the prospect that the other wasn't going to be happy and everything that meant._

_Leaning forwards he immediately captured her lips with his; kissing her with everything he'd been holding back all these months. Blair was trembling as she moved her lips against his, drawing him further in. She'd been trying so hard not to get attached, knowing they couldn't be together and now the things she was feeling were just so powerful. Pulling back only slightly she whispered, her voice shaking. "I can't believe I get to keep you."_

_"I love you." He responded with complete certainty. A certainty he'd never before experienced._

_"I love you too." Blair spoke, surprising even herself because she hadn't even chanced labeling it before that moment but now she knew without a doubt. Pulling him to his feet she led him to the bedroom, something she hadn't done in two years, not since Chuck. But in that moment Chuck was a memory and for the first time she felt like that was all he was; for the first time she felt completely happy._

They'd gotten an apartment together that fall, an apartment they still lived in. Blair shook her head and did her best to keep her face stern. "You can't procrastinate next year, if you do you won't finish the dreaded third year." She spoke referencing the third year of Stanford Law that was notoriously difficult.

Austin rolled his eyes but continued to grin. He couldn't help it; Blair brought that out in him. "Just because I don't over study during the year like some people." He responded pointedly. "I like waiting until the end so that I know I didn't forget anything."

Blair laughed, Austin smiled, and they both went back to what they were doing but it wasn't long before Blair found herself staring at him again. The invitation lists were sitting in front of her; hers and his. They'd been engaged for four months and as of that moment only Serena knew. The wedding invitation would be the first most of the people from her old life were hearing about it. The invitations were important but all she could think of was the one name she kept going back to on her list, crossing it out and rewriting it multiple times.

Slowly but surely she'd begun to feel the panic seep in. She'd heard of cold feet but not like this - not the kind that made your stomach twist into knots so tight that you couldn't breathe, couldn't think of anything else, except for the one thing that she shouldn't be thinking about. That's why she was staring at Austin right now - she had to remind herself of everything she loved about him, everything she'd be gaining when they got married. The book that she had hidden under her bed wasn't helping. An advance copy of The Life, Lies, and Loves of Bianca Windsor; Humphrey's third book which was all about her. No the book was not helping at all.

Austin looked up once more, meeting her gaze with a sturdier smile this time. "What now?"

Blair couldn't help the smile that graced her features. "You, Austin Davenport, are absolutely adorable when you study."

Immediately, Austin's smile turned into a smirk. "You, Blair Waldorf, are adorable all the time."

"Just adorable?" Blair asked, lifting an eyebrow and slipping easily into their normally flirty banter. Austin was a strange mix of every boy from her past. He had a little bit of Louis's gentlemanly ways, Nate's natural charm, Dan's witty banter, and a knack for scheming like. . . Blair stopped her thoughts there, unable to let herself think the name, or at least unwilling to admit that she was thinking of him, again. Austin was everything, he was supposed to be everything. He had the best features of every man she'd ever known and in the end he'd never hurt her, not really. And he'd made her happy, so happy.

A real smile peaking through his smirk Austin tried his best to seem as though he was speaking reluctantly. "More than adorable." Allowing himself to smile he began listing adjectives. "Amazing, beautiful, elegant, and entirely too loveable. And December cannot get here fast enough."

Blair smiled though she couldn't help but feel forced. Couldn't help but feel that December couldn't be closer. Feeling panicky again she looked away and drew her head back down to the plans in front of her. Comparing a list she'd made with one made by Austin. "I have at least twice the number of people on my list as you do." She spoke, an exasperated sigh leaving her.

Austin looked up and smiled slightly. "I'd say it were closer to three times as many."

Blair bit her bottom lip, doing her best to stop the agitated look she knew was close to appearing on her features. Planning this wedding was going to drive her crazy and right now the frustrations were too much. She could feel another breakdown coming on and didn't know how to stop it. Every step forward she took in planning her wedding to Austin made her stomach clench tighter. Because no matter how hard she tried she couldn't stop thinking about that one name she kept crossing off and rewriting. And every night she still fell asleep thinking "what if?" It hadn't started until she'd started planning the wedding but now she couldn't make it stop.

"Hey, hey." Austin spoke softly, reaching out to take his fiancé's hand. "It's okay, weddings are always stressful."

Shaking her head, Blair tried to force back the tears but found herself failing. "Nothing's going right. I want something big, you want something small. I want to move back home or stay in California afterwards, you want to go back to the South. We can't even agree on a venue." Blair spoke as tears began to slip from her eyes. Things were falling apart, she could feel it all the way to her core. Humphrey wasn't right about her was he? He couldn't have been right because that would mean that everything that she'd done the past four years had been wrong; that would mean that her whole life was a lie. Placing a hand on her chest to steady herself out of habit, her fingers ached at a piece of her that was no longer there and the fact that there was only herself to blame.

For the first time, Austin realized that Blair's frustrations might not be as generic as he'd originally thought they were; that Blair was being bothered more by this than he'd seen her by anything else. She hadn't even been this distraught when she thought that only one of them was going to get into Stanford. He got up and walked over to her, sitting in the chair next to her own and taking her hands in his. "Blair, there's still plenty of time to work everything else out. We have months of time to plan a wedding and our life together. All I want, all I need, is you."

Blair was physically jolted by his last words and the resonance they had with her. But those weren't his words to say, they were someone else's. She couldn't stop her mind from wandering back to that hot summer night in the middle of the New York blackout of 2011. The words that fled from her mouth next came of their own accord. She couldn't have stopped them if she tried - and she didn't want to try, not anymore. "I can't do this."

Austin looked at her strangely, unsure of what exactly she was talking about. "It's fine, we'll figure it out later."

Blair shook her head slowly. "Not I can't do this now, I can't do this at all." She spoke her voice shaky but growing stronger as she seemed to realize that she was doing the right thing. "I'm so sorry Austin but I can't marry you."

Austin looked on slack jawed as Blair pulled off his mother's ring and placed it in his hand. "Is it him?" He asked quietly. In truth he didn't know the other man's name, he'd never wanted to. He'd known that when he and Blair had first met she'd been getting over another relationship, she had been for some time. And it had taken most of their senior year for him to convince her to give him a chance romantically.

Blair pursed her lips tightly, her heart breaking a little at the pain she knew that she was causing a man that she loved but she couldn't lie to him anymore, she couldn't lie to herself. "Yeah it's him."

"After how badly he hurt you?" Austin asked, his voice unsure, unsteady. "Don't think I don't know that you were running from him when we met, that you ran from New York to North Carolina to get away, that you wouldn't go to Columbia for law school because you were too scared to be in the same city as him." Austin ran a hand over his head, mentally cursing the fact that he was practically yelling at her and couldn't seem to stop. "I don't know what he did to you Blair but I know it was bad."

Shaking her head Blair felt a single tear slip out. "I'm so so sorry Austin. I want to be the girl you met at Duke, I want to be your wife. But I'm not. I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart, and I don't think I ever really got it back."

Austin stood up and walked to the door, pausing with his hand on the door knob. "I'll go stay at Chris's tonight and take my last final. We can talk more tomorrow afternoon after we've each had time to think about this. I love you Blair and I'm not giving up."

Blair watched as he walked out. She hadn't said anything in return because she couldn't. She had no intention of being here when he got back from his exam. She'd prolonged this long enough and coming to the realization that she had, discovering that she'd never given things with Chuck the chance to be good, she didn't want to waste another moment going down the wrong path. Now all she wanted was to get back to New York, get back to Chuck. She would fix the mistake she'd made almost four years before, she'd fix it if it were the last thing she did.

**Gossip Girl here. Why is everyone so boring nowadays? Can't anyone bring back the spice into my life? I can tell you one thing it's times like these that I miss our Queen B. B, B, where have you gone and won't you please come back to us. Enough mopping, the juiciest tidbit I've heard in a while came today - sounds like N and S as well as C and G might be heading towards Tiffany's sooner rather than later. But even that feels dull. Someone get me something good, I'm getting bored.**

**xoxo****  
><strong>**Gossip Girl**

So I hope you liked this foray into what we've missed with C and B. This will get us caught up enough that I can bring some CB interaction into the next chapter. For those of you who are a little wary of the angst factor I should probably go ahead and say this won't be the lightest fic I've ever written.

Please review - I can't wait to hear what you guys think especially about Austin and Gwen!

xoxo  
>Kate<p> 


	3. Home Isn't What It Used To Be

**First off – I wanted to say how glad I am that you guys like this story. I thought it was interesting that some of you really like Gwen and some of you really like Austin (and some liked both). The goal was to make them at very least acceptable to all of you in that I needed everyone to be able to picture Blair with Austin and Chuck with Gwen for this fanfic to work. This chapter is a little shorter than most I write but it was the appropriate stopping place for this – something I think you'll agree on. As promised there will be present time CB interaction. **

**To my reviewers: **flipped, LitPrincess2787, Imortalrunes, CarolinaGirl21, wrighthangal, Stella296, Kadlin, SouthernBelle88, GGfan73104, GGfanficfan09, Rf, LovelyLydia, mrszoull, and Sw33theart21. **Sorry if I didn't respond to your review – this week has been super busy for me and I thought you'd rather have another chapter than my response **

**Thanks of course to my fantastic beta **ggff-fan!

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><p><strong>Chapter 2: Home Isn't What It Used to Be<strong>

Blair sighed as she looked up at her old home. She hadn't stepped inside the doors of this building since the day she left New York almost four years ago. She'd visited people, her parents mostly, but always out of the country, well almost always. Her mind started to drift to one of the two exceptions of the rule - the one that had ended particularly disastrously. But the sight of Serena entering the building startled her out of her reverie.

Sometimes it surprised her that Serena was still living there so long after she'd left, other times it made complete sense; that was just Serena. Though Blair had a sneaking suspicion that Serena wouldn't be living there much longer, the last time she'd talked to the blonde - to tell her about her engagement - Serena had indicated that it wouldn't be long before she'd be getting engaged as well.

Inhaling deeply, Blair waited only a moment more before exiting the ride she'd chartered from the airport and walking into the building she'd once called home. She watched as the doorman's eyes lit up with surprise.

"Ms. Waldorf, it's good to see you again." Mr. Jamison spoke, a smile emerging on his face. "It's been too long."

Blair smiled at the old man who'd been holding doors for her since before she could walk. "I couldn't agree more Mr. Jamison." Walking on inside, Blair made her way to the elevator, taking in the changes that had been made to the lobby only briefly - she'd have time for that later. Right now she needed to see Serena.

She exhaled as she rode the elevator up to the apartment. She was both excited and nervous to see Serena, currently the excitement was winning out but the nerves were still there. She knew she was going to get it handed to her for staying away for so long - especially since no one had known where she was.

Stepping into her foyer, Blair spotted Serena immediately. The blonde must have gotten the glass of water she was holding from the kitchen because she was walking into the foyer just as Blair was, only she wasn't paying any attention - some things never change.

"Hey S." Blair said softly as she came to a stop about ten feet away from her best friend.

Serena's head snapped up and the glass she was holding slid right through her hands crashing to the floor. "Blair?" She questioned, her voice airy, her eyes wide as though she'd seen a ghost. Blair smiled at her friend and Serena went rushing across the room, enveloping her in a tight hug. "OHMYGOD I didn't know you were coming! Is Austin with you?" She asked, the words pouring from her mouth as she held her best friend to her as tightly as she could.

Blair slowly extracted herself from the hug, allowing her purse to slip to the ground next to her roller board. She pursed her lips slightly, wondering just how to tell Serena what had happened. But it seemed her explanation wasn't meant to be as Serena noted a particular fixture missing from Blair's ring finger.

"B, where's your engagement ring?" Serena asked, her excitement dwindling to skepticism.

Still pursing her lips Blair felt her eyebrows furrow in concentration. She still wasn't sure where to start. Serena wasn't supposed to be her first stop, doing this the other way around would have been so much easier.

Becoming worried at Blair's lack of response, Serena took her friend's hands in her own. "Is everything okay? Is that why your home? Did Austin call off the engagement?"

As Serena continued to ask questions Blair finally exhaled read to speak - she had to be otherwise Serena would probably get the wrong idea. "I called off the engagement." She could tell Serena was about to ask more questions so she held up her hand. "I called off the engagement because I realized I'm still in love with Chuck. I never fell out of love with him and I couldn't marry Austin knowing that I'd never actually given my relationship with Chuck a chance to work out." A smile appeared on her face as she spoke; she couldn't believe how ready she was for all of this to be over so she and Chuck could finally try to be together again, couldn't believe it had taken so long for her to get here.

Serena's expression went from one of concern, to confusion and finally to worry. "Oh, wow. That wasn't what I was expecting."

Blair shook her head a small smile on her face. "I mean really Serena you should know well enough by now, no matter what happens Chuck and I always come back to each other." Blair spoke her words certain.

Serena couldn't help but notice the look in Blair's eyes. It was the Prince Charming look she always used to get when she talked about what her wedding to Nate would be like when they were kids. The look she had when she thought that she could marry Louis, the look when she was single-mindedly focusing on one thing as though her focus alone would make it true. Blair was on cloud nine right now and Serena had no idea how she'd gotten there; at the same time there was a certain desperation in her eyes, one Serena couldn't quite place. "Blair, it's been four years, four long years. How do you know that you're even still in love with Chuck? Neither of you are the same people you used to be."

"Oh come on, S. We're Chuck and Blair, Blair and Chuck, we're inevitable, we're magnetic, we're meant to be and we always will be." Blair said definitively.

Serena exhaled. "You left him B, you ran out without a word. It crushed him, you can't just sweep back in and expect things to go back to normal."

Blair smiled. "I know S, I do. I have a lot to make up for and I fully intend for him to put me through my paces but in the end he'll remember that we're inevitable." Sighing, she smiled. "I need to see him though, he needs to know I'm back. I stopped by the Empire on my way in but they told me he hasn't lived there in years."

Serena was becoming consumed by concern for a very different reason than she had been when she'd first realized that Blair wasn't wearing a ring. Both times it was out of concern for Blair's heart but this concern was much scarier because if Blair truly believed what she was saying, her heart was about to be shattered. "Chuck and Nate have the top floor of the New Yorker now." She spoke her words slow and deliberate.

Blair furrowed her brows as she lifted a shoulder. "Why? The Empire was Chuck's baby."

Inhaling Serena chose her words carefully. "Chuck moved out of the Empire after coming back from the Hamptons two summers ago." Pausing awkwardly she wasn't sure how to say what she had to say. "He still owns the hotel but the New Yorker is his baby now."

Blair felt a slight twinge of disappointment that something so symbolic of their relationship wasn't a part of Chuck anymore but she wasn't surprised that the change had occurred two summers ago. For the second time that day Blair's mind began to drift back to that summer, the one she'd decided it would be safe to visit the Hamptons, it was early, no one was supposed to be there yet, but someone was. Once more she pulled herself from thoughts of that summer and back to the present. "Oh well, I hate to run when I've just gotten here but I've waited so long for this, I really don't want to waste any more time."

Serena swallowed, trying to think of the best way to do this but honestly she was never all that great with situations like this. Saying the first words that came to mind Serena prepared herself for Blair's reaction. "You didn't wait for him B, do you honestly think he's just been waiting for you?"

Blair looked at her curiously, Serena was hiding something or at very least avoiding telling her something. Or perhaps this was Serena's way of trying to tell her something. "What are you trying to say S? Is there another woman in Chuck's life?" Even as Blair asked she couldn't hide her smirk. It wasn't a serious matter to her. No woman had ever been able to keep Chuck from coming back to her and none ever would. When Serena nodded Blair just shrugged. "Don't think I'm surprised S, I'll have her gone in a week."

Serena shook her head, beginning to feel angry at Blair's arrogance. "You don't understand. She's been in his life for a long time now. It's serious."

"Yeah, he thought he was serious about Eva too and we all know how that turned out. And don't even get me started on Raina..." Blair refused to listen to Serena's nonsense - Chuck was Chuck and she was Blair and now that she had realized what she should have known all along it was only a matter of time before she had him back. "Now, hush about this girl of his and tell me how I look. Is this outfit worthy of his first sight of me in tw...four years?" Blair asked spinning, almost not catching herself. It wasn't that Serena couldn't know about that May in the Hamptons, that wasn't it at all; it was more that was something she really treasured, something she wasn't ready to share publically.

Serena sighed, sometimes Blair was incorrigible and Serena couldn't help her if she wouldn't let her. "You look beautiful." She spoke truthfully, Blair was in for a rude awakening when she saw Chuck but there was nothing Serena could do if Blair refused to listen.

A few minutes later, as she watched Blair leave, all Serena could think was that Blair was different since the last time she saw her. Last Christmas, Blair had been so excited about her relationship with Austin, excited about where it was going, sure that he was going to propose. She was so mature, so grounded; but now there was a new light in her eyes, a fire she hadn't seen in a long time. It was still the Blair she remembered from last Christmas but the spark that Serena hadn't noticed was missing was back.

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><p>Chuck groaned as he looked over the papers spread in front of him. He wasn't supposed to do work today, it was supposed to be his day off; but apparently the CEOs of Fortune 500 Companies don't get days off because his secretary had brought over a stack of briefs right at eleven that had everything to do with an old account that he needed to look into reopening. It was already looking like he was going to have to go into the office and he wasn't particularly happy about it.<p>

Sighing he took another large gulp of coffee, usually it would have been scotch but today he needed the caffeine. This was going to be a long day. It was days like these that made him glad he'd had the home office added onto the penthouse. What was one more room after all? And honestly he got more use out of it than probably any other in the large penthouse that encompassed the entire top floor of the New Yorker. Nate had his own suite of rooms amongst them; even Gwen had a couple for her use alone though she didn't technically live there.

Studying the page before him he was forced to stop, pause and reread a few lines as he thought he caught a whiff of something he hadn't smelled in a long time. Shaking his head Chuck ignored it, for some reason this account must be making him nostalgic. That's when he smelt it again. This time it was the automatic tightening of his pants and the rush of his heart that really caused the pause. Certain he was mistaken; Chuck began digging into the brief again. This time when he stopped he couldn't deny it. There was an unmistakable scent of Chanel Allure in the air. The only woman he'd ever known to wear that was the last person he would expect to see.

Chuck tried to shake the scent, tried to focus but couldn't as it seemed to be growing stronger. Finally unable to put it off any longer Chuck looked up expecting to see a maid standing in the doorway - presumably a maid who'd tried on one of the guests' perfumes. What he saw made him drop the pen from his hand and caused his stomach to plummet.

"Chuck." Blair spoke walking into the room. "How are you?" She asked relishing the rather startled look on his face, not realizing immediately that while startled he didn't actually appear happy to see her at all.

Chuck couldn't withhold a gasp at the vision before him. Glossy brown curls, skin slightly tanned, sparkling brown eyes that held an impossible innocence, full red lips, tantalizing neck, a perfect red dress, lovely legs clad in sheer stockings, ending in feet slipped into a pair of Manolos. Every inch of the girl standing before him was perfection; evil, soul-devouring perfection. And just like that his awe at seeing her turned to anger. "What are you doing here?" He asked, voice low as he ignored her question.

Blair pouted slightly, she'd known this wouldn't be a cake walk. "Aren't you happy to see me? If I remember correctly last time we saw each other you couldn't get to me fast enough . . ." She grinned coyly as she drew up memories of that summer in the Hamptons, the one they'd kept between them.

"Don't." Chuck spat lifting his hand. The last thing he wanted right now was a walk down memory lane with the devil incarnate. He'd been completely thrown off guard by her presence. He was never supposed to see her again. That was the plan. Not after everything that had happened. "And I repeat what are you doing here?"

Blair shrugged, smirking a little. "I'm in town, thought I'd stop by and say hello."

"Why?" Chuck asked with a shrug, his voice cold as ice. "You have no reason to think I'd want to see you."

Blair rolled her eyes. "Come on Chuck, you can drop the act. I can tell you're happy to see me. . ." She spoke seductively as she pointedly looked at the tent in his pants. She could tell that Chuck was trying to make this difficult for her - she supposed she deserved it but she knew he couldn't hold out for long, his body would never let him.

Sighing Chuck sent a rather heated glare her way. "I can't control certain reactions my body might still have to you." He spoke, his words slow and measured. Leaning back in his chair, he crossed his arms in an almost defense position. His body was reacting in a host of strange ways, all he could think was that it must be in shock. "When are you leaving?"

"Not until after you talk to me." Blair said sincerely as she walked closer. "There's so much I need to say." Looking into Chuck's eyes she searched for something, anything to reassure her that he wasn't lost to her but they were distant. The warmth that was always there for her wasn't. Clearly things were worse off than she thought. She decided then that it might be time to start making herself vulnerable - after all that's probably what Chuck was trying to force her to do. "I know I hurt you before, but if you give me a chance I can make it up to you." She spoke, eyes bright and honest.

Chuck shook his head, as he was filled with what he could only perceive as a strange blend of anger and fear. It caused a strange shiver up his spine as he realized that she wasn't getting it. She'd done this to them, he'd tried to save them; it had been her decision to destroy them; every time it had been her decision. Now that he was happy, now that he'd forgotten her, she had no business walking back into his life with all of her broken innocence and shattered perfection. Who did she think she was? Waltzing in here like this and expecting him to want to . . . he didn't even know what she wanted from him and honestly he didn't care. "Allow me to clarify, when are you leaving my city and going back to wherever the hell you've been for the past four years?"

Scoffing, Blair raised her eyebrows, even as she ignored the shot of pain to her chest at his cruel words. How dare he say such a thing, this city had always been theirs even when they weren't together it had been theirs. Not confident enough at the moment to say just that she settled for a lesser statement that would still call to mind what she meant. "New York isn't yours Chuck." She walked towards him until she could lean against the side of his desk, until she was close enough to touch.

Shrugging Chuck remained seated, his body had finally begun to adjust to her presence and he was finding now that it wasn't quite so difficult as he'd thought it would be. The fear from earlier was gone because his heart remembered more than he'd guessed it would. His heart remembered well the agonizing pain from before and it wasn't even racing. "Fine, stay as long as you like; but if you don't mind I'm busy." He spoke gesturing to the door.

Exhaling Blair tried to push the sinking feeling in her stomach away. Moving even closer to Chuck she stopped only a pace away from him readying herself for the potential reaction as she leaned forward and placed her arms on either side of his arm chair. Either Chuck would throw aside this pretense of being impartial to her or he would potentially be angry at her. She'd come in thinking that he would be happy to have her home, back with him where she belonged but so far things hadn't gone as planned. "Chuck, I'm here for good. I'm not going back."

Chuck couldn't prevent the jerk of his head in her direction as she poised herself over him. "Your life's not here anymore Blair, why would you do that?" Chuck spoke truly confused. She'd created her own life, her own world, one that no longer included him and he'd done the same.

"I came back because I missed you, I came back for you." Blair explained, her thumb on her left hand almost unconsciously twisting her ruby ring around as she held form.

A million thoughts ran through Chuck's head all at the same time but none of them penetrated through to change what he'd say next. "You shouldn't have." Chuck spoke his voice cold, unfeeling. "I got over you a long time ago - it's been years."

"Chuck, I know you don't want to be the weak one, I know you don't want to seem like you caved too quickly to me. I know you need to make me work for it and I'm willing to do that. For you." Shaking her head as though to say Chuck was being silly, Blair reached out a hand only to withdraw it as she watched him move away almost imperceptibly. Remembering her earlier conversation with Serena, she felt a chill sweep over her.

"No Blair." Chuck interrupted, uncrossing his arms and rising. "I'm not doing this for appearances, I don't play those games anymore. I've grown up and I've moved on."

Scoffing, Blair crossed her own arms, entering what she considered to be a power stance for her. "Please, are you referring to that girl you've been seeing? You can't honestly think that she compares to what we had."

Surprise flickered over Chuck's face at the realization that Blair knew more than he'd expected but he recovered quickly. When he spoke it was the absolute truth, there was no need to use control on his voice, no need to hold back; he almost felt sorry for her. "_Had_ Blair. What we had is over. When I said I was with someone else, I didn't say it to hurt you, I said it because it's serious. Now forget this little fancy of yours and go home. I don't mean home as in your Park Avenue penthouse, I mean home as in wherever you've been living because there's nothing left for you here."

Chuck didn't waste time deciphering the expression on Blair's face, instead he moved around her. "I have a meeting to get to, I'm sure you can show yourself out." He spoke before walking around her, leaving her standing there alone in his apartment.

Blair stood frozen for only a moment, waiting until the elevator doors shut before she fled the apartment. She needed to speak with Serena immediately to decide her plan of attack. Chuck might think he was interested in this other girl, that what they had was special, but Blair had every intention of showing him that nothing compared to ChuckandBlair. All he needed was a little time to get over his anger that she'd run out on their relationship and everything would be fine. Besides, for him she had all the time in the world.

**Spotted: Blair Waldorf back in NYC for the first time in ages! Words cannot convey my excitement. She hasn't even been here 24 hours and it seems as though the drama has already begun. As happy as I am to have her back in town it sounds like that sentiment wasn't returned by a certain Bass. What's the matter C? Not still in love with the one time love of your life? Either way B had a rude awakening this afternoon – just wait until she meets Gwen. That's one showdown I can't wait to see. Looks like things finally got interesting again and you know I'll be here to fill you in just like old times. **

**you know you love me**

**xoxo  
>Gossip Girl<strong>

* * *

><p>So there we go I know some of you will not be happy at the cold shoulder that Chuck gives Blair but that's why I should you a bit of what each of them have been up to the past couple of years first. A lot has happened to each of them, a lot has changed and Blair left Chuck four years before. This is the last chapter before the prologue as I'm sure you can tell.<p>

A lot of this fanfic is plotted out but I'd love to hear your ideas or predictions or just your thoughts on the chapter in a review!

xoxo  
>kate<p> 


	4. Continued Delusions of Bianca Windsor

**So here's the next chapter as I promised many of you. One short thing: I have no idea what Blair's name in Dan's novel is so I made one up lol as I've done with pretty much the entire concept. Also don't freak out on me about the Dair interaction, they are JUST friends something I quickly make clear. **

**To my reviewers: **LovelyLydia, Stella296, wrighthangal, Kadlin, Del, CarolinaGirl21, BellaB2010, flipped, LitPrincess2787, LeftWriter224, Chuckandblair, GGfan73104, SoutherBelle88, , GGfanficfan09, and Sw33theart21. **You guys are amazing, even though you all have such different opinions about the story and what you want to see happen I've loved each and every one of your reviews! **

**Thanks to my amazing beta **ggff-fan!**  
><strong>

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><p><strong>Chapter 3: Continued Delusions of the Lovely Bianca Windsor<strong>

Blair sighed as she looked down at her phone: seven missed calls and seven corresponding voice mails, one for every day she'd been back in New York. The past week had been one of the most difficult she could remember. She'd known it wasn't going to be easy but she'd had no idea that it would be this hard to get him back.

Chuck wasn't even taking her calls much less seeing her; which is what made the temptation so much stronger to listen to one of Austin's voice mails. She missed him so much it hurt sometimes but she knew better than to crack. If she listened to one of his voice mails she might call him and calling him wouldn't be fair, not after the way she'd left.

_Blair packed her things quickly; more quickly than she ever remembered packing before. If she didn't have to have it she left it. If it was something they'd bought together she left it. If it was something he'd given her she left it. _

_Resting her hand on his Duke sweatshirt that she'd worn around the house earlier that morning as she made breakfast she hesitated. Her fingers traced the fading letters before lightly running along the edge of the sleeve where he'd caught it on her necklace once. It had gradually become more hers over time until one birthday he'd gift wrapped it and given it to her. _

_Making an almost instinctual move she shoved it down into her bag. She could keep one thing, after all if she'd learned anything the past few months it was that leaving something behind didn't erase it, it simple meant you were running. And this time she wasn't running away from anything she was running towards something, it was okay to take something to remember such a huge part of her life, it was okay to love and remember Austin. _

_Sitting down at her desk she removed her stationary, freezing for a moment as her pen hovered over the piece of paper. These were some of the most important words she'd ever write, she knew that what she said would break his heart just like it was breaking hers to write them. But even as she struggled to write words that she knew would break Austin, she knew that in the end it was the right thing to do. He deserved someone who loved him like she loved Chuck. _

_**Austin, **_

_**I think I miss you already. I'm sure you've just walked into our bedroom and found that I've taken my things and run, though you being you had already realized I left when you saw that my Audrey Hepburn movies weren't under the TV and the jacket i always leave on the hook by the door was gone. You always did notice the smallest things, especially when it came to me. I've always loved that about you. **_

_**I want to say that I'm sorry but I'm not. I'm not sorry that I fell in love with you. You are an amazing man that I'm blessed to have had in my life and I never want to forget the way you made me feel – like I was the only girl in the world. I'm also not sorry for leaving. As much as I'd like to be I can't be sorry for going home. It's not just that I'm selfish and running away for my own benefit, it's what's best for you too. You deserve someone who is going to love you with their whole heart, not someone who can't forget about an ex-boyfriend from years ago. You've given me everything and the least I can do is set you free. **_

_**What I am sorry for is hurting you. I'm sorry that I waited so long to admit to myself what I was feeling when I should have realized it long before. I'm sorry that I'm losing you as a part of my life because you're the best friend I've ever had. And I'm sorry that you are going to be in pain because of this. **_

_**Please don't come looking for me. This is for the best for both of us, even if it doesn't feel like that now. I love you but sometimes love just isn't enough. You didn't do anything wrong, you were perfect. I'm the one that's damaged, I'm missing the part of myself that I gave up when I left New York and because of that I could never deserve you. I wanted to marry you, I did; but if I had I'd always be searching for the part I left with him and that wouldn't be fair to you or me.**_

_**Take care of yourself and tell your family that I am so sorry. Goodbye Austin, I love you. **_

_**Always,  
><strong>__**Blair Waldorf**_

_Reading over the letter carefully, she sighed softly to herself, wiping away one quick tear. She was doing the right thing but it didn't make it any easier. With one soft tug she removed Austin's ring from her finger and placed it on the now sealed envelope containing her letter to Austin which she laid on the pillow of the bed. _

"Blair Waldorf? Is that you?"

Blair turned her head around so quickly she might have gotten whiplash, coming to a sudden halt on 5th avenue as she was jerked from her memory by the sight of someone she recognized quite well. "Why, if it isn't Humpty Dumpty, on the northern part of the island no less." She said with a genuine smile though her words sounded snarky.

"And I'd heard you'd taken on the title Wicked Witch of the West permanently now." Dan replied with the same snarky attitude paired with a smile.

Blair's smile widened. "You shouldn't believe everything you hear."

Dan nodded, his hands slipping into his front pockets. "I suppose not, though I also heard you are engaged. Any truth to that?"

Blair scoffed slightly. "I'm not sure where you're getting your news now Humphrey but that's the second time you've been wrong today."

Dan's eyebrows rose. Serena had made him swear not to tell anyone when she'd told him and he hadn't but now he was just confused. "So Serena was mistaken?"

"No." Blair said shaking her head. "I was engaged, I'm just not anymore." She wasn't surprised that Serena had told Dan, she knew they were still close friends. And honestly if she had told anyone else herself it would have been him; they were still friends after all these years.

"I see." Dan said reflexively. He would have asked more but he didn't need to; he knew Blair well enough even now that it just wasn't necessary. If she'd simply broken the engagement she wouldn't be back here, so he quickly deduced the reason she was back in the city. "So how long are you back for? Am I correct in assuming that you'll be here until you win him back?"

Blair smirked. "Sometimes it scares me that a Brooklynite knows me as well as you do."

Dan nodded, that had after all been the answer he'd been expecting. "You're in for a tough fight this time."

"So I've heard." Blair smiled tightly, resisting an eyeroll; but her voice remained certain. "I'm not worried."

"You never were." Dan responded with a nod. They stood there for a moment in comfortable silence before Dan spoke again. "I should get home. You know Steph's at nine months."

Blair shook her head. "I still can't believe you of all people married an Astor."

Dan chuckled; Stephanie worked for a publishing company and had bought his second book, _Wishing Wells _a follow up to the_ Insider_. They'd fallen in love during the editing process. "Maybe you would if you hadn't missed the wedding."

Blair swallowed tightly. "You know I'm sorry. I wanted to be there it was just too soon. Maybe if he hadn't been in the wedding party . . ." It had been the same summer that they'd run into each other in the Hamptons, she'd had every intention of going to the wedding regardless of the fact that Chuck had been a groomsman but couldn't after what happened that May.

Dan nodded, he didn't blame her and she had apologized so many times. "I suppose that's my own fault for becoming friends with the Basstard."

Blair laughed at his use of the word and couldn't help but think about how hard she'd laughed at his latest book, the one about her. "So I did enjoy the book you sent me a few weeks ago though hiding it from Austin was not so much fun."

Laughing himself, Dan sometimes couldn't believe his third novel. This novel wasn't anything like the Insider or Wishing Wells, his first two novels which were both introspective on his own character as he experienced the world of the UES as only he could. This third novel, while still told by the same narrator, wasn't on his experiences with the main character or his introspective view of her or even her character in an ensemble of others. No, _The_ _Life, Lies and Loves of Bianca Windsor _was an extrospective view on just Blair.

"What did Steph think?" She asked almost nervously. She couldn't imagine how she'd feel if her husband wrote a book so profoundly studying the life of another woman, a woman he professed in Wishing Wells he'd once thought might be the love of his life and he'd let her go.

Dan laughed again. "Well honestly she loved your character in the first two books; that was her biggest critique of Wishing Wells. She wanted more you and asked why there wasn't. When I told her that you weren't in my life in an immediate way anymore she asked me why I didn't do something about it. My response was . . ."

"Trying to control her is like, trying to control the wind; frustrating, impossible, and ultimately completely self-destructive." Blair completed quoting a line from Wishing Wells. "So that's where that line came from?"

Dan nodded. "That it is."

Blair pursed her lips slightly. She'd wanted to call him the moment she'd read the book but couldn't; her ideas hadn't been formulated enough then and she wasn't sure they were now. She would never say that Humphrey's book was the reason she left Austin; she was already feeling the world crashing down around her with the wedding plans. But she felt like the fact that she wasn't the only one that saw it; that Humphrey had seen it too had pushed her over the edge. "I won't lie, I found the ending to be a surprise. Why am I the one that doesn't get a happy ending?"

Dan frowned slightly, uncertain of the best way to phrase what he wanted to say. He knew he'd have some explaining to do which is why so far the only people who'd read the book were Blair and Steph. "I think it is a happy ending. If at the end of the book Bianca had still been ignorant about her mistakes then it would have been a sad ending; but Bianca finally sees herself for who she truly is and now she has the ability to fix it."

Nodding slowly, Blair found herself agreeing. "You know Bianca was an idiot." Dan laughed as she continued. "But that aside, I have to admit that the ending was literary genius. I mean the whole book was about the guys she'd loved or who'd loved her, the lies she'd told to each and every person she'd ever met with the magnificent charade she put on, and the fabulous life she led that tied it all together. But in the end the biggest lie she ever told was to herself."

Dan nodded as well. "Bianca couldn't see herself for who she really was, in many ways her entire life was a lie and she bought each and every bit of it. It cost her the love of her life."

"She doesn't buy it anymore." Blair spoke, breaking the pretense of talking about Bianca rather than herself. "How did you ever know so much? You hardly missed anything. Things I've never made public knowledge were brought to light flawlessly."

Dan smiled sheepishly. "The stuff you gave me when I started working on Wishing Wells helped and I might have gotten Serena drunk a few - well eighteen, times and picked her brain. Nate was helpful too almost without realizing. But mostly I got it from you." Dan exhaled before meeting her gaze again. "So you're okay with me publishing it?"

Blair nodded. "I'm okay with it. I think it will take some getting used to but I feel as though the people who read it who know it's about me will already know the bad stuff."

Dan smiled again as he brushed a piece of hair behind her ear. "You're still the strongest woman I've ever known."

Blair smiled. "I'm glad I ran into you Humphrey."

"You too Waldorf." Dan responded, truthfully. "I hope this relocation of yours works out. I want you to get your happy ending."

Blair nodded. "So do I. I miss New York, I miss this life. I'm tired of feeling like I'm missing out on the lives of my friends. I want to get to know Steph and the baby of course when it comes."

Dan nodded. "You will, I promise. Just stick around and you will." It had taken him until this point of their conversation to realize that as glad as he had been to see her, he really had missed having her as a major part of his life. "I've missed having you in my life Blair."

"I've missed you too Dan." She responded before giving him a quick hug. "Now get home to your wife."

Dan smiled and nodded again. "Good luck with Chuck, I'm worried you're going to need it."

Blair gave a thank you nod before turning at the same time as Dan and walking in opposite directions. It was as she walked that she began to feel the gnawing in her gut again. It had become more and more frequent as of late and she was getting tired of it. Sure Chuck was with someone else and yes it was going to have to work to get him but she'd known that. She was getting so tired of people doubting the fact that she and Chuck were supposed to be together. Exhaling she calmed herself, she just needed to give it some time, then they'd see.

* * *

><p>"We haven't been in this room in a while." Nate said with a smile as they walked into what he and Chuck used to call the Bachelor Pad. When they first moved in to the New Yorker and each gotten several rooms to themselves, it had been one of the few that they had completely shared. It was reminiscent of their penthouse at the Empire in some ways, similar layout, the video games, the big screen tv, the bar; almost like a piece of home.<p>

Chuck nodded because he knew Nate was right. Slowly but surely Nate had spent more time with Serena and he'd gotten involved with Gwen and the Bachelor Pad had been left sitting around, collecting dust. "I sometimes forget it's here." He spoke before taking a seat next to Nate on one of the couches.

Chuck inhaled deeply before speaking. "Gwen gets home tomorrow."

Nate nodded. "Have you decided what you're going to tell her about Blair? Because we know Blair's going to make her presence known sooner rather than later."

Chuck exhaled heavily. "I honestly don't know. The truth I guess."

Nate's eyes widened. "So you're going to tell Gwen that the girl you once professed to be the love of your life repeatedly, who stood by you through all that shit senior year, the girl who helped you cope with your dad's death, the one who came back to you after you traded her to your uncle for a hotel and again after you slept with someone else, who gave up becoming a princess for you, before running away crushing your heart and devouring your soul is in town with the sole purpose of getting you back." He paused for breath, " I'm sure that will roll right off the tongue."

"Not holding anything back are you Nathaniel?" Chuck asked, his voice betraying the shock he'd felt at Nate's words. When Nate just stared at him pointedly, Chuck sighed. "So maybe not the whole truth. I guess that we were once involved but it's over."

Nate almost laughed. "Please tell me you remember what Blair did to Eva? She'll go after Gwen with everything she has."

Chuck shook his head. "I don't think so Nathaniel; things are different this time. Besides, Gwen can certainly hold her own."

Nodding, Nate absorbed what Chuck was saying. Everyone kept telling him how different Blair was, how different the situation was but he just wasn't believing it yet. Not until he spoke to her. And he certainly wasn't believing that Chuck was over her until he saw them together.

"What is it Nathaniel?" Chuck asked, seeing that his best friend was struggling with words and knowing well enough to dig deeper or else he was only going to skim the surface of what Nate was thinking.

Nate exhaled slowly his brows still furrowed as he tried to figure out how to say just what he wanted to say. "I guess . . . I still don't think it's as simple as you think it is. This isn't just some girl that we're talking about, it's Blair."

Shaking his head, Chuck straightened his spine. There were things Nate didn't know, things Nate had never known about his and Blair's relationship. He hadn't known that Blair left in the middle of the night without a word and he didn't know about what happened in the Hamptons that summer. He didn't understand and Chuck wasn't willing to force him to. "It's just different. We're different people and honestly I don't feel that way anymore."

Nate shook his head matching Chuck's stance as he leaned a bit forward. "I'm not buying it. None of that has ever mattered before. And you said yourself yesterday that you felt aroused seeing her; the passion's still there and I know the two of you, you can't fight it, you've never been able to fight it."

Sighing heavily Chuck didn't know what to say, didn't know how to make Nathaniel understand. "This isn't like before." He started, voice low. "Blair destroyed me when she left," He was referring to that night in the Hamptons not the first time but as Nate didn't know about that night and Chuck didn't plan on telling him. Each word he did speak was slow and measured as though he were almost having trouble forming them. "She ripped my heart out and it took me years to move past it, years to get over what she'd done. If not for Gwen I don't know that I ever would have. I don't love Blair anymore; not in the way I used to love her."

Swallowing, Nate met Chuck's gaze, there was such sincere honesty in his friend's eyes that he knew that Chuck believed every word. Slowly Nate nodded. "Okay." He spoke finally. "Okay."

It was a few hours and several video games later that Chuck had had to leave to do business and a few hours after that before a member of the staff stuck their head in the door. "Mr. Archibald."

Nate's head snapped upwards in surprise. The staff rarely came to the rooms, only when they had a guest they weren't expecting and that never happened. "Yes?" He asked curiously.

"You have a visitor." The maid spoke softly.

Nate knew who it was without having to ask. It was a strange kind of recognition that seemed to jolt him from his core. "Send her in." He spoke unable to hide the excitement. He wanted to see how different she was, but more than that he'd missed his friend. Scrambling to his feet, he then tried to assume a relaxed position, crossing and uncrossing his arms a couple of times in an effort to control his nervous excitement.

Blair exhaled soundly as she stepped directly in front of Nate's door. She was excited to see Nate but at the same time she wasn't sure what to expect. Nate could potentially be angry at her - she hadn't done the greatest job keeping in touch - not to mention if Chuck had confided in him then Nate might have other reasons to be angry with her. But she was confident that he was still Nate and he would still be her friend no matter what had happened. With that in mind she stepped past the maid and through the door.

The moment he caught sight of her Nate couldn't help but smile. She and Serena were as different as day and night - Serena was all sunshine and happiness but Blair's darker beauty was still a sight to behold and in that moment it almost took his breath away.

When Blair first saw Nate her first thought was that he looked like he'd grown up, he looked like a man. Her second thought that he was as gorgeous as ever, was interrupted by his beaming smile which she couldn't help but return. And in that moment she knew without any doubt that there was nothing to worry about - even if Chuck claimed to have changed - Nate was really still her Nate. "Archibald." She spoke with an exhale as she relaxed.

"Waldorf." He replied smoothly, almost not believing just how happy he was to see her. "It certainly took you long enough to come see me."

Blair blushed as she took an almost timid step forward. "I know and I'm sorry. I wanted to visit I just . . ."

Nate looked at her strangely he could see that she was wrestling with herself internally. He'd seen her a few times over the past four years. Not as often as Serena because of his proximity to Chuck but enough to see the same thing Serena had seen - she was different. "I didn't even know where you were Blair."

Pressing her lips together for a moment she could barely meet Nate's eyes. "I couldn't trust that you wouldn't tell Chuck. You're his best friend Nate, you are supposed to take his side."

"I'm your friend too B. Don't forget that." Nate spoke dealing with a host of emotions he hadn't been expecting. The past few days he'd been jealous that Blair had gone to see just about everyone else before visiting him but talking to her now he realized he was much angrier at her than he'd originally thought and not for anything to do with Chuck. He was angry that she'd left him. "You didn't just run out on Chuck you know?"

Blair felt Nate's suppressed anger like a punch to the gut and unwilling tears instantly sprung to her eyes, mostly because she knew he was right. "Nate . . ." She started her voice soft but she paused because she didn't know what to say to make it better. Sighing she looked into his eyes. "I can't change what I did; God if I could I would. I would go back and shake that stupid girl who was thinking of running away and tell her she was making the biggest mistake of her life."

Nate looked away because he couldn't quite bear the intensity of the honesty in Blair's gaze. She was so set on what she was saying; she believed it with her entire being.

Realizing that Nate was too overwhelmed to talk, Blair continued. "Chuck is the love of my life and I threw that away; but you're right, I left you and Serena too. I missed so much. Your granddad's funeral, yours and Serena's graduations, Dan's wedding. I abandoned you guys because I was weak. I couldn't handle the pressure of this life anymore and I ran away. And for a while I couldn't come back because I was still too weak then it became a fear of what returning would mean and finally I was just so ashamed." Slowing Blair looked into Nate's blue eyes. "I've never regretted anything more."

Within seconds Nate had pulled Blair tightly to him, holding her small frame against his. "I've missed you Blair. More than I can say."

Blair nodded as she fitted her head into the crook of Nate's shoulder. "I've missed you too Nate, I've missed you so much."

After a few minutes Nate pulled back and looked at her, finally vocalizing what everyone else had been thinking. "You're so . . . different. How is it that you're so different than when I saw you at Christmas?"

Blair exhaled. Serena had asked her the same thing and she hadn't given her an answer. Whether it was because Blair wasn't sure she knew herself yet or because of the simple way Nate had asked, she found herself answering honestly. "I think it's because for the first time in my life I really know what I want. And I don't mean in the way I wanted you growing up or the way I wanted to be a powerful woman. I mean that I finally get it. I finally came to terms with what my heart's been telling me all along."

"Acceptance." Nate finally said with the smallest of nods. "That's what's different. Yeah there's a maturity and a groundedness to you that I hadn't seen before but I think that's rooted in the fact that you seem to have accepted yourself, who you are, and who you're meant to be. You're like one of those people who've been on a spirit walk, you're all centered."

Blair smiled. "Look at you getting all philosophical."

Nate shrugged. "It's amazing what your brain can do when it's not perpetually high."

At that Blair actually laughed. "So are you going to help me or what?"

Instantly Nate's smiling lips begin to ease into a frown. He'd known on some level that that was why Blair was here. This was at least partially a recruitment mission. For a moment there was an awkward pause as Nate thought of what he was going to say because even though he should have been prepared for this at the moment he wasn't. "He's happy Blair. Gwen makes him happy."

Blair inhaled slightly, she'd known this was going to be an uphill battle with Nate but she also knew that if she could convince Nate that this was what Chuck really wanted then she could win his allegiance. "He could be happier with me."

Shaking his head only slightly Nate placed his hands on her shoulders. "He doesn't think so. He thinks he's over you." He spoke, his words soft.

Blair's lips were set in a firm line. "He's wrong now, like I was wrong then. Denying what we have is only going to hurt us in the end."

Nate could feel his resolve cracking ever so slowly. Maybe it was because this was Blair and she could manipulate anyone, but honestly he thought it had more to do with the fact that so far Chuck hadn't convinced him that he was really over Blair.

Seeing that Nate's allegiance was wavering Blair forged forward. "I didn't think that a love like mine and Chuck's could last. I thought that it would destroy itself and us with it but if there's one thing I've learned it's that when you've felt that kind of love there's no real moving on. Sure you can love someone else, I did; but that can never measure up to the one 'great love.'"

As any semblance of resistance faded Nate still didn't speak but he could tell from the almost triumphant look in her eyes that she was aware that he was breaking.

"If he admitted he still cared and still chose her that would be one thing but I don't believe - I can't believe, that he feels nothing for me when I feel everything for him." Blair finished not realizing that she'd highlighted the same point that Nate had been trying to make to Chuck earlier. Chuck wasn't recognizing his feelings, he was shoving them away and pretending they weren't there, that they didn't mean anything and it wasn't healthy.

Slowly nodding Nate finally found his words. "What can I do?"

Smiling Blair gave Nate a quick hug. "You can start by helping me find him."

Nate nodded, he of course knew where Chuck had gone this evening and it was almost ironic. "I need you to know before I take you that it's not just an act that Chuck is putting up for you. He believes that he's over you as strongly as you believe that he isn't."

Blair started to scoff but Nate held her face forcing her to look at hm. "I don't want you to be crushed."

"I'm tougher than I look Archibald, I can handle him." Blair spoke her voice like liquid honey. "Now where are we headed?"

With a sigh Nate gestured towards the door. "We're heading to Victrola."

* * *

><p>Chuck sipped his scotch inhaling deeply the aroma to avoid the stench of the man next to him . . . too much cologne, much too much. He was in a meeting discussing the sale of Victrola. He'd been looking for a buyer for the past year and a half but everyone he spoke with simply wasn't right. Some wanted to destroy it, some wanted to change it, and some just didn't have the right feel.<p>

Tonight the man before him was phony, the trying-too-hard cologne alone told him that much; but there was something else about him, a certain air that caused Chuck to snarl as he spoke to him. The man was much too smooth, it was clearly a front, the man must be a fake. He acted so perfect, like he cared about the club but Chuck could see right through him.

It was as he was dismissing the man that he saw her. He kept his eyes low so that she didn't see his emotions because right now they were running the gauntlet. He was surprised to see her there at all, but something about seeing Blair in Victrola sent a warm feeling through his body. He almost smiled in remembrance of their memories here and for that one moment he was nostalgic for the way things once were.

Then he spotted Nate entering through the door and though he didn't approach as Blair was doing he knew they were there together. Traitor. But he wasn't actually surprised, he knew Nate had still been undecided about the situation in their last conversation. "Blair." He spoke in acknowledgement as she came to a stop before him.

"Chuck." Blair said in return, letting an easy smile slip onto her face. A few days ago her expectations had been too high. Right now she was just happy to be in his presence. She'd missed him so much.

Chuck almost smirked, almost. It was so easy to be around Blair if he let himself forget. He knew part of it was the influence of Victorla, the flood of nostalgia that he'd felt earlier was still affecting him. In that one moment he allowed himself to imagine where they'd be if she'd never left, how happy they might be; but just as quickly he remembered that she had left. Blair wasn't the person she once was, she wasn't the girl he fell in love with; she was the person who'd left him. "What brings you here?" He asked, once more fully in control.

Blair shrugged softly. "I'm here to see you of course."

Chuck sighed. "Feel free to have a drink, it's on the house."

Blair took the drink but as she did she frowned slightly. Chuck wasn't being cold exactly, she wouldn't even call it distant, he just seemed nonchalant. It was as though she didn't affect him at all. "It's good to be back." She spoke, her voice calm and controlled.

"In New York or at Victorla." Chuck replied lazily as he leaned against the bar.

Blair shrugged slightly as she laughed, the clear sound filling the air above the roaring sound of the club. "Both but I meant back with you."

Chuck shook his head eyeing her over his shoulder. "Blair…" He spoke warningly. "We've already discussed this."

Blair nodded quickly. "I know, I know, you're with someone else, I'm just here to talk."

"So talk." Chuck spoke languidly, allowing his gaze to sweep over her for the first time since her arrival. He hadn't been wrong the other day in his office; she still had the same air about her: disarmingly beautiful, impeccably dressed, a controlled confidence, and a look of pure innocence. But he knew it was all a lie.

Blair knew he was observing her, knew he was making mental notes about her for whatever reason, whether to destroy her or fixate upon later she wasn't sure. But she couldn't say she wasn't doing the same thing - wasn't memorizing the curve of his jaw with the stubble just beginning to surface and the arch of his back as he leaned against the bar. He was dressed to the nines as always but there was a gentlemanly air about him now that she'd been one of the few to witness before. His handsome looks were only enhanced by his new maturity; Chuck Bass had grown up well.

After a moment standing there quietly observing one another Blair nodded. "So tell me about your life, what I've missed."

Chuck studied her briefly before speaking. He wasn't certain exactly what to say. He could see in her eyes that Blair was looking for something to latch onto, anything at all. But Chuck didn't see the harm in answering her because he knew that there was nothing left for her to do that with. He inhaled before beginning, he could smell her just as he could the day she showed up in his office but this time he realized that he was still quite at ease. "I bought the New Yorker about 2 years ago, the Empire pretty much runs itself now and I needed a new project. It's gone well so far. I also have a series of night club ventures with Gwen's company Avalon Cosmetics. Which is why I'm working on selling Victrola - it just doesn't fit with the rest of the nightlife brand."

Blair had been following along, glad that he was talking to her even though he didn't seem particularly affected by her presence when she'd heard his last words. "You're selling Victrola?" She asked her voice rising in volume as her face turned white in shock.

For a moment Chuck was surprised by her anger, surprised enough that his own faced lost a bit of color. "I thought you already knew. I assumed Nate had told you why I was here - to meet with a prospective buyer."

Blair just shook her head, eyes widening further as she realized that Chuck knew that she'd been brought here by Nate. "No he didn't tell me."

Recovering quickly Chuck shrugged lightly. "So now you know."

"You can't just sell it." Blair spoke, noting immediately how emotional she sounded.

Finding himself sighing once more Chuck nodded. "It's not a decision I made lightly. There was a time that I wanted to make Victorla a chain of nightclubs, opening them up all over the world but it just never quite came to fruition and now this place is practically losing money. I don't have the time to put the effort into it that it deserves, not with my other ventures."

Blair was still shaking her head. "Who cares if it is making money? Victrola was your first venture on your own. It's special." Blair wasn't certain why she was panicking but at the moment she couldn't begin to control her feelings. She left the word special hanging because she didn't need to say the rest. It wasn't just special because it was his first venture, it was special to them.

Chuck nodded. "I'm working hard to find the right buyer. Someone I trust to manage it well and maintain its integrity. That's why it's taken me so long."

"Sell it to me." Blair exclaimed, surprising herself; though as the words came out she realized that she was okay with them.

Chuck scoffed. "I'm not selling you Victrola Blair."

"Why not?" She asked indignantly realizing that she couldn't bear the thought of this club going to someone who might not take care of it. "I have the money to pay for it and to keep it up; you know that."

Chuck shook his head. "It's not about the money Blair." He was surprised at how angry he was becoming in such a short amount of time. He was losing his cool quickly. "Did you miss the part where I said I had to trust the buyer? I don't trust you."

Gasping lightly Blair leaned back. "Are you being serious? You have to know that I would take care of this place. It matters to me too Chuck. . . you know that."

Shaking his head Chuck's eyes narrowed. "Of course I'm serious. I know how you treat the things that 'matter to you'" Pausing to gather his words when he spoke Chuck was aware that any calm he'd possessed earlier had quickly fled him as anger quickly took its place. "And honestly you are the last person that I'd sell to."

"Chuck. . ." She started imploringly. Staring at him with wide honest eyes, unable to believe what he was saying. "After everything we've been through? You don't really believe that. I'm not asking you to sell it to me as your girlfriend or lover or whatever; I'm asking you to sell it to me as your friend. Don't let this place go to someone that doesn't care about it, or for that matter care about you."

Once more Chuck shook his head, speaking his voice still in complete control even though his emotions were raging beneath the surface. "You just don't get it. I don't like you anymore Blair, I don't like the kind of person you are. And we most certainly are not friends, not after what you did."

Blair took a step closer to Chuck, a step that left them inches apart. "Let's see about that, shall we?" She spoke before turning and walking away.

Chuck was confused as to where she was going, moreso when he lost sight of her as Nate walked into his path. He was surprised and a bit confused by that entire conversation but most of all he felt angry. Angry because Blair had come back and was trying to take over his life. Angry because she'd had the audacity to try to buy Victrola. And angry because she didn't seem in the slightest bit fazed by his last words to her.

Nate had been watching Chuck and Blair's exchange from afar. He hadn't been too concerned when the emotions first started to show through their movements; it was Chuck and Blair, they were passionate people. Thinking this actually made him more concerned because it appeared that only Blair was really getting emotional. Beginning to walk towards them he saw it happen, he saw Chuck say something that really fired Blair up and caught Blair's last words as she walked away. "What's Blair doing?" He asked Chuck as he came to a stop next to his friend.

Shrugging, Chuck looked at Nate. "Whatever it is, it's not going to be good."

Swallowing, Nate looked around for Blair, but unable to find her his eyes went back to Chuck who'd begun to speak again almost to himself.

"She really doesn't get it. She doesn't see how I could have moved on, how I could feel nothing anymore." He spoke, his voice confused, almost as though he was questioning himself as to how to make her believe his words. That's when he heard it, the snappy beat that always seemed to get him going whether in a sexual manor or in a rage. Then the words began.

_Well Anya you're late and Mya I'm here, The boys in the band decide to appear. We walk through the door savor the air, the girls on the floor have come here to stare. _

That's when he saw her. She was onstage, hips swinging ever so lightly, ever so temptingly. She was staring at him, her gaze never breaking. And she knew he was watching as she slipped the zipper down on her dress, watching as it fell to the ground leaving her in quite a bit less than what she was wearing the last time she'd done this.

Chuck's jaw raised and his mouth tightened into a thin line as he watched her. There was still that fractured innocence about her that he'd wanted for himself back then but now there was something almost devious and calculating in her movements. She was trying to prove a point just as she had been the first time but she hadn't been trying to seduce him then, now she was.

"What's she doing?" Nate asked, eyes bulging from his head as he struggled to maintain his composure. Serena was his soon to be fiancé and Blair was nothing more than a good friend and an old ex but damn was she hot right now. His pants were tightening and he just wanted her to stop because seeing Blair do this was very very bad for him. Looking over at Chuck he was shocked to see that he had remained perfectly composed.

Chuck sent a puff of air through his nose and only broke his gaze on Blair to look at Nate for a moment, seeing that his friend was becoming increasingly uncomfortable. "She's trying to recreate our first night together. The night after you dumped her."

Eyes widening further, something that Nate had thought impossible, he tried to focus on matching Chuck's calm appearance. "I didn't give you enough credit man. Any resentment I ever had about you sleeping with Blair that night is gone. How could you not want to sleep with that?"

"I don't right now." Chuck spoke his voice low as he returned his eyes to her. Slowly allowing the anger to course through him as she fingered the garter on her stockings. His eyes didn't leave hers as the song ended. She walked towards him slowly, descending the stage and seductively walking forwards but all the time her gaze never wavered.

Reaching him, Blair was quick about placing her hands around his head and drawing his mouth to hers but Chuck was quicker as he leaned back, taking her hands and removing them. Though he moved his hands to her wrists holding her close as he practically growled his next words. "I've never been more furious with you than I am right now."

"Wha-" She started but Chuck gave her wrists a firm shake to quiet her as he continued.

Snarling, Chuck pulled her even closer. "I was content, I was done, I was happy with the past. I treasure this place because it was ours and we had something great. I need to sell it because that past is over but I would never want to taint or damage it."

Blair looked at him strangely, she knew that Chuck wouldn't hurt her, he'd never hurt her but she was very scared of something else entirely. In that moment she could see it in his eyes that he truly thought they were done, they were over. They were Victrola.

Loosening his grip only slightly Chuck's next words were words of warning. "Don't ruin what we had Blair. Don't destroy all the good stuff in your vendetta, don't destroy my memories of us because it will only make me hate you more. Memory lane is officially closed." With that he released her wrists, his eyes meeting her still shocked gaze. "Now put on your clothes and go home."

Chuck was exhaling loudly as he watched her leave. He felt as though a part of him had just died. He'd thought Blair was done destroying him but apparently not, apparently she would ruin everything she could before she'd give up. And yet it still wouldn't change anything, wouldn't change the fact that they were done.

"I'm sorry for bringing her here." Nate spoke, as he seemed to really see Chuck for the first time in a long time.

Chuck nodded. "You didn't get it. History was on your side."

Nate didn't move, he simply maintained eye contact with Chuck. "I get it now. I really get it." Blair was still playing games whether she realized it or not; Chuck on the other hand was done, he was so done.

* * *

><p><strong>So I hope this chapter helped explain a few things though of course there's more to explain as we go. I've loved hearing your predictions for the fanfic as well as your thoughts and ideas so keep them coming in your reviews (if you so choose to send one lol). Anyways REVIEWS are of course appreciated.<strong>

**xoxo - kate**


	5. Fighter

**Hello everyone :) I know it's been a while but I made myself a promise awhile back that I wouldn't apologize for not producing chapters during the semester anymore. Sometimes my school work has to come first. But either way, I'm back! I'm done with finals in a week, yay! Then it's the holiday season. Anyways here's the next installment of Life and Lies, hope you enjoy!**

So far I know there are a lot of questions. A lot of what everyone is asking about relate to things that will come out in time. This isn't my first time jump story but it's a bit more complicated as it contains blatantly missing plot elements. Don't be too quick to judge Chuck for not wanting Blair in his life anymore, it's been four years at this point and there's a lot that's happened that I haven't filled in the blanks for just yet. The Hamptons will be explained in full in chapter six by way of flashback everything else will come gradually.

To the anonymous reviewer who asked: the story is set four years after Season 4. Chuck and Blair have finished college and Blair has completed 2 years of law school so it would be year 2015.

Just a note - yes there is a home office and a work office, I'll try to make it clear when Chuck is in which one

**To my reviewers: **Cherieluvsbooks, Stella296, LeftWriter224, GGfan73104, wrighthangal, Chuckandblair, tinamarie333, CarolinaGirl21, Annie, Kadlin, LukePeyTLA, zero2hero, LitPrincess2787, Maribells, annablake, and Cherry Red Glittery Explosion Baby. **Thank you so much for each and everyone of your reviews. It's a funny juxtaposition between those of you who are hardcore Blair fans and hardcore Chuck fans as you have such different perspectives; however after last night's episode I think we can all agree to be friends don't you :) CB Forever**

To my beta** ggff-fan** - you are amazing!

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 4: Fighter<strong>

_May 2014 - The New Yorker_

_Chuck slammed his hand down on his desk groaning loudly. "Damn it." _

_"What's wrong?" Gwen asked concerned as she turned the corner into his office. She was wearing one of his button downs which she'd thrown on to go make breakfast; but she'd heard him shuffling in his office so she'd decided to say good morning first. He normally waited until after breakfast for business. _

_Chuck sighed as he looked up at her while shaking his head. He could feel the migraine coming on already but seeing her standing there one hand casually holding onto the door frame brought a small smile to his features. "Good morning." _

_Gwen returned his smile as she took a few steps into his office. "Good morning." As she spoke she continued walking towards him, taking a seat on the edge of his desk. "Now tell me what's wrong." _

_Chuck couldn't help the smile that was now fixed on his face. Part of it was just seeing her but honestly another part was due to the fact that she was as business savvy as he was. She knew that while love and pleasantries were nice, that business strategy was still important and if he was up this early doing something then it was probably something critical. So with an exhale he continued. "It's Victrola." _

_"Again?" She asked carefully, her voice light but still rational. _

_Chuck nodded rather solemnly. "It's not bringing in any more revenue than it used to. There's no growth whatsoever. And with the rising prices for electricity and liquor that means -"_

_"That you aren't in the black." Gwen finished as she pursed her lips. _

_Again Chuck nodded, flipping through a couple of pages before him. "Victrola needs to be rebranded." His forehead wrinkled as he once more shook his head. "Damn it." _

_Gwen ran a hand through her tousled hair holding it there for a moment. "And you don't have the time or energy for that." She spoke exhaling. "Not if we want to open the Los Angeles Fleur-de-lis in the next few months." _

_"I don't know what I'm going to do." Chuck said quietly. He knew his voice conveyed clearly his frustration. "I tried getting new management, I tried hiring a marketer; but I just don't trust anyone but myself when it comes to Victrola and I'm not letting it die." _

_Gwen inhaled deeply before saying her next words. She wasn't sure how he'd take them but she knew it needed to be said. "Chuck…" She spoke softly to get his attention. When he met her eyes she gave him an almost sad smile. "I know what Victrola means to you. It was your first. But you have to consider the possibility that it's time to sell it." She saw Chuck's eyes widen, clearly he hadn't even considered that thought._

_"Gwen. . .I can't just sell it." Chuck spoke, his voice almost sounding confused. _

_"Chuck I know you don't want to. I know that symbolically Victrola is everything you stood for." Gwen started as she looked at him lovingly, before saying words she knew would make him understand what she was saying. "But it's not what you stand for." _

_Chuck could feel his heart beat quicken as her words began to get to him and for the first time in a very long time he thought of Blair; Blair encouraging him to pursue Victrola, Blair dancing on the stage on opening night, Blair saving him from the rooftop when his father died. Victrola was symbolic of Blair in so many ways. "Victrola is like a piece of me Gwen. I built its image from the ground up. It's part of me." _

_She could see him swallow tightly as he began to consider her words but she'd been thinking about this for a while, now was just the right time, she knew that now she just had to convince him. "You aren't that guy anymore. And that isn't a bad thing Chuck. We have a new brand of night clubs together and we've been talking about expanding that to restaurants and hotels. Victrola just doesn't fit. It's not a part of that. And one day you're going to have to let it go." _

_Chuck's breath caught in his throat as he heard her words because she wasn't just right about Victrola, she was right about Blair too even though she hadn't been consciously talking about that. Maybe he was holding onto Victrola because he was still holding onto Blair. "I think you're right." Chuck spoke his voice almost shaking as he exhaled. _

_He felt unsteady all over as he realized that it was true, he was still holding onto Blair and Victrola. He was still holding onto his past and he had to let that go. He'd have to let that go or he'd never be happy. Because Blair was never coming back. Looking up at Gwen he felt a certain calmness ease through him, centering him once more. She was right, it was time to let go. _

Chuck exhaled as he sat at his home office desk, the papers sitting in front of him were blurring together. He'd found a buyer for Victrola in perfect timing. Gwen was getting home today; he was leaving any minute to go to pick her up from the airport. He knew she'd be thrilled that he'd finally found a buyer. The only problem was that he still didn't feel good about it.

He couldn't help thinking back to the first time that she'd suggested he sell Victrola and the calmness he'd felt upon making his decision yet now he didn't feel calm at all. He felt now that selling Victrola might be the worst mistake he'd ever make. There wasn't any way to explain it but some part of him just wouldn't sign the papers. Yet he needed to have something. He'd promised Gwen a surprise and now much like the sale of Victrola, he wasn't feeling good about the other surprise.

Reaching into the desk of his home office, he removed the ring box. It was brown, almost mahogany in color. Firm and solid like Gwen. Running his thumb along the top he couldn't help but compare it to the texture of another very different box, one sitting in the desk of his office at work, one he shouldn't be thinking about. Rolling his shoulders he tried to brush away thoughts of the other box. The last thing he needed to be thinking about right now was Blair. Not when he was trying to make this decision.

Opening the ring box he stared at the ring - a diamond with a sapphire on either side - and focused on the women he'd brought it for. He'd planned on proposing in the airport as soon as he saw her but a tightening in his gut was practically screaming that he just wasn't ready. As sure as he'd thought he'd seen Blair coming home had shaken things for him. He wasn't really focused on what he wanted right now, not like he had been a few weeks ago.

The last thing he wanted right now was to propose too soon or for the wrong reasons. A proposal should be special. He shouldn't be thinking about what he'd be gaining by marrying Gwen or the fact that it would ensure Blair would give up. He should be thinking about everything that he and Gwen would mean to each other for the rest of their lives. So regardless of the fact that he'd been planning this for months; he couldn't do it now if it wouldn't be all about Gwen.

Sighing, he extracted another jewelry box, a necklace he'd purchased - diamond and sapphire - that perfectly matched the engagement ring. Maybe today he'd just give her the necklace - that could serve as the surprise. Maybe he'd save the engagement for a time when it would be perfect, a time when he would know that it was just about Gwen and him, a time when Blair was once more gone from his thoughts.

Slipping both the necklace box and the ring box into his briefcase he stood, it was time to go get Gwen. He knew that once he was at the airport he'd know what decision to make. Gwen was his rock, she was his center, when he saw her he'd just know.

* * *

><p>Serena shot Nate a concerned look as Blair avidly told 'her side' of the story. This wasn't the first Serena had heard about the situation at Victrola the other night but regardless she was inclined to agree with Chuck and Nate. It was hard for her because Blair was her best friend but there was just so much about this that didn't make sense. "What did you think was going to happen B? That he'd suddenly change his mind because you stripped for him? Taking your clothes off in public to get a guys attention isn't the Blair Waldorf I know." Serena spoke almost scoldingly.<p>

Blair's eyes narrowed as she appraised Serena. She didn't want to anger her friend who seemed to be disappointed in her, Serena might be the only ally she had left as Dan had made it clear over the phone that he didn't have any sway with Chuck. "I don't know what I thought would happen, I certainly didn't think he was just going to send me away. But I wasn't stripping, not really, I was reminding him of us."

Serena shook her head. "B, I don't think he's forgotten what you look like without your clothes on nor will half the people in Victrola."

Blair gasped slightly affronted. She hadn't guessed that Serena of all people would feel this way about the situation but she could see her friend's claws right now. She knew well enough to know that if she wasn't careful she'd push Serena away and that was the last thing she wanted. Just as she was about to explain herself she heard Nate, who'd remained largely silent this afternoon, speak.

"That's not what she was reminding him of." Nate spoke, his voice low and unreadable; though he drew both Serena and Blair's attention immediately. Serena was curious, Blair was practically aghast. Nate simply stared before continuing. "Blair was recreating the night she lost her virginity to Chuck."

Serena's eyes flew open as Blair's narrowed, so Chuck had been confiding in Nate. Either way the comment served her own purpose and as Serena looked to Blair with a question in her eyes she shrugged. "He's right, the night I slept with Chuck, I danced for him at Victrola."

"No, last night you danced FOR Chuck, the first time you were dancing for yourself." Nate's voice was almost a bark as he spoke, he'd been grappling with these emotions for the past few days. He was uncertain about Chuck's feelings for Blair really being gone but he understood that even if they weren't Chuck couldn't be with Blair. Not after everything Chuck had told him; but he was still wary of Blair ability to manipulate him and convince him otherwise once more especially since something told him that while Chuck had told him a lot about his former relationship with Blair there was still more he was in the dark about so much. The confusion was causing him to become agitated. "At least that's the story the way Chuck tells it, do correct me if I'm misinformed."

Blair shook her head slightly, not certain where Nate was taking this but surprised that he was so on point. "No, you're right. When I danced at Victrola for the first time it was like my emancipation, it was all for me."

Nate nodded. "There's your difference."

"Is that why he was so angry?" Blair asked, alarm mixed with a tinge of excitement filling her voice. If that's what Chuck was angry about, if that's why he pushed her away, she could still fix this.

Nate shook his head, groaning quietly. "Yes and no. How do you not see this Blair? To him that stunt you pulled was like a slap in the face to memories with you he still cares about."

Blair rolled her eyes, a small sigh escaping her lips. "I care about those memories too, I cherish them, that's what I was trying to remind Chuck of. He is simply being incorrigible. If he remembered, really remembered then he wouldn't keep pushing me away."

Leaning forward, Nate's voice increased incrementally in volume. "You're not getting it Blair? If you'd been dancing for the reasons you had been the first time maybe he would have seen things differently, but you weren't. You were trying to play some kind of mental war with him."

"I was not." Blair spoke, her voice high in pitch. As a certain amount of righteousness settled in. She didn't know what Nate had been told but he certainly was in no place to say what she was or wasn't thinking.

"You were too." Nate responded, voice still increasing in volume and he and Blair seemed to be preparing to throw temper tantrums worthy of their 5 year old selves. "You're playing with him, trying to tease and manipulate your way back in. You're still the same girl you were four years ago, he grew up and moved on."

"Guys-" Serena started, trying to cut in and stop this argument before it escalated. Not that she had any idea what was going on, she simply knew that if they didn't stop soon they would end up in a screaming match. She'd never seen Nate quite so angry, especially not at Blair.

But Blair disregarded Serena's attempts, her next words practically a hiss. "How dare you make these kind of assumptions about me, I'm just doing whatever I have to do to get him back. What would your advice be oh great one? Would you just tell me to give up?"

"Quit playing games!" Nate practically spat. "That's my advice Blair. If you want him back then quit playing games and show him that you've changed."

Serena looked back and forth between her boyfriend and her best friend, barely following at the rate they were going. Blair looked shocked at Nate's last words and Nate just looked exhausted. She'd clearly missed more than she'd thought. It appeared that Nate's recent conversations with Chuck had been much more enlightening than her recent ones with Blair. It was something she'd ask later because now clearly wasn't the time to chime in.

_**What a waste of time, the thought crossed my mind  
><strong>__**But I never missed a beat**_

Blair was practically frozen in shock, Nate had just snapped at her - he never did that. What was worse was that she was pretty sure that his opinion of her had changed quite drastically in the past few days and she didn't like it at all. She didn't want to play games , she wasn't trying to, she just didn't know how else to reach Chuck. "I'm not the same girl either Nate, it's not fair for you to make that assumption just because it's the easy one to make. If you want the whole issue to be black and white I can't stop you. I get it, I left Chuck, I gave him up and I don't have a right to come and ask for that back but I'm asking anyway."

_**Can't explain the who or what I was  
><strong>__**Trying to believe**_

Nate sighed as he seemed to collapse back into his seat. It was incredible how it felt to simply release some of his frustration from the past few days. He hadn't meant to go off on Blair but at the same time he'd been so confused about everything and nothing she was saying made any sense, or it made perfect sense but was a lie. He was as done with the games as Chuck. But he didn't want to lose Blair as a friend. "I'm not saying everything has to be easy and clean cut; or that Chuck never did anything wrong, we know he did. I'm just saying that you waited until after someone else had picked up the pieces and cleaned up your mess to come back for him."

He watched as Blair swallowed, continued watching as her breathing quickened, he could see in her eyes that she acknowledged that he had a point, so he decided to drive that point home. "And on top of all of that, you aren't going about it the right way."

_**What would you do?  
><strong>__**What would you do?  
><strong>__**Do you know?**_

Blair sighed. As much as it hurt she knew that Nate's words were at least somewhat valid. She had left and from everything she'd heard since coming back Gwen was responsible for the fact that Chuck was okay. Because honestly she was at as much of a loss as everyone else as to what to do in these situations. She'd never been the chaser, never had to truly make up for a mistake like this one. "Then how would you have me go about it?"

"I don't know." Nate spoke softly as he shook his head. "Maybe I wouldn't."

When it became clear that Nate had finally seemed to have gotten everything off his chest and Blair seemed appropriately subdued, Serena interjecting, speaking for the first time in several minutes. "B, I don't get it. Why now? Why after four years did you change your mind?" Maybe if she just understood Blair then she'd be able to help, maybe then she'd be able to help her fight for Chuck.

_**I once had a grip on everything  
><strong>__**It feels better to let go**_

Blair sighed again because she didn't know what to say, again. How did she explain the revelation that she'd had that night whilst studying. In truth she'd been feeling it for so long, slowly creeping up on her as she planned her wedding to Austin; but that one night something had just snapped and she'd known. "Because I'm an idiot for thinking I could run away from this, and so is he."

Nate sighed rather loudly as he heard Blair loud and clear. That was the same line she'd used on him the other day and it had worked like a charm; but it hadn't done either of them any good. "I'm not buying it Blair, what is it that made you decide now after he finally got over you?" His eyes said, you tricked me once with those words, you won't get me again.

_**I'm not over  
><strong>__**I'm not over you just yet**_

Blair ran a hand through her hair. She wanted them to understand, she really did, but how do you tell anyone - even your best friends - what she'd come to realize about herself. She'd been lying to herself for years, running from Chuck, her mom, Serena, Nate, New York, everything, only to find she'd really just been running from herself. She'd been so scared of knowing who she was and not liking it about not living up to her own expectations that she'd run so far away that she thought her past couldn't catch up to her. "I screwed up, I know that. I ran as far away as I could and I don't deserve to get him back but that doesn't change the fact that I love him. I'm always going to love him and I refuse to believe he doesn't love me"

_**Cannot hide it  
><strong>__**You're not that easy to forget  
><strong>__**I'm not over**_

"He's in love with Gwen." Serena spoke, her voice tense. She didn't know how to get through to Blair and she was getting angrier by the minute. She wanted to be able to be there for her best friend but she was so lost. Nate was right that Blair's behavior was borderline destructive even though she wasn't trying to destroy anything. It was as though her very presence had shaken all of New York until it was out of whack. They'd forgotten what it meant to be around Blair Waldorf.

Blair looked as though she were going to deny it when Nate spoke. "Blair, this isn't like Eva or Raina. What he feels for Gwen is so much more than that. I helped you the other day but I was wrong. I did it because you're Blair and I think on some level I wanted you to be right, I wanted you and Chuck to end up together - God knows we've been through enough."

_**Never took the chance, could've jump the fence  
><strong>__**I was scared of my own two feet**_

Blair shook her head slowly. "How do you know that I'm not right? How do you know that Chuck and I aren't meant for each other?" She asked imploringly.

Nate exhaled ready to say words he knew she didn't want to hear. "Because I watched him put himself back together after you. I watched him change and I watched him fall in love with someone else. And I'm starting to think that the only reason you want him is because he's off limits."

_**Couldn't cross the line, it was black and white  
><strong>__**No contrast to be seen**_

Blair's eyes narrowed at Nate as she stared him down. Switching her gaze to Serena whose face was quickly losing color. "Is that how you feel too?" She asked with a raised eyebrow.

Swallowing tightly Serena inhaled slowly. "I think that you're not being honest with yourself. Whatever happened with Austin we can work it out, I'm sure you can call him and fix things but this isn't the answer Blair. You're the one who chose this, Chuck's had to live with this for a long time, you aren't being fair to him by coming back after leaving like you did."

_**What would you do?  
><strong>__**What would you do?  
><strong>__**Do you know?**_

Blair gritted her teeth tightly. In that moment she wanted nothing more than to lash out at them. They were her best friends how could they think so little of her. Slowly she had to remind herself that she'd left them too and everything she'd neglected to tell them was her choice. "Regardless of what happens with Chuck, I'm not going back to Austin. I just have to work out just how to get him back. Which would be easier if you guys would help me." While they weren't her favorite scheming partners, they were really all she had to work with at the moment.

_**Was it all a joke, never had control  
><strong>__**I'm not better on my own**_

Nate was practically seething by the time Blair finished her sentence. He was so fucking frustrated right now. He felt like he was being yanked back and forth and he was tired off it. "You've got to stop playing games Blair. If you actually want him back then you have to earn him back and trying to ruin his life isn't going to do that."

Serena's head snapped towards Nate. All of his earlier anger at Blair seemed to have continued to multiply over the past few minutes. She wanted to say something to ease the tension in the room but she didn't know that there was anything to say. She was actually thankful when Blair spoke again.

_**I'm not over  
><strong>__**I'm not over you just yet  
><strong>__**Cannot hide it**_

She hadn't anticipated this anger from Nate, or quite this resistance from Serena. She needed them to be on her side with this or at very least she needed to know what she was up against. Yet all she seemed to know was that Nate wasn't happy about her behavior and Chuck was apparently really in love with Gwen. As much as she hated to admit it she supposed it was true if everyone was saying it.

Blair's next words were careful. "This isn't a game for me." Her voice was quiet and slightly unsteady which might have been the thing that drew the attention of Nate and Serena away from their own distracting thoughts and back to Blair.

_**You're not that easy to forget  
><strong>__**I'm not over**_

It was almost as though the room were vibrating with the promise of what she was about to reveal. "I've been flippant because I didn't want to admit how scared I am. I thought that if I was confident and determined enough that I wouldn't have to admit the fact that I'm absolutely terrified that I'm too late."

There was almost a collective exhale in the room as both Serena and Nate seemed to finally see their friend again instead of seeing a girl who they'd barely felt they recognized. But it was once more Blair who spoke. "The night I left Austin, I was writing and erasing Chuck's name on the guest list and I was hit with this paralyzing realization that this was all real and I was about to marry someone else. I was staring down at a future without Chuck in it and I couldn't do it."

_**What a waste of time  
><strong>__**The thought crossed my mind**_

Blair's voice began to crack as she spoke as tears sprang to her eyes. "I was so scared of knowing what I wanted at twenty that I ruined everything, I didn't even give Chuck a chance to change my mind. I can be happy without him but I'm not me without him."

Blair watched Serena crack just like her voice had done only moments before but she had something else she had to add before she let Serena or Nate speak. "I never gave Chuck the chance to change my mind because I knew he would. And I was stupid and young, but that isn't an excuse. What I did to Chuck . . ." She trailed off, looking away before centering herself once more. "It's not an excuse. And I know I don't deserve to have him back, but I have to try. I have to try for both of our sakes."

_**Can't explain this thing, or what I mean  
><strong>__**I'm trying to let go**_

Serena wiped one quick tear from her eye before reaching over and taking Blair's hand. "I want you to be happy B, I do. And if you really believe that Chuck's what you need to be happy then I hope things work out."

Pulling Serena to her Blair hugged her friend tightly. Her words soft as she whispered a quiet thank you before turning her head to look at Nate as she pulled away.

Nate exhaled as he observed her. In that moment, the girl before him was more the Blair he knew than he'd seen in such a long time that it was almost startling. But at the same time, the Blair from before had never been so open and vulnerable. It was almost scary to see her lay herself so bare. But his loyalty had shifted after the Victrola incident, it made things more difficult. "We're the Non-Judging Breakfast Club, whatever you do, we do too."

_**I'm not over  
><strong>__**I'm not over you just yet**_

Blair tilted her head slightly, a small smile lighting her eyes as she tried to discern what she was saying.

"I won't stop you, for now." He spoke quietly, his loyalty to Chuck warring with all the anger inside of him. "But I won't help you anymore either. I think you missed your chance with Chuck and if you hurt him I'm done with this friendship." Furrowing his brow Nate sighed. "So don't hurt him okay?"

Blair nodded placing one careful hand on his knee. "I won't."

_**Cannot hide it  
><strong>__**You're not that easy to forget**_

"And no more games." He spoke, his gaze still narrowed yet slightly more hopeful.

"No games. I promise." Blair spoke reassuringly. Happy to know that while not quite his support or his blessing, she still knew that Nate hadn't given up on her.

_**I'm not over **_

Nate nodded once and knew they'd struck a bargain of sorts. Their friendship would depend on whether or not Blair broke that bargain. It wasn't until later when Blair had left that he mentioned the situation to Serena, mentioned how worried he was. "How do you think it will turn out?"

Serena's head snapped towards Nate, at first unsure of what he was talking about but slowly realizing what he meant, Blair, he meant Blair and Chuck. "I don't know." She said with a slight shake of her head. "It's Chuck and Blair, don't they always find their way back to one another."

Nate's brow furrowed slightly. "I'm not sure they're still the same Chuck and Blair they used to be."

"We all grew up." Serena spoke reassuringly as she walked towards Nate.

Sighing Nate met her gaze. "I know. But I think that maybe the way they grew up changed things. They grew apart."

Serena couldn't help remember a line she'd read recently in a book, a line that had resonated with her at the time but she hadn't known why. She couldn't remember the name of the book simply that one line and couldn't help but speak it to Nate. "Growing apart doesn't change the fact that for a long time they grew side by side; their roots will always be tangled."

Nate looked at her in surprise. Serena wasn't normally the poetic type.

"It's from a book." She supplied at Nate's inquiring gaze. "But I think it fits here. Chuck and Blair might run halfway around the globe from each other, they might be with different people, have different experiences; but the parts of them at their very core, their roots, can never be separated."

Swallowing tightly, Nate found himself nodding. "It makes sense. They are who they are because of one another, there's something fundamental about each of them that exists because of the other." Serena nodded as well but Nate had one final thing that he had to say. "But I still don't know that we should be helping her."

Inhaling softly, Serena intertwined her fingers with Nate's. "I'm going to be there for her, but I think it's up to them to figure out how to deal with this. I love them both and I've learned the hard way that you just have to let them be."

"The hard way?" Nate questioned, catching the slight slip of the tongue on Serena's part.

Serena shook her head. "It's a long story."

Nate nodded reassuringly as he gave her hand a squeeze. "I've got time."

* * *

><p>Blair braced herself as she stepped out of the elevator. It had been a tough decision on her part to do this and honestly she still wasn't sure she was doing the right thing. Chuck had made it clear that he didn't want to see her but after the conversation she'd had earlier with Nate and Serena she couldn't help it.<p>

She'd been thinking all afternoon about what they'd said and now all she could think was that they were right. She owed Chuck an apology. She really had been playing games, though completely unintentionally. All she'd been trying to do was get his attention so she'd mistakenly resorted to the old way they'd done things. But she was better than that, she'd grown up; she was foolish to think that Chuck hadn't done the same.

Stepping into the entrance way she was surprised to see a woman there. So surprised that it took her a moment to register who the woman must be . . . Gwen of course. Blair stopped short, Gwen hadn't seen her yet, she was arranging flowers on the table. It gave Blair the few seconds she needed to take her in. God she was beautiful. She was blonde like Serena but that's where the similarities ended; as breathtaking as Gwen was she wasn't the obvious kind of pretty that Serena was, it was more subtle than that. Soft blonde waves of hair, a figure more like Blair's than Serena's, and an almost porcelain doll quality to her features.

Realizing that Gwen was lost in a world of her own, Blair cleared her throat lightly. "Excuse me." She spoke, her voice gentle for now. When Gwen turned to face her three things surprised her. First, the girl didn't seem surprised that someone was there - so she'd likely known someone was there and had simply waited on Blair to announce herself. Second, her smile was brilliant, almost dizzying. And third, there was an intelligence that lit her eyes and accentuated her features once she was no longer relaxed - but that wasn't all, Blair immediately recognized a glint there that she'd only seen a few times, looking in the mirror and in the eyes of Georgina Sparks or Jenny Humphrey.

Gwen let the hint of a smirk onto her face as she observed the young woman before her. Game recognizes game immediately and Gwen could see that this young woman had it if only from the spark in her eyes. "I was wondering when you'd announce your presence."

Blair only gave a slight nod because now that she knew she was right, she knew she had to tread carefully. "I apologize, I was expecting to see Chuck, you caught me off guard."

Gwen nodded in turn, her eyes meeting the young woman's gaze directly. "Of course. He's still at the office though and I'm afraid Nate's still out as well." She couldn't help but think that the girl looked like someone she should know. Something about her was just instinctively familiar, almost like déjà vu.

Blair laughed softly, giving the girl a slight smirk as well. "Nathaniel's over at my house with Serena. I wouldn't expect him back tonight."

For the first time since she'd smelled the scent of Chanel Allure that had alerted her to a distinctly female presence in the room, Gwen was surprised. She should have known better, she should have recognized her, Gwen was smarter than that. She kept her face controlled but by the spark in young woman's eyes she knew the other girl hadn't failed to notice her slip. "You're Blair Waldorf." She spoke clearly as she took a step forward.

This time it was Blair's turn to be surprised as a slight wave of uncertainty slipped over her. So Gwen knew who she was? What else might she know that Blair hadn't been expecting. "I am. And you are?" Blair asked leadingly though she already knew.

"Guinevere Chancellor, but please call me Gwen." She said with a polite smile at the girl she knew to be Chuck's first love. The one who'd hurt him so badly when she left.

"Guinevere?" Blair asked with raised eyebrows, putting together the reaction that she should be having if meeting someone with that name in these circumstances for the first time.

Gwen laughed lightly. Blair was kind of a bitch, it was obvious even in the way she was trying to be nice. The thing was Gwen actually liked it. "I have brothers named Arthur and Lance and a sister named Morgan." She could see the laughter in Blair's eyes and it brought the same to her own. "My dad was a bit obsessed with Arthurian legend; which explains the name of my company, Avalon Cosmetics."

Blair tilted her head slightly, her curiosity causing her to break character. "You're company."

"My father passed almost two years ago, I'm about to be named CEO." Gwen supplied.

Blair noticed the flicker of hurt in the young woman's eyes and it caused a twist of pain in her heart. So Gwen and Chuck had that in common. Blair could see the likelihood that there was a bond there and she knew it would be a hard one to break. "My condolences."

Gwen nodded, taking only a moment to bring herself back together before snapping her head towards Blair. "Yes, well it's in the past. Now how can I help you? I didn't realize you were back in town."

Blair nodded. Once more she wondered how much Gwen knew because clearly she knew that Blair had been gone; but interestingly enough she didn't know that Blair was back. Perhaps she hadn't seen Chuck yet. "My semester finished, I'm in town for the break. But I was just stopping by to talk to Chuck."

Gwen lifted one perfectly kept brow. "I'm afraid he won't be back for quite some time."

Blair saw it then, the protectiveness she herself had for Chuck. There wasn't really an answer to what she asked, Gwen had managed to deftly tell her only that Chuck wasn't there without any invitation to stay and wait. Blair couldn't help but think of a lioness protecting her own, and begrudgingly she felt an almost intense respect."I see." She spoke softly before adding, her voice light and inquiring. "Have you two been living together for long? Nate didn't mention anything." She was careful to keep any jealousy she was feeling completely in check.

At that Gwen couldn't help but laugh. "I don't live here. I mean I have a key and my own set of rooms but I still keep an apartment of my own, though Chuck's always telling me that it's unnecessary."

Blair held back her surprise. She assumed that it was Chuck's hesitance that kept them from moving in together not Gwen's. She could see that the girl had a streak of independence that Blair couldn't help but admire. It was no strong feat to be able to stand alone apart from Chuck while still dating him. About to dismiss herself she noticed something. When Gwen had said Chuck's name, she'd placed her hand on the necklace around her neck. Following her fingers Blair almost gasped at how exquisite the piece was. "That's lovely." She spoke softly, knowing that Gwen had followed her eyes.

Gwen nodded, giving an unconscious smile as she looked down at her fingers. "Chuck gave it to me today when he picked me up from the airport." She spoke, voice relaxed as she remembered the moment. She'd missed him even more so than usual this trip. It was strange, she'd had serious relationships before but she'd always managed to keep herself in check, she always came first but with Chuck things were just different.

Blair swallowed tightly as she heard Gwen's voice because the simple sound of it set a fire off inside of her that made her want claw the other girl's eyes out - a girl she'd just admitted to respecting. If she'd thought she'd been holding her jealousy in check before, it was only because she hadn't known what jealousy truly felt like yet. But in that moment she knew and she hated it.

Gwen was head over heels in love with Chuck, Blair could hear it in every syllable Gwen spoke when speaking about him and the look that had appeared in her eyes was beyond simple infatuation. And if Gwen was the more independent, more hesitant one in the relationship then this meant that everyone had been right - Chuck was actually in love with someone else. And they were right about something else too. This wasn't like Raina who'd been like a challenge for Chuck or Eva who'd represented a life Chuck wanted to hide in; this girl was strong, confident, beautiful and she was exactly the type of girl Chuck could actually fall in love with.

Speaking, Blair had to work to control her own voice. The words she was struggling to say were even more difficult than those she had come to say to Chuck. "It sounds like you guys have something really special." And as she spoke the monster that was building inside of her seemed to roar. The pain was so great she found herself holding back tears.

Gwen looked back up at Blair and smiled. She knew enough about Blair from things she'd heard from Chuck, Nate, and Serena to know that the sincerity in her voice was real not to mention rare. And while Blair should be someone she was wary of she believed in what she and Chuck had together and that made her unafraid. "Honestly, I thought he was going to propose today."

"Really?" Blair asked swallowing back the burning sensation in her throat as she forced herself to put up a composed front. Things couldn't be that serious, could they? But even as she asked herself the questions the pieces began to click into place. Things were that serious with them. It was in Gwen's eyes and her voice and most of all in the way that Chuck had completely disregarded her.

Gwen bit her lip, knowing she was saying things to Blair that she hadn't really voiced to anyone; but something about the fact that Blair had once loved Chuck too made her feel comfortable saying it. Not to mention the slight ounce of gratification she felt knowing that Blair had to feel a least a little bit of longing because honestly it would have to be impossible to not miss Chuck. "I don't even know how to describe it. When I was leaving for Italy he told me he had a surprise for me and I just felt it, I felt like he was going to do it and in that moment I knew I was going to say yes."

Inhaling, Blair forced herself to breath around the knife that felt as though it was piercing her chest. Her entire body was hot and cold at the same, she'd give anything if she could just feel numb instead. "You're lucky. Chuck is an amazing man."

"So is he." Gwen spoke confidently as she sent Blair a conspirital smirk.

Blair nodded as though to say touché; her ability to control her emotions was fading quickly, she needed to get out of there. "I should go."

Gwen lifted a shoulder lightly, surprised at what she was about to say. "You don't have to."

"I think I should." Blair spoke, knowing that she couldn't stay here any longer. She needed to go, needed to compose herself so she could get her thoughts together because right now she didn't know anything at all.

Nodding Gwen took a couple of steps towards Blair. "I'd like for us all to be friends Blair. You were an intricate part of Chuck's childhood and I don't want you to feel like you can't still be part of his life just because I'm in it now." Gwen knew she was treading a dangerous line but once more she felt a strange kinship with Blair. And even if she didn't, she fully believed that you kept your friends close and your enemies closer. So if Blair turned out to fall into that latter category, she knew that she needed to be prepared.

Shakily Blair met Gwen's gaze. "Thank you." She said, unsure of Gwen's words or her motives, only certain that she her entire world seemed to have been turned on its head with one simple ten minute conversation.

"Then I'll let you go." Gwen spoke, completely composed and surprisingly excited by the opportunity to learn more about the illusive Blair Waldorf. "I look forward to getting to know you Blair."

Forcing once more the mask of composure Blair spoke with a smile. "You too, Gwen. I'm sure I'll see you soon." And with those words she walked out of the apartment. Careful to keep her steps calm as she walked towards the elevator, more careful to compose her face as the elevator doors closed and give the standard smile to Gwen who was smiling at her. But as soon as the doors were shut, she let it all out.

Her body felt wave after wave of pain and confusion as she gripped the hand rail of the elevator for support. What if she had been wrong about everything? What if Chuck was better off with Gwen, better without her? Gwen loved him and he loved her and Gwen wasn't scared of that, it was obvious. Blair had come to tell him that she was done playing games but what if what she should have been saying was simply that she was done?

* * *

><p>Staring out the window of Bass Industries he could see so much of midtown. From here it looked like he owned the city and in some ways he did. The number of Manhattan properties he now owned was astronomical which was usually why he loved standing here looking out. It put a certain amount of pressure on his shoulders to keep the city afloat.<p>

But tonight he wasn't looking at the buildings; no tonight he was fixated on the lights. The lights were shining all down Broadway as the night seemed to come to life. Crossing his arms he stared at the lights until they blurred together becoming indiscernible from one another.

He shouldn't be here tonight. He should be home celebrating his engagement; only he wasn't engaged. On the limo ride to the airport he'd convinced himself he was being an idiot about everything. That he was feeling the sting of losing his bachelorhood for good. He'd told himself that the moment he saw her each of these feelings would have been erased completely.

But he'd seen her and he still hadn't done it. Gwen walked out of the terminal and he'd just stood there staring. He hadn't dropped to one knee, he had barely even managed a smile. He had been so confused that he'd been frozen like a complete idiot. It didn't make any sense, he should have proposed, he'd planned the proposal weeks ago, he'd had the ring for months now.

Furious at himself, he placed his palms against the glass of the window just to stabilize himself a bit. Proposing was the next step, it was the natural progression for them, so why hadn't he done it. He knew it didn't have anything to do with things changing with them afterwards. They had the same philosophy about marriage - they always had.

_Chuck was lying on the bed staring up at the ceiling when he felt Gwen pull the sheet up further on her naked form. He was still out of breath from the sex they'd just had. He thought she might have drifted off to sleep until he heard her voice. _

_"Do you think you'll ever want kids?" Gwen asked her voice completely normal. As though that were just any ordinary question and she was simply curious. _

_Chuck's head turned to look at her as much because of the question as because of the tone. Finding that he was staring at her profile as she gazed at the ceiling he turned his head back. For a moment he seriously contemplated the question, because he didn't simply want to tell her what she wanted to hear, he wanted to tell her the truth. "I think so." He spoke after a few minutes. "But only if I'm in the position to be a good parent." _

_This time it was Gwen who turned her head. "What do you mean?" She asked curiously. _

_Chuck exhaled slowly before turning his head to face hers. "My father sucked, so did yours. I don't want that for my kids." _

_Nodding Gwen continued to face Chuck, blowing a piece of hair that had fallen on her lips out of her face. "I don't want to be my parents but I don't want the perfect life either." _

_"What do you mean?" Chuck asked almost amazed at the calmness they were both exuding. This was supposed to be a conversation that couples struggled with, it was supposed to be awkward and uncertain. For them, it felt like just another conversation._

_Gwen smiled. "You know 2.5 kids, stay at home mom, soccer practice, the white picket fence in the suburbs."  
><em>

_Chuck visibly shuddered. "God I hate the suburbs." He supplied before they both started laughing. Gwen was always beautiful but when she laughed it made his heart stop. Once their laughter had slowed he smiled at her, recognizing that the moment had turned serious. "I would never ask you to be that. We would never have to be traditional, we'd find our own way of doing things, make our own rules. For instance, I never want to leave the city - it's the one part of my childhood I've never regretted." _

_Gwen sighed reaching over to link her hand with his. "Me either." Then after another moment she thought of something she wanted to add. "And I want to wait a bit to have kids."_

_Chuck nodded. "Until we're both established of course."  
><em>

_"But not too long." She supplied immediately.  
><em>

_"Obviously, we actually want to be around for their lives." He finished. Slowly he laced his fingers through hers and squeezed lightly._

_Gwen frowned ever so slightly. "And no animals, they're messy." _

_Chuck smirked. "Really? I rather like dogs." _

_Rolling her eyes Gwen returned the smirk. "Well I suppose I'm negotiable on that point." _

_Once more they found that they were both dissolving into laughter. This time the laughter led them to become a bit more interlinked as Chuck tugged her towards him. As she hovered over him only a baby's breath away, their laughter slowed as it was replaced with a different type of energy. Reaching up slowly, Chuck tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "It will happen when we're ready you know?" _

_Gwen nodded her head just a fraction. "I know." She spoke lowly before allowing her eyes to flutter closed as she placed the softest of kisses on his lips. _

Marriage wouldn't change them, it wouldn't mean they weren't themselves anymore. He knew they were on the same page; so why had that decision been so difficult? Why had he been scared of losing his bachelorhood? He refused to think the one word that kept coming to his mind, the word that was quickly turning into a phrase. A phrase he refused to let himself think about. Yet there it was, he couldn't avoid at very least considering it.

_Blair_

Blair is what had changed. Earlier he'd said that her reappearance had only shaken him, it had only thrown him around a little bit - he readily admitted that. He wasn't delaying the proposal because of her. He was delaying it because he wasn't thinking like himself. He just had to get everything back to normal in his life once more.

_He'd never once doubted proposing to Blair. _

No, he wouldn't think about that. It wasn't important. Blair was a part of his past and there was no point.

_He'd almost died protecting the engagement ring he'd purchased for her._

The ring from the proposal that he never finished; the proposal that Dan Humphrey interrupted. The ring that he'd kept locked away in a safe even when they'd been at war. The ring that he'd tried to force on her finger the night of her engagement to Louis. The ring that still lay within a velvet box in the desk of his office.

_He'd been so sure. He'd been sure enough to propose three times. _

He'd been young, he'd been reckless, he'd been a fool. To think that the first girl he ever fell in love with would be the last was lunacy. To think that they'd been ready to spend a lifetime together or that she could forgive his mistakes was even more ridiculous a thought. No matter what she'd said, she'd never forgiven what he'd done to her; she'd proved that when she left.

"Damn it." He cursed aloud. This was insanity. How could Blair have so easily disrupted his life once more? He didn't love her anymore. How could someone love a person who'd done what she did?

Blair had promised forgiveness, she'd promised that they'd rebuild. Then she'd gone after the one thing she had the power to destroy. She had given him the life he'd always wanted with her, she'd shown him the fairy tale that he'd never dreamed could actually be his and then she'd taken it away. She'd made him the happiest man in the world only so that he'd know what it felt like once he was back at the bottom; because once you've tasted real happiness, the misery is so much more acute.

Gwen had been the one to show him happiness again. Pure unfiltered happiness and Blair had no right to fuck with that now. Because if it weren't for Gwen he'd still be in that terrible place. Gwen sparked something in him that he'd thought he'd lost forever when he lost Blair. She warmed his heart and somehow managed to make it beat faster and slower at the same time. It wasn't just that rushing feeling of passion that Chuck always felt for her, there was also a sense of calmness that anchored him.

Smiling, Chuck felt his posture relax as the calmness seemed to wash over him in waves. He'd always been like this. It was always so difficult for him to trust. His father hadn't cared most of his life and his mother had died. No one had ever stayed, no one until Blair. Blair had been the one to teach him to trust, to teach him to depend on someone. Then she'd destroyed that trust completely. She'd made it harder for him to trust people than ever before Gwen had slowly but surely repaired all of that.

Closing his eyes Chuck smiled, the anger he felt earlier was gone because now he finally understood. He was having trouble trusting himself because that's what seeing Blair had done. It had brought back that awful feeling of doubt. Shaking his head his smile broadened. It didn't matter if he didn't propose today, what mattered is that he would propose and if he had to wait a little bit longer to feel ready, he would wait.

Opening his eyes, his smile faded like the image of the city as the reflection behind him seemed to force itself over the view outside. Just as she was trying to force herself back into his life. He didn't say anything as his eyes connected with hers through their reflections.

For a moment Blair stood silently just staring at Chuck through the glass reflection. Her heart was beating a million times a minute and her stomach felt sick. There were still feelings lingering from her earlier conversation with Gwen. Since leaving the New Yorker all she had been able to think about was the possibility that she had been wrong - the possibility that Chuck would never want her like he once had. The doubt was beginning to devour her so she'd done the only thing she could and come to see him. "Chuck." She spoke, her voice barely a breath.

Chuck turned around slowly knowing that Blair wouldn't leave until she said whatever it was that she wanted to say. "How can I help you?" He asked facing her completely and placing his hands on the back of his office chair.

Swallowing Blair tried her best to smile though at the moment she felt like crying. "I met Gwen today."

Chuck sighed before nodding. Of course she'd met Gwen, Blair would be Blair after all. He shouldn't expect anything else. His thought made him think back to a simple conversation he'd had with Nate what felt like a lifetime ago and in many ways it was.

_Nate looked down into his glass of scotch as though it had the answer before taking a deep swallow and looking up at Chuck who set on the dresser. "Was it stupid of me to think that Blair had changed?" _

_"Yes." Chuck responded immediately, his voice a low rumble as he took a deep gulp of his own scotch. _

_Nate had hoped that Chuck would have the answers, would tell him he wasn't an idiot for trusting Blair again. He sighed as he looked down, hating what he was about to say. "So, she's just the way she is." _

_This time Chuck interrupted quickly, not letting Nate finish. "What I mean, is it's stupid for you to want her to be anything other than she is." Chuck spoke through hooded eyes. Before looking directly at Nate for his next words. "Anyway, Blair is changing."_

_"How do you know?" Nate asked, giving Chuck his undivided attention. It was almost contradictory that he was seeking advice on Blair from someone else when he felt as though he should know her better than anyone. Yet he looked to Chuck as though he had all the answers when it came to Blair because for some reason Chuck and Blair just got each other. _

_Chuck almost toasted Nate as he took a swallow preparing to answer his question because in a sense Nate did deserve his congratulations. "Because she could have had me. She chose you." He watched as Nate looked down but he wasn't stopping. He wanted Blair, but more than that he wanted her to be happy. If Nate was what Blair needed or wanted to make her happy than he would help Nate be there for her. "Now she just needs someone to believe in her." _

Chuck's shoulder's tightened as he brought himself from the brief memory. They weren't those people anymore. Or at least he wasn't. Maybe Blair was still that young girl that schemed to get what she wanted but he wasn't, he'd grown up. He sighed heavily as he looked downward towards his desk. Now he understood what Nate had meant then. There was a time and place for those games and their real lives, their futures weren't part of that.

"She's nice." Blair spoke, trying to put something other than desperation in her voice. Her uncertainties were beginning to get the better of her. She'd been so sure when she'd made the choice to come back. If she still felt it, if she still couldn't move on then how could he not? Yet as they stood there staring at one another all she knew was that there really was someone new, someone who loved him like she did. "I don't hate her." She offered quietly.

Chuck couldn't help the single line he knew must be showing across his brow as he gripped the back of the chair. It was just so easy to remember his history with Blair - especially the good parts. But then he remembered that it was Gwen they were talking about. And he resolved to simply let things lie. Relaxing slowly, he exhaled. "From Blair Waldorf that's a resounding endorsement."

Pursing her lips Blair struggled not to shake. "You really love her don't you?" It was hard to think about but at this point she knew it was true. Chuck had fallen in love with someone else.

Sighing Chuck could almost taste the relief that was washing over him. Blair had finally realized that he'd moved on, now maybe she'd be able to do the same. He couldn't help but feel hopeful that everything was about to go back to normal. Blair would go home or at least she'd back off and he and Gwen could go back to the way things were. He'd finally be able to stop doubting every decision he was making. "Yes, I really love her."

Blair's heart was racing a mile a minute as she met his gaze. "Like you loved me?" She asked her words careful as though she were searching for something.

Chuck inhaled deeply before exhaling. "Blair . . . It's different." He spoke shaking his head. The hope that he had been feeling only moments before was already draining.

"Then not like you loved me?" Blair asked, a smile tugging at the edges of her lips as her eyes brightened ever so slightly. That was it; that was the very thing she'd been waiting for. She'd needed to see some sign that Chuck acknowledged that what they had was something more.

Chuck didn't know what to say. He knew he needed to explain what he meant but he couldn't. What he'd had with Blair was untouchable until they'd destroyed it. It wasn't all her, he knew that, but he'd wanted to keep trying, she hadn't.

Blair took a tentative step forward. "We both know I was your great love Chuck. You only get one of those. The kind that sets you on fire, that burns and consumes you."

"Until there's nothing left." Chuck practically growled as his grip tightened on the chair once more. When he spoke his voice could only be considered tired. "You're right. You were my one great love. But great love isn't real, you can't build a life on it. We proved that. Great love can't last Blair, it implodes on itself over and over again, until it destroys everything. What I have with Gwen, that's real love - the kind that lasts forever. What you and I had is in the past."

Blair was shaking her head as she took another step towards him. "You're wrong about that Chuck. You never forget the great love, believe me I know." She spoke remembering the anxiety she felt the closer her wedding to Austin had gotten. It wasn't that she didn't understand what he was saying - she knew the kind of love he was talking about, it was firm and solid and felt so incredibly stable. She'd had it with Austin but in the end she'd been so haunted by the love she still felt for Chuck. "The other kind of love feels like forever doesn't it? It's like you can always depend on it to be there, never wavering, never faltering. It's just so dependable."

Chuck raised his eyebrows as if to say 'of course.' Because he didn't understand her point. Love should be those things. It shouldn't be guessing games, jealousy, and plots of revenge.

"It's safe." Blair spoke recalling a conversation she'd once had with Chuck when he'd invited her to the top of the Empire State Building. "And we were never safe." Chuck looked as though he was about to say something but she wasn't done. "The security feels good doesn't it? But you'll always miss the fire."

"The fire's dead Blair." He spoke softly. "And I'm happy again. I'm finally happy again." He looked at her almost sadly when he spoke his next words. "I don't miss it Blair, not anymore."

Blair swallowed tightly unsure what more she could say. He might deny missing it but she knew it was still there, it left a certain residue that never completely disappeared. This kind of love was not one sided. So even if she didn't feel the energy pulsing between them that used to be there, even if he was cold to her and certain that they weren't meant to be, she was certain enough for both of them. "I'm not leaving New York Chuck."

"You don't have to." He replied, his voice calm. Blair's persistence had exhausted him to the point that he couldn't even focus.

Blair nodded slowly. Something about his voice had calmed her down in some manner. It was as though they had reached an understanding of sorts. Both knew what the other wanted and neither was willing to acquiesce. "But I'm not giving up."

Chuck's breathing was heavy as he looked at Blair with almost pleading eyes. "I don't want to fight."

A slight smirk appeared on Blair's features as she realized that she wasn't ready to let go. Maybe he thought they were done but she knew better. "Too bad because I'm about to fight like hell."

Chuck sighed as he watched her turn and walk away. All he could think was that his life was getting much more complicated because it was clear now that Blair wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. So he was just going to have to learn to deal with her presence and the repercussions that were sure to follow.

* * *

><p><strong>Alright so there it is the song was I'm Not Over by Carolina Liar and the quote Serena was talking about is from a book called Matched by Allie Condie which I highly recommend. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it and I would looooooveeee if you'd review!<strong>

**xoxo - kate**


	6. The Past Revisited

Hint/Warning: The title of this Fanfic isn't just about the book Dan wrote about Blair. The narration will never directly lie to you during this story BUT the characters might lie to one another and indirectly to you. Just a friendly note :)

Also - Just wanted to remind you that Blair's visited home twice since leaving. One was the Hamptons, we don't know what the other was just yet.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 5: The Past Revisted<strong>

"So you're saying it's done?" Blair asked into her cell phone, careful not to say more than she had to; after all she was at Dan's and she wasn't quite ready for him to know about this.

"It's done." The man said. "I signed the rest of the papers this morning."

Blair nodded though he couldn't see her. "That's perfect." Even though she said the words she knew that she didn't mean them. Part of her was happy, it was after all what she had wanted, but another part of her felt a pang of sadness that it had come to this. "Thank you Clark, I really do appreciate it."

Blair wasn't certain what Clark said next as it was drowned out by the ringing through of another call. "I have to go. Someone's trying to beep through." She spoke quickly, her business with Clark was done anyway so she didn't really mind, that's why when he got off the phone, she didn't think about it before quickly clicking over. "Hello, Blair Waldorf speaking."

"Blair?" Austin gasped in surprise. He'd been calling once a day since she'd left, once a day for weeks now and not once had she answered, not once had she returned one of his calls. So now on a day when he'd been calling almost distractedly, preparing to leave another voice mail he found that she answered and every word in the English language other than her name fled his mind.

Blair's chest constricted painfully, as her whole body seemed to freeze up in shock. If she'd had any idea that it might be Austin she wouldn't have answered, she would have let him add another voicemail to the 16 already filling her inbox. He never called before noon, he was rarely awake before noon. Standing there dumbstruck she knew she had to say something, preferably something that would get her off the phone quickly. "Austin . . .hi." She knew even in this most unintelligible state that those had not been the words she was looking for.

His heart was pounding at the sound of her voice, particularly the sound of her voice saying his name and his heart - loud as it was - seemed to be his only functioning organ at the moment so he chose to let it take control. "I miss you, darling."

Blair's heart melted and the rest of her body along with it as she heard Austin call her darling, one of his favorite affectionate names for her. She had to brace herself against the wall of the hallway. The pain in his voice was enough to break her clean in two. "I miss you too." She spoke, her voice likely betraying how much.

Austin swallowed tightly knowing that this might be his only chance to convince her. She'd been caught off guard when she answered the phone so she hadn't meant to do it; he knew her, she wouldn't make that mistake again. So in his next words, he placed everything he'd been feeling for her the past few weeks that she'd been gone, everything he'd been feeling the past 3 years she'd been in his life. "Then come home."

Blair's hand not holding the phone, held tightly to the hall tree next to her, gripping it for support that she knew she couldn't give herself. Just as she'd witnessed the other day that Chuck did indeed love Gwen, she loved Austin and her next words were some of the hardest she'd ever uttered aloud. "I am home."

Austin's heart throbbed painfully at her words but she was still on the line so he wasn't giving up yet. "Then please Blair, let me make it my home too."

"Please don't make this harder than it already is." Blair spoke, her voice weakening as she always knew it would when this moment came.

Shaking his head, Austin clasped the phone even more tightly as though doing so could hold her there, could keep her from hanging up. "You left. You ended our engagement with a note and you begged me not to come after you. You're throwing years away as though they never happened and that destroys me because they were the best years of my life."

Blair pursed her lips tightly as she forced back the tears that were threatening to fall. "I am so sorry that I've hurt you Austin. I love you and I wanted to make this as easy for you as I possibly could. Being with you was the most selfish thing I've ever done."

"Then be selfish." Austin said, knowing his voice could be constituted as pleading. "I give you my complete permission to be selfish."

Blair gasped aloud from her effort to keep the tears from falling. "I can't anymore. You mean too much to me and you deserve someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved. That person isn't me Austin."

Austin could feel his world crumbling around him as he tried to hold it together. "I love you. I've loved you since the moment you walked into the advising office junior year."

Blair smiled sadly at the memory, she remembered that day so well. "I'll always love you Austin, always. But not . . ."

"Like you love him." Austin finished for her, hearing the words in her voice. The illusive "him" in Blair's life. The one she'd run from years ago and the reason she' d gone back to New York.

"I was going to say, not like you deserve. But I do want you to find that kind of love Austin. The kind that you run from because you're scared to admit it's real, but you can never forget it so you always come back." Blair spoke, feeling herself detach herself from the situation emotionally.

Austin's hand trembled as he heard her words, he knew what they meant, what Blair was saying. "That's how I feel about you." He said, knowing that she wasn't describing how she felt about him, she was talking about "him."

Running a hand through her hair, Blair pressed her back against the wall. "I really am sorry Austin. I really wanted to be that girl for you." She could hear his breathing on the other end of the line and was worried at how shaky it was. She'd only seen Austin cry a few times but still she knew the signs. "I need to go."

"Blair." Austin managed through the tears he quickly felt surfacing; tears he hadn't allowed to come the past few weeks without her. Inhaling he forced himself to calm down, forced himself to remember how much he loved her. He could hear her on the other end of the line, silent but her breathing indicated that she was still there. So he said words he never wanted to say. "I don't want to lose you. But I love you enough to respect your wishes. I can love you enough to let you go."

Exhaling, Blair spoke only a few words, knowing that at the moment they were probably all that she could manage. "Thank you."

Her mind started moving backwards before she even had the chance to stop it as she'd known it would from the moment that she heard Austin's voice. She hadn't wanted to think about him because she knew how much harder it would make leaving him be.

_"Morning." Austin spoke, his voice rumbling against her hair. _

_"Good morning." Blair said with a smile as she moved to rest her hands on his chest, her head tilted to meet Austin's gaze. There was a warm hum that seemed to travel throughout her body as she looked at him and it felt so incredibly good. _

_Austin smiled as Blair moved around before looking up at him. "You're so beautiful." Reaching down he took a strand of her dark hair in his fingers and began stroking it ever so slightly. _

_Blair blushed as she leaned into him. "I love it when you do that." _

_"What?" Austin asked seriously, not sure if she meant complimenting her or something else. _

_Grinning Blair tilted her head ever so slightly. "Play with my hair. You've done it for as long as I can remember, even when I was determined to hate you." _

_Austin returned her grin as he rested his other hand on her back, holding her close. "I hadn't realized I did it." _

_Blair simply nodded before closing her eyes and relaxing into him. _

_After a moment of near silence, where only the sound of their breathing could be heard Austin felt words slipping through his lips. "This feels so real; but at the same time it feels like it can't be, it feels like it has to be a dream. It's like everything I've wanted, everything I've dreamed of and it happened all in one night." _

_Blair's eyes fluttered open, a smile warming her face as she looked up at Austin once more. "It was real." _

_"So we are really both going to Stanford in the fall?" Austin asked, still having difficulty wrapping his mind around it. _

_Blair nodded, continuing to grin at Austin through heavy lids. "Yes Mr. Davenport."_

_Austin's chest rumbled slightly as he laughed lowly at her response. But as his laughter subsided he looked into her eyes again. "And you love me?" _

_Smile broadening, Blair propped herself up to better meet Austin's gaze. "Yes, I love you." _

_Nodding as though seriously considering something Austin thought for a minute before speaking again. He could see the slight air of confusion in Blair's gaze so rather than taking time to think about how he wanted to phrase his next words, he just let them out. "Move in with me." _

_Blair's eyes widened as she further moved to support herself, bringing the sheet around her body as she did. Realizing he must be joking she began to laugh. _

_Shaking his head, Austin reached out and took Blair's hand, both of them now sitting up. "Move in with me." He repeated, his voice calm as he met her gaze. _

_Blair's eyes began to narrow as her eyebrows furrowed. She wasn't laughing any longer. "You're serious?" She asked as her eyes searched his for any sign that he was joking. _

_Nodding, Austin clasped her other hand in his as well. "Move in with me." He repeated._

_Blair could feel a smile cracking onto her features even as she continued searching his eyes. "That's crazy Austin, we can't just move in together. I have a lease." _

_Austin rolled his eyes jokingly because they both knew money didn't matter but that wasn't exactly what he meant. "I don't mean now. I mean when we move to California. Let's get a place together. We could buy something even." _

_Eyes widening again Blair began to understand what he was saying. "What would our friends think?" She asked, stalling for time as she tried to figure out her thoughts on all of this.  
><em>

_"That it was about time." He spoke laughing slightly. He knew that all of their friends had a betting pool on when the two of them were finally going to get together and that no one had won because they all guessed too soon. "But it doesn't matter what they think anyway. The only person whose opinion matters to me, is yours." _

_Blair's lips opened ever so slightly in surprise. He was really serious. This wasn't him joking around or making grand statements. "You really want to do this don't you?" _

_Austin nodded, his thumbs rubbing over her hands. "You know that I do." _

_Shaking her head slowly Blair wasn't sure how to say what was going through her mind. She wasn't sure what words she could use to explain it when she couldn't even seem to understand it herself. "It's strange, I don't know how to phrase this." _

_Austin gazed at her reassuringly. "Just say what you're feeling, you know I'll understand." _

_Blair nodded because it was true, he always did understand. "Part of me knows that I know just about everything about you, that we're closer than I've been to just about anyone and of course that I love you. But then there's this other part of me that thinks that there is so much more I don't understand yet. This, us, is so new and a new couple would never just move in together right after they started dating. Everything's about to change, isn't it?"_

_Austin nodded, he understood what she meant. This was so new but yet they were already so close. And he knew as she did that going from being best friends to being in a relationship would change everything - they'd be stupid to think that it wouldn't. "How about this: we don't have to decide now. We take the summer and figure things out, decide where we want to go and just how fast we want to go there. How does that sound?"_

_Blair smiled. He understood her so well, he always had. "It sounds perfect."_

Hanging up the phone she quickly wiped her tears. It was hard to not think about Austin when he'd once been the only thing that anchored her. But she had to be strong, she'd done the right thing by letting him go, he deserved to be let go. Knowing that Dan was waiting on her she expertly composed herself before continuing back into the sitting room.

"What happened?" Dan asked, standing immediately as Blair walked back into the front room of his apartment.

Blair forced a smile to her face and shook her head, sending her curls bouncing. "Nothing, I'm fine."

"Waldorf…" Dan spoke leadingly, knowing she was lying, knowing she knew thst he knew she was lying.

"Humphrey." She returned just as tauntingly as they engaged in a bit of a stare down, neither one looking away. Finally when she realized they would be getting nowhere until she caved she sighed. "Fine. It was Austin on the line."

Dan tilted his head mildly confused. "Austin as in your ex-fiancé?"

Blair nodded, as she tucked her hair behind one ear. Something about crying always seemed to move her hair out of place. But she continued on, knowing that Humphrey wouldn't stop asking questions until she did. "This is the first time we've spoken since I ended things. He's been trying to contact me but I've been judiciously avoiding him."

"So you chose now, in my hallway to return one of his calls?" Dan asked, his curiosity intensifying.

Blair actually laughed at his statement as she moved further into the sitting room. "No, I was on the phone with an acquaintance and Austin beeped in. I answered without really thinking."

Dan nodded his head finally beginning to understand. "So why haven't you been answering Austin's calls?" He asked before his curiosity got the better of him and he smirked. "Or better yet why'd you break off the engagement in the first place?"

Blair looked at Dan for a moment and wondered if she was talking to Dan her friend or Dan the writer. Deciding it didn't really mattered she gave Dan a pointed look. "I think you know the answer to the second question."

Dan tilted his head. "Yes but usually when you get left for someone else you're angry, you don't keep trying to continue the relationship."

Blair sighed, knowing that what she was about to admit to Dan was likely to earn a few judgmental glances and statements but really he was much easier to confide in that Serena lately so she went ahead. "He needed closure. When I left, we'd just had a fight but he still wasn't expecting it and I get that the note I left him wasn't a good enough explanation of what I was feeling..."

"YOU LEFT HIM A NOTE?" Dan practically shouted. Blair nodded and Dan continued. "Is that just what you do? Leave notes in the middle of the night and run off. Didn't you learn anything from the last time?"

Blair scoffed, hearing the expected judgment in his voice. "Chuck didn't get a note. I wouldn't have been able to write one if I had tried."

Dan looked at her his eyes questioning. "So what, you just couldn't face him? You didn't think he deserved more than just a note saying 'bye have a nice life'?" Dan knew he was being harsh but he knew what it was like to be left by Blair Waldorf, she'd done it to all of them before, and now he couldn't help but pity the guy.

Blair shook her head feeling a surprising calmness ease through her even as Dan got more riled up. "Last time I didn't have a valid explanation for why I was leaving, not one I could explain in words and I knew that I could be convinced otherwise if I waited to talk to Chuck. If I had hesitated then, I never would have left. I was scared, immature, terrified of what people would say, and selfish to the core. So I just left."

Pausing she switched her focus to her more recent departure from California. "The difference with Austin is that leaving him was probably the most selfless thing I've ever done. He loves me with everything he has and while I love him, oh I love him, it's not the heart stopping, breathtaking, dangerously passionate love I had with Chuck. Austin deserves to have that with someone and that's never going to be me. If I was still the same person I was four years ago I wouldn't have ended things with Austin, I would have continued leaning on him, continued letting him love me even while I knew it wasn't right."

Exhaling, she had watched as Dan seemed to deflate before her, all of his earlier antagonism disappearing and she smirked sadly. "The moment I realized that I didn't love him the way he deserved, the way I love Chuck, and that I never would, I left. I wrote a note because I didn't want to give myself the opportunity to be weak and reconsider. I think he just needed closure. It's going to take some time for him to come to terms with it all. But one day he'll meet the girl that makes this all make sense and he'll understand why I left."

"Okay." Dan spoke quietly because he knew what Blair meant. There was a time when he'd been Austin. There was a time when he thought that she was the love of his life and he would have given her the world. But now when he looked at the way he felt about Steph, the way he felt about the family that they were building together he knew what Blair meant. There were different ways of loving someone and the big one, the one you never really got over only happened once while the others came and went.

Blair smiled and moved to take a seat, tired of standing after that episode. Knowing that the situation was over and done with she smiled and changed the topic. "Now that's not what we came to discuss though I'm sure it will help you out with your book as well."

Dan laughed. Blair had come over basically so that he could psychoanalyze her. He was making some revisions to the book now that she was back and he could pick her brain and observe her behavior so of course he'd had questions. He'd been trying to assess the current state of her relationship with Chuck while subtly probing at some of the more hazy details of their past. "Alright, so where were we?

Blair smiled as she leaned back on the chaise lounge that she could hardly believe was in Dan Humphrey's apartment. "Chuck still wants me to leave him alone, he wants nothing to do with me. But he also knows I'm not planning on going anywhere."

Dan exhaled as he sat down into one of the sofa's, slipping easily back into their earlier conversation. "But you said that you and Gwen got along just fine."

Blair shrugged. "I don't know that fine is the word but we're similar."

Dan nodded. He could see that. They both had that fire. "Still I can't see Gwen reacting well to you."

Blair almost laughed again. "I'm not sure how much she knows. Maybe it's not as much as we might think."

"Possibly." Dan said though still not completely satisfied. "Four years is a long time Blair. And she and Chuck have been together for almost 2 of those years maybe she's just that secure in their relationship."

Blair nodded slowly, hearing for the first time just how long Gwen and Chuck had been seeing one another. She couldn't help the bristling feeling up her spine in hearing that it had been so long. That would mean that Chuck had started seeing Gwen not long after the Hamptons. For a moment she wondered if Gwen had been the girl that she'd seen him with so long ago on the second of her trips to New York that summer, but she didn't want to think about that. "Two years is a long time." She spoke, her voice sounding distant and alien.

Dan looked at Blair appraisingly, trying to see just where her head was because he had a sense that she wasn't being completely honest with him. It was the way that her eyes began to gaze off to the side as though her mind was somewhere else entirely that he realized he was missing a piece of the puzzle, a major piece. Something had happened that he didn't know about, maybe no one knew about it. Either way he had a good guess as to when it had happened and he knew that he might just be able to catch Blair off guard. Leaning forwards in his seat he placed his elbows on his knees. "What happened two years ago Blair?"

Blair's head immediately snapped towards Dan, her eyes widening in surprise. In that second she thought she must have said something aloud that she hadn't meant to but narrowing her gaze she realized that Dan was most likely just reading her better than she'd expected. Swallowing tightly she contemplated what she wanted to say - how much she wanted to admit. "It's not important." She spoke definitively as she leaned back away from his gaze.

Dan was going to press her further, knowing that she wasn't telling the truth but the ring of his cell phone interrupted him. Seeing that it was Steph he looked at Blair. "I have to take this."

Blair nodded and rested her head in her hand as Dan left the room for a moment. Blair was simply relaxing thinking of what she would say to further deter Dan when she heard him shout excitedly as he ran back into the room. "What is it?" She asked half standing, all alertness returning to her.

Dan was pacing, with a silly grin on his face. "Steph was at the office and her water broke. The baby's coming, quickly. I have to get to the hospital."

Blair's eyes widened in surprise, but she kept calm because she knew one of them had to. "Okay, where's the hospital bag?"

"The what?" Dan asked, completely scattered as he pulled on his jacket.

Blair laughed aloud as she looked at Dan, so frazzled and excited that he couldn't even properly function. "Oh Humphrey. I'll find the bag, you take off that silly jacket, it's a hundred degrees out there, and put on some shoes. I will not be seen in Manhattan with a barefoot gentleman even if your wife is having a baby."

Dan tilted his head as he slowed, beginning to take in Blair's words. He took off his jacket and slung on his shoes but was still confused about what Blair was doing. As she reentered the room, carrying a large duffle, he knew the confusion must be apparent in his face because she spoke.

"Oh please Humphrey, I'm going with you." Taking his arm she dragged him out the door, talking again as they stepped into the elevator. "Like hell I'm going to miss this."

* * *

><p>Chuck smiled at Gwen as she lay next to him in bed. "That was some welcome home." Chuck spoke, rolling onto his side. He'd come home to find her in the living room wearing a robe and nothing else. That was a little over an hour ago.<p>

Gwen turned her head to face Chuck, wearing a smile of her own. "We've both been busy lately, we deserved it."

Chuck smirked devilishly as he took in her hair spread across the pillow and the sheet loosely draped over her body. "We're not busy tonight are we? Not that I didn't enjoy this of course, I simply thought I'd cleared my schedule to spend the evening with you."

Reaching over Gwen placed a hand on his face. "You know I met your friend Blair the other day." Her eyes were commanding as she met his gaze, she needed to know his reaction. They hadn't talked about Blair after she'd shown up. In truth it had slipped Gwen's mind during the precious few moments she'd had with Chuck lately. Summer always seemed to be the busiest time of year in their businesses and she was still adjusting to the workload that came with being named CEO.

Chuck exhaled, rolling back onto his back. It hadn't been what he was expecting Gwen to say but at the same time he couldn't be surprised. He hadn't mentioned Blair yet, waiting on her to bring it up, he just hadn't thought that it would be right now. "I'm sorry. I should have told you that she's back in town." Shaking his head he turned his head to look at her. "At least then you would have had a bit of warning."

Gwen shrugged as she turned, pushing herself up on her elbow. "It was fine." She spoke reassuringly.

Chuck shook his head, sighing in a way that almost constituted a groan. "I know how Blair can get. Not the easiest person in the world to deal with by any means."

Gwen could tell that he still wasn't getting it. In a comforting gesture she rested her hand on is chest. "I can handle myself." She said calmly. "As for Blair, I liked her."

Furrowing his brow, Chuck couldn't help but wonder what exactly that conversation had entailed. Both women had now told them that they liked the other while neither woman did that easily, nor did either pretend to; which could only mean that they had actually gotten along. It was unsettling to say the least. "She doesn't seem to be leaving any time soon."

Gwen lifted one shoulder slightly. "I don't mind."

Chuck wanted quip back that he did mind but he didn't know how without explaining why and he wasn't ready to go there; he might never be. The last thing he wanted was for Gwen to start doubting his feelings for her and opening up about Blair now would cause that. His past with Blair would intimidate anyone he was in love with and he couldn't lose Gwen, not because of that. Before he could consider what to say next, she chimed in once more.

"Naturally you're going to want to see her and I want that for you." Chuck's head snapped towards Gwen and she smiled because she knew he was surprised at how mature she was being. Generally, she was the jealous type. Usually she didn't mind other girls being around because it meant she got to tear them down if they made a play for Chuck. No girl held a candle to her when it came to Chuck; but she wasn't deluded enough to think that Blair wasn't different than all those other girls. She was the first that he loved and she'd hurt him when she left. Blair could be dangerous to her but Blair was also his closest childhood friend, she wouldn't risk violating that and eventually alienating Chuck. However, she knew that she was basically guaranteeing to Chuck that she wouldn't do to Blair what she did with all the other girls who dared come close. "I know how important her friendship was before everything else and I would never want to ruin that. Hopefully, now you two will be able to reconnect."

Chuck was floored. He knew his mouth must be open in abject shock because in that moment it was the only emotion he could recognize. Gwen was actually encouraging him to spend time with Blair. He'd been counting on her jealous streak to help him avoid Blair, to keep him as far away from her as possible and yet right now she was lying there telling him to 'reconnect' with Blair. "Wow...that's just...wow." He said again, unable to form coherent words.

Gwen smiled brightly as a brightness warmed her. As selfish as she was, she did like to do the right thing when it came to Chuck and she couldn't help but feel good about what she was doing.

Swallowing tightly, Chuck finally was able to get a grip on himself enough to attempt to change the subject. As he did he tried to initiate Gwen's more jealous tendencies with not so subtle word usage, though he did so with a playful tone. "Now tell me, why the hell are we talking about my exes in bed?" He couldn't help but think that really the word should be singular; Raina and Eva hardly counted as exes.

Gwen smiled again as she brought her body closer to his, she could tell that he was hinting that he was ready for another round, but before they began she knew she had to answer his actual question because after all there had been a point to this conversation. "Blair called this afternoon while I was here. She was wondering if you could meet her for dinner tonight and I told her that I was totally fine with it."

Chuck, who'd been leaning in to place a kiss along Gwen's neck felt his body tighten once more. His thoughts were racing through his brain. He wanted to scream, he wanted to throw things, he wanted to hire someone to make sure Blair left New York and didn't come back; but his shock overrode all of those potential actions and left him feeling paralyzed.

Gwen smirked, running her hand down his chest. "Don't be so surprised. I'm a woman of my word. Like I said, I want you to have your friend back in your life."

All Chuck wanted was to tell her that he had no interest in having Blair back in his life, that he didn't, and wouldn't, be going to dinner with her. But Chuck couldn't do any of that. In order to spurn Blair in Gwen's presence he would have to give her a reason and Chuck had one hundred reasons, any of which would remove Gwen's blessing to see Blair, but none of which could he tell her without ruining everything. So instead he forced his mouth to form words he didn't mean. "Thank you."

* * *

><p>Blair couldn't wipe the smile off her face as she watched Dan with his new baby girl, Rosaleigh Astoria Humphrey. Steph had been fabulous as any Astor woman would be expected to be; Blair could only hope that she might one day be so strong. Watching the three of them all she saw was absolute perfection until the image suddenly darkened for her.<p>

Like the flipping of a switch, the awe she was feeling turned into envy and her vision blurred ever so slightly. The painful sting of sadness was almost crippling as it tainted the image before her. She should have had that. Swallowing back tears she forced back the ounce of resentment she felt with it. This was their moment, who was she to make it about her.

Ashamed and a little embarrassed at the emotions she'd been unable to control, Blair excused herself and walked outside. The new family deserved time to themselves, especially if she couldn't get a grip on what she was feeling. _It's the past Blair, you can't let what happened then continue to haunt you._ Though as she thought those words, memories she'd wished she could forget began to slip into her subconscious.

_Blair's fingers trembled as she opened the envelope. It had come with the rest of the royal mail in port earlier that day, but she'd hidden it away until she could steal a moment to herself. Part of her knew the charade she'd kept up the last few weeks was pointless, her heart already knew even if it had yet to be substantiated with proof. _

_Placing a hand on her stomach, Blair looked around her quarters on the ship her eyes resting on a photograph of her and Louis the night he had proposed. With shaking hands she pulled the paper from the envelope, unfolding it and searching for what she was looking for, braced for the truth. What she saw was not a surprise, what she felt, on the other hand, was a complete shock to her system._

_She could hardly breathe as she tried to assess what she was feeling, it didn't make any sense, why did she feel like this? Laying the results of the test on her dresser she walked out of her cabin, taking the stairs up to the main deck careful to hold onto the rails as she climbed. The salt air seemed to soothe her as she breathed it in, telling her that right now this was where she needed to be, this is where she'd be able to think. _

_Continuing her walk around the deck she made her way to the starboard side of the boat she held to the rails leaning back as the wind blew her hair from her face. She pulled her wrap more tightly around her, surprised by the chill in the night air. They were traveling to St. Petersburg because Louis had decided he wanted to show her the white nights but it was still May and the sky was still rather dark, the air still cool. She didn't mind though, it felt good. Inhaling deeply she felt as if the sea air was washing through her, allowing her to sort through what she was feeling._

_All along she'd known what the test would say so she'd spent all of her time working out what she was going to do, what she was going to say so that she and Louis could still move forward. She'd even contemplated the possibility of offering to have it taken care of; anything to keep him and the life they were building. But when she'd seen the results she'd been shocked by the sudden feeling of relief. There was an instant feeling of freedom that had scared her, until now she hadn't realized that this wasn't what she had wanted for herself. _

_Smiling to herself, Blair knew she now had a whole new set of problems to work through but she felt strong because she knew it was right. Releasing her hold on the railing she prepared to turn but the next thing she knew she was falling forwards towards, the water rushing towards her, barely managing a scream. _

_She felt the air leaving her body as she hit the water with a sharp jolt. Surprised at the chill she felt, she froze for a moment, but it wasn't long before her survival instinct kicked in and she started to scream as she swam towards the boat.  
><em>

_"Help!" Blair shouted repeatedly as swam for the boat. She knew that she needed to reach the back of the boat where the boarding steps were located, it would be difficult but if she reached them she could pull herself up. Exhaustion started to overtake her as she struggled to keep up with the fast moving boat. She was losing ground and it was taking all she had to angle her strokes through the wake of the boat to get where she needed to be. _

_Relief washed through her as she felt her hand close on the dock but she knew it wasn't over as the waves from the boats movement continued to beat her tired body. Slinging an arm onto the dock she felt her hand grasp the railing for the steps and used the hand on the edge to help her launch herself. Screaming at the effort she felt herself clawing her way up the dock._

_Breathing heavily she paused on her hands and knees, for the first time realizing that she'd been pushed. However just as that thought came to her mind she was rocked by a crippling pain. Screaming for help she forced her body to move dragging herself up the stairs._

_"BLAIR!" Louis shouted as he reached her. He'd almost been asleep when he heard the shout before the repeated screaming, he'd just now reached her, quelling the fear that had been racing through him since the moment his brain realized that the screams were hers. Pulling her into his arms he held her tightly. "Dear you're shaking with the cold, it's going to be okay now, we will get you inside." _

_Blair let out another blood curdling scream as her nails dug into Louis arm, pain rippling though her body. _

_Louis was overwhelmed at what was going on. Relief that she was safe and in his arms, confusion at her screams, and fear at the look of pain on her face. Lifting her writhing body he shouted to those above them on the dock who'd come outside at the noise. "Someone get a doctor, something's wrong." He didn't even see the blood on the dock._

_"What's wrong with her?" Louis asked as he laid her down on her bed, the doctor coming close behind to examine her. "She fell in the water, I think, but she was on the back dock when I reached her, I don't know why she's screaming." _

_The doctor worked quickly even as Blair continued to jerk with pain, her eyes clenching together as she tried not to scream. "She's miscarrying." The doctor spoke as he saw the blood spreading across her thighs even through the soaked material of her nightgown. _

_Louis staggered backwards. "You're pregnant." He asked, looking at Blair as she seemed to calm. _

_Blair's body relaxed giving Louis a sad nod, she could feel that the worst of it was over. She knew the doctor was talking; but she didn't care what he said. She'd known the moment the pain had begun what was happening and she knew that it was done, she felt empty. "I was." She said interrupting the doctor as she allowed one tear to fall down her cheek. _

_The anguish on Louis's face was too much for her to handle. Pushing herself to a sitting position, she ignored the doctor who was telling her to lay down and rest though she did allow him to wrap a blanket around her. Looking around the room her heart clenched as she noticed the empty dresser, the results were gone. Shaking her head, she pushed it from her mind, it didn't matter. "We need to talk." She spoke as she looked up at Louis before shooting the doctor a glare that said it was time for him to go. "You can come back later and do whatever you need." She spoke as she dismissed him._

_"Oh Blair." He spoke, obviously heartbroken. He took her hand in his, concern and grief flooding his system. "What were you doing leaning over the railing? If I'd lost you . . ." _

_The pieces clicked together in her mind as she patted a spot next to her on the bed for Louis to sit. Meeting his gaze she spoke with certainty. "I didn't fall...I was pushed." Immediately she saw that he wanted to say something, he was clearly shocked. "And I know why." She said exhaling. _

_Louis's brown furrowed but she could tell he was going to listen to whatever she had to say, he was so trusting. "There's something I have to tell you about the baby." Forcing herself to continue to look into Louis's eyes she pursed her lips. "It wasn't yours." _

_Blair felt Louis flinch, just as she expected him to do. She gave him credit for not withdrawing his hand from hers. "Chuck's?" He asked. _

_Blair nodded slowly. "Yes. He and I were together right after our engagement." _

_Swallowing, Louis looked down at their hands, his thoughts racing until he settled. "Okay." He spoke, his voice calm as he looked up at her. "You are certain it was his?" _

_Once more Blair nodded. "I received the test results today." _

_Squeezing her hand lightly, Louis felt strangely at peace though he wasn't entirely sure what was coming of this. "What does that have to do with someone...pushing you?"_

_"The test is gone." Blair said inclining her head towards where the test should have been on the dresser. "Whoever found it was probably pretty angry." _

_Louis was about to tell her it wasn't possible, that no one on staff would have pushed her overboard no matter what that found when he realized it wasn't someone on staff. "Beatrice." He spoke, voice low. He knew just as he'd always had once one of Beatrice's schemes was revealed. This time though he was certain, as he'd been the one to ask her to check on Blair, knowing that she'd seemed upset today. _

_Blair shrugged. "It doesn't matter." She spoke taking hold of his hand comfortingly as he'd begun to pull away. _

_"It damn well does matter." Louis shouted voice rising. "She pushed you over the side of the boat, you lost the baby, and you could have been killed!" _

_Blair shook her head as she placed a hand on his check. "I am so sorry." Removing her hand she reached down and took off the engagement ring before placing it in his hand. "It's time for me to go home." _

Exhaling, Blair unconsciously felt her hand slide to her stomach as it sometimes did when she remembered. Beatrice had been found in the corner of her own bedroom, crying as she clutched the paper in her hand muttering over and over, _'what have I done?'_ She'd pushed Blair overboard in a fit of blind rage at discovering the test results and it was clear that she wasn't anywhere near stable. Part of Blair hated Beatrice for what she'd done but a larger part hated herself, it was her own fault for not following her heart.

Breathing, she walked towards the hospital exit, exhaling as she passed through the atrium where Chuck had once proposed before Dan had slammed his fist into his face. Every part of this city was coated with memories of them, it's why even when Chuck wasn't in town she'd stayed away. Now it was something she relished. In moments like this, even unhappy memories served to comfort her when they were memories of Chuck.

Almost as though she'd summoned it, her cell phone began to vibrate in her purse. Making sure to glance at the caller id this time she wasn't entirely shocked to see who it was. "Hello Chuck." She spoke, a smile brimming on the edges of her voice.

Chuck frowned on the other end of the line at the little jump he'd felt in his chest. Certain that it was simply anxiety at why he was calling, he pushed the feeling away. "What were you thinking, calling Gwen and involving her in this game of ours?" He spat into the phone.

Blair almost laughed, but she maintained her composure feeling a twinge of satisfaction at the word 'ours'. "This isn't a game." Blair spoke immediately to which he scoffed, but she continued as though he hadn't. "Though if it were, you're the one responsible for involving her. I can't control what pieces you choose to put in play and I reserve the right to move those pieces as I choose. Hypothetically speaking of course because as I said, this isn't a game."

Chuck still hadn't responded so Blair spoke again, her tone one of feigned innocence. "Furthermore, I called your suite, I can't control the fact that she's the one that answered."

At that Chuck almost growled. "You knew I'd be at the office. And even if you didn't, had you been trying to contact me you would have just called my cell."

Blair grinned though he couldn't see it. She of course had known he'd be at the office and what he didn't know was that she'd known for certain Gwen wouldn't be. They'd run into each other shopping a few days before and had discussed that Gwen didn't work Fridays choosing instead to devote that day to her philanthropy projects. That she'd been at Chuck's had been pure luck. "I didn't know she'd be there. She's a CEO too, I assumed she'd be working. I was just going to leave a message."

Chuck could hear in her voice that she was stretching the truth but it wasn't like there was anything he could do about it. "Still, you had no business involving Gwen in this mess between us."

Blair laughed gently at Chuck's obvious ire. "So I guess this is you calling to say no." What he said next was an intelligible grumble and then she knew. Laughing aloud this time she had to cover her mouth to keep from making an unladylike sound into the phone. "Oh my God, this is you saying yes."

"Not because I want to." Chuck spoke, still grumbling.

Blair shook her head, not even realizing quite how masterfully she'd played this until now. She'd thought Chuck might feel guilty and come but now she realized that it was more than that. "You couldn't tell Gwen you didn't want to see me without explaining why and we wouldn't want poor Gwen getting suspicious would we?"

Chuck could hear the self-satisfaction in her voice and he wanted nothing more than to tell her to go to hell but he couldn't because he knew she was right. He was trapped. He couldn't have said no to the dinner that Gwen had so encouraged - wanting him to rekindle his friendship with Blair - without giving her a reason to be suspicious of their relationship and finding out things he wasn't ready for her to know. "Shut up Blair. I'm meeting you for dinner, isn't that enough?"

Blair calmed instantly, he was right, game or no game, she'd won this round. "Certainly. Let's do Arabella's on 32nd and Madison at 8:30."

As she hung up the phone, she once more couldn't wipe the smile off her face, noting that even arguing with Chuck had the ability to make her happier than anything else.

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><p>Okay so as you can see this chapter was rather Blair heavy and before the questions come about why there are so many Blair flashbacks and not a lot of Chuck ones. It's more to set the scene for the next few chapters. Before I can tell you what happened in the Hamptons there's a lot you need to know about Blair whereas most of my Chuck flashbacks come from after the Hamptons. So anyway, hope you enjoyed!<p>

Reviews are always appreciated!  
>xoxo<br>kate


	7. Reasons to Be Angry At Yourself

Time for some significant Chuck/Blair interaction Hope you all enjoy.

Thanks to my fantastic reviewers: **Sw33theart21, bfan, Rf, Stella296, wrighthangal, Elise, Iz, Reviewforleyton, LitPrincess2787, CarolinaGirl21, mathildaas, LovelyLydia, SouthernBelle88, and GGfanficfan09.**

To my beta **ggff-fan**, I don't know what I'd do without you!

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><p>Chapter 6: Reasons To Be Angry At Yourself<p>

Chuck walked into the 20s themed restaurant on 32nd purposefully late. He knew that she had probably been early and of course he'd done it to spite her; which had in turn only served to further anger him. He shouldn't care whether or not he agitated her and yet for some reason he did. These thoughts were warring back in forth in his head as he wove his way through the restaurant. Years may have passed and feelings may have changed - _definitely_ had changed - but it didn't change just how well he knew her; she'd have requested the booth furthest in the back, she believed in privacy for any potentially messy conversations and this would qualify.

When he saw her he was caught off guard. She wasn't overly dressed up, she still looked put together but she wasn't trying to seduce him, she was simply Blair and strangely that put him at ease. He'd been expecting to walk in to find her dressed not provocatively to the naked eye, just provocative to him - hair up, bare neck, low back, thigh highs that he couldn't see but knew were there, and probably purple or red. And he knew that she could have done it because she knew him well enough to know his tells, but she hadn't. Instead she was wearing a teal dress, tan blazer, and metallic pumps.

The second thing that distracted him was the fact that she didn't seem to be staring at the door or for that matter at her cell phone. Rather she was gazing at the wall decoration above their booth, some kind of newspaper from the 20s. He smiled, they'd both always had a thing for the roaring 20s, prohibition, exhibition, glamour, and excess it was the time that they would have fit in more than any other.

Still standing there he noted that one of her hands was twisting the ring on her other, he hadn't realized that was something she still did. It meant that she was nervous, something else that seemed to calm him - good he wasn't the only one. Now in a much more relaxed state of mind, Chuck walked closer until he was standing at the edge of the booth where he paused for a minute, still watching.

Blair could sense his presence as he neared her but she didn't turn until he was standing by her shoulder. Looking up at him she gave a wry smile. "You came."

"I said I would." Chuck spoke curious as to the tone in her voice. It actually sounded as though she hadn't expected him.

Blair nodded once before looking back to the newspaper wall she'd been examining while she waited for him. "It's an article about the bar Vanessa was trying to save, the one you secretly bought."

Chuck's eyebrows rose. "I wasn't aware you knew about that." After his father had shut down his idea for Bass Industries to buy the property Chuck had used his own savings to do it without his father realizing it. He'd never discussed it again with any of his friends, including Blair.

Turning back to face Chuck she lifted an eyebrow of her own as if to say 'I know everything,' but it wasn't what she meant, not really at least. "I didn't for a long time, then after your Prohibition Party at the Empire, I was talking to Horace and he mentioned it."

"And you didn't say anything?" Chuck asked curiously. That wasn't really like the Blair he knew; but as he looked at her now he couldn't help but think that maybe Blair was more complex than even he had realized. There was a time when he'd known her better than anyone, maybe better than she knew herself; but now he was seeing another layer of complexity that maybe neither of them had realized was there.

Blair shrugged. "You wanted something for yourself, something that was just yours. I understood that well enough to know that telling you I knew would be taking that something away from you."

Chuck humphed lightly as he shook his head. "You always were smarter than anyone gave you credit for, including me."

Looking up at Chuck, still standing beside her at the table Blair came to a decision she hadn't been meaning to make. "You don't have to stay." Chuck looked at her in surprise but she didn't give him time to speak. "You were right, I used false pretenses and schemes to bring you here and I shouldn't have."

Chuck's brow furrowed as he observed her, sitting there so completely unassuming. It was almost unnerving the way she could be so still except for her hands which were still turning the ring on her finger; but soon even that slowed and she was simply gazing at him. "I'll stay."

Shrugging Blair gave a half smile, she knew better than to think that he might actually want to talk to her. "If it's about Gwen don't worry, if she says something to me about it, I'll tell her we had a great time catching up. You have my word."

Chuck believed her and it almost scared him enough to make him turn and walk out but instead he chose to stand by what he'd said earlier. Smirking carefully, he slid into the booth. "I apologize for being late; I hope your wait wasn't too unpleasant."

Blair suppressed a smile at how easily it all seemed to come back. "Did you get caught up at work?"

Chuck shook his head, a smirk still lining his features as he looked over the menu. "No, I told Arthur to take a couple laps around the block." He looked up almost coyly with his next words. "I was trying to agitate you."

"Oh." Blair said surprised - surprised but not angry. Then she actually laughed aloud before leaning her head back against the seat rest.

Hearing her laugh, seeing that light in Blair's eyes Chuck couldn't help the smile that lit his own face. "You surprised me tonight."

Blair quirked an eyebrow. "How so?"

Chuck shrugged slightly, unsure of how to voice what he had been thinking earlier. This was uncharted territory for both of them and though he knew it was necessary to tread lightly he had the sense that he didn't really want to. "Your complete lack of presumptions." He didn't have to look at Blair to know that she'd quirked her other eyebrow but he did. "You weren't what I was expecting. I was expecting the games." He could see that she was getting it but since she hadn't really said anything he continued. "For one thing I was expecting something a bit different in the way of attire."

Blair laughed again, this time a little more controlled. "So you don't like my dress?"

Chuck shook his head backtracking quickly. "That wasn't what I was saying, you look perfect, you just don't look like you're trying to seduce me. You're wearing a jacket, your hair's down, and you don't even have stockings on."

Blair knew precisely what Chuck was saying because the old Blair would have done just as he'd described. He'd expected her to come dressed as though she had every intention of luring him back to her bed. Leaning forward, she mock whispered. "The dress even has sleeves."

Chuck actually laughed at Blair's words; she just kept surprising him tonight. "No, you're not as I expected at all."

"I've been trying to tell you that since I returned. I'm not the same scared little girl I used to be, I don't need the schemes to handle life like I used to." Blair spoke, knowing she risked scaring Chuck off. Looking back at him she almost expected him to be looking towards the door, but he wasn't, he was still there. "Sometimes when I'm scared though I fall back on the schemes. Like I said earlier, I did it today and I shouldn't have."

Chuck was hearing Blair's words, he let himself hear them, but he didn't respond. Instead he gave a simple nod because he knew that she'd get it and when she gave him a small smile he knew she did. "So why'd you want to talk?" He asked, his voice calm.

Blair rolled her lips once as she met Chuck's gaze. He seemed so sincere that it almost made her forget everything just for that moment. "I won't lie to you, you know why I came back." For a moment she saw the doubt that slipped into Chuck's eyes. She knew that the line she was walking was as narrow as it could get and her balance must be wavering.

Inhaling deeply she closed her eyes for a moment, she'd been waiting for this conversation for forever, she wouldn't screw it up, as nervous as she was she knew what she wanted to say. "But that's not why I'm here tonight. I miss knowing you. I miss knowing what you're thinking when I look into your eyes. And I know I lost that right a long time ago but I want to know you again Chuck and I want you to know me."

Chuck sighed slightly looking away for a moment. He'd felt the tight clenching of his chest at her words and yet here he still sat in front of her. He'd been so careful to build the walls back up, specifically made so that Blair couldn't get past them but right now he felt as though he could maybe crack a window and let a little bit of light in.

"You were my best friend before everything else; you're the only one who saw me like I was really there. I know you don't see me anymore but I still wish you did." Blair spoke as honestly as she could.

Chuck's lips had opened slightly though he wasn't sure just what he was going to say. He was watching Blair carefully in that moment, waiting to see what she'd say or do to maneuver herself into a defensive position but she didn't. Blair simply sat still looking at him before dropping her gaze to her hands before bringing it back to him again. When the waiter arrived, Chuck was surprised to note that he was interrupting some kind of moment they were having.

Blair wasn't entirely sure what to do. It felt as though things were in complete limbo. She was opening her mouth about to place her order when Chuck cut her off. "And the lady will be having the Seasonal Greens as her appetizer with the Ahi Tuna with the lighter sauce as her entre. As well as the Scallop appetizer and a bottle of '97 Dom for the table. "

Blair's mouth slipped open as the waiter nodded and turned to leave. Not only had Chuck ordered for her - they used to always order each for each other, it was like a game for them - but he had ordered the exact items from the menu she'd planned to order herself.

Chuck looked at Blair an unwitting smirk sliding onto his face. He hadn't meant to do that, in the slightest. In fact that had been as big a surprise to him as it was to her but he still couldn't help the satisfaction he felt knowing that he'd been right. "I think I still do." He spoke, his voice quiet.

"Do what?" Blair asked taken aback.

"See you." Chuck said as he leaned forward, his elbows resting on the table as he met Blair's gaze. "Even when I try not to." He could feel himself being brutally honest and yet he allowed it, just as she had.

Blair resisted the urge to allow her mouth to fall back open in shock. Instead she smiled with her eyes and gave her head a slight shake. "And you thought I was unexpected."

At that Chuck laughed and the strange spell that for one moment had fallen between them was broken. But still he was left with the sensation that maybe Blair was right, not about everything of course, he still loved Gwen; but maybe she was right that their friendship could be salvaged.

* * *

><p>"They've just gotten their main course." The man said into his phone as he watched the couple across the room. She was touting her fork at something he'd just said but he was relaxed, simply allowing her to do so.<p>

_And they've been perfectly civil?_

The man nodded even though the caller couldn't see him. "Yes. They look like two friends having dinner. From here I wouldn't even have guessed that they used to be lovers."

_Good._

This time the man shook his head. The couple was sitting there eating and it was strange because as long as he had watched them - Chuck for half of his life and Blair for almost ten years - he'd rarely seen them act like this, so friendly and so devoid of any apparent sexual tension. It might be there, but if it was he couldn't see it. It wasn't normal for them, years ago when they'd been together anyone in the room could feel their heat. "I was surprised you called." He spoke into the phone almost distractedly. "Do you want to tell me why?"

_That's not important. I was offered your services; now just do as I ask._

"Of course." He responded quickly, hearing the bristly tone of the caller's voice. "I'll give you an update after desert." With that he hung up the phone and went back to observing his target. Yes, this was a strange situation, very strange.

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><p>"Look at us, being civil." Blair spoke with a smile on her face as the deserts were placed in front of them.<p>

Chuck laughed lightly before meeting her gaze directly. She was right, it had actually been a pleasant dinner which is pretty much the last thing he expected but then again nothing tonight had been what he'd expected. They'd talked a bit about school, Bass Industries, some of her friends in California and one of his new deals. "Who'd have thought it was possible?" He said grinning. "You know when you came into town all I wanted was for you to leave but maybe one day we can be friends again."

Blair's heart had begun to beat quickly for reasons she wasn't sure of until Chuck said the words he'd apparently been working towards for the last few minutes. When he did she knew she must have sensed what he was building towards and reacted accordingly. In that moment she knew she should just smile and nod, she should be grateful, he was saying that he'd let her back in; but a part of her knew it would be too late. An even bigger part of her refused to lie about the way she felt. "I want to be more than your friend Chuck." She spoke slowly with a weary smile on her face.

Chuck's eyebrows rose, then narrowed as he observed Blair and heard the words she was saying. For a minute he'd forgotten. He wasn't certain what his response was going to be as he looked up at her but as he did she looked down at her lap where her cell phone could be heard vibrating.

Blair broke Chuck's gaze, almost grateful for the interruption. She smiled as she looked at the message before looking back up at Chuck. "I'm sorry, Dan just sent me another picture."

"Picture of what?" Chuck asked, curiosity breaking his earlier train of thought. He knew that Dan and Blair had remained close friends but she'd spoken as though he should know what she was referring to.

Tilting her head, Blair looked at Chuck in surprise. "Steph had the baby today, Rosaleigh Astoria Humphrey. She was fantastic of course; made the whole thing look like a breeze."

Chuck grinned. "Typical Astor."

At that Blair laughed aloud because in all honesty it was true. The Astor's seemed to be even more blessed than the Van der Woodsen's when it came to being life's golden boys and girls. "Here." She said passing her phone to him, to see a photo of the three. "There are several if you want to flip through."

Chuck smiled softly as he looked at the photo. The little girl looked like Stephanie, thank God. Thumbing through the other photos on Blair's phone he was surprised to see the one of Blair holding the baby. "You were there?" He asked, curiously.

Blair nodded. "Yeah, I was with Dan when he got the call and he was such a mess I didn't feel like I could abandon him." She couldn't help but remember how she'd felt afterwards though - but she'd promised herself she'd stop that so she tried to shake it off.

Chuck looked at Blair noticing her flinch but as he did he realized that she might be even stronger than he knew. He wasn't an idiot; he knew that it still hurt for her because it still hurt for him. But that pain brought back a flood of memories that he didn't want to think about. Things had been going too well tonight to let the past wreak havoc on his emotions. "I'm sure he appreciated you being there. I can't believe he didn't tell me." He spoke, trying to laugh it off.

"I was the designated photographer. They're perfect." Blair spoke as she tried to smile, but she couldn't push back the pain. Looking away once more towards the newspaper she'd been reading when Chuck had arrived, Blair spoke words she would only ever say to Chuck. "I was jealous. Their little family was perfection and they were so happy and for a moment I thought I was going to fall apart. I wanted to have what they have."

Chuck swallowed as he felt the fist that had clasped his heart when he saw her flinch earlier squeeze tightly. _He'd wanted it too._ But that wasn't what he said. "You'll have that one day."

Pressing her lips together Blair nodded, unable to control her next words. "Are you and Gwen thinking about kids?"

Chuck was taken aback. He'd been trying to tell Blair since she'd returned how serious things were with Gwen but he hadn't really thought she'd been listening. He had known from their conversation a week ago that she realized that he loved Gwen but her statement certainly sounded like she knew a lot more than that.

Blair noted Chuck's loss for words and spoke in explanation. "Gwen thought you were going to propose when you picked her up from the airport."

"I was." Chuck spoke eyes wide, voice low.

Blair lifted her shoulder in a light shrug, unable to break Chuck's gaze. "What stopped you?"

Chuck exhaled loudly as his head shook. He should have realized this was coming; dinner had been the calm before the storm. "I don't know Blair, I've been confused."

"Because of me?" She asked eyebrows lifted. She was genuinely wondering. She didn't understand where Chuck's head was, it seemed that he was saying and doing two completely different things.

Still trying to hold on to the easy calm conversation of dinner, Chuck struggled to maintain his cool. He'd just been telling her that he thought that they could be friends, friends confided in each other, right? And maybe talking to Blair could help. Tentatively he spoke. "Yes . . . but not for the reason you might think." Blair's eyes told him to continue so he did. "You showing up here brought back a lot of things that I've been working really hard to move past, commitment issues being at the top of that list. It's been difficult for me to trust again."

Blair nodded slowly, after what she'd done it was no wonder he had difficulties trusting people. The way she left him . . . She couldn't even complete that thought, it hurt too much.

Chuck shook his head. "Maybe we shouldn't be doing this, any of it."

"Chuck. . . " Blair began, wanting to reach out and take his hand. She wanted to comfort him but she didn't know how. She'd made this mess, she'd been the one to cause him pain. "I'm so sorry."

Chuck looked at her, that was the first time she'd said it that he actually heard remorse in her voice. Each time before there'd been this overarching tone of sarcasm or maybe it was disbelief. But right now he didn't know how to respond so this time he looked away.

Blair sighed as she took one last look at the picture before slipping it back into her purse. "You know, I always thought we'd be the first. We certainly took off running out of the gate."

_**On the first page of our story**_

Chuck was still looking at the wall when he heard Blair's words and it took him a moment to really grasp what she was saying. The floodgate had been let loose on the memories now and he was feeling himself start to drown but her words penetrated that. All the emotion he'd been feeling bubbled to the surface as his head snapped to look at her. "To have kids?" He asked, not bothering to hide the emotions in his voice.

_**The future seemed so bright**_

"To have all of it." Blair spoke meeting Chuck's gaze directly before giving a half shrug. "And now you're going to have it with someone else."

Blair knew what was happening before it did. The switch had been wavering for a few minutes and she knew the second it flipped. The color of his eyes changed; the warm golden brown, darkened.

_**Then this thing turned out so evil**_

The unidentified emotions that had been bubbling below the surface erupted and just like that the emotion had a name, anger and it was accompanied by its friends - fury and pain. "You moved on first." Chuck spoke his voice carrying the weight of every vindictive emotion he was feeling. "I was just following your lead."

_**I don't know why I'm still surprised**_

Blair was too shocked to speak and he knew it, so Chuck chose to deliver one more crippling blow. "How is Austin by the way? I noticed your lack of engagement ring, is that only for my benefit? Let me guess you came back for round three?" He finished with a taunting smirk.

_**Even angels have their wicked schemes**_

Blair's head snapped backwards in surprise. She'd known he was about to lash out, she'd sensed it; but this wasn't what she was expecting. "How . . .?" She asked, mind searching for the moment that he might have known, who might have told, had she let it slip? And round 3? What was he talking about?

_**But you take that to new extremes**_

Chuck glared and shook his head; Blair was smarter than that. "I told you I'd follow you." He spoke recalling words he'd yelled the last time he'd seen her as she walked away from him on the tarmac.

_**But you'll always be my hero**_

"You knew where I was all along?" She asked as her heart began to pound. Chuck knew everything. She could see it in his eyes. He knew about Duke, Stanford, Austin, their engagement; yet at the same time he knew nothing. How could he have known where she was and not done anything?

"Of course." Chuck said with a shrug as if it were the most natural thing in the word.

_**Even though you've lost your mind**_

Eyes wide Blair thought back to those months after she left the Hamptons, months that she spent avoiding Austin and hoping that Chuck would show up on his white horse and proclaim his never-ending love. "Why didn't you do something about it?" She asked completely taken back.

_**Just gonna stand there and watch me burn**_

Chuck shook his head, a sneer appearing on his face. "I didn't want to rush you." He spat before laughing darkly. "I didn't want you to feel pressured. I . . . I was a fool." Blair looked like she wanted to say something, like she could see the pain in his eyes, but Chuck shook his head. "Just don't. I thought that what I'd been waiting for - _for two years_ - was that week in the Hamptons. When you left, I was done."

_**But that's all right because I like the way it hurts**_

Blair shook her head feeling herself begin to panic. This wasn't fair; he couldn't just make these statements like it was all her fault. "You wanted me to just come home and go back to how things were when nothing had changed."

"EVERYTHING HAD CHANGED." Chuck practically shouted. "It wasn't the same circumstances anymore. We weren't still rebounding from that mess with Louis."

_**Just gonna stand there and hear me cry**_

"That mess, was our child." Blair said, her eyes narrowing in contempt for the way Chuck was speaking. She might have been the one to ruin things but he had no right to talk to her like that.

Eyes blazing Chuck gripped the table tightly in his hands. "That's not what I meant and you know it." After a moment of silent glaring he spoke again. "And you were already with someone else."

_**But that's all right because I love the way you lie**_

Blair's jaw tightened as she spat her next words with sarcasm. "Like you weren't sleeping around."

"I wasn't." Chuck spoke. To an outsider his voice would have sounded perfectly calm but he knew that Blair could hear the fury lying behind each of his words. "I thought you'd come back. I thought the Hamptons was it. When you left it destroyed me."

_**I love the way you lie**_

Blair heard every ounce of anger barely concealed in Chuck's voice; this was when he scared her the most, when he was so angry that he looked completely at ease. Shaking her head, she let her own voice fill with emotions. "If you had come I would have . . ."

_**Now there's gravel in our voices**_

Chuck shook his head interrupting. "Don't lie now Blair, don't act like you weren't the one who left."

"Don't act like I didn't have a reason to." Blair hissed, knowing she was beginning to lose her cool.

_**Glass is shattered from the fight**_

Nostrils flaring, Chuck felt as though his words were like angry flames leaping from him and catching anything they could hit aflame. "You can't change history now. We both know why you left." Chuck's voice had begun to shake as he recalled that moment in the Hamptons when she was leaving him again. The moment he confronted her with his worst fears - that she'd done it all for revenge. "I've always wondered, was that what the Hamptons were about too or was that some kind of relapse for you - like a quarter life crisis?"

_**In this tug of war, you always win**_

Blair's whole body was shaking subtly as she tried to force away the memories of Chuck and the Hamptons. What had happened there was like a beacon of light breaking through everything else. She'd forced herself to leave, she had to see it through. So she'd said things to make it easier on him. She hadn't realized until it was too late that it wasn't what she had wanted; but she'd done what she set out to do too effectively.

_**Even when I'm right**_

"Don't bother saying anything Blair, it won't change anything now." Chuck said dismissively. "How could I have been stupid enough to think we could be friends one day?"

_**'Cause you feed me fables from your hand**_

Blair couldn't seem to focus on Chuck's words, she was so angry and hurt. He didn't understand and she didn't know how to change that. Her next words came unbidden from a place of intense pain even though she knew they were wrong. "I wonder what Gwen would think if she actually knew everything instead of the bullshit you've told her." Blair said tilting her head to the side as a smirk rose to her face.

_**With violent words and empty threats**_

Chuck cocked his head ever so slightly as he glared at Blair as she sat before him. Part of him was appraising her, trying to see if she was serious or just trying to talk a bigger game than she was willing to play. "You wouldn't dare tell her."

_**And it's sick that all these battles**_

Innocent eyes wide, Blair fluttered her lashes. "Are we forgetting what I did to Eva when I hated you? Can you imagine the kind of effort I would put in against actual competition?"

_**Are what keeps me satisfied**_

"DAMN IT BLAIR!" Chuck shouted as he slammed his hand down on the table so hard that the glasses shook with the force. "I won't let you take me back there. I don't play games anymore; I don't declare war and write elaborate treaties of peace. You lied before, you lied when you said you were different. You're never going to grow up, you'll never stop playing games."

_**Just gonna stand there and watch me burn**_

Blair just shook her head this time, holding together a strong front in the face of Chuck's wrath. "I'm not playing games Chuck, not when it comes to you. I want you. I want you so much it hurts and if I have to eliminate Gwen to have you I'll do it. Because I've never been more serious about anything in my life. And all I'll have to do is tell the truth - that's not a game."

_**But that's all right because I like the way it hurts**_

Chuck gripped his glass so tightly his knuckles turned white as he spoke. "Stay away from Gwen."

Blair's eyes narrowed as she smirked. "Tell her the truth or I will."

_**Just gonna stand there and hear me cry**_

Chuck felt the glass shatter in his hand before he realized how tightly he'd gripped it but he didn't even flinch as he stared Blair down. "Gwen is my girlfriend. I'll tell her what I wish on my terms. And I swear if you interfere you'll wish I was the Chuck that still played games because if I lose it now there are no limits."

_**But that's all right because I love the way you lie**_

Blair sat frozen as Chuck stood and walked out, without another word. Looking down at the shattered glass across the table Blair felt herself begin to shake as the tears that she'd been holding back began to fight their way forward. Oh God, what had she done? What the hell had she done to him?

_**I love the way you lie**_

* * *

><p>Chuck struggled to compose himself in the elevator to his apartment. He was so furious he couldn't contain it. His hands were shaking as his mind raced. He couldn't let Gwen know that Blair had upset him, just like he couldn't tell Gwen the whole truth. She knew so much of what he'd done to Blair but she didn't know the intricacies and she didn't know that once upon a time Blair had been his entire life.<p>

Steadying his demeanor he exited the elevator to see Gwen waiting in the front sitting room, leaning against the back of the couch.

"Hey baby." She spoke, taking a few steps forward and wrapping her arms around Chuck's neck. Leaning in she placed a soft slow kiss on his lips.

Chuck smiled as he drew away, his hands still around her waist. Something about Gwen made all the bad stuff go away; the complications with what was going on with Blair smoothed out until it wasn't important anymore. "Hey." He spoke, his voice low.

Gwen smiled. "How was dinner? Did you guys have the chance to catch up?"

Chuck looked down at Gwen and could see the love in her eyes and with that the trust. She'd been trying to give him a gift by allowing him to reconnect with Blair and he didn't have it in him to tell her the truth; forget all the other reasons. "I think it was good for both of us to remember the way things were." Chuck spoke trying to stay as close to the truth as he could. Because it was good for them to remember the state of things when she'd left, it reaffirmed all of his current choices.

Gwen's smile brightened. "I'm glad."

Chuck reached forward and brushed a piece of hair back from her face, letting his fingers graze her cheek as he tucked the hair behind her ear. "Are you spending the night?"

Gwen shrugged lightly as she shook her head. "No, I have a meeting tomorrow morning at 7 at Lincoln Center."

Chuck nodded in understanding as he took a step backward. Gwen's apartment was Upper West Side so it was only a two minute walk from her apartment to Lincoln Center. The commute from the New Yorker would take at least half an hour. "I'll walk out with you." He spoke as he started moving towards the elevator. "I have a meeting with security."

Gwen's eyes widened in surprise even as she slid her hand into his so that he could lead her out. "Why on earth do you have a meeting now? It's almost midnight."

Chuck sighed as he stepped back into the elevator. It was an odd arrangement but it worked and it was something he'd been doing as long as he could remember. "We try to meet at least once a week to discuss security concerns and anything they might have flagged as unusual though not urgent in the security tapes. By doing it at night it keeps it from interfering with my personal life or business meetings and it's a slower time of day for security so it's not crucial they be watching the monitors."

Gwen nodded. "I see." That was interesting, she'd been dating Chuck for two years and this was the first she'd encountered one of these meetings.

Chuck could see where her thoughts were heading and he cut in so that she didn't have to ask. "I schedule them around my time with you."

Smiling, Gwen looked at him with adoring eyes. He was so very good to her and he knew her better than anyone she'd ever been with. Their similarities drew them together and yet their differences seemed to make them stronger; they were like perfect complements. Walking out of the elevator she drew him to her, placing a goodbye kiss on his lips. Though as she pulled away she realized she had one more question. "What merits a security concern that isn't urgent?"

Chuck shrugged because honestly it depended. "Usually, inappropriate behavior like flashing the security camera, people who've pulled the emergency stop button, curious behavior that while isn't threatening might be a concern later, multiple episodes by the same resident or guest of over the top drunkenness, and of course the regular make-out/grope session."

A frown jokingly slid on to Gwen's face as she lifted her eyebrows. "You must love this part of your job." She spoke seriously before laughing.

Chuck laughed as well, he knew Gwen didn't care about things like this and after all as she said, it was part of his job. Smirking he lifted his eyebrows suggestively. "Sometimes Nate comes and you're of course welcome to join anytime."

Rolling her eyes Gwen simply shook her head before playfully swatting his shoulder. "You Chuck Bass are incorrigible."

Grinning Chuck gave her a real goodbye kiss and told her goodnight before making his way to the security room. As he opened the door he could see the men of his security team already crowded around a screen. "Sorry I'm late boys." He said sauntering forward until he could see the screen a bit better though for the time being his view was still partially obscured. It looked like a dark haired woman crying. From his current position he couldn't see much but her life must be pretty terrible to be falling apart in public - he couldn't help but feel pity for the woman. "What do we have here?"

The head of security turned and looked at Chuck, moving so Chuck could move to a better vantage point. He gave a nonchalant gesture as he picked up the remote to move on. "It's just some young woman having a mental breakdown in the north elevator; nothing to note we just pulled it because she pulled the emergency stop."

Chuck started to nod, giving the man permission to move to the next concern when he saw it. "Wait." He called, moving closer until he could see for sure. What he saw made his heart contract painfully as his mouth dried out. He recognized that bag on the floor, he knew it wasn't released to the public yet but he knew someone who had it, someone who'd been carrying it a day they'd come to his office.

_**Just gonna stand there and watch me burn**_

Swallowing tightly he tried to wet his throat enough to speak. "Rewind that." He croaked. As the head of security pressed play again Chuck shook his head. How could he have ever thought that she was just an anonymous girl? Now everything about her from her stance to her attire to the way her body moved as she cried screamed to him who she was.

_**But that's all right because I like the way it hurts**_

Chuck squirmed as he watched through the 10 minute video. His stomach turned as he watched her collapse in upon herself. He hated that he felt sadness as she first grasped the handrail then slid down to the floor, pulling the emergency stop as she did. There'd been so few instances when he'd seen her lose it. Blair Waldorf didn't lose control, certainly not somewhere she might be observed. And Blair Waldorf did not fall apart, she had to be strong to support everyone else.

_**Just gonna stand there and hear me cry**_

A twinge went off inside of Chuck as he thought of the way she'd once supported him. A part of him wondered if she was losing control right now, if their argument could have caused another scene like this. It made him nauseous to think that it might have.

_**But that's all right because I love the way you lie**_

It was the North elevator, the one that reached his penthouse and just like he recognized the bag, he recognized her outfit but just to be sure he asked the head of security. "What day was this?"

The head of security looked at Chuck strangely; he didn't usually take particular interest in any of the tapes. While starting out serious these session had mostly turned into entertainment over the years. "Monday afternoon around five-thirty."

_**I love the way you lie**_

Chuck nodded, he was right. This was Blair leaving the New Yorker after meeting Gwen. And it was like a car crash that he couldn't look away from watching. His eyes wouldn't avert from her shaking form even with the knowledge that she'd been leaving his apartment when she hit this state. He didn't care that watching her made his entire body revolt, he couldn't look away.

_**So maybe I'm a masochist**_

His mind raced with questions while simultaneously answering them and piecing it all together. It made sense now; Blair and Gwen had gotten along and it had been what caused Blair to finally realize that he'd moved on. This was a video of Blair discovering that he'd fallen in love with someone new.

_**I try to run but I don't wanna ever leave**_

As the video continued Chuck's jaw tightened at the pain he was witnessing because what he hated most of all was the fact that in that moment all he wanted was to have been there to comfort her because seeing Blair fall apart like that made him feel like he was the one falling apart.

_**'Til the walls are goin' up**_

This was the last thing that was supposed to happen; he was not supposed to care about her anymore. "Shit." He muttered as he watched the video of Blair fade into another.

_**In smoke with all our memories**_

* * *

><p>Blair left her cab angry. She didn't care that Chuck had left her to pay the bill, she didn't care that he'd left at all - she'd told him at the start that he could. What she cared about was what he believed about her; the kind of person she was, her feelings for him, and most of all what he believed about why she left. She was angry, but she wasn't angry at Chuck; she was angry at herself, this was her fault and there was no way to avoid that.<p>

"How was dinner?" Serena asked, looking up over a magazine at Blair as she exited the elevator. Though she wished she hadn't the moment she saw Blair's face.

Blair ignored Serena's questions as she stormed through the foyer and towards the stairs. She didn't care if S was mad at her tomorrow, she'd get over it. It wasn't like Blair could spill half of what had happened at dinner anyway. There were too many secrets, too many holes that weren't filled in for her to explain just what had gone wrong.

"That good huh?" Serena asked standing and following Blair as she stomped up the stairs. Serena couldn't help but laugh lightly to herself. She was Blair's best friend of course; but there was a part of her that liked seeing Blair scramble for once. It was about time she fought for Chuck if that was what she wanted. Serena couldn't help but note that it had been a long time since Blair had been the one fighting for him; not since senior year of high school.

Blair simply glared at Serena as she glanced over her shoulder before opening her bedroom door and slamming it in Serena's face. It was okay for Serena to know she was mad but Blair could feel the hot sting of tears behind her eyes and she did not want Serena to see how pathetic she was becoming.

Serena just shook her head and grinned. "I guess we'll talk tomorrow then." As she turned to go to her room, Serena could hear Blair let out a scream of what she imagined must be frustration into her pillow. Serena might have been worried if they were still in high school but they weren't and she wasn't because she'd just figured something out and she had a feeling that once Blair thought about it, she'd see it too. So for now, she'd leave her alone.

Blair flopped down on the bed screaming in frustration at the sobbing mess she was becoming once again. Blair Waldorf was not and had never been one to break down and cry. She did not lose control like that but she was so furious with herself and once the fury subsided she knew what would come next, the terrible feelings of defeat.

_**Just gonna stand there and watch me burn**_

Like clockwork she felt her emotions mounting and overflowing. She'd never seen Chuck so passionately angry as he'd gotten tonight. He was never going to forgive what she'd done, maybe worse he was never going to forget. The majority of dinner had gone so well it wasn't until the end that things had fallen apart. It all happened so quickly, of course starting with the topic of children. It was her fault for saying that she'd wanted that with him, she'd chosen to take that road but she couldn't lie about it.

_**But that's all right because I love the way you lie**_

And of course that led to the Hamptons, everything would always go back to the Hamptons. One of only two times she could remember when they'd both been so completely on the same page. Both had wanted the same things, she'd just been too scared and too proud to admit it and he'd been too hurt and too damaged to stop her. So she'd done the unthinkable and she'd let him think the worst of her he could. That was the thing she regretted the most in life, not leaving four years ago. A part of her had needed to go the first time. The Hamptons, on the other hand, had been sheer idiocy. The tears that were now rolling down her face seemed to eat away at her like acid, corroding the self-loathing and pain until she was numb just as it always did.

_**Just gonna stand there and hear me cry**_

But the numbness was not coming easily tonight, something was tugging at the back of her brain, something was resisting. As she made an effort to isolate and explore that thought she felt her tears began to slow. He'd threatened her, he'd actually threatened her. He had to know she wouldn't actually do anything to Gwen, she didn't even know if she was still the same kind of person that could reveal their history to Gwen much less do worse. But the question was why was he so scared?

_**But that's all right because I love the way you lie**_

Sure Gwen would be suspicious if Chuck came clean, more so if Blair was the cause; but she loved him and she'd move past it. Gwen was a smart girl. She wouldn't be suspicious if there wasn't something to be suspicious of.

_**I love the way you lie**_

In that moment the tears ceased, Blair's shaking stopped, and her eyes widened. She looked at her reflection in her vanity mirror as she lay on the bed and she could see the blotchiness begin to clear her cheeks as the smallest hint of a smile began to play on her lips because Blair had finally realized just what had gone wrong at dinner. Ambivalent people didn't get that angry, they didn't threaten, they didn't keep secrets and hate wouldn't cause him to hide things from Gwen. Whether Chuck realized it or not he wasn't nearly as over her as he thought he was.

_**Ooh, I love the way you lie**_

Serena smiled as she heard an end to Blair's tears because she knew that Blair had figured it out. Shaking her head she heard Blair shuffle around for a moment as though looking for something before leaving her room and then the apartment. She wasn't entirely certain where Blair was going but she had a good feeling that she wasn't feeling nearly as down as she had been an hour ago.

* * *

><p>Blair was still reeling from a mix of emotions as she walked into the hospital. Part of her was still an emotional wreck waiting to happen, but the feeling of abject hopelessness was gone. Yet another part of her was still furious at the whole situation but now there was this spark in her. She knew the way to change things; if she was going to change the way everyone viewed her she had to start being honest. Hadn't that been what she had been threatening Chuck with? The truth? Maybe it was time she started employing the truth for herself.<p>

Reaching up to the chain now around her neck she felt strengthened by its presence there once more and the heaviness that rested underneath her blouse. This was just the reminder she needed today for what she was about to do.

She knew it was late, well past visiting hours at the hospital but she'd planned to claim to be Steph's sister; if that failed there was very little a few hundred dollar bills would deny you. That had been the plan as per usual but the nurse on duty didn't even stop her as she walked past. Leave it to Lennox Hill to not even enforce the visiting hour regulations.

Reaching Steph's hospital room, she peeked in through the opening in the door. She could see Steph asleep in the bed, the incubator holding little Rosaleigh nearby, then Dan sitting in the chair watching them both. Quietly, Blair pushed the door open just enough to get Dan's attention. Slipping her head into the room she met Dan's curious gaze and gestured with her head for him to join her outside.

Standing Dan stretched his muscles. He'd been in the same chair for a long time but he was too mystified to sleep. After what he'd watched happen today he was so in awe of the world that he had trouble averting his gaze let alone close his eyes. So he'd simply been staring there watching the two most important women in his life - his two girls - sleep, when Blair had arrived.

Blair backed further into the hallway as Dan came outside to join her. "I hope I didn't wake you or Steph, I know it's been an exciting day."

Dan grinned shaking his head. "Steph's been out cold for hours, the exhaustion finally caught up with her but I haven't been able to stop smiling long enough to sleep." Blair smiled but Dan could see that there was something on her mind. "What's going on?"

Blair couldn't help but grin. Dan had an ability to read her that rivaled Chuck's and in some ways surpassed it. Intellectually, Dan had an innate ability to form conclusions based on a simple emotional read of her current state. It was what made him so judgmental but it did have its uses. "If you're feeling up to it I was hoping we could talk for a bit."

Dan nodded. "Of course, do you want to go to the waiting room?"

Blair gave a nod herself before gesturing towards the hospital room. "Yes, but you might want to grab your laptop."

"What?" Dan asked, even as he took her advice and turned towards the room. Of course he had it, he never went anywhere without it because who knew when he'd be inspired to write.

Blair gave him a wry smile. "You're going to add a new chapter to your book."

Dan furrowed his eyebrow. "My book?"

Blair simply nodded and started backing down the hallway. "I'm going to tell you what happened two years ago when Chuck and I ran into each other in the Hamptons."

"Do you care if I get my recorder too?" Dan asked quickly, knowing that this might be the only time he would get Blair to talk openly about this.

"Might as well." Blair said with a light sigh.

It wasn't ten minutes later when Blair and Dan were comfortably seated in the waiting room that Dan really allowed himself to think about what she said she was going to tell him. It was then that he finally asked for clarification. "So I was right this morning, something did happen two years ago."

Blair nodded, exhaling as she prepared for what she was about to say. "Yeah something happened."

Dan moved to place his elbows on his knees. "How? You'd been so careful to avoid him at all cost."

"I wasn't very subtle, was I?" Blair asked with a lifted eyebrow.

Dan practically snorted. "You moved across the country, I'd say that's pretty obvious."

Laughing, Blair began to feel at ease but she knew what was stopping her from talking, there was still a twinge of uncertainty that seemed to be haunting her. She'd never told anyone this but once more she reached up and placed a hand on her chest, happy to find the familiar feeling against her hand that she once had known so well.

"Whenever you're ready." Dan spoke as he turned on the recorder, being careful to ensure he met her gaze head on, he didn't want her to change her mind because he was dying to know what it was that they had all missed.

Channeling all of her emotions from earlier and funneling them into the goal she'd set out to accomplish - she had to tell someone the truth - she inhaled deeply, she then slowly exhaled and with that she began to speak.

* * *

><p>The song is Love the Way You Lie Pt. II by Rihanna but I used the Colton Dixon version. And yes for all of you who are curious, the next chapter will be almost entirely set in the Hamptons 2 years ago so get excited for some major CB action.<p>

Reviews are always appreciated!

xoxo - kate


	8. What Happened in the Hamptons Pt I

I'm back from Spring Break and midterms are almost over woooooo! So expect the next couple of updates to be relatively quick! (To those of you I promised a chapter before spring break, I'm sorry, life got in the way a bit).

This chapter is going to be quite different from what most have been up until now but I think you'll be happy to finally learn what happened in the Hamptons as many of you have been asking for a while.

It features the song Lost and Found by Anoop Desai - I highly recommend listening to it when you get to that section of the chapter.

Rating: M – which I'm sure most of you will take as a good sign.

To my reviewers: **shanGG, xoxogg4lifexoxo, Bibstick95, Teddy bear, GGfanficfan09, BlairGirlNo1, wrighthangal, CarolinaGirl21, Kadlin, Stella296, BellaB2010, LitPrincess2787, kosoul7, LeftWriter224, jamieerin, Iz, leah, annablake, anon, SouthernBelle88, and Lovely Lydia.** You guys are awesome, thanks for waiting for this update for so long!

And to my fantastic beta ggff-fan, all my thanks!

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 7: What Happened in the Hamptons, Part I<strong>

_Friday - 9pm_

Blair smiled as she rode through the Hamptons to Serena's house there. It was so nice just to relax and be alone. Her finals were done and she was officially a graduate of Duke University, heading to Stanford in the fall where she would potentially be getting an apartment with a boy who could potentially be her boyfriend.

Blair's smile brightened as she thought about Austin. Falling for him had been more surprising than the time she almost fell for Dan. Laughing to herself, she shook her head, sometimes she wondered what she and Dan had been thinking; though she knew even now that it had always been a little more him and a little less her. She smiled now as she thought of Austin and the adorable way that his hair slipped over his eyes when he needed a haircut and the grin that lit his face every time he saw her. Thinking of him made her feel warm inside, it made her feel loved.

Though none of that changed the fact that they were taking some time to themselves this summer. The relationship had come on so suddenly and both of them needed the time to step back and re-evaluate. Right now they were in limbo; they'd slept together once and it had been everything she could have imagined it would be. But now it was time to decide if they were going to take things slowly as though their relationship was just beginning or if they were going to jump in head first and move in together.

After deciding to take some time to figure things out they'd each made completely separate summer plans and for the first time in a very long time, Blair's plans included New York City. She loved Serena for suggesting that she started off in the Hamptons, it was going to be the perfect way to ease herself into the swing of things. The rest of her summer would consist of a few weeks in New York immediately following the Hamptons visit, followed by a week with her dad at his place, a week with her mom in Paris, another week with Serena in the Hamptons, yet another week in New York, all ending with Dan Humphrey's wedding to Stephanie Astor.

Blair almost laughed at the thought of it; Dan Humphrey of all people was marrying an Astor. But she'd heard the story from Serena enough to know that it was real and that made her smile, she was happy for Dan. Pressing her lips together, Blair suppressed the jolt of panic as she thought about Dan's wedding. If she didn't care so much about her friend she wouldn't be going because while Blair had plans to be in New York, those plans had been judiciously scheduled around someone else's, but at the wedding that someone else would inevitably be there as he was in fact the best man.

Sighing to herself, Blair thought not for the first time about backing out. She couldn't see Chuck, not after everything she had done and what she was about to do. She knew she'd hurt him and she was embarrassed by her actions but at the same time she knew that she couldn't or shouldn't go back. It didn't matter if she loved him or if he loved her, things with them were over, too much had happened and it was much too late to change things. So she'd go to the wedding with the support of her friends and when the time came, if Chuck refused to let go, she'd be forced to tell him just how over things were - how they had to be.

Shaking these thoughts from her head, Blair didn't want to think about that, not here in paradise. There would be plenty of time for that over the course of the summer, here she just wanted to be happy. Blair sighed as she breathed in the sea air; there was something so soothing about it, it cleared her head. Closing her eyes, she knew she was getting close to Serena's house, it might have been a while but her body recognized the length of time that it took as well as the way the scent of the sea air seemed to strengthen just as she neared the bend.

"We're here, Miss. Waldorf." The driver spoke before exiting to assist her then help with her bags.

"Thank you Michael." She said, taking her rolling bag as he lifted her others.

It was almost surreal to be back here. This was the closest that she'd been to New York since she'd left the city. Michael had picked her up from LaGuardia and they'd come straight here, where she had secured his services for the week.

Appearing in the doorway Michael slipped his head inside. "Is there anything else you need today Miss. Waldorf?"

Blair shook her head. "No thank you Michael, I'll probably crash early."

Michael nodded. "I'm staying in town, if there's somewhere you need to go don't hesitate to call me."

"Thank you." She said again, watching as he pulled the door to. Lying back on the bed, Blair pulled out her iPad and began reading a book she'd downloaded to give her something to read while she relaxed. But her mind wasn't really focused on the words in front of her. Instead, she found herself looking around the room.

This was the same room she always stayed in when she visited the Hamptons. Blair's mom had never seen a reason to purchase a Hamptons house because she spent most summers in Paris or Milan; but Blair's residence with the Van Der Woodsen's each summer was as aged a tradition as they'd ever had.

The room had seen many changes over the years, as photographs had begun to decorate the mantle and the color scheme had changed with Blair's moods - she'd never been allowed to redecorate her room at home so this had become her work of art. Currently, the walls were a light lavender, the bedspread white with the tiniest purple flowers lining the edges. Purple accents around the room brought it all together.

Looking at the mantle Blair saw the most recent pictures that adorned it and felt a slight jolt - most of them included Chuck. Shaking her head she pushed him from her mind. That wasn't something she needed to worry about, not for a few more weeks at least. Focusing back on the book she forced herself to pay attention to the words before her.

After only a few moments her eyes began to grow heavy; it really had been a long day. It was after they were closed and she had begun to slip under that she felt a tingle run up her spine. Assuming it was sleep pulling her under Blair went with it, not considering what that tingle might mean.

* * *

><p><em>Friday 11:30pm<em>

Chuck smiled as he stepped out of the black town car, glad he'd opted for it instead of the limo. The limo was much too conspicuous and he wasn't looking to get noticed. It had been an interesting few weeks with Bass Industries, things at work had been busy to say the least and the young CEO had been in the spotlight more than he would have liked throughout that time. This was on top of the fact that summer had become one of the most difficult times of the year for him to handle, though he still couldn't believe it had been two years.

Lily had noticed that he was becoming overwhelmed and had insisted that he take a few weeks off and let her handle things, suggesting that he spent some time in the Van der Woodsen mansion in the Hamptons. It was early, too early for the New York residents to have taken up residence for the summer and he'd have the 30,000sq ft home to himself - nothing sounded better right now.

"What time is it Albert?" He asked as he grabbed his hanging bag from the trunk.

"Close to midnight, sir." Albert responded as they began to move things inside. "What room are you staying in Mr. Bass?"

Chuck thought for a moment as they stood in the grand entry way. There were of course many options with the house containing something like 20 bedrooms but he had a few that he preferred to others. "How about the sailboat room, the one with the balcony facing the pool."

"Of course sir." Albert nodded and began to carry the things upstairs, with Chuck close behind.

Chuck started down the hallway of closed doors pausing only for a moment at the corner room of the house. This was the room Blair always stayed in. In truth he'd thought about telling Albert that it was where he wanted to stay this trip but not even Chuck Bass could have explained that sentiment. Albert would have known and Chuck himself probably would have gone crazy.

Swallowing tightly he forced himself to keep walking even though a tugging at the base of his spine kept trying to pull him back towards the doorway to Blair's room. Perhaps he could just peek inside and that would be enough; he thought as he paused once more. He missed her so much every day and to be in a space that was hers alone would be the strangest mixture of torture and happiness - he knew that and yet he still hesitated.

Shaking his head, Chuck took a step forward, fighting the tugging at his spine once more. Maybe tomorrow he would slip inside, if only to feel her presence for a moment or two; but for now he had luggage to unpack.

It was later that night after he'd finished unpacking that Chuck realized he must have left his cell phone downstairs. Normally he wouldn't care, this was supposed to be a business free weekend but it was his personal cell, the people who had the number mattered.

Feeling his way down the long hallway, he worked his way down the stairs. The house was almost pitch black and he hadn't been here enough by himself to know where to find the light switches. Luckily the bottom floor had windows facing the moon that gave the room enough of a glow that he could see his cell sitting on the kitchen table.

Snatching his phone, Chuck turned and began the trek back to his room. He was surprised by how much darker the hallway seemed after the moonlit downstairs. Catching the top stair, Chuck stumbled forward, his shoulder knocking into something on the wall. Cursing, he righted himself, trying to fix whatever he'd knocked over but finding that he couldn't see well enough to tell.

Deciding that it would have to wait until the morning, Chuck slowly began to move his way down the hall once more, this time being more careful not to bump into anything. Reaching his room he sighed in relief, thinking that tomorrow he would definitely be figuring out where the light switches were because that was too much of an adventure for what was supposed to be a week of relaxation.

* * *

><p><em>Saturday - 8am<em>

Flinging open the curtains of her room, sunlight poured in making unnatural lighting completely unnecessary. Blair couldn't help but be excited as she dressed to go to the beach. Tying on the new bikini she'd purchased especially for this trip she grinned in satisfaction. She'd been concerned when she'd ordered it that it might be too small and sometimes during exams she gained weight but looking at herself in the mirror, even she couldn't find something to criticize.

Tossing on a cover up she grabbed her bag and whisked herself into the hallway. She stopped suddenly as she exited her doorway. Directly across the hallway from her the painting hanging on the wall was askew. Narrowing her gaze, Blair observed the painting, moving forward to set it back upright. She was certain that it wasn't like this the night before and she was much too detail oriented not to notice.

Looking down the hallway as well as down the staircase, she thought for just a moment that there must be someone else in the house. It caused her heartbeat to race if only for a moment. Serena had said there wouldn't be anyone else there and so she should be by herself. Grasping her phone tightly she was about to call Michael back and tell him to hurry when suddenly she relaxed. Of course, Michael probably just bumped the painting on his way out.

Laughing at her foolishness, Blair shook her head at the painting before quickly descending the staircase. She didn't want to miss any of the early summer sun. Grabbing a couple pieces of fruit from the bowl on the counter she smiled, that was one of her favorite things about being in Serena's house as a kid, no one to tell her what to eat and a constant supply of fresh fruit. To think Lily and the staff thought that fruit was good for you rather than a terrible source of sugar as Eleanor had believed. Now that the painting matter was resolved she was once more in a good mood and decided that a few extra pieces might be nice to have for later in the day.

Placing the extra fruit in her bag, she waited patiently for Michael to arrive. Opening her beach bag she pulled out a paper back copy of _Water for Elephants_. Normally she would just use her e-reader on her iPad but she didn't think the iPad mixed well with the sand and salty air of the beach and Serena had expressly recommended it. Generally Serena didn't read that much so Blair knew it had to be good.

Only a few pages into the book, Blair heard Michael pull up outside. Dog-earing the page, Blair stuck the book into her bag and pushed herself off the barstool. Today was going to be perfect, she could feel it.

* * *

><p><em>Saturday - 10:30am<em>

Chuck yawned as he felt his eyes begin to open. Smiling contentedly he realized that this was probably the first time that he'd slept a full night's sleep in months. Stretching he felt refreshed and energized, unsurprised to note as he glanced at the clock that it was almost eleven. This was exactly why he was here, to rest and relax.

Glancing down at his phone Chuck was happy to see that he had no missed messages or calls, that meant everything was going well back home. Rising he glanced around his darkened room before teasing open the curtains, he'd picked this room because it faced the direction of the sunset so light hadn't managed to shine through until only a few minutes before.

What to do first? It had been a long time since he'd had the chance to just relax and do nothing. So long that he'd forgotten what it was like. In general he liked to keep busy, otherwise his mind would wander to thoughts of her. So a busy relaxed break it would be, he thought as he pushed thoughts of Blair from his mind and began to plan his day. Perhaps beginning with some lounging by the pool then a trip to the club before heading back to go out to their old hangout, Lily Pond.

Walking down the hallway, Chuck remembered he had to figure out whatever he'd knocked into last night and fix it; but as he neared the end of the hall he could see that there was nothing out of place. Looking around in confusion, his eyes landed on a painting - one that happened to be directly across from Blair's room. This must have been what he hit but it looked like it was straight.

Reaching out Chuck tested the painting to see if perhaps it was fastened down so tightly it couldn't be moved, but one nudge of his hand told him that it could. Perhaps one of the housekeepers had done it - he knew they had to be around here somewhere. Continuing down the stairs, he didn't let himself consider peeking inside Blair's room. He'd already thought of her too many times this morning, doing that could cause a breakdown.

Collecting the paper from the doorstep, he sat down at the counter reaching for a piece of fruit from the bowl he'd seen the night before. Surprise hit him as his hand grasped at nothing. Moving the paper aside he looked at the fruit bowl. There was only one piece of fruit left. That was odd, he'd been sure he'd seen the bowl practically overflowing the night before. Perhaps the housekeeping staff had gotten hungry as well.

Shrugging it off, Chuck thought nothing more of it as he finished off the paper before journeying towards the pool and leaving the New York Times behind.

* * *

><p><em>Saturday 12pm<em>

Walking inside the house Blair grinned. It had been a perfect morning on the beach but now it was almost noon and it was time to get some shopping done. If she was going to go out and have a good time tonight, she needed a new dress to do it.

She was surprised when she saw the New York Times sitting on the counter. The paper hadn't been here when she'd left this morning so one of the housekeepers must have picked it up but that was certainly an odd place to leave it, why next to the fruit bowl? Gaze traveling to the fruit bowl itself she realized that something else was different. She was sure she'd left a piece of fruit behind but now the bowl was empty. It was strange because she hadn't even known the housekeepers would be here yet but she supposed someone had to live in the house and keep it up even when the Van der Woodsen's weren't around.

Shrugging it off, Blair practically skipped up the stairs, changing quickly and throwing on a cute sun dress that used to be one of her favorites. Turning in front of the mirror, she was once more pleased with her appearance. This house made her realize how self-conscious she'd once been and yet now she couldn't help but feel confident here. It must have been the contrast doing it; but damn she felt good.

Blair carefully placed her bags back into the closet and straightened her bed, she'd always hated clutter especially in a room so pristine as this. Traveling back down the stairs she didn't even realize that she left her door slightly ajar.

* * *

><p><em>Saturday 1pm<em>

Chuck didn't notice as he walked in from the pool, in fact for the first time he didn't even hesitate at the top of the stairs. But when he returned from his room, gym bag slung over his shoulder he paused. Blair's door was open.

Well, it wasn't really open, more it wasn't closed. This he knew hadn't been the case this morning. He'd stood here then observing the painting he'd thought he'd knocked this morning long enough to know that the door had been completely closed.

Freezing for a moment he thought of the possible reasons. Perhaps Serena was here and was staying in Blair's room for sentimental reasons much as he'd contemplated. Possibly, Blair herself might be coming to the Hamptons in the next few weeks and the staff was preparing the room for her. Or perhaps Blair was here.

Scoffing to himself Chuck immediately dismissed this last thought. Blair would never allow herself to be in the same place he was - though of course no one actually knew he was here either except of course Lily.

Curiosity getting the better of him, Chuck reached forward, noting that his hand was almost shaking, and gave the door the tiniest of pushes. His heart was beating loudly with the possibility as he took a step forward into the room.

Being there, in a place that was so quintessentially Blair was almost overwhelming. Everything about it was so very her from the décor to the personal touches - this room was more Blair than hers in her own house ever was. His heart was swelling with a marvelous intensity as he drank in the sight of everything, he could practically feel her amongst the lilac décor.

Making his way over to the mantle, he picked up a photograph of the two of them; it was from the night of the Saints and Sinners Ball he'd thrown. Before she'd left him that night it had been one of the happiest of his life – he'd thought that he was about to get everything he'd ever wanted. He could hardly believe that photograph had found its way here.

Setting the photograph down he walked to the bed, running his fingers along the linens, pausing for a moment. It had been a very long time since he'd felt this physically close to her and his body had an indescribable ache at the thought of her. But even though the room itself and her lingering presence caused rushes of heat to warm Chuck's spine he could see that the room had been undisturbed.

Shaking it off, Chuck left the room, being certain to shut the door this time. He didn't want to be tempted to go back to her room again, if he did he might not be able to force himself to leave. Walking down the stairs he noticed that the paper wasn't where he'd left it, no it was gone altogether and yet in its place set a book.

Picking up the book he flipped it over. He recognized this book, it was the one Serena had been raving about since she'd started reading it a few days ago - _Water for Elephants_. But how did it get here? Serena must be here after all, Chuck thought to himself as he shrugged. It didn't matter to him, as evidenced by the fact that he hadn't seen her yet clearly she wouldn't be disturbing his relaxation.

* * *

><p><em>Saturday - 3pm<em>

"What the hell?" Blair muttered quietly to herself. She'd been denying it all day but something weird was going on in this house. She'd come in from shopping and her perfect lunch to find that the newspaper had suddenly disappeared. Going upstairs to slip back into a bathing suit she had the distinct feeling that something was off, it wasn't anything definitive but it felt like someone had been in her room.

She'd gone back downstairs ready to lay out by the pool when she realized that she couldn't find her book. She'd been certain that she'd left it on the dining room table when she'd come in from the beach but she hadn't seen it. When it was missing she was certain that she'd left it in her beach bag but she'd searched through the whole thing and it wasn't there.

Practically growling, Blair tossed her bag into a nearby chair. She knew she was going to miss the best rays of sunlight if she didn't get outside soon but this was driving her crazy. There was clearly someone in this house other than her and she'd yet to see a single housekeeper so she was beginning to get the feeling that she really didn't have the place to herself.

Resigning herself to the fact that she'd rather catch the last bit of sunlight of the afternoon than stand here stressing over which member of the extended Van der Woodsen - Humphrey family was invading her personal space, Blair went outside to lay by the pool.

The moment the sunlight hit her face she smiled, who cared who was here, they clearly weren't bothering her other than a few misplaced items. If she hadn't seen them yet, she probably wouldn't and she wasn't going to worry about it.

* * *

><p><em>Saturday - 4pm<em>

The first thing Chuck noticed as he returned from the club was the beach bag in the chair by the counter. Shaking his head he found he was completely unsurprised. All day long the signs had been pointing towards someone being here and that someone was clearly Serena. The most surprising thing was simply the fact that Lily hadn't mentioned it. Maybe Serena had just wanted to get away for the weekend and hadn't told her?

Grabbing his phone, Chuck was about to dial Serena's number just to see what she was up to and how she felt about joining him at Lily Pond tonight when he realized that first her phone was probably in her bag and second he smelled terrible. He needed a shower before encountering anyone, even his pseudo-step-sibling.

Relaxing as the water beat into his back, Chuck could practically feel the coils in his muscles unwinding that he hadn't even realized were there. Letting go on the squash court had felt good but his muscles had tightened up in response; but the heat and pressure of the water were doing wonders to remedy the situation.

Sighing, he admitted to himself what he hadn't wanted to admit - a part of him had been hoping that Blair was here, that she was the one he kept missing around the house. Logically he knew it didn't make sense; Blair had done a damn good job of avoiding him for the past two years, she wasn't going to stop now.

He knew of course that she'd been attending college at Duke. The first thing he'd done when she'd left was call up Andrew Tyler and have him search the database of every school she might deem appropriate until he found her. It hadn't taken long. Chuck had waited though, he'd wanted to give her time to see if she'd come back to him on her own. At very least he'd talk to her at Christmas and figure things out; but she hadn't come home, not for Christmas or any other holiday.

It was almost a year ago when he'd gone down to North Carolina, unable to resist it any longer. He'd had to see her, had to tell her that he was still waiting, that he'd always be waiting. They were inevitable no matter how far either of them ran or where they might try to hide and he knew she knew that; but if he had to remind her so be it. What he saw in North Carolina shocked him.

He had believed with every ounce of his being that even though she'd left him, even though she'd run away in the middle of the night without even a note, that she'd still been holding on. They were incapable of moving on, hadn't they proven that time and again? When he saw her engaged in a heated argument with an attractive gentleman he'd had to steady himself not because she was arguing with someone or even that she was with someone but because he could see the gleam in her eyes.

In that moment he'd been terrified, not to mention jealous out of his mind. He'd barely watched a moment more of their sickening banter before turning and walking away. How was it possible for her to move on so easily? How could she be so happy when he was so abjectly miserable? When she wasn't with him a part of him was missing and he couldn't see how she could be so full of life.

That was the first time he'd ever considered Nate's drunken suggestion as a realistic possibility. He'd never forget, though Nate certainly had, the night in which Nate had told him that the only way to explain Blair's behavior was to assume she'd done it for revenge. After everything Chuck had done over the four years of their relationship, the lies, the hurt, the things with Jack, the chasing, the running away, sleeping with Jenny, and the awful reaction he'd had to her engagement to Louis, Nate's drunken theory claimed that Blair had gone back to Chuck, had told him she forgave him only to hurt him as badly as he'd hurt her by taking it all away.

That day when he'd left Duke the idea that Blair might have been acting out of revenge couldn't quite leave his brain and no matter how many times since then he'd told himself it wasn't possible, told himself that it was something else because she loved him as much as he loved her, it would always find its way back.

Getting out of the shower, Chuck wrapped a towel around his waist and stepped out onto the balcony, letting the balmy air of late May dry his skin. His mind was still lingering on thoughts of Blair as he gazed towards the ocean. He'd gone down to North Carolina three more times, each with the intention of visiting her; but each time he'd decided not to. A large part of him still wanted her to make the realization on her own that they were meant to be; he didn't want to have to talk her into coming back, he wanted her to want to do it all on her own.

His thoughts were so lost in Blair that when he heard a splash down below he almost jumped out of his skin. Realizing that it was probably just Serena going for a swim he glanced down towards the pool. Sure enough there was a distinctly female form moving under the water. About to turn to go inside, Chuck froze as the girl he'd thought was his step sibling began to emerge from the water.

The air fled his lungs and he was forced to clutch the banister in support, he felt as though his heart had stopped and time had frozen. His brain was telling him that he must be hallucinating but his heart was telling him that she was real, that Blair Waldorf was in the Hamptons. As soon as Chuck forced himself to breathe and his body regained his senses he ducked below the line of the balcony - Blair was walking towards the house and she would have spotted him only a moment or two later.

Staying hidden Chuck thought about what he was going to do next. Seeing her when he did was like a splash of cold water on his face that had suddenly brought him back down to reality. Blair was here, this was his chance to prove once and for all that they were right together. But in order to do that he wasn't ready to see her, when they ran into each other it had to seem coincidental. Quickly a plan was forming in his head. Tonight he'd go to Lily Pond just as he'd planned; he knew she'd be there and by then he'd be ready to show her how little he'd forgotten and how much he still wanted this, wanted them.

* * *

><p><em>Saturday 11:00pm<em>

Twirling the olive in her martini Blair realized how boring the Hamptons could be before the season really kicked off. She was sitting at her favorite bar in town, drinking her favorite drink yet she was not having a good time. Sure the music was good, the drinks were excellent, and the guys were hot; but what was a great bar without friends to share it with.

This place was flooded with memories for her of summers spent dancing on tables with Serena, holding hands with Nate, and plotting with Chuck. This bar had been a part of her Hamptons experience as much as her bedroom at Serena's and without the non-judging breakfast club to be here with it wasn't nearly as special. The entire bar seemed dimmer without Serena to brighten it up and her heart wasn't racing because Nate or Chuck were near; at this point she would have settled for the company of Dan or Eric, even Jenny would do but she found herself surrounded by complete strangers.

Chuck walked into Lily Pond and began working his way towards the back. If she were here with friends she'd be in the back booths where all the A-list crowd hung out but by herself, he knew she'd be at the bar. Shoving through the crowds he wondered for a moment where all these people had come from. It was too early in the season for the regulars so they must all be clueless tourists or townies; neither of which was an appealing prospect.

Blair shifted her shoulders in discomfort feeling her back arch outside of her control. She'd just had the strangest feeling begin to come over her. Turning she glanced over her right shoulder, it felt like someone was watching her. Shaking her head slightly she nearly jumped out of her skin as a man appeared to her left. "You startled me." Blair spoke, not an ounce of forgiveness in her voice regardless of the fact that the man in front of her was concentrated gorgeous.

"Sorry babe, I was wondering if I could buy you a drink?" He asked, flashing some cash and a too perfect grin.

Blair gave a disgusted smirk in his direction that he clearly seem to think was a smile as he ordered her another of what she was having. As soon as her drink got there she began to stand, feeling a disconcerting prickling working its way up her spine. Either this guy was really freaking her out or there was something seriously giving her vertigo. She could feel her heartbeat beginning to race, what the hell? She thought as she glanced quickly around the room.

Chuck watched as Blair stood, clearly about to walk away from the gentleman who'd bought her a drink. He'd been contemplating intervening in the situation but she seemed as though she had it handled, so instead he waited, paying no heed to the multitude of women that were unsuccessfully trying to gain his attention.

"Where are you heading so fast?" The man asked wrapping an arm around her petite waist as the brunette before him stood.

Sidestepping him immediately, Blair practically snarled. "You asked if you could buy me a drink, not if I would suffer a conversation with you." Facing the other direction, she knew the man must be stunned but as she couldn't care less. She needed to get out of here. She must have had too much sun today because her body felt like it was on fire. Flipping around quickly she started to move towards the exit, barely noticing her martini sloshing out of her glass because her body had stopped moving just as suddenly as it had started.

It hadn't taken 5 seconds after she had turned for her eyes to meet his regardless of the fact that the night club was ostentatiously overcrowded. Chuck didn't look away, he remained focused, his jaw straight, his countenance serious.

All the air in Blair's lungs fled the moment her eyes locked with his as an outstanding level of clarity washed through her veins. The portrait, the newspaper, the missing book, the constant feeling that someone had been in the house with her and here the tingles that had been shooting up her spine - it had all been Chuck.

He wasn't consciously walking but Chuck recognized that he was moving closer to Blair. Coming to a stop only a foot away from her his entire body seemed to vibrate with electricity as though it yearned to reach out and connect with her.

The questions swarmed Blair's mind. Had Serena known he'd be here? Did Serena set all this up? Those questions were both answered with a resounding no; which meant most likely no one knew they were both out here. Had he even known she'd be here? She wondered. From his eyes she gathered that he wasn't surprised to see her but there was still a dose of shock and awe. From this she deduced that he hadn't known she was coming to the Hamptons but he had realized that she was here before she realized he was here.

Chuck felt as though he couldn't move; probably couldn't even speak and yet he felt his mouth begin to move on its own. "Breathe." He spoke his voice gentle.

Surprised, Blair realized that it had only been a minute since she'd locked eyes with Chuck and she'd been subconsciously holding her breath ever since. Inhaling, she sucked in oxygen so quickly it made her dizzy. Losing her balance for a moment she stumbled.

Immediately Chuck reached out to steady her, placing his hands on her bare shoulders. The second his skin made contact with her own a violent fiery heat rushed from the contact point through the rest of his body. He knew she felt it too as her head snapped up and her eyes found his. The feeling was excruciating and yet he couldn't stop touching her.

Blair's hand was in his hair before she could even comprehend what she was doing and she'd smashed his lips onto hers in seconds. When he'd placed a hand on her it had sent a shockwave through her body like a pressure was building up inside of her. Two years worth of pressure that was building rapidly with each passing moment. It was painful, it felt as though she was going to explode and she had to do something, anything, to change that.

As she pressed her lips against his it was like the night of her 20th Birthday when they'd had sex on the piano, every emotion, every thought, every yearning she'd been repressing for the past two years burst forth.

Chuck's hands grasped tightly to her hips, drawing her body flush against his. His mouth hungrily attaching itself to hers as the fire spread throughout his body electrifying every nerve he possessed. He couldn't touch enough of her, he wanted to mark her as his and never go back.

Blair pressed herself into Chuck, her hands grasping everywhere as her mouth opened to him. Pulling back just far enough to gasp for air, Blair's eyes met Chuck's. In them she could see the animal intensity there and knew it was probably reflected in her own. Moving her mouth to his ear, he could feel her breath hot against him. "Take me home Chuck." She spoke barely a whisper.

He wanted to pick her up and carry her; anything to keep her close. Instead he nodded, put his hand in hers, and began to lead her out of the bar. As they walked every once in a while he'd turn and his lips would find hers and they'd pause for a moment because their lips touching seemed to be the only way to stop the flames from eating him alive. His heart was pounding so loudly he knew she had to be able to hear it.

Blair was in a daze, this wasn't real, this couldn't be real. She knew she was following Chuck, everything around her blurring together as she did. And even though she knew she shouldn't be doing this, nothing had ever felt so right. She couldn't let go, not when she felt awake and alert for the first time since leaving New York. Reaching the car she knew must be Chuck's she saw the surprise on Arthur's face, giving her a nod of acknowledgement she slid into the back seat followed closely by Chuck.

As soon as the door was shut, Chuck's lips were on hers once again. He didn't tell Arthur where to take him, the man had known them both long enough to know. Though as his hands began to travel up Blair's legs under her dress he wished for the first time that he'd brought the limo instead. There was a certain amount of discretion required in the back of a town car.

Gasping for air, Blair paused only to pull herself more closely against Chuck's frame. She was impatient, she wanted to be home now, she wanted him inside her because she knew if she felt awake and alive now that being together again would be so much more. Sliding against his body, she rotated her hips just enough to tease him, eliciting a hiss from his lips. She smiled as she wrapped her fingers more tightly in his hair.

_**Feel the wood grain on the floor  
><strong>__**Passion burns behind the door**_

Leaning in Chuck found her mouth again kissing her as though he were drowning and she was the only thing that could provide him with oxygen. His entire body was quivering with want by the time they finally reached the house. He didn't wait for Arthur to open the door, instead he thrust it outwards before wrapping Blair in his arms and lifting her, carrying her out of the car with him. The last thing he wanted in that moment was to stop touching her and this ensured he didn't have to.

_**Crying out. Pull me inside.  
><strong>__**Silhouettes they shine, baby we're on fire**_

Blair moved her kisses to his jaw as she wrapped her arms around his neck, allowing Chuck to carry her into the house and up the stairs as though they were newlyweds. There was something so safe and secure about being in his arms, he held her as though she were the most precious thing in the world, yet his grasp as well as his affections implored that he knew that she wouldn't break. She could sense the moment he pushed the door to her room open and as he did she tilted her head up to look at him.

When Blair's eyes met his, Chuck almost froze. She did it as he was about to lay her down on the bed and in that moment something happened. It was as though they were themselves and yet they weren't. An understanding seem to course between them along with the almost painful energy that had been flowing since the moment they'd touched. They were themselves and yet they were so much more.

_**I feel the blood rushing from my heart to the tip of my veins  
><strong>__**Baby we're drowning, let the sweat carry us away**_

Blair felt a tremble move throughout her body as her gaze locked with Chuck's. She could feel her body resting lightly on the bed with his arms still around her. But both of them were staring at each other with unwavering wide eyed gazes. So many thoughts were moving between them through their eyes. She could see how much he'd missed her, how much he'd longed for her every moment she'd been away from him. And in turn she felt the agony of the decision she'd made two years before and in that moment she didn't care. Her heart needed this, it needed to be with him; she couldn't stop.

_**There's nothing like the thought of feeling so reckless  
><strong>__**I'm caught in the undertow, don't let go**_

Withdrawing one of his hands Chuck laid her gently onto the bed and began to unbutton his button-down, his eyes never leaving hers. As he finished he felt rather than saw her hands on his chest running her fingers up and pushing the shirt off his shoulders. With that he moved over her, supporting himself with his arms as they moved themselves further onto the bed.

Blair's lips were tingling as she wanted to press hers against his but she couldn't seem to bear to look away for even one moment. Slowly she drew her arms up and over her head, knowing that Chuck would understand.

_**Maybe I've lost, but baby I'm found  
><strong>__**Now that we're flying high, I never want to come back down**_

Never breaking eye contact, Chuck moved himself lower over her, rising to his knees and finding the hem of her dress. Fingers grazing her thighs he almost teasingly moved the fabric up her body revealing her skin inch by inch. He smirked feeling her body begin to move in frustration yet still he refused to look away. Their movements were almost in direct opposition to their earlier passionate fury, they were deliberate, they were steady. It was as though they needed this slow movement to prove that they weren't simply going to combust.

Reaching her hands forward, Blair found Chuck's belt, undoing it and removing it before doing the same to his pants. Each of them accommodating the other as they removed their clothing. When Blair's hands stilled once more she was aware that he had removed her bra and she his boxers and the only thing that remained between them was her La Perla underwear.

_**I can hear you breathe, feel your energy  
><strong>__**As I watch our worlds collide**_

Cradling her face in his hands Chuck brought his own so close to hers that their noses brushed one another yet still his eyes had not left hers. "I love you."

The passion inside of Blair awoke once more as she felt elation at the truth his words carried; but it wasn't just his words it was his gaze, his every movement. How could he still love her after she'd left him? She asked herself as she saw her eyes reflected in his own. But even as she asked she knew because she felt it too. There was a cord that seemed to stretch between them linking them to each other. "I love you." She replied her voice never wavering.

_**Just like a drug, I'm addicted to you now  
><strong>__**Damn I feel so alive**_

"You are everything. You will always be everything." He spoke eyes shining with the love he still felt for her. "Everything." He repeated with an intensity he'd almost forgotten he knew how to feel.

In that moment she knew that she was. She could feel the truth of his words, could see that she was his life, the answer to every unspoken question, the only thing he felt he couldn't lose. "All I want, all I need, is you." She spoke knowing he and he alone knew the significance of those words. "Forever." She added more certain than she'd ever been about anything in her life.

_**Feel the sunlight creeping in  
><strong>__**Trace the outline of your skin**_

Swallowing tightly Chuck felt a chill go down his spine. The want and need that coursed within him were so strong that it amazed him that he didn't simply combust. But ever so slowly he broke eye contact, moving downwards until his lips were right at the line of her underwear. He heard her gasp and felt her back arch as he placed a kisses along the simple line of where the fabric met her skin. Smirking only slightly he glanced up at her before ever so calmly tugging down her La Perla's.

_**Lipstick red is all over my sheets  
><strong>__**Crazy your desire is calling right back to me**_

Gasping Blair felt herself lift for him, easing the task that Chuck seemed so intent on relishing. Her body was beginning to shake as every movement of his skin against hers sent shockwaves to her center. She felt as though she could scream at any moment as the tingles swept through her as his fingers ran tracks down her legs. Relief flooded her as she finally felt the only remaining fabric between them slip off her feet.

_**I feel the blood rushing from my heart to the tip of my veins  
><strong>__**Everytime I look into your eyes girl I feel so far away**_

Chuck paused for a moment, looking up at Blair from his place near the foot of the bed. He was amazed at how little she'd changed and how very perfect she was. Beginning to work his way back up her body Chuck teased her with the softest of kisses along her inner thighs. He could feel heat pulsating from her as he neared her center and when his lips worked their way around her most sensitive place he heard her breathing quicken. A smirk on his lips he brought his mouth to her in a way he knew would make her release the scream she'd been holding back.

_**There's nothing like the thought of feeling so reckless?  
><strong>__**Caught in the undertow, Don't let go**_

"Chuck" She gasped, the sounds leaving her body out of her control. She grasped the headboard with one hand and the pillows behind her head with the other as she felt herself surrender control to him. As something inside of her seemed to explode she felt him continue, drawing further screams and sighs of pleasure from her core. Unable to take any more of this strange mixture of pleasure and pain Blair's hands dropped to find his head which she pulled upwards to meet her own.

_**Maybe I've lost, but baby I'm found  
><strong>__**Now that we're flying high, I never want to come back down**_

Chuck moved willingly as she tugged tightly on his hair, he'd wanted to give her something before he let go of any semblance of control, now that he had, he was more than ready to comply with her wishes.

"Please." She practically begged into his ear as she grasped his hair with one hand and ran her other hand down his side and to his hip. Slipping her hand between them she barely brushed his hardness but she could feel it jump at the contact drawing her hand back upwards she held her hand on the side of his face and repeated her words while looking directly into his eyes. "Please."

_**I can hear you breathe, feel your energy  
><strong>__**As I watch our worlds collide**_

Gaze locked with hers once more it was as though the world had suddenly been set right again. Everything from the past two years had been some kind of cruel alternate universe and this was the way that things were supposed to be. He didn't want to waste anymore time not touching her, not feeling her with his entire body. Chuck's movements were so quick and precise as his mouth swooped forward, lips finding hers.

Blair could taste herself on his lips and moaned as a deep current of joy flowed through her, every inch of her. Her hands locked around the back of his neck, feeling the firmness of the muscles there more substantial than she had remembered. She could feel his hands under her, moving up her back, through her long thick hair. Every touch was complete rapture, so wonderful and precious it left her dizzy.

_**Just like a drug, I'm addicted to you now  
><strong>__**Damn I feel so alive**_

Chuck moved away for only a moment, bringing his lips to her ear. "Stay with me." He whispered, his voice a low rumble filled with need. His face had grown tense, his kisses hungrier and more desperate.

"Always." Blair replied as she brought her lips to his once more. Arching her back she tilted her head upwards, adjusting together in time as his hand on her thigh moved ever so slightly and he pressed inward.

_**I can barely stand**_

His whole body ached with the desire he felt for her in this and every moment. It had been so long since he'd felt this, so long since he'd been with any woman, not since her. Moving his hips forwards he felt her tightness, felt as she adjusted to him. He could feel her body quake against him and as he pushed in to the hilt he realized that a connection he'd forgotten he knew how to feel was there, the way they moved against one another was so in tune that it was as though they were one person.

_**Maybe I've lost, but baby I'm found  
><strong>__**Now that we're flying high, I never want to come back down**_

Blair felt her body alive with something that seemed foreign to her yet at the same time felt so familiar. Time had washed from her memory the intensity of how it felt to be with Chuck. The love that connected them burned so brightly that she couldn't focus on any one thing. Her senses were overwhelmed, every touch, every taste, and the intensity of what she felt as they joined together shook her.

Bringing his lips back to hers he felt fire rushing through his veins. Every nerve ending in his body was electrified with the passion he was feeling for her as his tongue slipped inside her mouth and he thrust his hips forwards. His hands were everywhere all at once, in her hair, along her body.

_**I can hear you breathe, feel your energy  
><strong>__**As I watch our worlds collide**_

Blair's nails clawed into his back as Chuck moved inside of her. She felt a passion surge through her body as their pacing quickened and this tightening of her nails into him was all she could do to hold herself together. She was aware of every nerve in her body and for the first time since leaving him she felt truly alive.

Time seemed to become obsolete as he slowed his strokes making them longer and slower as they both neared release. When they came together they were once more looking into each other's eyes and he saw reflected there everything he'd wanted over the past two years, he saw home.

_**Just like a drug, I'm addicted to you now  
><strong>__**Damn I feel so alive**_

* * *

><p>"Wait you slept together?" Dan asked eyes wide as he pressed pause on the recorder.<p>

Blair rolled her eyes. "Of course we slept together Humphrey, where'd you think I was going with this?"

Dan shook his head, trying to shake the surprise. "I don't know . . . I guess I was thinking maybe you two had talked or fought or something."

Blair scoffed as she shook her head. "When have Chuck and I ever been ones for talking?"

"You have a point." Dan said as he laughed lightly. "But what about Austin? He was the guy you're talking about right?"

Pressing her lips together Blair gave him a pointed look. "Austin and I were on hold; but I'll get to that later. Now do you want to hear this or not?"

Dan almost laughed again but he saw the serious look in Blair's eyes and made his own facial expression more subdued. "Of course." With that he turned back on the recorder and she continued.

* * *

><p>So, this is the first of three chapters centered on the Hamptons. Originally it was only a single chapter but with everything going on in the show I needed some ChuckBlair love so it got an extension to three chapters. Hope you've enjoyed it so far. xoxo kate

Reviews are always appreciated.


	9. What Happened in the Hamptons Pt II

As promised, here's the next relatively quick update, I hope you all enjoy what I definitely consider to be C/B fluff. We all need it right now!

To my reviewers: **SouthernBelle88, Bran, PaintaPicture, Stella296, wrighthangal, Sharry, CarolinaGirl21, Nikki, malcb, theghostqueen, Krazy4Spike, Iz, LitPrincess2787, Leah, Bibstick95, LeftWriter224, AquarianAir, annablake, kosoul7, GGfanficfan09, and LovelyLydia**. Thank you for the fantast reviews, I'm sorry if I haven't responded to yours yet, know that I'll be making a serious effort to do that tomorrow!

Rating: A high T.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

To my beta: ggff-fan you are amazing as per usual.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 8: What Happened in the Hamptons, Part II<strong>

_Sunday Morning_

Blair stretched, feeling her body crack as she did. She smiled when she felt the warmth next to her because she remembered everything that had happened last night. It was almost surreal and a part of her seemed unable to accept it as reality. Turning she noted that Chuck was still sleeping. Placing her hand against his face she felt as though everything in her life was simple and complete.

Chuck's eyes fluttered open as he felt Blair's hand against his face. His dreams had been filled with her and he'd been praying the past minute that those dreams had been real. Opening his eyes to see her there lying with him in bed was one of the happiest moments of his existence. The smile on his face said what words never could.

Leaning forwards, Blair placed a single kiss on his lips before pulling back. "Good morning." She couldn't help the smile that crept onto her face.

Chuck leaned back in giving her a longer, deeper kiss. It was as though he was floating on air, nothing above him, nothing below him. He'd never felt so good. The whole room was bathed in a warm glow and she was here with him. He was at ease. "Good morning." He replied, his voice a low rumble.

Blair's heart fluttered as she met Chuck's gaze and their eyes seemed to communicate with one another. Neither of them seemed to believe that this could possibly be happening but she was the one who finally voiced their thoughts. "Is this real?"

Chuck almost laughed. He'd been content to do nothing more than stare at her - he could stare at her for hours, but his heart echoed her spoken sentiment so he rested his forehead against hers and spoke. "Yes, it's real."

Blair nodded and smiled, relaxing her body against his and they remained there for some time, simply taking one another in as they bathed in the late morning light. Only after the sun began to slip into the sky and ceased to warm their tangled bodies Blair finally spoke. "How about some breakfast?"

Chuck nodded lightly. "Do you have a particular place you want to order from? I don't think we have any of the meal preparations employees here yet."

At that Blair smiled brightly, remembering for the first time since their encounter that they'd been apart for two years. "We don't, I was going to make it."

Laughter filled the room and vibrated against her as Chuck's chest rumbled. Blair had said the last thing that he expected her to say. "You don't cook." He barely managed.

Blair bit her lip, a smile still lighting her face. "Actually I do now. I'm surprisingly quite good."

Eyes wide, Chuck traced the edge of her jaw and smiled. "Now this I have to see."

Blair sat up in the bed bringing Chuck with her. As she did she looked at him and smirked. "How do you want your eggs?"

Chuck couldn't contain his amazement as he watched Blair place the toast on his plate before passing it to him over the counter. He'd been watching for the past thirty minutes as she practically danced around the kitchen, robe sometimes slipping open to reveal her lingerie beneath. It was obvious she knew what she was doing as she tossed ingredients together and simultaneously prepared crab, poached eggs, hollandaise sauce, and some type of roasted potatoes. Now he was almost scared to eat it, after all since when did Blair know anything about cooking?

Blair smiled as she watched Chuck gaze almost suspiciously at the food she'd prepared. She'd gone a bit above what she would normally do for breakfast but she'd seen the look in his eyes earlier, he didn't think she could do this. She always rose to a challenge in style. He'd asked for poached so over the past half hour she'd prepared her very favorite breakfast recipe, Crab Benedict with some of the things she'd picked up at the store yesterday. "I rushed the Hollandaise sauce just a bit but I think it should be fine." She spoke as she prepared her own plate.

Taking his fork Chuck moved to take his first bite. He was still wary because Blair of all people had cooked this but it looked absolutely amazing. As he took a bite he could barely comprehend what he was tasting, it was heavenly. Setting his fork down, he savored it before shaking his head at her in amazement. "If I hadn't just seen you make this with my own eyes, I wouldn't have believed it."

Blair smiled cockily as she began to eat her own, extremely satisfied with the final product. "When I first moved I was desperate to find something to occupy my time so that I didn't think about everything. I took a cooking class at this specialty store called _A Southern Season_ and kind of fell in love."

Chuck shook his head slightly as he continued to eat. He knew what the natural question was in this situation but everything was just so comfortable and normal right now that he didn't want to spoil it by mentioning that he knew where she'd been for the past two years so instead he told a lie by omission. "So you've been in the south? Was it a different world?"

Blair could see the curiosity in Chuck's gaze and the easiness that had fallen between them so quickly seemed to take control as she spoke. "Life was slower. People were strangely nice. It took a while to get used to it but I'm going to miss it."

"Miss it?" Chuck asked, even though he already knew. She'd just graduated.

Blair nodded as she took another bite of her food, trying to decide then just how forthcoming she wanted to be. "I finished my undergrad at Duke a few weeks ago. My parents and Serena came down for graduation." Dan had come too but she didn't actually feel like she should tell Chuck that, at least not now. Or the fact that she would have invited Nate if he hadn't been out of the country with his grandfather.

Chuck nodded, he actually hadn't known that. It made sense though. Supposedly Serena had been in Paris a few weeks back but that was clearly the time when she'd been at Blair's graduation. "I've been taking classes at Columbia." He spoke, tactfully changing the subject.

Blair's eyebrows rose and internally she felt instantly calmed. Their conversation had been heading in a precarious direction but Chuck could see that as well as he ever could and had instead turned the spotlight on himself. "Aren't you still CEO of Bass? How are you managing both?"

Chuck grinned as a mild blush shot across his cheeks. "It's been sporadic, with me taking classes at strange times, usually I'm only enrolled in two at once but last fall I did four. It's taken some time but I'll have a degree by next May."

"I'm proud of you." Blair spoke sincerely as she met his gaze head on.

Chuck could feel himself slipping inside of her gaze and everything else just seemed to melt away. When he spoke his voice was distracted because all he could actually think about was how much he wanted her. "Did you have plans for today?"

Blair shook her head though she couldn't stop looking at Chuck. She could feel a heat rising from her gut and spreading throughout her body that had her completely distracted. "Nope, I was probably just going to head to the beach." She spoke absentmindedly.

"Do you want to head there?" Chuck asked as he leaned in, his face nearing her own as his voice dropped lower. He watched as her tongue swiped across her lip removing any trace of the breakfast they'd just eaten. He stood there fixated on her now moist lips as he tried not to think about how much he hoped she didn't want to go to the beach.

Blair shook her head as she brought her face next to his and spoke quietly. "I've got a better idea." She said as she wrapped her fingers in his and began leading him towards the stairs.

* * *

><p><em>Monday<em>

"Can you put some sunscreen on my back?" Blair asked as she passed Chuck the bottle.

Chuck grinned devilishly as he positioned himself over her, cool lotion in his hands. He was all too willing to acquiesce this request as he'd been aching to touch her since they'd arrived at the all too public beach about thirty minutes ago. Determined to get a rise out of her, he began to work his fingers, softly rubbing the lotion into her back.

Blair smiled as Chuck's hands began to rub gentle circles on her back. She'd known he'd make this sexual but this felt so too good for her to mind.

Smirking, Chuck could feel her muscles relax beneath his able hands and he began working his way further down, under the strap of her bikini, along her sides, down her spine. Her body was perfection and he wanted nothing more than to return to worshiping it, right here, right now.

Blair moaned in surprise as Chuck trailed his thumbs along her spine sending tingles throughout her body. Her entire being began to light up with the fire that they'd been unable to put out over the past few days. Every time they came together it only seemed to grow stronger. "Chuck, that feels . . ."

Chuck paused, leaning down he placed his lips at her ear, careful not to completely remove her sunscreen with his own body. "What dearest?"

Blair groaned at the moisture she felt in a place she shouldn't. They were in public for a reason. They'd been having sex for almost 2 days straight, being in public was supposed to curb that. But damn it she wanted him. Turning her head her lips found his almost immediately. She turned in his arms and pulled him down on top of her, not caring what anyone who saw them might think.

Chuck tugged lightly on her lip as he kissed her furiously. He couldn't stop his hands from moving across her body, he just couldn't get enough of her.

Gasping for air, Blair pulled back ever so slightly before forcing words out of her mouth. "Let's get back."

Nodding Chuck pulled her quickly to their feet and they grabbed their things, stuffing them in bags without looking before practically running back up the beach towards the access point.

When they arrived home they didn't even make it upstairs as their clothing began to fly off the moment their door was closed. "Shower?" Blair asked, as she removed her sundress between brief breaks in kissing him.

Chuck shook his head, kissing her harshly as they backed into the living room. "Too far." He muttered against her mouth.

"Pool?" Blair suggested, knowing that anything without water was currently unacceptable as their bodies were covered with sand and sunscreen.

Chuck's eyes seemed to light up as he continued to back her through the living room and out onto the pool deck. "Hot tub." He replied smirking into her lips. "Definitely the hot tub."

"Much better than the beach." Blair spoke against his lips as she pulled a very naked Chuck Bass into the hot water with her. Oh yes, they were done with public beaches for the foreseeable future.

It was hours later before Chuck and Blair tried again to venture into the world of real people. Dinner was good, they had to eat food right? So they'd gone to Blair's favorite Hampton's restaurant, The Palm. The seafood and steak here were to die for, something both of them had always agreed on, so it seemed like the perfect place for them to grab a bite to eat. The problem lay in the fact that neither of them could seem to stop touching the other.

Blair's leg jerked from the spark that shook her as she accidentally touched Chuck's with her own. Blushing furiously at the intense rush of warmth that she felt she quickly took a bite of her Sesame Seared Ahi Tuna. "How's your crabcake appetizer?"

Chuck's knee was bouncing under the table as he tried to focus on anything other than the heat that seemed to emanate from Blair's very being. "Good." Chuck spoke curtly, doing his best not to let his leg brush against hers again. How could it have only been thirty minutes since their arrival. It felt like it had been hours. "Would you like to try it?"

Nodding Blair watched fixated as Chuck placed a bite of the crabcake on his fork and moved it towards her mouth. She noticed immediately that his hand was shaking and instinctively reached out to guide the fork towards her mouth. As their fingers touched, their eyes locked and the fork clattered to the table. "Oh." Blair gasped as she stared down at where it had fallen.

"Here." Chuck said, passing her his plate to let her get her own bite. But as he did she was reaching for the fork he dropped and once again their hands met.

Fumbling on the table trying not to touch each other Blair managed to knock off the salt shaker. "Damn it." She cursed as she began to duck under the table.

"I'll get it." Chuck started at the same time, moving underneath the table as well. Once more their hands met as they reached for the salt shaker and this time as they jerked away they both bumped their heads on the table. "You okay?" Chuck asked as he reached out a hand to steady her.

Blair nodded, finding herself leaning into his hand. "Yeah." She spoke her voice barely above a whisper as she swallowed tightly. She knew they shouldn't be doing this, under the table, in public, but she couldn't seem to help it.

When Blair leaned into him, Chuck could no longer help himself. The contact was sustained for too long. Within one second he had his hands wrapped in her hair and was pressing his lips against hers.

Her mouthed opened, welcoming the contact of his lips on hers and her hands quickly worked their way around his neck. For a moment she forgot they were in public, she forgot that they were Blair Waldorf and Chuck Bass, and she couldn't have been happier.

They had a secluded private booth in the back so Chuck hadn't really put much effort into stopping the kiss after it started until he saw the first sign of feet in his peripheral. Pulling back quickly he moved out from under the table, knowing that Blair would follow his cue and do the same.

"Dropped the salt shaker." Blair spoke with a smile at the waiter as he approached to refill their wine glasses.

The man nodded and gave a brief smile. Her hair was a tumbled mess and the gentleman had lipstick smeared across his lips and jaw. "Of course." He replied, moving to fill Chuck's glass.

Sparing a brief glance at Blair, Chuck looked up at the waiter. "Actually, can we get our meal to-go?"

Blair practically sighed in relief that they were on the same page and nodded to support Chuck. "Yes, you see we've just remembered a very important engagement."

Once more the man nodded and replied. "Of course." Smirking as he turned to walk away he couldn't help but think, _engagement my ass, _and be just a tad bit envious.

Four hours later as Blair sat down at the bar at Lily Pond she couldn't help but wonder what the hell they were thinking. Chuck's hand was currently resting lightly on her back as he stood by her, procuring them both a couple of drinks. They were here because she'd wanted to dance. Surely after the beach incident and the restaurant fiasco they couldn't possibly want eachother enough that they couldn't simply go dancing at her favorite club. In response to that though Blair downed her first drink.

Chuck lifted an eyebrow at Blair's rapid consumption of alcohol before signaling the bartender that they each needed another beverage. Passing it to her he spoke in a low voice. "We don't have to stay here you know."

Blair nodded curtly. "I know, I want to be here."

Chuck shrugged. She'd been insistent that they try going out again tonight. He'd been fine with giving up and just staying in but he could tell that the lack of self-control he seemed to bring out in her had an effect on her pride. So he had agreed and would now do his best to refrain from persuading her to simply return home.

Taking the second drink from Chuck, Blair slipped her free hand into his and laced their fingers together. "Come on, let's dance." She spoke, pointedly ignoring the flames that seemed to lick up her arms at the simple contact of moving hand in hand with him.

Allowing her to lead him to the dance floor, Chuck couldn't help but smile. It had been a long time since he'd danced like this with anyone. The way he saw it, this kind of contact was reserved strictly for Blair and he'd almost forgotten how good he actually was. Though the way they were dancing seemed to violate the very act of them being here in public. He was allowing his hands to tentatively explore her body, brushing along her sides and over her hip as she moved her body against his. He was surprised when he felt her move even closer to him.

Blair felt herself get lost in dancing with Chuck as she always seemed to do. Everything else seemed to melt away until it was just the two of them together in the room. Other bodies were jostling theirs but all she could feel was Chuck's hand on her hip and the other on her upper thigh and it felt so right.

Chuck couldn't help but think that no other girl had ever fit with him so perfectly on or off the dance floor and that none ever could. Something about the way they moved their bodies perfectly in sync was telling of their chemistry in their relationship. He found himself bending close to her neck and inhaling her scent.

The hairs on the back of her neck stood up at Chuck's proximity and Blair didn't even realize as she tilted her head towards him. Something about Chuck was drawing her in, in a way that she couldn't begin to explain. It was like there was a magnetic pull between his mouth and hers as she blindly searched for his lips.

Chuck felt Blair's movement as her head turned toward him, he felt her searching for him as they continued to move on the dance floor and regardless of whether or not they were in public, regardless of the fact that they were trying to be good, he couldn't help but place his lips on hers.

The second their lips touched a spark illuminated shooting a fire through Blair that had begun when she'd first clasped his hand in hers. Turning her body to face Chuck her arms snaked their way around his neck, her fingers wove themselves into his hair and she pulled him ever closer, deepening the kiss.

He drank her in, hungrily, urgently, needing the contact, the pressure of her lips against his, her arms around him, their bodies intertwined. He wanted her and his body was responding to that want. He could feel her heartbeat quickening, her breathing shallow and all he wanted was her.

Instantly Blair felt as though she had completely lost control, her senses were in overdrive, she felt everything, every touch, every taste, every smell and it consumed her wholly. And suddenly she couldn't breathe. Blair pulled back, removing her hands from their position around Chuck's neck and letting them slide down to his chest. She looked up to meet his eyes, still breathless as she tried to form coherent words. "Wait."

Chuck looked down into her eyes before moving his hips across hers. "I'm not sure how much longer I can." He spoke huskily as his hardness brushed against her center.

The moment she felt him move against her Blair knew they were both lost. They didn't have the willpower to make it all the way home, there was no way. "Bathroom, now." She hissed, allowing him to lead the way.

The moment the door slammed shut she was pressing her body against his. She was thankful the bathroom had been empty, more so that it could be locked. Pressing against him she moaned as he flipped her around and pushed her back against the door.

Chuck had her legs hiked up and wrapped around his hips within seconds as he devoured her lips with his. Moving his lips to her neck he felt her fingers tighten in his hair as she began to gasp loudly.

"No more going out." Blair managed through her pleased exclamations as Chuck began to position himself at her entrance.

"Deal." Chuck responded huskily as he thrust inside of her. As much as he loved public sex, this was enough, clearly they couldn't handle going anywhere; but honestly he didn't mind.

* * *

><p>Tuesday<p>

"We haven't left the house all day." Chuck spoke as he relaxed in one of the sitting rooms of the house, affectionately known as the Media Room. This had turned into their room of choice over the past few days due to the awesome surround sound they could enjoy while they watched (or didn't watch) a variety of movies; much as it had been a favorite of theirs growing up.

Blair exhaled, leaving her head laying against Chuck's chest. It hadn't been very long since they'd had sex and both of them were still sticky with sweat and physically drained. "I know." She said, though she didn't particularly seem to care. She was vaguely aware of "Don't You Forget About Me" playing in the background and assumed the credits were rolling on The Breakfast Club.

Chuck looked around the room at the takeout boxes from today before looking back at Blair. "Do you want to go to dinner?" His voice had a dazed quality to it as though he wasn't completely focused on the conversation.

Blair shrugged lightly. She didn't really care to leave and she could tell that he didn't either. "I could make something here."

Chuckling Chuck pressed a kiss to the top of Blair's head. "Remember lunch?"

Blair couldn't help but laugh herself as she thought back to earlier in the day when she'd tried to fix a simple chicken pot pie for lunch, but it hadn't really worked out like that.

_"Chuck!" Blair exclaimed as she felt his breath tickling her neck. He was making it impossible for her to fix their lunch as he couldn't seem to keep his hands off her. She wasn't even making something complicated, it was just chicken pot pie._

_Chuck laughed lowly against her shoulder while allowing his hands to slip over her hips and hook on her thighs, tugging her back against him. _

_Blair could feel her body heating up as her head subconsciously leaned back onto his shoulder. "Chuck…" She spoke again, this time with a pleading tone to her voice. _

_Smirking, Chuck flipped her around and pressed her back against the counter. His mouth was hot on hers as their lips furiously came together, tongues intertwining. _

_Blair could hear herself moan into his mouth and felt his hardness press against her. Any thoughts of the lunch she'd been making fled her mind as Chuck seemed to overwhelm her senses. _

_Chuck tugged hungrily at her clothing as he grasped her buttocks and lifted her onto the counter itself, never breaking their kiss. Blair's legs locked around his waist as they began to devour each other in the middle of the kitchen. _

_Kissing Chuck passionately as though she'd been doing anything else for the past few days, Blair began to lose herself until she felt her body rock against the bag of flour still sitting on the counter type. She knew it was falling before it did but by the time she broke to grab for it, it was too late. _

_The fine white powder filled the air and covered their clothing and their bodies as Chuck and Blair stood frozen. Laughter over took them as he tried to kiss her only to taste the heavy flour on their lips. Giggling Blair pulled back and rested her forehead against his. "I think we're going to need a shower." _

_"Mmhmm." Chuck affirmed as his lips sought her neck. _

_It was then, as Chuck began to pull her off the counter that she caught a whiff of something else. "OH GOD!" She exclaimed pushing herself the rest of the way off the counter and running towards the oven. _

_Chuck turned his head curiously at first, seeing that Blair was grasping for a potholder. He couldn't help but think she looked adorable, flour doting her skin as she bent down to open the oven. It was as she did that he remembered what she'd been doing when they'd started making out. "Shit." He muttered as she flung the oven open and stepped back. _

_Blair's eyes stung with tears as smoke filled the air around them, pouring out from the oven. Grabbing the pot pie she quickly dropped it on top of the stove. Oven turned off she turned back to Chuck. "I guess we're going to be ordering out." _

Blair smiled again. "True, let's order out."

Nodding Chuck began to trace her jaw with one finger, tilting it up to meet his gaze. "Are we going to Lily Pond tonight?"

Raising one eyebrow, Blair didn't even warrant that statement with words. She felt as though they'd learned their lesson last night.

Chuck laughed at her expression, he supposed she was right. Having sex in public bathrooms wasn't really either of their style but they'd gotten so out of control at the club last night that they hadn't made it home before ripping one another's clothes off.

Blair simply shrugged before tucking her body closer to Chuck's. "What would be the point anyway? There's no one I'd rather spend my time with than you. The crowds are just whatever."

Smiling, Chuck wrapped his arms around her slight form, content with the feeling of having her in his arms again.

* * *

><p><em>Wednesday<em>

Blair screamed as she ran through the house, a soaking wet Chuck hot on her heels. She was laughing even as she knew he gained ground on her.

The past few days had passed in a dizzying haze of happiness; most of which had been spent in the some form of undress. Sure they'd tried to go out at first, but they'd quickly learned there was only so much you could do in public.

Today, however, Chuck had been insistent on taking her out for dinner, which is how they'd gotten in this situation they were in right now, Blair thought as she swung around the corner and into another room of the house. Shrieking she thought back to a few minutes earlier when Chuck had come outside to where she'd been relaxing by the pool.

_"Blair, come on, we're going to miss our reservation." Chuck spoke as he walked outside onto the deck. He knew she had to be out here, he'd searched the whole house. _

_Blair took a sip of the daiquiri she'd made using the blender in the cabana and relaxed, she knew he'd find her out here eventually. _

_Chuck walked in front of her and crossed his arms. They were both relatively dressed down - he in a pair of kakis and a button up and she in a simple sundress - but this was still more clothing than either of them had worn in days. Sitting on the edge of her lawn chair, Chuck met her gaze through her sunglass, he couldn't actually see her eyes but he could feel it when they locked with his. "We have to leave the house sometime. Besides, aren't you tired of takeout food." _

_She was pouting and she knew it. So sue her, she didn't want to make the journey into town to have dinner with the townies. "Why don't we just get them to deliver it here." She whined as she tilted down her glasses ever so slightly and peered at Chuck over the top. _

_"Blair we talked about this…" Chuck started as he shook his head. They'd both agreed last night that as much as they loved being together eventually they had to leave the house; they hadn't gone past the pool in three days. As much as he loved sex, there had to be a limit eventually . . . Though he hadn't actually found it yet with Blair._

_Sliding her glasses off completely Blair allowed her bottom lip to slip out ever so slightly. "Is it so wrong that I want to keep spending time together, just us." _

_Chuck couldn't help but smile as he reached out and cupped her face with his hand. He knew she was pouting but at the same time he could see a level of seriousness in her eyes. "It's just one meal." He spoke reassuringly, placing the softest of kisses on her lips. _

_"They're glorified townies Chuck." She spoke softly as she allowed him to pull her to a seated position. _

_Chuck exhaled, he knew she wasn't happy about the fact that he'd made dinner plans with the Thorne's, which was of course the crux of the issue tonight. He'd made the reservations to meet with these shareholders when he'd run into Grayson Thorne at the club his first day in the Hamptons. "They live here year round to manage their real estate firm; that does not make them townies." _

_Blair titled up her nose and made a sound of displeasure. She normally didn't mind the Thorne's, in fact, they were probably the youngest shareholders in Bass Industries - no more than 27 - but she just didn't want to share him, not tonight. She almost didn't notice as Chuck reached around behind her but she caught his hand just in time. "Watch where you're putting your hands Mr. Bass." _

_Chuck exhaled in mild frustration even as he smirked. "Blair, give me my cell phone. I need to call Arthur to tell him to bring the car around." Blair shook her head stubbornly and moved the phone just out of his reach; but her focus was so tight on that that she missed Chuck snatch her own phone from the table.  
><em>

_"CHUCK!" She exclaimed as he quickly stood, immediately dialing Arthur's number. She tried to snatch the phone back from him but it was too late, the damage was done. She laughed as she bowed her head ever so slightly as though conceding defeat._

_Chuck tilted his own head in return. "Valiant effort Waldorf, but it's time we leave our castle." As he spoke he handed her back her cell phone, he'd placed the call to Arthur, he didn't need it anymore. _

_"Can't blame a girl for trying." She spoke, leaning in and placing her hands on the collar of his shirt. _

_Chuck smirked as he moved his head downward to capture her lips in his. Realizing too late that Blair was one step ahead of him. He tried to grasp her shoulders in his hands but she was too quick as she had already slipped from his grasp when he realized he was falling. _

_Blair was almost coy as she glanced down at Chuck. "Whoops! Guess we'll have to cancel after all. I'll call them right now." She spoke, picking his phone back up and dialing Grayson's number. "Yes, Mr. Thorne this is Blair Waldorf, I'm afraid that Chuck and I will have to cancel dinner tonight. I do apologize for the short notice we're having some unfortunate . . . Water issues at the house that need taking care of." She improvised, grinning at Chuck who was swimming towards the stairs. "Yes, we'll have to reschedule soon." _

_"BLAIR!" Chuck shouted, only half serious as he began to climb from the pool. _

_Blair had realized a moment too late that he was going to give chase and tossed his phone down as she squealed uncharacteristically and ran inside. _

Laughing now, Blair tried to run down the hall but found her way blocked by an incoming Chuck. She recognized that her choices were limited at this point: back towards the pool or up the stairs. Taking off Blair took the stairs as quickly as she could in her wedges, cursing herself for not first taking off her shoes.

She knew her best shot was to surprise him so she continued up to the third floor by passing the floor that both of them were sleeping on. Laughing she glanced over her shoulder noting that Chuck was catching up to her as she spun down the third floor hallway. It was only a matter of time before-

Chuck grinned as he wrapped his arms around Blair, pulling her dry body tightly to his wet one. "Gotcha." He whispered into her ear, his heart beating quickly as he pulled her into one of the third floor rooms. He wasn't sure he'd ever been up here before, he had no idea what he was getting into.

Blair didn't struggle as she felt Chuck half carrying her into one of the rooms off the hallway. Smiling she relished the feeling of his body pressed up against hers but when they tumbled into the room they gasped. "What the hell?" She asked eyes widening.

Chuck couldn't help the snort that left his mouth as he looked around the room in surprise. "This is . . .wow."

Blair kept blinking trying to make it go away but it didn't and then she realized what she was looking at. "Danish Klaus." She said with an exhale, holding Chuck's hands that were grasped around her. "He was obsessed with …"

"Valentine's Day." Chuck completed as his eyes finally managed to take in the room. The light pink wallpaper was the least of it as there was a giant heart shaped bed in the room with a canopy hanging around it. "Is that a Jacuzzi?" He asked, pointing towards the right side of the room.

Blair nodded. "I'd forgotten this room. Danish Klaus was so many years ago we were like eight. No wonder Serena and I were never allowed up here as kids." Blair spoke with slight disgust. Running from his arms she dove onto the bed laughing as it molded around her. "It's a waterbed." She shouted in surprise.

Chuck laughed before joining her. It wasn't long before they were bouncing around tossing heart shaped pillows at one another. He couldn't believe the happiness that was flooding through him as he pinned her to the bed, clasping each of her arms over her head and pressing his still damp body against hers.

"I surrender!" Blair exclaimed playfully as she tilted her chin up to press her lips against Chuck's.

Chuck met her lips with pressure as he kissed her hungrily. Pulling back he tugged lightly on her lip. "But I've yet to administer punishment for the stunt you pulled."

Fluttering her eye lashes innocently Blair looked up at him, recognizing this game. Chuck shook his head and she knew he meant business. Sighing she relented, bringing a hint of seriousness into her voice. "Brunch. Pierre's. 10am."

Chuck lifted an eyebrow as though debating whether or not he accepted this compromise she was proposing. "I find these terms acceptable. I'll call the Thorne's now." He spoke giving her one last hard kiss before standing to retrieve his phone from down stairs.

As Chuck began to leave the room, Blair pushed herself up on one elbow. "Oh Chuck." She spoke in a voice that was halfway seductive. "I still have to make up for my duplicity."

Chuck turned his head to see that she was standing from the bed. Quirking an eyebrow he smirked as she walked towards him.

"I'll be waiting for you in my room." Walking closer, Blair placed a hand on his shoulder and brought her lips close to his ear. "Naked." She whispered with a smoldering glance over her shoulder before walking past him and down the stairs.

Chuck swallowed at the painful tightening in his still damp kaki's. "Fuck" He muttered under his breath. She was the hottest woman in the world, he thought. Trying to adjust appropriately, Chuck decided his only choice was to hurry.

* * *

><p>Dan could see in Blair's eyes that she was about to switch gears. Until this point in her story he would have wondered how they weren't still together but now he could see the shift. Whatever happened to drive them apart was coming. "Are you certain that you want to do this?" Dan asked without preamble.<p>

Blair nodded. "Of course. I wouldn't be here if I didn't."

Dan pressed his lips tightly together. "You realize that all of this is going to be made public knowledge; granted very few people will know that Bianca is you but that's still a serious unveiling of your personal life."

Blair nodded before giving Dan a look of upmost condescension reminiscent of those she gave him back in high school. "I want to do this Humphrey. I want people to know. I'm tired of hiding behind this façade. I can't handle it anymore, it takes too much work and it's costing me everything."

Dan looked at her for a long moment before he spoke again. "If this is what you want we can keep doing this though I warn you, you're in serious danger of changing your novel into a love story."

Blair scoffed but her features fell back into an easy smirk. "Don't you see Humphrey, it already was. You can't separate my story from Chuck. He is who I am and I mean that in the best possible way."

Shaking his head almost in awe of Blair's strength of conviction Dan couldn't help but smile. "If you're sure then I need to go check on Steph and then we can continue."

Blair gave one curt nod and allowed a smile to slip onto her features. "I'll be right here."

"Okay then." Dan said before standing from the waiting room chair.

* * *

><p>Hope you enjoyed. Reviews are always appreciated.<p>

xoxo - kate


	10. What Happened in the Hamptons Pt III

So this is the final chapter on the Hamptons, sorry it took a bit longer than expected. I have a feeling that though it does give some answers, those answers bear more questions.

To my reviewers: **CarolinaGirl21, Trosev, Stella296, wrighthangal, SouthernBelle88, annablake, bfan, iheartchair, LitPrincess2787, Sharry, Iz, kosoul7, LeftWriter224, GGfanficfan09, BellaB2010, and LovelyLydia **You guys are fantastic as per usual! Hope you enjoy this chapter.

You meet 2 character this chapter **Layne and Grayson Thorne**. Normally I would post links to photos but I think that's still disabled on the site SOO I figured I'd let you know that Layne is a Sophia Bush type and Grayson is more of a Chris Lowell.

**Note to readers of The Reality They Live With**: I haven't abandoned this fanfic I promise, I've just got a bit of writers block on the next chapter. Once I get past that it's pretty well plotted so I should be smooth sailing for awhile.

Many thanks to my beta ggff-fan.

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><p><strong>Chapter 9: What Happened in the Hamptons Part III<strong>

"Alright I'm back. Steph was still asleep as was Rosaliegh." Dan spoke quickly as he took his seat once more.

Blair nodded. "Good, I'm glad they're resting."

"You ready to continue?" Dan asked, the look in his eyes conveying that he knew that they were to the difficult part.

Running a hand from her head Blair smiled sadly. "Let's do this." She spoke softly before taking a sip of water and launching back into her memories.

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><p><em>Thursday<em>

"Layne, this was a fantastic suggestion! These poached eggs are to die for." Blair exclaimed with a polite sparkle in her eye.

Layne Thorne smiled at the young Waldorf. "I'm glad you like them, the new chef here far outdoes the one from last season, especially when it comes to these eggs."

Blair smiled graciously. "I couldn't agree more" As she finished she glanced over at Chuck, locking eyes with him only for a moment. The look they exchanged was charged with the same electricity as the rest of the week had held but this time there was an added air of 'I've still got it' in Blair's gaze.

Chuck smirked at her in return because really it was amazing watching the way that she could work people. Together they were unstoppable. Sliding his hand across the table he placed it upon hers, linking his fingers with hers wordlessly.

Blair felt his hand close over hers and flipped her hand to lace her fingers through his. Smiling she couldn't help the feeling of rightness that seemed to fill her. This was how things were supposed to be. The rest of brunch was a blur of polite comments, engaging conversations, and secret touches and looks from Chuck.

When Chuck looked at her, it was all he could do to contain the affection that he felt. He was bursting with a love so bright that he knew it must radiate throughout the room. His suspicions of such were confirmed as Layne Thorne spoke.

Layne shook her head and smiled as she looked between Blair and Chuck, the couple simply amazed her. "I don't think I've ever seen a young couple as in love as the two of you. I swear it shows in every look the two of you share."

"You and Grayson are the same way." Blair said trying to casually laugh off the statement - it was one thing that she'd never quite managed to handle compliments about.

Grayson lifted an eyebrow and smirked. "No, Layne's right. There's just this absolute certainty that seems to exist between you. I can't quite place my finger on it."

Blair could feel the blush that rose to her checks as she smiled at Layne before glancing over at Chuck. When she did she saw exactly what Layne meant, the warmth between them was practically visible, like a cord tying them together. She was still trying to laugh it off but the seriousness in Chuck's eyes stilled her.

"Soulmates." Layne spoke softly as she looked between them.

It took a moment for Blair to register what words Layne had said as her gaze was still locked with Chuck's but the word seemed to resonate in her head until she turned to look at Layne. "I'm sorry, that was impolite of us."

Layne simply shook her head as she gave Blair what she supposed was a serious smile. "Never apologize for that kind of love Blair." With that she tilted her head to rest on Grayson's shoulder where he turned and placed a kiss on her forehead.

Chuck smiled looking at the older couple then back at Blair. Bringing their interlocked hands to his lips he kissed her hand. He knew he didn't need to say anything. Everything that could be said was communicated through his eyes.

Exhaling, Blair gave Chuck a slight nod of agreement that said she understood him, that she loved him, and that she always would.

It wasn't until later that afternoon as the two couples were shopping that Blair pulled Layne aside under the pretense of helping her with a particularly tricky garment.

Layne looked at Blair curiously but complied as the brunette led her back to the dressing room area. "So which one are we having trouble with?" She asked, though her voice conveyed that she was well aware that Blair would have asked a sales assistant for help if she was actually having trouble.

Pursing her lips Blair tilted her head in observation. "Earlier you called me and Chuck soulmates. What did you mean?" She asked, her voice almost cautious.

Sighing lightly Layne leaned back against the dressing room wall continuing to observe the younger girl. "I meant what I said." She spoke clearly, her words carefully chosen. "I've never seen something so obviously displayed before. It's almost as though the two of you could never be meant for anyone else."

Exhaling Blair looked away. Layne's words were affecting her in ways that she couldn't quite process. This was the first time that someone other than Blair or Chuck had really spoken aloud about the connection that they seemed to share. It gave it more affirmation than anything else ever could and yet it caused all of the old familiar fears to come rushing back to the forefront of her mind.

"What's wrong?" Layne asked curiously. Blair was around five years younger than her, yet sometimes the look in her eyes made it seem as though Blair was actually the older one.

Blair looked at her reflection in the mirror as she spoke, her lips almost trembling. "We're so young." Each word was emphasized as she felt her heart clench painfully. "What if . . .?"

Layne smiled reassuringly. "Things like that don't change. They never go away, never fade." Though as Layne spoke she saw the slight tremble of Blair's chin and recognized the look in her eye. When she spoke again, her voice was surprised. "You're scared aren't you?"

Blair nodded, swallowing tightly. She hadn't been able to voice it so she was glad that Layne had been able to read her.

"You shouldn't be. What you and Chuck have, that's forever" Layne spoke confidently, placing her hands on Blair's shoulders. "Don't let it go." She whispered with a soft squeeze of Blair's shoulders.

Blair could hear the hint of pleading in her voice that alerted her to something she hadn't expected. Turning her head to look away from the mirror and back towards where Layne was standing behind her, Blair spoke. "You sound like you know from experience."

Layne made a split second decision in that moment. Blair needed guidance, she was clearly confused and Layne had the opportunity to help her and even though doing so meant opening up about intensely personal things to a near stranger she felt as though she had to do it. "I do."

"But you and Grayson…" Blair began immediately, completely thrown by this new information.

"Were practically an arranged marriage." Layne completed as Blair turned around completely to face her. Inhaling, Layne readied herself before continuing. "Once, when I was just a little bit younger than you are now, there was a guy who looked at me the way that Chuck looks at you. I lost that and I've missed it every day since."

Blair's lips parted in surprise. Grayson and Layne had always appeared the perfect couple; so in love, so steady, some might even say passionate. How could that be hiding all of this? "Then why?" Blair asked in awe.

Layne smirked sadly. "My parents gave me an ultimatum, my inheritance and Grayson Thorne's hand in marriage or life with a photographer with no real source of income and no inheritance." She could see the lack of understanding in Blair's eyes. The younger girl had been around her long enough to know that Layne wasn't so materialistic and had become confused. Speaking again, Layne clarified. "Don't get me wrong, I love Gray I really do but I've never stopped wondering, what if? That kind of connection's not something you can ever forget."

The two girls were quiet for a moment as Blair took in everything that had been said. When she spoke, her words were carefully selected. "If you could do it over, what would you do?"

Sighing Layne looked away from Blair into the empty space in front of her as though it held the answer to the question she'd been asked; but knowing it didn't she once more looked back. "You know, I ask myself the same question every day." Pausing Layne swallowed, trying her best to give Blair an honest answer. "I took the safe way out in every sense of the word. And I miss that feeling of being alive that I had with him every day."

Blair could hear the implication at the end of Layne's sentence and though the thought of what she knew was coming next made her physically ill, she knew she still had to hear it. "But…you don't regret it do you." She spoke, rather than asked.

Layne shook her head slowly. "No, I don't regret it." Her words were firm yet still calm. "I think no matter how many times I could redo it, I'd always make the safe choice."

Blair exhaled brow furrowed as she began to gather her clothes together. Her brain was working to figure something out what her heart already knew and just before they stepped out of the dressing room she turned her head back to look at Layne. "Grayson wasn't the safe choice because of the money was he." It wasn't a question, she already knew the answer.

Shaking her head, Layne knew that Blair had understood her perfectly throughout the conversation and the look in her eyes made Layne wish she could give her a different answer. "No, he wasn't safe because of the money."

As the girls emerged from the dressing room, Chuck saw a difference in Blair's eyes. There was something new clouding the sparkle that he'd become accustomed to seeing once more. "Is everything okay?" He asked quietly.

Blair nodded, doing her best to comprehend everything she'd learned in the past few minutes. In some ways, Layne's observations validated her feelings yet in others they seemed to confirm her worst fears. "Yeah, I'm just ready to go home."

Chuck nodded understandingly. He could see that something was on her mind but whatever it was they'd figure it out together. "I'll go say goodbye."

Blair nodded before politely making quick gestures of departure before indicating to Chuck that she needed to make a phone call while he wrapped up goodbyes of his own. Stepping away from the group, Blair made a decision. She wasn't a coward, being safe wasn't worth what it would cost her. She was stronger than Layne, she was going to make the right decision.

Swallowing tightly she heard the phone ring, when it clicked that the line had been answered she felt a slight jolt before pushing herself to speak. "Mr. Davidson, this is Blair Waldorf"

"Ms. Waldorf, I hadn't expected to hear from you quite so soon." Mr. Davidson spoke, both surprised and confused. "What you asked for won't be ready for another month, at least."

Inhaling, Blair steadied her voice as she spoke. "Actually I was calling to tell you to put a hold on that."

"Really?" He asked, his raised eyebrows audible in his voice.

Nodding though he couldn't see Blair felt a wash of uncertainty as she spoke but she pushed through it; she wouldn't be weak. "Yes, I'm reconsidering my options. I just wanted to let you know."

Mr. Davidson had heard it all before so he took everything in stride. Years of experience had taught him not to trust rash judgments. "I'll keep you on my calendar for now, be sure to keep me updated."

"That's not necessary, I assure you." Blair spoke ready to hang up the phone.

Shaking his head, Mr. Davidson almost smiled. "Oh Ms. Waldorf, I believe it is."

At his words, Blair once more felt an inkling of doubt; but before she could consider it she felt Chuck's arms wrap around her from behind as he placed a kiss on her neck.

"Ready to head home?" He asked, a soft smile in his voice.

Blair nodded, turning to give him a quick kiss on the lips. "Ready."

* * *

><p><em>Friday<em>

It was Friday evening - a week after arriving in the Hamptons, a day after their morning with the Thorne's. Chuck couldn't help but think that Blair was still a little down after the conversation she'd had with Layne; but she hadn't really wanted to talk about it yet. So he'd wanted to do something for her to reassure her, to let her know that he wasn't going anywhere.

Chuck knew he'd gone above and beyond this time but he'd wanted to, for her. He felt an undeniable need to constantly remind her how much he loved her; after he'd lost her the first time he couldn't help but think he hadn't said it enough. And even though emotionally their relationship felt as strong as it ever had, he had to protect it. He couldn't let her forget even for a moment how much he wanted this.

So just as the stars began to come out, he helped a blindfolded Blair out of the car - he'd wanted everything to be a surprise. Leading her down to the beach he couldn't help but smile as he gave the silk scarf over her eyes a tug, allowing it to fall away.

Blair felt weak in the knees the moment Chuck slipped off the silk scarf he'd tied around her eyes. Today when they came in from a match of tennis at the club and had their showers she'd emerged to find a set of clothes laying on her bed with a note that said to meet him downstairs. Pulling on the outfit she'd known that they must be going outside as it consisted of a pair of tights, riding boots, and a sweater dress - early summer or not, it was still cool out this late at night. She'd been surprised when he'd blindfolded her and began to lead her to the car but now she was floored.

"Do you like it?" Chuck whispered as he held her from behind. He knew he was anxious with anticipation of showing her. It had been a long time since he'd done anything to prove how much she meant to him. In fact, it had been a long time since he'd done any kind of grand gesture at all.

Blair tilted her head to take everything in. "It's incredible." She spoke truthfully as she looked out at the latenight picnic he'd assembled. Blankets covered a portion of the ground with pillows assembled atop them. Candles peppered the sand and a large picnic basket sat there seemingly overflowing with everything imaginable, champagne, fruits, chocolates, cheeses, it looked as though no small detail had been forgotten. "Chuck…" She spoke her voice softer than usually as she saw the littering of peonies around the ground. "You didn't have to do all this."

Leading her over, he helped Blair sit, doing his best to hide the blush on his cheeks that came from the obvious surprise and appreciation on her face. "I wanted to do something special."

Glancing up at him, the lightest gleaming of tears in her eyes. She placed the softest of kisses on his lips before nodding - not questioning him further. Taking a seat she smiled as he instantly produced her very favorites of everything he'd prepared. "Sometimes I think you know me too well."

Chuck smiled and they were fairly quiet as they ate. They didn't need words for this. It wasn't silence, it wasn't guarded, it was simply them being together. After they finished eating Chuck repositioned himself against a couple of pillows and Blair brought her back to rest against his chest. Pulling out a thermos he offered her hot chocolate as he held her against him and they looked out to where the night sky met the ocean.

Blair took a sip of the drink before leaning her head against Chuck's shoulders loving the way his body seemed to form to hers, she sighed contentedly.

Chuck's arms tightened around her as he appreciated this opportunity to simply just be with her. "Tell me about your life." He spoke realizing that as much as this week had been everything to him, he wanted more, he wanted it all.

Closing her eyes Blair seemed to snuggle deeper into his arms. She knew her guard was down and she felt more open that she'd felt in a long time. "There's really not that much to tell. I finished at Duke, I'm going to law school in the fall, for corporate law."

"That always was the plan." Chuck spoke laughing lowly.

Blair smiled as Chuck's laughter vibrated through her. "What about you? What's going on with you?"

Chuck lifted his shoulder, thinking how best to answer her question. "Business has been good, even with the economy things haven't been too slow. The Empire's thriving which spurned an idea for a series of night clubs and luxury resorts with Avalon Cosmetics."

Turning her head slight, Blair lifted an eyebrow, she was familiar enough with Avalon Cosmetics to know their business model - they were all about luxury products that made you feel like a fantasy. "Escapism. That's why you're partnering with them isn't it?"

Chuck smirked, her mind worked as fast or faster than his did. She was consistently two steps ahead of everyone else. "Precisely. They have the namebrand and they are known for their creativity."

"I'm excited for you." Blair spoke sincerely. She could see the spark of happiness in his eyes. This project meant something to him and she could see why. Until now he'd had two major projects that were his and his alone, The Empire and Victrola, this would be the third. Thinking about Victrola she realized that that was likely where the luxury nightclub idea came from to begin with. "How is Victrola?"

Chuck grinned, she always knew his thoughts better than he did. It was incredible. Of course Blair would see the connection to Victrola. When he spoke though his tone was reverent because Victrola meant so much to him, to them both. "Victrola hit a rough patch there for a while." Tilting his head he met her gaze so that she understood exactly what he was saying. "But I'm optimistic."

Blair's smile was tinged with sadness as she met his gaze ever so briefly. She knew from the look in his eyes and the tone of his voice that when he thought of Victrola he thought of her - that the two were inextricably linked.

Resting his forehead against hers Chuck's voice was a low hum. "You don't give up on the things that are important to you - you taught me that. Victrola will always have a second chance with me because it gave me so many second chances of its own."

Blair smiled as she wrapped herself up in his arms. She knew what he was saying. He didn't care that she'd left him, he forgave her for all of it and he always would. In that moment everything was perfection. Over the past few days everything had been slipping into their easy rhythm but this was open and honest and it was clear that to both of them this wasn't just about the here-and-now.

Holding her to him, Chuck felt more of a connection emotionally than he'd felt since before she'd left. It was only with her that he was so completely himself; but to move forward there were things that he knew they had to address. And part of having that knowledge meant that he had to ask the hard questions, the one's who's answers he didn't necessarily want to hear. "Have you been happy?" He asked after a few minutes of silence.

Blair's brows furrowed as she leaned her head back to rest on Chuck's shoulder, leaving her looking up at the stars. It was a difficult question to answer - happiness was difficult to define when for so long afterwards she'd simply shut down emotionally. "Mostly." She spoke finally. Her thoughts strayed to Austin for the first time in several days. It was emotionally unsettling for her, almost as though a bristling had run up her spine alerting her that there was something she wasn't settling within herself.

Turning her head to the side, her lips brushed Chuck's jaw. "I've been doing a lot of work on me and it's been good for me." She could feel Chuck's heart pounding against her own and her next words seemed to be spoken in time with that rhythm. "But I don't think I had remembered just what happiness was until now." It was as she spoke that Blair recognized the truth in her words. That was the unsettling feeling at the mention of Austin and it was the way she'd felt alive the moment her lips had met Chuck's at Lily Pond. She had been happy with Austin but not like this, never like this. "I'm never as happy as I am when I'm with you."

Chuck's heart that had been racing throughout the entirety of Blair's speech was pounding so loudly that the drumming filled his ears. His next words came completely unbidden, nothing more than a soft desperate whisper against her ear. "Don't leave me again."

Blair felt her entire body tense in his arms as she tilted her head to look at him. Studying his face she was surprised by the lines she saw there, the seriousness that covered every inch of his countenance.

Chuck's gaze intensified as it locked with hers. "I won't ask why, I don't have to know. You don't have to tell me where you've been or who you've been with. You just can't leave again."

Blair was frozen in his arms, she knew there must be shock written all over her face but as it slipped away she let only the seriousness of the moment remain behind as she read the millions of words in his gaze.

The seriousness becoming infused with a passion that had been renewed over the past few days Chuck's hold on her tightened. "I can't lose you again Blair, I won't. This time I'll follow you no matter where you go. This time I won't let you go."

For a moment her heart skipped as she let his words wash through her. She could feel the tingles working their way up her spine in a rapid fashion. The moment was electric and all consuming, it held so much. Giving an almost imperceptible nod of her head Blair turned in Chuck's arms tilting her head upwards until her lips met his. "I don't want you to." She whispered against his mouth before they both collapsed back onto the blanketed sand.

* * *

><p>Saturday - 2am<p>

_She was running. The walls around her were blurring. She didn't know what she was running from or where she'd come from, it was all a blur in her mind. Her hands clutched the hem of a silvery gown not unlike the one she wore to Cotillion and her feet ached as she tripped over her own heels._

_Soon she found she was barefoot as she tore down a never ending hallway. She could see that she was passing people, some of which she recognized, some she didn't; yet each looked distinctly familiar. Was that Louis? She asked herself but she kept rushing forwards the impending sense that things were falling apart, consuming her. Walls kept appearing in front of her forcing her to make turns to go back the way she'd come, she was trapped in a darkly gilded prison._

_This time as she ran she spotted a bronzed head in front of her; she ran forwards grasping to the one thing she seemed to recognize. "Thank God you're here Nate. Can you help me get out of here, I think I'm trapped. And I can't find Chuck."_

_Nate tilted his head almost confused. "You chose this Blair, this was your decision."_

_Blair shook her head, clutching tightly to her dress. "No, no this isn't what I wanted. Please help me."_

_"I'm sorry, but I can't." Nate spoke before disappearing back into the nameless faces that surrounded her._

_"Nate." She called after him but he was gone. How could he just leave her? They'd been friends since she could remember._

_The panic that rushed through her pushed Blair to continue onwards, if Nate wouldn't help her someone else would, she just had to find them. It didn't surprise her to see Dan in the distance as she rounded the next corner. She smiled as he opened his arms to her. Dan - always so steady and reliable - Dan would get her out of here, he wouldn't turn her away. Wrapping herself in his embrace Blair almost smiled, everything would be okay._

_Taking a step away Dan looked at Blair seriously. "I'm glad I got to say goodbye."_

_"Goodbye? What do you mean?" Blair asked, the rush of panic flooding her once more. "You can't leave me here. I don't know how to get out."_

_Dan's lips were a tight line as he took a step backwards. This time Blair rushed forwards anticipating his movement. "No you have to help me, I don't know where I am and I don't know where to find Chuck."_

_"Chuck isn't here." Dan spoke with a shake of his head before walking away. "Chuck's gone." His last words were a whisper through the air._

_Blair shook her head in frustration. This didn't make any sense, this wasn't possible, Chuck wouldn't leave her here by herself in this hell. Lights behind her began to flash and she remembered that she couldn't stop she had to keep moving forwards. Maybe that's what she was doing, maybe she was looking for Chuck. If so she had to hurry, she could feel herself running out of time as the crowds that surrounded the hallways seemed to be thinning._

_The next person she saw happened to approach her instead of the other way around. Blair almost jerked away as Jenny took her arm. But part of her wanted, no needed to know what Jenny would say._

_"I'm sorry that I was wrong about you two. I really thought you were stronger together. I didn't realize…" Jenny spoke, her eyes sad._

_Blair shook her head frantically. "What do you mean? What didn't you realize Jenny?"_

_Shaking her head Jenny released Blair and moved away. "I didn't realize what would happen."_

_As she ran onwards Blair could hear voices piling on one another, people apologizing, people telling her that she was wrong, that she'd done this to herself. When she saw her mother, father, and Cyrus she almost cried in relief. But each of them simply shook their heads._

_"Oh Blairbear, I never wanted this for you." Harold spoke._

_But Eleanor cut him off. "I'm so disappointed in you. This is not how Waldorf women behave."_

_Blair grasped for them imploringly, her heart beat resounding in her ears, certain that she'd never been so scared in her life. "Whatever I did I'm sorry…"_

_This time it was Cyrus leading the others away. "It's not enough Blair."_

_"NO!" She gasped as the first tears stung her eyes. Now the crowds had thinned until she could recognize every face, she saw the disappointment lining each person's features. She could see Lily and Eric shaking their heads, even Bart was standing there looking immeasurably disappointed. Their voices were growing louder but she refused to hear it as she forced her way past them. "SHUT UP" She shrieked as she ran, aware that wind throughout the hallways was picking up and whipping at her garments ripping her dress and tearing at her hair._

_Desperation filled her as she scrambled through the hallway grasping at anything she could to keep upright. Seeing a brown swoop of hair Blair smiled, Austin. He'd save her, he'd protect her. This was clearly all a mistake but he wasn't a part of this world, he would take her away from here. Running to him she clutched his arm but he looked down at her strangely._

_"What are you doing Blair?" He asked, not an ounce of the warmth she remembered in his gaze._

_Blair shook her head, terrified by whatever she was running from, terrified at the sense of aloneness that was overwhelming her. "You have to help me Austin, I need you. I'm trapped and I don't know what's going on. I'm so alone."_

_His gaze softened ever so slightly as he brushed a hair back from her face. "But that's not what you wanted. You're the one who chose this path; you have to see it through."_

_"No." Blair said shaking her head, she knew what was happening, he was leaving her too. "Don't leave me."_

_Austin smiled sadly, heartbreak in his eyes. "But darling, you're the one who left me. You left me when I needed you the most."_

_As Austin faded into the darkness Blair ran after him determined that he would see reason, he would help her; but all she found was a darkened staircase. It was a staircase she recognized, the grand stairway from the Palace Hotel, the one she'd run up with Nate at her Cotillion._

_Something in her screamed that this was the way to Chuck; Chuck would be waiting for her at the top of the stairs. So she scrambled upwards clutching tightly to the banister. But even as she fought the whipping wind and her own exhaustion another part of her knew this wasn't right, Chuck wouldn't be here, Chuck wouldn't be at the Palace, he'd be at the Empire. So inside she simply prayed for a way out. What she saw at the top of the stairs shocked her enough that she pulled up short. "Layne? What are you doing here."_

_Layne crossed her arms, gazing at Blair with pity. "You can't act like I didn't warn you."_

_Blair shook her head, her mind straining to think of what Layne could be talking about through the blur that was this strange reality. Recalling their conversation from the store Blair shook her head. "No, you said not to let it go, you said to hold on."_

_"You weren't listening." Layne spat her voice angry._

_Blair exhaled, her hands resting on her knees for a moment as she tried to catch her breath. "I don't understand, everyone keeps saying that I chose this but I didn't."_

_Nodding Layne stepped forwards. "You did choose this Blair. I told you it wasn't safe, that it would never be safe."_

_Echoing through her mind she could hear Chuck's words from so long ago, back when she was only a freshman in college before so much happened. 'We're never going to be safe. The question is are you brave enough or aren't you.' Shaking her head Blair rose to full height looking at Layne. "Where's Chuck?"_

_"You already know he isn't here." Layne spoke. "There's a reason it isn't safe. It burns and consumes until there's nothing left. I should have known the two of you could never withstand the combustion."_

_"No." Blair spoke frantically, shaking her head and looking around the small landing eyes landing on a door behind Layne. "No. You're wrong. Chuck wouldn't leave me here."_

_Blair was ready to make a run for the door when she saw it open, a golden mane of hair emerging. "She's right you know."_

_"SERENA!" Blair exclaimed ready to rush for her friend. But Serena held up a hand._

_Shaking her head sadly, Serena's voice wasn't filled with its usual sunshine. "I wanted to protect you B, that's all I wanted then and it's all I want now."_

_"I know that." Blair said nodding. "But Chuck's here, I know it."_

_Swallowing Serena stepped closer to her friend. "Nothing's changed, you're going to lose everything and when you do you'll regret ever having it. You'll never be able to find that kind of happiness again."_

_"I don't regret it!" Blair exclaimed walking forwards past the blonde and brunette that were blocking the door. With one last look at Serena Blair forced herself to remain strong. "I listened to you the last time and it may have been the right decision then but it's not the right decision now."_

_Serena grabbed for her arm as Blair began opening the door before her, certain that Chuck would be waiting for her on the other side. "Blair please don't do this, it's not too late. Don't be weak."_

_But Blair shook her off. "I'm not being weak. I was being weak when I ran." Knowing that it was now or never as the world she had created was crumbling around her and she flung herself through the doorway. But it wasn't the warmth of Chuck's arms she found but a cold seeping darkness that enveloped her as she fell. A scream tore through her lungs as Blair felt like everything that she was, was being ripped away from her and in that moment she knew that everything she'd ever loved had been lost, everything she'd ever worked for was gone._

_Before her she saw the fast approaching ground and she tried to brace herself for the impact, ready for the shattering pain she knew she'd feel. As her body slammed into the ground so far below where she fell an overwhelming sensation exploded through her body as though every bone was breaking until she was nothing more than dust._

Gasping Blair jerked up in bed, her entire body shaking in unbridled fear. It took her a moment to adjust to the darkness that surrounded her as her erratic heartbeat was lost in the world she'd just been ripped from. Looking to the side she saw Chuck laying there, a lock of hair falling into his eyes as he slept soundly. It was only a dream. Her heart began to slow at this realization, her breathing evened out.

The nightmares were back, nightmares she hadn't had in so long. She sat there for a moment thinking back to her dream; it had felt so incredibly real she swore she could still feel the wind on her skin, the pain that had destroyed her in the end. Her fingers reached out to touch Chuck's face to reassure herself that he was really there. As she calmed down she knew that she wouldn't be sleeping again tonight so she slipped out of bed careful not to wake Chuck.

Standing she walked over to the doors of the balcony, her hand shook at their eerie resemblance to the doors from her dream. She didn't bother shutting the door behind her as she walked forwards, nothing about her internal processes had returned to normal, she was so very rattled. Reaching the banister she gripped it tightly in her hands hoping that it would steady her but it didn't seem to help.

She tried to assess what she was feeling but she couldn't seem to get a handle on anything. All of the happiness that she'd felt being here over the past week was replaced with emptiness and fear. How could a dream have made her feel like this? But it was a stupid question because she'd experienced this feeling before. The dreams weren't always the same but each one left her alone, abandoned, and broken. And now there was a darkness that seemed to be residing inside her as voices wormed their way into her brain.

Blair stood there wrestling with these thoughts for well over an hour. She watched as the moon rose higher and the sky began to lighten. She watched and she allowed her mind to wander. She allowed herself to think about her dream, about the conversations that had played into her decisions thus far, those imploring her to stay, those telling her to go. She thought about the conversations from two years ago specifically the one with Serena. She let herself think about Austin, and she let herself think about Chuck. She knew she had to sort this out before he woke up - it was time to make a choice, she couldn't delay it any longer. Exhaling, she even allowed herself to think about what Mr. Davidson had said on the phone a few days before.

Her mind tossed each of these ideas around her brain trying to make them fit together or at least to reconcile some of them; but all of that seemed so impossible when they were all telling her different things. Clearly her head and her heart were saying two completely different things and everyone else seemed to have an opinion too. Turning her head she looked at Chuck and then she knew. It didn't matter what everyone else said, it didn't matter what her head was saying, for once she had to listen to her heart.

Smiling slowly she began to walk back towards Chuck, ready to slip back into bed, back into his arms. With each step the nightmare seemed to pulse at the back of her mind, the emptiness threatening to overtake her but as she reached out her hand to pull back the sheet, she knew that once she was in Chuck's arms the emptiness would be gone.

It was then that her iPhone beeped. Confused, Blair turned to the nightstand where her phone set illuminated with a text message. Almost no one had this number, it was her emergency number and she couldn't think of anyone that might be messaging her at this time of night. Reaching for it she lifted the phone to read the text and as she did she couldn't help but let out a little gasp. "Austin."

**B, my dad had a heartattack, it's bad – I wouldn't have used this number but you weren't answering your cell. I know it's a lot to ask but can you come to Charleston? He's all I have left after mom. I really need you. **

Instantly her mind reversed back to her dream and the words that Austin had spoken there. The thought gave her chills so overwhelming that she had to place her hand on the wall to steady herself.

_"You have to help me Austin, I need you. I'm trapped and I don't know what's going on. I'm so alone." _

_His gaze softened ever so slightly as he brushed a hair back from her face. "But that's not what you wanted. You're the one who chose this path; you have to see it through." _

_"No." Blair said shaking her head, she knew what was happening, he was leaving her too. "Don't leave me." _

_Austin smiled sadly, heartbreak in his eyes. "But darling, you're the one who left me. You left me when I needed you the most." _

Rereading the text again her stomach turned. Her fingers were white on her cell phone as she did her best to come to terms with what she'd just learned in the face of the decision that she'd just made. She'd been so sure that staying with Chuck was the right thing to do, that leaving would be wrong but what if she only wanted to stay because she wasn't strong enough to walk away. Austin needed her, maybe abandoning him, abandoning everything for Chuck was what would make her lose it all. Walking down the hall to her room, she changed her clothing and dialed a number, making the call that her heart was telling her she had to make.

It was still a few hours before dawn and she was back on Chuck's balcony, when she felt the warmth of Chuck's arms wrap around her from behind. She exhaled as she tried her best to stay calm. This was the most difficult decision she'd ever had to make.

Chuck smiled contentedly as he placed his head on her shoulder. He'd awoken alone in his bedroom but the billowing curtains indicating the open doors of the balcony had led him to her. At first he'd simply stared at her gorgeous silhouette enjoying her beauty but he didn't want to be apart from her. "Hey." He spoke quietly.

"Hi." Blair replied, reluctant to fold herself into him because she knew what she was about to do. But she allowed herself one more minute of peace in his arms.

"You're dressed?" Chuck asked, a hint of laughter in his voice as he placed a kiss on Blair's neck. It was unusual for her to be up quite this early and to be honest he had every intention of removing these clothes quite quickly.

"Yeah." Blair replied softly before leaning back completely into him. "I love you." She spoke, her voice cracking, mirroring her emotions.

_**I can feel the color running  
><strong>__**As it's fading from my face**_

Chuck heard the sadness in her voice and his grip instinctively tightened around her smile frame. "And I love you."

Swallowing tightly Blair looked out over the pool, holding onto Chuck as tightly as he was holding onto her. "I never want to leave this place."

"Then don't." Chuck responded immediately, his heartbeat beginning to quicken as fear filled him.

_**Try to speak but nothing's coming  
><strong>__**Nothing I could say to make you stay**_

"Chuck I…" Blair started, her voice barely audible.

Chuck shook his head, clasping her hands in his. "Don't bail on me now."

Blair let out a gasp that was the start of a sob, she wasn't strong enough for this. "I have a life Chuck." She spoke, knowing it was the weakest excuse she could muster but she knew he wouldn't accept the truth.

_**Grabbed your suitcase called a taxi  
><strong>__**It's 3am now where you gonna go?**_

"Come back home Blair or take me with you." Chuck pleaded. "I'll move wherever you need me to move."

Blair was silent as his words worked their way into her brain and through to her heart which was pounding so loudly she thought it might burst.

"Blair?" Chuck asked, turning her in his arms so that he could meet her gaze. His own heart was beating so loudly he thought it might explode because in that moment he knew that she wasn't going to stay, that there was nothing he could do to make her stay. He felt the color drain from his cheeks as he tried to think of anything he could do to change what was happening.

_**Gonna stay with friends in London  
><strong>__**And that's all I get to know**_

Shaking her head Blair placed her hand on Chuck's face. "I have to go." She spoke, infusing her voice with as much strength as she could before slipping out of his grasp.

Chuck hadn't been expecting her to move so he let her slip away but as she walked out of the room it only took him a moment to follow her down the hall. By the time he reached her room he could see that she had already prepared her bags and couldn't help but wonder when she'd made this decision.

_**Just a cigarette gone  
><strong>__**No you couldn't be that far**_

Blair saw Chuck's eyes widen at her bags, she knew he didn't realize that she never actually unpacked in the first place, she could tell by his facial expression. She didn't contradict him.

"You're leaving now?" Chuck asked barely able to form words, this had been the last thing he had expected. Earlier tonight he'd felt more secure than he'd ever had, Blair's actions were like a wrecking ball.

Blair nodded moving around him towards the stairs where Michael was standing to pick up her bags. "I made the call a few hours ago."

_**I'm driving in my car where I hope you are  
><strong>__**Maybe I can talk you down  
><strong>__**Maybe I can talk you down**_

Swallowing tightly Chuck shook his head. "Were you even going to say goodbye this time?"

"Michael's been here for a while, I waited until you woke up." Blair spoke without turning around to face him.

Chuck was still struggling to find the words to articulate what he wanted to say. If any part of him had thought that this was a possibility he would have been prepared, that's what he'd always said after the last time; but he'd never been so certain of anything in his life as he was of them. "Earlier tonight . . .on the beach . . . you promised you wouldn't leave" He finally managed.

_**Oh, we're standing on a tiny ledge  
><strong>__**Before this goes over the edge**_

Blair turned this time her lips pressed together to stem the oncoming tears. Shutting her eyes she held back what she could before looking up at Chuck and giving her head the slightest of shakes. Silence hung between them and it was deafening, it was suffocating her, she had to get out.

Chuck realized then by the look in her eyes exactly what she wasn't saying or more what she hadn't said. On the beach she'd never indicated that she wouldn't leave again, only nodding at his statements. He watched as she turned beginning to walk out the door and he reached out clasping her wrist. "No!" He said, his voice a strange mixture of pain, longing and anger.

_**Gonna use my heart and not my head  
><strong>__**and try to open up your eyes  
><strong>__**This is relationship suicide**_

Shaking her head, Blair pulled her wrist from Chuck's grasp. "I'm sorry." She spoke her voice drained of any energy but this time she didn't stop as she followed Michael down the front steps and out the door.

Chuck stood there completely frozen as her presence seemed to seep from the room slowly. He couldn't think, he couldn't function. Hours ago they'd been in bed together and he'd been more content than he'd ever been and now she was gone, just like that. His mind was numb much like the rest of his body, it felt almost as though he'd been shot.

On the beach he'd just been so certain. The beach. That conversation on the beach he'd thought that she was promising never to leave but now he wasn't so sure. What he was sure of was what he had promised her. He wasn't letting go this time, he wouldn't lose her again.

_**'Cause if you go, I go  
><strong>__**'Cause if you go, I go**_

Darting out the door, Chuck raced down the stairs. There wasn't time to waste so he simply grabbed the keys near the door and took off for the town car - he didn't have time to wait for Arthur.

He paid no attention to the thunder sounding outside and the rain that was starting to fall; he was too focused on Blair to do anything but drive. He wasn't sure how long he'd stood there thinking after she left, it had felt like hours but he knew it was probably less than a couple of minutes. He hadn't lost too much time he just had to catch her. More than that he had to know where to go.

Smirking to himself as he turned onto the main road, he realized that he knew where to find Blair. Leaving like she had she'd want the fastest way out of the city and he'd wager that she'd follow that by leaving the country; which meant she'd be heading to the East Hampton airport where she'd take a helicopter to Kennedy and a plane out from there. Now he just had to get there fast enough.

_**Taking shortcuts through the alleys  
><strong>__**While you're racing through my mind**_

Pressing his foot down on the gas, Chuck was grateful for the lack of traffic, it was making this much easier though the rain was clouding his view. Swerving around the car in front of him, Chuck did his best to focus on the task at hand rather than what had just happened. But his mind kept straying to the fact that she had left; he just couldn't wrap his mind around why.

Everything had been perfect these past few days, more than perfect, it had been everything he had ever hoped for. He knew that she felt the same so he didn't know how she could walk away from what they had and everything they meant to one another. The two years of missing her had made him so aware of what the loss of her did to him that he appreciated her that much more. She was the reason he existed, she made him better, she made him who he was.

_**Cops can chase but they won't catch me  
><strong>__**Not before I get to speak my mind  
><strong>__**If there's still time**_

He still remembered the first few days after she'd left - the days he'd sat around waiting for her call. He hadn't left the apartment, insisting that she'd be coming back and that he had to be there when she did. Nate, Serena, Eric, Lily, and even Dan had tried to coax him out but it hadn't worked. He refused to take the risk that she would come and he would miss her.

He'd fought Serena as she collected Blair's things a few weeks later. She'd been insistent but he was stronger and when he was determined he could be dangerous. They'd been locked in a tug of war both of them holding tightly to Blair's jewelry box when Serena had shouted at him that Blair wasn't coming back. He still remembered the shock that reverberated down his spine. Until that moment he'd been in denial and the denial had kept him from losing his mind.

_**Just a cigarette gone  
><strong>__**No you couldn't be that far**_

It was after that that he threw himself into anything and everything because he couldn't risk sitting still long enough to think about the possibility that she wouldn't return. Though the ring she'd left behind was always with him. He wouldn't go anywhere without it because he knew she'd need it when she returned. She was going to return; he'd never once doubted that. And in her absence he strove to be better for her - to prove himself. He secured the status of the Empire before expanding into other ventures, each time focusing on how that made him better.

He'd had his PI's on it after a few months deciding that he would simply have to bring her home, they were a family. When he'd found her in North Carolina she'd been so happy that he'd left her; yet even then he knew she'd come home one day soon. She couldn't stay away for forever, he knew the pull of their magnetism, it was unavoidable. Yet something about today told him that this might be his last chance, that if he lost her now she wouldn't be back.

_**I'm driving in my car where I hope you are  
><strong>__**Maybe I can talk you down  
><strong>__**Maybe I can talk you down**_

He tried to force himself to think of how to get her to stay rather than the fact that she was leaving him again but found it was impossible as all he could feel was the impending fear associated with losing her for good. It had nearly destroyed him the first time, he'd only made it through because a part of him had known that it wasn't over - this time he wasn't sure he could hold on. He had to stop her.

He slammed his fist down in frustration as he got stuck at a stop light. No, this was taking too long between the weather and the stoplights on every street; he couldn't be delayed or he might miss her. Pushing his foot all the way down on the gas he tore through the red light and stopped paying attention to traffic laws entirely, he wouldn't lose her again. He was going to stop her from leaving, weather and stoplights be damned.

_**Oh, we're standing on a tiny ledge  
><strong>__**Before this goes over the edge**_

As he cut through the streets of East Hampton he tried again to think of how to convince her that she belonged with him but he continued to come up blank. It all seemed to be common sense to him. They weren't the same without each other, they were two halves of a whole. He didn't know how she could even conceive of being apart. But no matter how hard he tried; all he could see were flashes of their past week together.

Seeing her from the balcony. Finding her at Lily Pond. Her cooking breakfast. Their attempts at doing things in public: the beach to the hot tub, under the table at the restaurant, the bathroom at Lily Pond. All the takeout food. The smirk she shot him over her shoulder as she was coated in flour. The gleam in her eyes as she knocked him into the pool. The pillow fight in the valentine's room. Her seductiveness as she promised pertinence. Brunch and shopping with the Thorne's and her look that said that Blair Waldorf was back. All culminating at the beach.

_**Gonna use my heart and not my head  
><strong>__**and try to open up your eyes  
><strong>__**This is relationship suicide**_

Thunder continued to crash outside the car as rain pelted his windshield but he drove on, his mind still spinning as he thought about Blair. It was at the first strike of lightening that it hit him. The reason this week was flooding his mind when what he needed was to find the words to stop her from going was because they were the key. Whatever was holding Blair back, it wasn't them, it had never been a problem with them. When they were together everything was right with the world, everything was perfect. It was other people who seemed to affect them.

Blair might not have promised to stay at the beach but he remembered what she did say. She'd told him that she was only truly happy with him and that she didn't want him to let her go; which was good because he wasn't giving up not now, not ever. To make Blair stay he just had to remind her that he was the one that made her happy, that with them together everything else could be made simple.

_**'Cause if you go, I go  
><strong>__**'Cause if you go, I go**_

He knew he was almost there but he had the distinct feeling that he was running out of time. His heart pounding as he gripped the wheel so tightly his knuckles turned white, Chuck turned off the main road and onto airport drive. As excited as he was to be reaching his destination, his heart clinched painfully at the thought that he might be too late.

What if he'd stood there longer than he had thought after she walked out? What if he'd mistimed everything and she was already gone? The weather hadn't been this bad twenty minutes ago so she wouldn't have had to deal with it getting to the airport like he had. And he'd assumed she'd chartered a helicopter to take her to Kennedy which would probably be delayed in weather like this; something he'd counted on to buy him a bit more time. If she'd chartered a plane they might have already left.

_**Just a cigarette gone  
><strong>__**No you couldn't be that far**_

He was lucky he had such high clearance at this airport that they let him drive straight onto the tarmac with just the flash of an ID because otherwise he would have gotten held up at the gate. Driving in, his pulse pounding rapidly Chuck tried and failed to steady his nerves and slow his level of adrenaline. His eyes immediately began searching for her through the downpour of rain.

Driving into the private transportation area he promised himself that even if she wasn't there he wasn't going to stop. He'd charter a jet of his own or use one of the Bass jets to go after her, no matter where she went. He'd made the mistake of letting her stay gone the first time, he wasn't going to do it again.

_**I'm driving in my car where I hope you are  
><strong>__**Maybe I can talk you down  
><strong>__**Maybe I can talk you down**_

Steadying himself he began looking for the town car she'd chartered for the week amongst the helicopter area, frowning he realized that she wasn't there. Damn it that wasn't a good sign, he thought as he continued down the narrow road around the helicopters towards the chartered plans.

Turning the corner a jolt of happiness ran straight to his chest as he spotted her car near a private plane. He wasn't too late, he hadn't missed her. He knew he was cutting it close though, it looked as if the pilot was readying the plane.

_**Oh, we're standing on a tiny ledge  
><strong>__**Before this goes over the edge**_

He was almost to her car when he saw her doorway open. An umbrella extended she stepped from the town car and started making her way towards the private jet.

Chuck's stomach almost collapsed as he watched her. She was still too far away to call out to but he knew it was her just as he always knew. There was something in her movements that called out to him. Stepping on the peddle he once more disregarded the particularly airport regulations as he went tearing through airplane docking stations towards Blair sending water shooting up on either side of the car.

_**Gonna use my heart and not my head  
><strong>__**and try to open up your eyes  
><strong>__**This is relationship suicide**_

Breaking hard, he jerked the car to the side as he neared Blair's own car, throwing open the door and jumping out without paying any head to the rain beating down around him. He watched as her head snapped towards the car, her eyes widening as they spotted him.

Chuck shook his head as he walked forwards. "Don't act surprised, I told you I wasn't letting you go again." His whole body seemed to be rushing with adrenaline but at the same time he was calm because he'd made it; now he just had to remind her who they were together, who she was.

_**'Cause if you go, I go**_

Blair was frozen in shock as she saw Chuck emerge from the town car that had almost splashed her with water. She hadn't thought that he would follow her but now he was stalking towards her on a mission. "Chuck, I told you . . ." She asked as he came close enough that she could almost touch him if she reached out her hand.

"No." Chuck said as he shook his head. "I won't - I don't accept this."

"You don't have a choice." Blair said a hint of exasperation in her voice. She didn't know how strong she could be with him still standing here before her, their conversation at the house had taken everything she had. And as confused as she'd been before at least her heart had made sense, now her heart was louder than everything else, telling her that she had to go to Charleston, to Austin.

Chuck took a step forward bringing himself under her umbrella, so close he could feel her breathing. "Don't do this Blair, not again. I get it - the first time it was too soon, but now after everything we've experienced together this week?"

Blair swallowed tightly aware that having him in her space like this was only making everything more difficult. She could smell his cologne as it seemed to invade her senses. "This wasn't real Chuck, it was an isolated little bubble. I have a life somewhere else in the real world." She spoke carefully.

Chuck reached out and placed his hands on her upper arms making sure she didn't turn away. "God damn it Blair it was real. It was so real that it proved itself over everything else. And whatever life you have away from me can't outweigh what we have. It's not more than the look you gave me on the beach after I asked you never to leave again. It's not more than the electricity we both feel every time we touch. And it certainly isn't bigger than the love that's between us. Nothing is."

"Chuck…" Blair started, feeling herself begin to crack.

Chuck brought his head closer until his forehead was almost resting on hers. "All I want, all I need, is you." He knew she understood the significance of the words as only she could. "That hasn't changed."

Fighting the pull inside of her that was begging her to fall into him Blair forced herself to remain strong remembering the feeling she'd felt consuming her when she'd awoken a few hours ago. She couldn't risk feeling like that, it would destroy her. And clearly staying with Chuck was wrong, all she needed were Austin's words in the dream and his text to tell her that. It wouldn't just destroy her, it would destroy them all. "I left for a reason Chuck." She spoke carefully trying to tug backwards.

"A reason you won't explain." Chuck spat, his voice rueful as he held her tight to him.

A gasp slipped from Blair's lips as she turned her head, breaking eye contact. "I can't."

Chuck moved his head finding her eyes once more as he spoke. "You don't want to go Blair, I know you don't."

Blair fought to keep from meeting his eyes as she bit her bottom lip. "I have to, there's someone else." She said unwillingly, throwing everything out there that she could to push them apart.

Chuck scoffed. "There will never be anyone else."

"Why can't you just let me go?" Blair asked, her head snapping back towards Chuck and flinging her arms to shake his hold on her even though it cost her the cover of the umbrella.

This time Chuck shook his head, he'd seen her getting close to cracking earlier and that she was so defensive now was proof that she didn't want to leave, he just had to make her realize that she was making a mistake. "Don't act like this week has been one sided."

Blair turned her head looking away from him, towards the plane where the pilot was motioning for her. "I have to go."

Chuck took a step forward until his body was nearly flush with hers; his hands reached up and grasped her face as the rain drenched them to the bone. "What was this Blair? What was this week for you?"

Once more a gasp was drawn from her lips at Chuck's proximity and intensity. Her whole body was humming as she observed the rain beading in his hair, the drops caught on his eyelashes and the ones mingling with what she thought might be tears on his cheeks. "Heaven."

"Then stay with me." Chuck spoke his voice pleading with her.

Blair's head tilted slightly, she could feel the trembling in his hands as they grasped her face that mirrored the shaking in her knees. "I can't. We can't be together Chuck. I've moved on." Her voice was stronger than she expected and it instilled her with the ability to go on. "It's time you do the same. As much as I . . .enjoyed this week. It shouldn't have happened." With that she took a step backwards, then another, it was as she was beginning to turn away that Chuck spoke again.

Chuck's eyes narrowed at her words, a fury filled him at her denial and he could no longer fight the angry desperation that was threatening to take over. "Why'd you leave Blair?" He asked, voice strengthened by his indignation.

"It was a long time ago Chuck, it doesn't matter anymore." Blair spoke with a shake of her head. She didn't want to get into this now.

"It does to me." Chuck responded immediately with another step forward, not far behind her though with her back to him he could only see her profile. He reached out and caught her arm, turning her to face him once more. "If it's why you're leaving it matters."

Blair straightened her spine realizing that she wouldn't be able to leave using the truth. It was clear that Chuck would do whatever it took to keep her here, her reasons wouldn't be good enough. To make it out now without losing it all she would have to lie. "After everything that happened before, everything you did, I just couldn't forget."

Chuck looked into Blair's eyes, searching for the lie. Holding her gaze he asked the question that had been haunting him since the day that Nate mentioned the possibility. "Tell me it wasn't for revenge, tell me you didn't do it for revenge."

Blair couldn't move, she could barely breathe. Chuck's intensity in that moment was so damning that she couldn't do anything but stare into his gaze. Every piece of her was screaming at her to deny the truth of the statement he'd just uttered because it couldn't be further from how she'd really felt. She could see though that this was his one great fear, his biggest insecurity and that's why he would believe her when she lied and said it was the truth. This was the key to getting him to let her go because if she let him think this it would destroy him and with it the love he had for her.

Swallowing tightly, Blair clenched her eyes shut before pulling her arm away. She nodded her head almost disjointedly as she took a step backwards. "I am sorry Chuck." She spoke before turning and walking away.

Chuck's heart felt as though it were being ripped from his chest as he heard Blair's words. He barely saw more than a shadow of her as she walked away from him and climbed into the plane. His vision was so blurred that everything was black, white, and shades of grey. Something had been irrevocably changed in him in that moment, his fundamental system of beliefs had just been destroyed because the only thing he'd ever truly believed in, the only thing that had ever been real, was the two of them.

Blair was able to hold the tears until the door of the plane was closed and she looked out the window to see Chuck standing there looking like a shell of himself. Her hand immediately went to the pane, her fingers pressing against the glass as her heart literally began to break in two.

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Dan swallowed tightly as he stared at Blair. "Was it?" He asked, his voice barely a rasp as he tried to gain his bearings.

Blair furrowed her brows slightly as she looked at Dan, not entirely removed from the memories she'd just relayed to him. "Was it what?"

"For revenge?" Dan asked feeling emotionally raw after everything he'd heard.

Blair pressed her lips together as tears stung her eyes. When she spoke her voice was tainted by the stinging in her throat. "No Humphrey, it had nothing to do with revenge."

At that Dan ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head back and forth. He didn't have words for any of it. It was all so charged with emotion.

After several minutes of silence, Blair stood. "I'm exhausted, I should head home and get some sleep."

Dan nodded. "And I need to go check on Steph and Rosaliegh." Dan watched as Blair picked up her purse and wrapped her jacket tighter around her shoulder and his next words seemed to slip from his lips. "What we talked about earlier? About the book."

Blair nodded remembering their conversation of a few hours before.

"Are you sure?" Dan asked, his voice cautious.

Blair gave Dan a rueful smile. "I can't keep lying, look where it's gotten me."

Dan narrowed his eyes perceptively. "But lying isn't the same thing as telling everyone."

At that Blair actually smiled. "You're the one who said that only the people who really matter to me will even know who it's about and it's time all of them knew the truth, Chuck included."

"Okay then." Dan spoke, his voice controlled.

Blair was about to turn and leave when she hesitated. Ever since the mention of Dan's book, something had been tugging at the back of her brain, worming its way through to her subconscious and now it seemed to be pounding against her frontal lobe demanding that she ask Dan. "How did you know. . .about the proposal I mean?"

Dan tilted his head, observing Blair strangely. Sometimes she baffled him. "I told you Serena let it slip that you were engaged."

Blair shook her head slowly. "That's not the proposal I was referring to."

Dan's eyes widened in surprise but she kept speaking.

"In the book, Bianca was engaged to Clark when she left." She spoke, her voice careful. "I never told anyone, not even Serena knew, so how did you?"

Dan swallowed completely blown away by Blair's admission. "I didn't, until now."

Blair nodded realizing that she had just revealed another piece of the puzzle of who she was to Dan; but this was different than everything else, she trusted Dan to understand what was open for the book and what wasn't - he knew the difference. She could see the questions now in his eyes but she shook her head. "It's a story for another day."

Dan nodded but he didn't know that he believed that that would be a story she would ever tell him. After what he'd just learned about her time with Chuck in the Hamptons it was clear that there were many things exchanged between the two that no one understood but themselves.

As Blair left the hospital she couldn't help the sadness that seemed to be wrapping itself around her again because as cathartic as it had been to tell Dan what she had, she knew that it wasn't everything, it wasn't even close and those secrets were her burden to bear alone.

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><p><strong>Please know that this whole thing has been plotted out for forever and the whole GG100 thing had no bearing on it whatsoever though my Blair is clearly similarly stupid to TV Blair who's obviously too scared to let herself be happy. Though as I've told some of you, TV Blair pissed me off so much that she got a bit of a reprieve in that text from Austin for the fanfic. Still feel free to be angry with her for leaving poor Chuckles like she did.<strong>

**We will be back to the present in the next chapter [for the most part :)] but I hope you've enjoyed Blair's take on what happened in the Hamptons. **

**The song is Talk You Down by the Script.**

**Reviews are always appreciated.**

**xoxo**  
><strong>kate <strong>


	11. Thinnest of Threads

*Sneaks in with tail between legs* Peeks up to see if anyone is still reading this story…Yeah that's how I feel right now.

So I know I haven't updated in ages. I was trying to get a few chapters written so I didn't go for forever without updating again and well that took forever. I graduated college, moved to NYC, and work horrible hours and let myself forget I love to write. So if there is anyone still out there reading thanks for sticking with me and I hope you enjoy this chapter. It might be a little rougher than usual as I no longer have a beta.

To all of you who have reviewed in the time I've been away: **Saracheah, Kwrite1027, Sharry, CHAIRR10, Grish, laurik-xoxo, CarolinaGirl313, Leia, FangirlBitch, eckomoon, Sw33tHeart21, LitPrincess2787, SouthernBelle88, annablake, Caro20, TheKillerDunja123, LeftWriter224, k. 7, Emalia, Elle, GGfanficfan09, Dr. Holland, CarolinaGirl21, Kauyeung24, Krazy4Spike, Kathrynm37, and LovelyLydia **you're all wonderful and I really am sorry it's taken this long.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing.

If anyone's interested in being a beta for this story, let me know! You get to read chapter's first ANNNND I could update quicker with editing help JJJ

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><p><strong>Chapter 10 – Thinnest of Threads<strong>

"I don't know S, you didn't see him." Blair spoke as she leaned her head back against the cab's headrest. "He actually hates me."

Shaking her head Serena smiled, running the hand that wasn't holding her cell through her hair. "Which is better than what you had a few weeks ago. I know you realized the same thing today when you stopped screaming at the apartment."

Sighing Blair nodded to herself. "I did. I realized that at very least he felt something which was a hell of a lot more than he'd admitted thus far. And I saw more than that. At the moment that he was threatening me, the one where I could see the hatred in his eyes I could also see a flash of fear. There's a part of him that is scared he'll give in or maybe he's just scared that he might want to."

Serena actually laughed at that - it was an interesting development. She wasn't sure what had changed that she was now Team Blair, maybe it was finally seeing her friend fight for what she wanted, maybe it was the guilt from before, either way she knew she couldn't let Blair give up now, not when the battle had just started. "See, you can't give up now! You're finally starting to make progress."

Blair swallowed tightly before exhaling. "It's not progress Serena. I don't like that Chuck's in pain, and I hate that that pain is because of me."

"Not to exhaust a tired subject but I think he's in less pain now than he was when you left him four years ago." Serena spoke, her voice controlled.

Blair felt her heartbeat quicken as she debated what she wanted to or didn't want to say. But if today was a day for honesty she might as well go with it. "Two years ago." She corrected. "Chuck thought I was coming back for the first two years, he tracked me down, he knew where I was, he even knew about Austin. It was two years ago that I destroyed him."

"What are you talking about?" Serena asked cautiously even as the pieces began to fit together in her mind. Blair's freak out the summer two years ago where she canceled all their summer plans and ditched Dan's wedding. Chuck's self imposed exile the same summer followed by the purchase of the New Yorker. That was the same summer he met Gwen.

"Chuck and I ran into each other in the Hampton's, we had one perfect week and then I left him again. I didn't really know how much I'd hurt him until tonight until I saw the pain in his eyes that the memories alone could bring him." Blair spoke her voice unsteady as she remembered. "I ruined him."

Serena didn't know what to say - a lot about what Blair was saying made sense but she couldn't help but be shocked that she hadn't known, hadn't heard even a hint of it from either of them.

Laughing darkly Blair shook her head. "You know in some sick way I thought I was protecting us. I thought that we would be together and it would be brilliantly happy and then we'd destroy each other. I was trying to prevent the very thing I caused."

Serena's brow furrowed as she sat back on the bed, still in shock. "I had no idea."

"I assure you that was intentional." Blair spoke gazing out the window at her city, drinking it in like she might one day be forced to leave it again. "I think a part of me was testing him."

"It's so strange voicing this aloud when I've never even really allowed myself to think it." She added with a self depreciating laugh. "I think I wanted to know that he wouldn't let go no matter what I did. But I broke him too thoroughly - he didn't come after me."

"Does Chuck know this?" Serena asked still clutching tightly to the phone that if he did he might at least hurt less. "He probably still thinks that whatever you said to push him away is true."

Blair paused for a moment - the fact that she'd decided to go with a policy of openness from here on out didn't mean she had to reveal everything in one breath and this was not the time nor the place to have this conversation. "I don't think it would matter if he did know; not to mention if he believes what I said then, saying that it wasn't the truth won't change anything at all."

Serena blinked her eyes a couple of times trying to keep up with Blair's words before finally just giving up with a sigh.

Blair had to hold back a quiet laugh at Serena's reaction or lack there of. Sure her friend was more perceptive now - that wasn't exactly a difficult feat - but there was still a limit to her bounds. "It's not important at least not right now. And I'm not going to back off completely but I'm going to let him breathe. Yes his guard is down and there are about 10 different strategies I could take that I know would get me closer to him-"

"So why don't you use one?" Serena interrupted. "That's all you need to do right - get close enough to him that he lets you back in because we both know once he does that the rest will follow."

Blair shook her head though she knew Serena couldn't see her. "I can't. Because every single one of those strategies would hurt him in some fashion - it would cost him something or possibly cause him to resent me. In order to finish this for good I can't hurt him anymore - even if it might advance my own goals."

Serena furrowed her brow. "Then what exactly are you planning to do?"

"For now...nothing." Blair spoke confidently. At the start of the conversation she'd been unsure but over the course of the call her resolve had strengthened. She could still work towards being with Chuck but how she went about it had to change. "He's put up these glass walls to keep me out. I've already thrown a few boulders at the glass, I have to let them crack and then give the cracks time to spread before I try smashing the wall in." Smiling slightly to herself Blair nodded. "Of course I'll give the cracks the encouragement they need to help them along but with taps this time instead of a full on assault."

Serena stayed quiet for a moment as she digested the information surprised that she'd actually understood what Blair was saying. "He's consciously aware of the fact that he still feels something for you and for now that's enough."

Blair nodded. "So I'm keeping my distance."

"So I'm assuming you haven't been with Chuck discussing all this have you?" Serena asked realizing that she had no clue where her best friend had run off to last night.

"No." Blair scoffed quickly.

Serena's mouth quirked slightly. "Then where have you been for the last like 7 hours?"

Blair smirked, in truth she hadn't realized that she'd been out all night. "I was visiting with Dan at the hospital, he couldn't sleep anyway."

Serena felt a pang at Blair's confession – she knew that Blair and Dan were still good friends but it stung that Blair was confiding in him rather than her. "How are Steph and Rosaleigh doing?" She asked pushing the thought from her mind.

Rather than answer Serena's obviously targeted question Blair sighed. She didn't want to tell Serena about the book just yet and honestly she didn't know how to be honest about why she'd been with Dan. Serena had given her an out but she knew she needed to address this now. "You're still my best friend Serena but you're two entwined with me and Chuck – Dan's a little further on the outside. Confiding in him isn't putting him in the middle – when I confide in you, that's exactly what happens. And he's not afraid to hurt my feelings with his judgments; sometimes I need his brand of honesty."

Exhaling Serena nodded it made sense. Blair was still confiding in her she just wasn't getting the full battery of Blair's emotions and thoughts. That was something she could deal with. "When are you coming home?"

"I'm on the way home from the hospital now." Blair said relieved that Serena did actually seem to understand.

Smiling Serena leaned back on the bed. "Just a warning Nate's here. He came over last night after you left."

Blair rolled her eyes. "I would be surprised if he wasn't there. Why doesn't he move in already?"

Serena laughed; it really was good to have her best friend back. "He was actually hinting that we should get our own place."

Blair grinned. "You know what that means right?"

"Noooo…" Serena said, dragging out the word as she tried to guess Blair's meaning. Nate didn't like sleeping at Blair's all the time and she didn't like going to the New Yorker pretty much ever – that was all it meant.

"He's about to propose." Blair spoke without hesitation or doubt.

Serena actually laughed aloud at that. "No he isn't." As she spoke she looked up to see Nate walk through the door of her room carrying a tray of food and grinning sheepishly. Smiling she spoke quickly into the phone. "I need to go B, see you in a bit."

Serena could hear Blair laughing as she hung up the phone and directed her attention towards Nate. Sitting up she beamed at him. "What's all this?"

Nate sat the breakfast tray down in front of her an almost bashful grin still on his face. "Beware, I made the food myself."

But as Nate sat down the tray Serena's eyes widened – not because of the food but because of the box that sat in front of all of it, already opened and the huge diamond ring it contained. "Nate." She gasped turning her head to meet his gaze only to realize that he was now kneeling beside the bed.

Taking Serena's hands in his Nate smiled. He'd been anxiously waiting for the right time for weeks - ever since he'd picked up the ring from his mother. He was so nervous about the moment but now that he was here living it, he found that he wasn't actually nervous at all – just excited. "Serena I've loved you for as long as I can remember – whether it was as a friend or as more. You're the first person I want to tell when something happens and you're the last person I want to see before I close my eyes every night. You've seen me at my best and you've loved me at my worst. I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

"YES!" Serena squealed scooting out from under the tray and falling into Nate's arms. Laughing as she kissed him.

Nate laughed as he held her to him. "I haven't asked you a question yet."

Realizing what she'd done Serena sat up, still on the floor on his lap but straightened from their previous position. "Oh, yes. I'm ready. Ask now."

Smiling brightly Nate looked into her beautiful eyes and felt his heart melt. "Serena van der Woodsen , will you marry me?"

"Yes." She spoke, this time her voice more subdued as she leaned forwards her hands going into his hair as she pulled him deeply into a kiss.

Leaning back, Nate allowed Serena's kiss to bring him to the floor as he pulled her more tightly against him. They fell back onto the ground in a heap of tangled limbs and searching hands completely lost in each other.

"Serena, I was thinking..." Blair spoke matter-of-factly as she walked thorough Serena's open door. "Oh..." She exclaimed in surprise at the mass of blonde perfection tangled up on her floor. She was turning to leave when she noticed a variance in movement.

Breaking apart both blondes gasped for air as they turned towards Blair. "No wait don't leave." Serena shouted.

Blair turned her head with a raised eyebrow...it was a little early in the morning for a threesome, not that Serena would ever suggest that, well not soberly anyway.

When she was sure she had Blair's attention Serena beamed. "We're engaged."

"That was fast!" Blair exclaimed with a bright smile immediately on her face. She noticed then the tray on the bed with the Vanderbilt diamond on top. There had been a time she would have done anything to have that ring herself and yet that now felt like another lifetime. Not to mention she couldn't imagine either of them ever truly being happy with anyone else. "I couldn't be happier for you guys, really." She spoke her voice sincere.

Nate nodded his thanks and started to get up but Blair shook her head. "No, no, no...You just got engaged and I haven't slept." Backing out of the room she smiled slyly. "As you were."

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><p>"How about this one?" Blair asked as she stepped from the dressing room at Bloomingdale's. She twirled slightly allowing the short skirt of the cocktail dress to spin.<p>

Serena scrunched up her nose. "I don't know B – is it really your style?"

Shrugging Blair turned and twisted before the mirrors. "I guess not but it's quite eye catching isn't it. I've got two more in back give me one second."

Crossing her arms Gwen stepped forward. "No wait." Disappearing for only a few seconds she came back with a long necklace and looped it over Blair's neck a few times. Straightening the necklace she smiled as she stepped back. "There we go."

Blair turned to the mirror and smiled. "Perfection."

Serena nodded as she cautiously observed Blair and Gwen's interactions. When Blair had asked her if she wanted to go shopping for dresses for the engagement party Nate's mother was planning she'd readily agreed – she had been unaware that Gwen was meeting them until they got to Bloomingdales. She'd been wary the moment she'd seen Gwen but now she was confused because they seemed to be getting along quite well. They looked to be regarding each other as equals something neither of them did with many people. "Yes very Blair Waldorf." She finally spoke.

Both girls beamed. "Then I guess we all have our dresses." Blair spoke as she re-entered the dressing room still speaking loudly enough that Gwen and Serena could hear her. "Are we done with Bloomingdale's then? I could use some new shoes. We could walk over to Barneys and do lunch at Fred's before continuing our shopping."

"Yes to all of the above." Gwen replied as she leaned against one of the mirrors in the dressing area, before adding. "I love Fred's."

Today had definitely been a surprise for Gwen. Every time they ran into each other she and Blair had said they were going to hang out – go shopping or get coffee – but this was the first time they'd followed through. She'd been so sure that this was going to be at least a little bit awkward but thus far it couldn't have felt more natural. If anything Serena had been the odd one out.

Serena continued listening to them, they were practically bantering back and forth – it was just weird. And she had a suspicion that Blair was planning something, she had to be. Blair didn't play nice with the competition unless it was to achieve a purpose of her own. So at least for today she wasn't leaving her alone with Gwen. "Yeah I'm free until around 3pm then it's off to Anne's for some planning."

Blair joined Gwen in laughter as she emerged from the dressing room. Anne and Blair had gotten along well throughout the years but it was a secret to no one except maybe Nate that Anne disapproved of Serena. Sticking out her bottom lip Blair imitated Serena's expression.

"Oh shut up." She said playfully hitting her best friend before heading towards the register.

"But I didn't say anything." Blair exclaimed wide eyed and innocent as she and Gwen followed the fuming blonde.

Gwen joined Blair once more in laughter as Serena huffed. Linking her arm with the brunette's Gwen's laughter died resting on a smile. After a few moments she slightly squeezed Blair's arm to get her attention. When Blair tilted her head curiously Gwen spoke. "This is good."

Blair couldn't resist the slightest lift in her eyebrows, that wasn't what she had expected. But she understood what Gwen meant. This hadn't been a disaster, it hadn't been uncomfortable – it might not have been Blair's favorite day of her life but it was far from the worst. She was finding more and more that she did genuinely like Gwen. "I agree." She said with a small smile.

"It's important to me to know you." Gwen continued, even as Blair continued staring at her openly if not revealingly. "You are important to Chuck - more than he's willing to admit to me because he knows I have a jealous streak. Which means you're important to me."

Blair was caught off guard but she didn't show it. Though she did have a feeling that Chuck's feelings concerning her were basically the opposite of what Gwen assumed. He didn't want to expose how he felt about Blair because doing so would require him telling Gwen things he didn't want to tell her. But Blair simply nodded once more in agreement. "It's good for us and for Chuck."

Smiling Gwen shot her a conspiring glance. "So thank God it turns out I like you. It was quite the relief."

Blair felt genuine laughter bubble from her because she knew the feeling. "I feel the same way." And it was true part of her was glad that Gwen was the kind of girl Blair could like - the type she'd pick out for Chuck herself because if she couldn't have him this is what she'd want for him. However, the other part, the part that told her she wasn't backing down until she did have him - wished her adversary were a little less worthy, wished she liked her quite a bit less.

Catching up with Serena , Blair returned the blonde's almost accusing glare, she knew what Serena was thinking – it wasn't her fault that she just didn't get it. Serena automatically had assumed that she was only trying to get close to Gwen to find out how to get her out of the picture. It was a little disconcerting that her best friend still thought she was that petty especially after their conversation the week prior but she couldn't really be annoyed about it - she'd done it before.

But this was different. Yes, every bit of information she learned about Gwen could be helpful but she wasn't trying to destroy her. She wanted Chuck to be the one to realize that he wanted to be with her, she didn't want him to pick her after she'd gotten Gwen out of the picture only because she was what he had left. And if along the way she came to the conclusion that what Gwen had with Chuck was more she'd bow out. Blair was the last to check out, joining Gwen and Serena she grinned. "Onward to Fred's."

Nodding the girls headed for the exit of Bloomingdale's to begin their walk towards Fifth Avenue. It was right as they were exiting the store that she saw them, they were so obvious - barely even trying to look inconspicuous. Not that it really surprised her - Nate didn't do incognito well and Chuck was probably a little too nervous to stage a proper run-in.

Glancing at her company she was surprised that neither blonde had noticed them yet but Gwen was on a call with the office and Serena probably wasn't expecting the boys to crash their get together; whereas Blair had known they'd show up the moment she'd gotten the blast from Gossip Girl. It had been simple and subtle - just a photo of the girls together captioned **_Frenemies? _**Followed by a short post.

**Spotted B, S and G shopping at Bloomingdale's. I think we all knew that it was only a matter of time before B made her move on G, but even I wasn't expecting this. Because rather than a good old fashioned Blair Waldorf takedown this looks more like the precursor to one of her infamous soirees. Could they be - dare I say it - friends? **

Looking back towards the boys she placed a smile on her face and led the blondes forward. "Fancy seeing the two of you here. You're not stalking us are you."

Both Serena and Gwen smiled broadly as they greeted their significant others, the later still on the phone. But even in the midst of quick hugs Blair noticed the way Nate blushed guiltily and the tightness in the skin around Chuck's eyes - oh he was definitely worried; though he clearly refused to show it.

"No, Nate here had to return a tie." Chuck said with a shrug and a slight jab at Nate.

Nate nodded, laughing uncomfortably. "Yeah didn't go with my tux for the engagement party."

Blair tilted her head slightly as she observed them, calling them out didn't serve any purpose for her so she just nodded. "A tux I'm assuming your mom picked out."

"You know me well." Nate said with a grin, glad that Blair had bought the story. He wasn't so great at this whole sneaking around thing but Chuck had said he wanted to check in on the girls when he saw the blast and Nate couldn't deny his help - after all the situation was suspicious.

Chuck swallowed, forcing back his surprise. He knew that Blair saw right through them but she didn't seem inclined to say anything. This situation wasn't quite as he'd expected but he needed to know what Blair's game was before she did something stupid - like exposing things to Gwen - assuming she hadn't done so already. "So what are you ladies up to? By the shopping bags I assume you've done some damage."

Serena was looking between the different parties. Something was off but she couldn't quite put her finger on it. There was definitely a tension in the air, particularly between Chuck and Blair. Looking over at Gwen, who'd just gotten off the phone, she was surprised to see her completely at ease, arm locked with Chuck's.

Gwen smiled as she spoke leaning into Chuck. She could sense that there was more going on to this little run in and had a pretty good feeling she knew what it was. Chuck must be nervous about her potentially starting a friendship with Blair - that was interesting and definitely something she needed to look into. But she already knew he hadn't told her the full extent of his past with Blair. If she were any less secure in their relationship that would bother her. "We were actually picking up our dresses for the engagement party but we're heading to lunch now if you'd like to join us."

Chuck smiled softly at Gwen feeling himself relax ever so slightly just being in her presence. "I wish we could but I have a meeting to get to."

Blair felt the slightest of pangs at the look that Chuck and Gwen exchanged. She remembered a time when that was how he looked at her. Pushing that emotion away she frowned slightly. "What a shame, lunch would have been fun. Maybe next time?"

"Sure." Chuck replied, knowing he was backed into a corner of sorts. He couldn't openly say no but saying yes now in front of everyone was as good as a signed agreement.

Leaning her head onto Chuck's shoulder Gwen spoke. "Good...Oh" She added, head popping back up she swatted Chuck gently. "I can't believe you didn't tell me."

Chuck felt his body tense up as his eyes darted quickly to Blair's. What had she done? What had she hinted at to Gwen? He knew this was going to happen - that's why he'd come to intervene but he must already be too late. He could only hope that it was something small, something akin to a warning from Blair. Meeting Gwen's gaze he forced himself to smile. "Tell you what?"

"That Blair went to Duke!" Gwen exclaimed crossing her arms. "More specifically that she was a Kappa."

Chuck felt his whole body relax. It was an innocuous piece of information. Something from after Blair left, not before. She hadn't betrayed him yet. "I'm sorry - I just never really thought about the connection."

Blair had watched the way Chuck had reacted. It was clear he didn't trust her around Gwen. He thought she might actually reveal things to her that he hadn't. Though that wasn't entirely a surprise since that was exactly what she'd threatened to do last time they'd seen each other. Plastering a smile on her face Blair joined in on the joke. "Yes imagine my surprise to find out that Gwen had grown up in Tennessee and gone to college at Vanderbilt. Not to mention the fact that we're sorority sisters."

Serena rolled her eyes. "You should have seen them earlier. Did you know that they have a secret handshake?" She'd been surprised when Blair had told her she'd joined a sorority - apparently as a junior it was rare but the first friend she'd met at Duke had been in Kappa and convinced her to join. That Gwen was in the same sorority at another southern school was an oddly annoying coincidence.

"Don't worry, I forgive you." Gwen said with a smile before placing a quick kiss on Chuck's lips. "Now go so you're not late for your meeting."

Nodding Chuck and Nate said their goodbyes to the girls before heading in towards the store.

After they split from the guys the girls fell back into an easy conversation but now Blair's mind was elsewhere. She'd been expecting some kind of warning from Chuck - that little check in hadn't been revealing enough. Just as they were rounding the corner she felt her cell phone vibrate. Slipping it out she smiled to herself; sometimes it scared her how well she knew him.

**Tell them you forgot something and meet me back inside.**

Reaching quickly into her purse Blair opened her wallet before immediately halting her movement. Sighing loudly she noticed the blondes stop and turn to face her. Putting the wallet back into her purse she shot them a look of frustration. "I left my card at the store."

"Okay, let's go back and get it." Gwen spoke, Serena nodding her ascent.

Blair shrugged. "No you guys go on ahead and get a table. It's a Saturday I'm sure it will be crowded. I'll go back and get the card then meet you there."

"If you're sure." Gwen said with a questioning nod.

Blair smiled. "Of course. See you in a few." She said before turning away - ignoring the look in Serena's eyes that said that she didn't buy the ruse for a moment but was letting her get away with it.

Walking back into the store she immediately spotted Chuck leaning against a nearby shirt display. Nate wasn't around but that didn't really concern her; she had no delusions about what this was about. Coming to a stop in front of Chuck she lifted her eyebrows. "Go ahead...I answered your summons didn't I?"

Chuck felt the twitch of his jaw as he narrowed his gaze at her. "Is that what this was about? Getting me to come to you?"

"What?" Blair asked, finding he'd manage to say one of the few things that might surprise her.

"Then why? What the hell are you up to?" Chuck asked taking a step closer.

Blair smirked slightly. "Getting to know the competition of course." Tilting her head slightly she let the smirk ease into a soft smile. "In all actuality I quite like Gwen and" For a moment Blair looked away unsure of how much she wanted to reveal of what she was feeling before remembering that she was trying to be honest.

"And what?" Chuck prodded curious as to the strange almost wistful look on Blair's face.

Turning back to Chuck she felt the corners of her lips turn up. Once more Blair saw the tension on his face, he was terrified she was going to sabotage his relationship."And if in the end you choose her, she's going to be a part of my life. I've started to accept that that may be something I have to get used to."

Chuck scoffed in doubt. Blair didn't back down, not like that. No Blair went in for the kill ever time. So for her to be saying this she had to be trying to lull him into a false sense of security. "You expect me to believe that?"

"After the way I acted last week at dinner, I don't expect you to believe a word that comes out of my mouth." Blair spoke completely serious. "Especially one pertaining to Gwen."

Chuck almost flinched at her words. It perturbed him that she continued to be so unexpected. He'd thought that was a ruse last week. Lull him into a false sense of security, admit to messing with his head, appear repentant, then the moment he started to relax around her to think they could be friends, she'd strike - she'd tell Gwen and he'd have no excuse.

"I won't." Blair spoke her voice soft as she looked at Chuck.

Blinking Chuck looked at her strangely. Her eyes looked so warm and compassionate and there was this look of repentance on her face that he had only rarely seen before. But what surprised him even more was that she'd followed his line of thought.

Blair smiled sadly. "It's kind of strange isn't it. I'd thought my ability to read you had disappeared completely. It ebbs and flows now - but at least I know it's still there somewhere."

Swallowing Chuck knew he couldn't address that comment, he couldn't afford to let her in enough to give an answer. He couldn't tell her that he recognized it too, that the connection he thought had been severed still lingered if only by the thinnest of threads. "What did you mean when you said that you won't?" He asked, his voice stiff.

Nodding, Blair knew that he needed to change the subject, she wouldn't dwell on her last words. "I won't tell Gwen. My threats last week were childish and uncalled for. I was upset that you were upset and it put me on the defensive. I couldn't do it, even if I wanted to."

Scoffing as though trying to force disbelief Chuck took a step towards her. "And why is that?"

Inhaling deeply, Blair let her words flow outwards with her exhale. "Because I've hurt you enough to last a lifetime. I didn't realize just how much until I saw the look on your face at the restaurant when we talked about the Hamptons. The thought of hurting you like that is almost too painful to imagine. I can't and further more I won't."

Chuck felt his heart throb loudly in his chest as his mind went back to the video of Blair in the elevator. It was true for both of them, seeing the other in pain was as bad as pain itself...maybe worse.

She could see that while Chuck's facade had cracked slightly he still wasn't sure she was telling the truth, so she continued straightening her spine as she spoke, enduing her words with a solidness that she knew he would recognize. "Look Chuck - I've made no secret of the fact that I want you back. But the thing is I want you to want me back and me destroying what you have with Gwen isn't going to do that. That would only make you hate me more. So no, I won't tell Gwen anything you don't want her to know. I won't even discuss our past with her unless she asks me. Though you might have to fill me in on what she doesn't know."

Chuck's brows pulled together as he studied her. She was being serious - even though everything he knew was telling him he couldn't trust her something inside of him knew that about this she wasn't lying. "This would be easier if you would just stay away from Gwen."

He watched her eyebrows lift and shook his head. "But I know you won't. I think she knows about what you'd expect her to know. We were close friends growing up. You were my first love. I'd loved you for basically forever and thought that I always would. I screwed up over and over again but you always came back. Then when things were good - the best they'd ever been - you disappeared in the middle of the night and it destroyed me."

Blair nodded, doing her best not to flinch as Chuck finished. He was right - that was basically what she would have assumed herself. "Okay then - well I shouldn't keep them waiting."

Exhaling Chuck wasn't sure what to say. He was putting a lot of faith in her but she was conceding things that she didn't have to concede. He couldn't exactly say thank you for not ruining his relationship but he knew that he should say something. And another part of him wanted to ask her why she'd been so distraught in the elevator but mostly he didn't want her to know he knew about that. So instead he just nodded.

Shooting Chuck a quick smile, Blair turned to head out and was halfway to the door when she heard him call out to her.

"You were really a Kappa at Duke?" Chuck asked - the words bursting forth completely on their own. His curiosity had clearly gotten the better of him but nevertheless he couldn't wipe the smile that had slipped onto his face.

Facing Chuck, Blair smiled. "You didn't know? I thought your PI would have picked up on that."

Chuck shook his head. "No - he was just supposed to find you. Then after that he was supposed to check in on your relationship status...Large groups didn't really factor into the instructions."

"But Fraternity Parties and Mixers didn't make the cut?" Blair asked with a laugh.

Chuck frowned slightly. It was probably a good thing he hadn't known about the social events back then. He could go mad with jealousy when it came to people touching things that were his. "I never thought that would be your scene." He spoke, still curious.

Smiling softly Blair nodded. "Me either. And most people join as Freshman not Juniors but I had a close friend who was a Kappa who practically begged me to join. I had to find something to keep myself busy or I would have gone insane and my studies weren't occupying enough of my time to do the trick. Honestly I tried a lot of things before joining - clubs, study sessions, offering my assistance as a TA; but nothing kept me busy enough to keep my thoughts from wandering."

Chuck found himself frowning and began to wish he hadn't asked. He knew what she was saying - that she'd had to keep herself busy to keep herself from thinking of him. The look in her eyes said it all. If she'd let herself think about him she would have changed her mind. He felt once more the loud throb of his heart as he thought about how different things might have been if he'd said something to her during one of the times he'd gone to North Carolina.

Blair knew Chuck understood what she was saying but it surprised her that he was looking at her so intently. And for the first time since she'd been back she felt the smallest pulse between them; something more than a thread that allowed her to read him, something that carried meaning. But just as quickly as she felt it run through her the connection dissipated.

Flinching Chuck pulled himself away from her gaze. No - he wouldn't let her subtly convince him that their relationship failing was his fault. It wasn't. It was hers.

Swallowing, Blair knew that the moment was over and ran a hand through her hair. "I'll see you around." She spoke quietly before turning and walking away.

Chuck turned his head back towards Blair at her words - something about the way she'd spoken had thrown him off. It wasn't until she was gone that he realized what it was. For the first time - her saying she'd see him didn't feel like a threat and worse it didn't fill him with dread.

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><p><strong>Reviews are love and help keep me inspired!<strong>

**xoxo**  
><strong>kate<strong>


	12. Memories Collecting Dust

Hi guys! I hope those of you from the US had a great holiday weekend! This is probably one of the most focused chapters of the fanfic almost so much so that it harkens back to the prologue. I've been promising a Chuck centric chapter for a while so I hope it doesn't disappoint.

To those who reviewed: **Trosev, CloudyDream, kosoul7, shanGG, Moonflower26, ChuckBlair08lover, Moozanna, lovetvtoomuchxo, Grace, PureJadore, Cascia, Pingping, GGRaina, Sharry, misssunnybluesky, CarolinaGirlGG, LovelyLydia, SouthernBelle88, CarolinaGirl21, and the numerous "Guest" reviews** – you guys are so incredible, thank you for all of the welcoming wonderful things you said. You all made me so glad I came back.

To my new beta **kosoul7** – I couldn't have done it without you. Thanks so much!

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Not Gossip Girl and not the song used below (You Don't Know Her Like I Do, by Brantley Gilbert).

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><p><strong>Chapter 11: Memories Collecting Dust<strong>

"Man, you know I love Gwen. Really I think she's great. I remember what you were like before her and it wasn't good." Nate spoke setting down his glass of scotch. "But if you aren't 100% sure then you shouldn't do it."

Shaking his head Chuck looked over at Nate. "I was sure. I was so sure that this was forever and now Blair being back has shaken me up - bringing to the surface all my old fears. It's not Gwen that I'm not sure about, it's me. I'm still just as sure about my feelings for her as I was before."

Nate exhaled as he looked carefully at his friend. They'd come here to one of their favorite bars after Bloomingdale's - Chuck had lied about having a meeting and Nate had let him. This conversation was important and Nate knew it needed to happen sooner rather than later, no matter how difficult it was. "I think that's even more reason that you need to rethink this. You can't marry someone when you're having doubts."

"She's the one that fixed me Nate. You said it yourself...where would I be if not for her? I owe her everything." Chuck said, his voice growing raw with withheld emotion.

Nodding Nate met Chuck's gaze head on. "You're right. You owe her everything. You owe her your faithfulness, your love, but more than all of that you owe it to her to be sure for her sake if not for yours. If you propose there's no going back and IF you wake up one day and realize you've made a huge mistake, you'll destroy her."

Chuck practically growled. "I wouldn't do that. Blair and I are over, for good."

Narrowing his gaze Nate looked at Chuck carefully. "You keep saying that. And while I believe that things have changed and you've really moved on, I can't stop asking myself if the person you're lying to about all this isn't us but yourself. What if something so far inside you, you don't even recognize anymore, is never going to get over Blair? What if all you're doing is prolonging the inevitable and increasing the pain that'll be inflicted on everyone in the process?"

"God damn it Nathaniel." Chuck's voice was dangerously low as he responded. "I thought we'd moved past this."

Nate ran a hand through his hair. "All I'm saying is that you have to be sure for more than you. If you don't care about Blair anymore that's fine. I know your desire for self preservation has never been all that high but you need to remember that what you do now, you do to Gwen too.

Swallowing Chuck looked down at his scotch glass. "I think you underestimate my desire for self preservation. You don't remember what it was like when she left, when I'd realized I'd lost her for good." Looking back up he almost smirked. "Do you?"

Tilting his head slightly, Nate met Chuck's gaze. He knew exactly what his friend was referring to - it wasn't when Blair had first left, it was two years after that. Something that summer had made Chuck crack. But the thing was, it was that exact moment he was referencing as well. "Don't you?"

"What do you mean?" Chuck asked, actually surprised by Nate's inquiring tone. "Blair destroyed me."

Nodding, Nate's voice changed slightly, gaining more confidence. "Yeah, realizing you'd lost Blair absolutely destroyed you. I don't know what happened that summer, but whatever it was it broke you. But do you remember what you told me?"

Chuck's brow furrowed in confusion. He hadn't been certain that Nate was following him. He'd automatically assumed that Nate wouldn't necessarily draw the connection to the summer two years ago when Chuck had finally fallen apart following the Hamptons - though it seemed as though his friend was more perceptive than he'd realized. And truth be told he didn't remember. "No." He spoke his voice dark.

Leaning further in Nate lowered his own voice. "That I didn't understand, that I never had and never would." Meeting Chuck's gaze Nate continued. "You told me that she was your best friend, your everything. You said you would do whatever it took to get her back, no matter how long it took; that you would track her down and drag her back kicking and screaming if you had to."

Chuck rolled his eyes. "I was a dramatic little prick wasn't I?" But in truth he was uncomfortable because his mind was fuzzy on this. The only explanation was that he wasn't letting himself remember or that he'd just been that drunk.

Propping his head with his hand Nate exhaled. "Your exact words when I accused you of being suicidal - 'I might as well be dead already. Living without her is like trying to exist without oxygen. I'm drowning in the pain, every moment more excruciating than the last.'"

"Jesus, how do you even remember what I said word for word, two years ago?" Chuck asked, evading Nate's actual question.

Nate frowned. "When your best friend is talking in suicidal monologues it's kind of hard to forget. Besides…that last line is something that stays with you."

"What's your point Nathaniel?" Chuck asked, feeling strangely dejected.

Standing Nate shook his head. "My point, is that less than two months after that conversation you were dating Gwen."

Chuck stared at Nate unable to do anything but blink. It had been longer than two months hadn't it?

Seeing the shocked look on Chuck's face Nate just shook his head. "I'm not Team Blair, I think that Gwen is just about perfect for you but if you don't take your time to figure things out you're going to ruin everything you've worked so hard to build."

Chuck still stared at his friend. His words sounded forceful and almost pained. It was enough to shock Chuck into actually listening. "I think I need to be alone and think." He spoke, his voice sounded wrong to his ears. Somewhere along the way, Nate had started paying better attention to his life than he was. And Chuck had never even noticed.

Nate shot him a look of concern - something he'd said had definitely broken through Chuck's facade but he didn't really know what. Nodding he stood, understanding that he'd done what he could to help. Now all that was left was to let Chuck think things through.

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><p>Swallowing tightly, Chuck looked at the wall of the room he and Nate had always called the Bachelor Pad in his Penthouse. He was on his fourth glass of scotch and he'd begun to feel numb. He couldn't help but wonder though if he was numb enough to do what it was he was about to do.<p>

Squeezing his eyes tightly he knew he didn't have another choice - he had to do this. If he didn't he wouldn't be sure. And Nate was right, fuck Blair to hell because she'd done it again. She'd come back and fucked up his life even when he'd stayed away, when he hadn't let her in. Just her being here was enough to ruin everything.

Now he had to do it, he had to let himself remember how he'd felt, how he'd loved her, and how she'd destroyed all that. Standing he walked slowly towards the bookshelf in the room. Reaching up to the third shelf from the top, he touched _The Catcher In the Rye_, ignoring the shaking in his hand as he pulled the book towards him until he felt the latch release.

He tried not to wince as he swung out the false shelf, revealing the real shelf behind it. Chuck exhaled as his fingers ran over the bound leather of his journals. No one knew about these, not even Blair, unless she'd known and never said. They dated back to his childhood, waning over time until they stopped. He knew without looking that the last journal was dated December 31st, 2013. He'd stopped journaling the day he'd given up on Blair.

Tugging the final year from it's resting place where it had been gathering dust he slammed closed the shelf. He wouldn't break, he couldn't afford to break again because Gwen deserved better. Locking the door to the room he sat down in the corner chair clutching the journal in his hands. He knew where to open the book, right near the middle he'd find May, he'd find the Hamptons.

_Saturday May 18th, 2013_

_I can hardly believe I'm writing this. I feel like I'm dreaming, there's no way that this could be real. But I'm here and she's beside me, her legs tangled with mine, her body pressed against my side. It's like no time's passed at all. Maybe that's it, maybe this isn't the dream, maybe I've been living in a nightmare for the past two years. If so I'm awake now and I'll never go back there again. Without her I don't exist, not really and being this close to her, touching her, proves that in a way that nothing else could. _

_Looking down at her sleeping form, she's perfection, her chocolate curls, ivory skin, black lashes hiding her warm brown eyes, her lips slightly parted allowing warm breath to slip past. It doesn't matter that she left, it doesn't matter what she's done or who she's been with. I should care but I can't bring myself to do anything but love her. I'll do whatever it takes to keep her this time, whatever is necessary. Losing her again would destroy me - she's everything. _

Chuck slammed his head back against the chair. His blind optimism turned his stomach and he hated the memories that seemed to wash over him like waves. The only part of the Hamptons he'd allowed himself to keep with him was the memory of her leaving, remembering the good was torturous. He didn't want to keep reading but he couldn't stop now.

_Tuesday May 21, 2013 _

_We've been unable to keep our hands off each other the past few days. My two years of abstinance feels more right now than it ever has. With any other girl it would have just been fucking but with Blair everything is different. Every single time I swear I love her more. Her body is perfect, the way it fits against mine makes me wonder how I ever was able to satisfy myself with anyone else. There is no one but her. _

Chuck cringed at his own words but continued reading, finding himself vaguely curious about what he'd written. Such a haze had settled over that time he almost felt like he was reading about something that had happened to someone else. Of course that only lasted until he read it and remembered and then the pain of that memory flashed through him like lightening.

_Blair's different than she used to be. She's always been so strong and independent but the fragility that was once there has faded. She cooks now and she's actually damn good. And there's this certainty she seems to have about everything she does. I think she's becoming her own person, away from all the pressure she used to have crushing her in New York. _

_As hard as this is for me to admit I think that maybe she was right to leave - the way she did it hurt like hell but maybe that's the only way she could make herself go. We didn't know who we were without the other, we didn't know how to stand alone. But now, now I can see how she's changed and there's a glimmer there of the woman that she's going to become. So maybe then wasn't our time, maybe our time is right now._

God could he have been any more cheesy? Chuck thought to himself as he turned the page. He'd been such a lovesick puppy, ready to fall at her damn feet. Turning the page he almost groaned in disgust at his next words.

_Friday, May 24 2013_

_I've never felt more secure in our relationship than I do in this moment. I knew something was bothering her so I brought her out to the beach for a midnight picnic - I would have felt like a chump doing it for anyone else but Blair is different, Blair is always different. I was fucking terrified but I let it all go and opened up to her in every way I could. I didn't mean to but I begged her never to leave me again. The moment the words slipped from my lips I started panicking so I know I babbled. I wasn't ready to say all those things yet but I couldn't risk another moment passing without her knowing how much I needed her. Hearing her say that she never wanted to let me go was like the air that I needed to finally breathe again._

I'm not naïve. I know there will be adjustments, that we can't just magically pick up where things left off. She hasn't mentioned the guy I saw her with yet and I'm not sure what that means but she admitted that she's only really happy with me and that's what matters. In the end that's all that matters. I thought I would wait before giving her back the ring, at least until she asks about it. I'll never say that Tuscany was a mistake - it's one of the most perfect memories of my life - but it might have been too much too fast. Maybe that's why when we returned it everything went to hell. I won't make that mistake again. I have her back. I finally have her back and I'm never screwing that up again. But last night I gave it to her, or maybe what I did was offer it to her and she took it. Now it's back where it belongs. Always and forever.

Chuck's hand began to shake as he turned the page because he knew what was next. He knew what would come.

_Saturday May 25th 2013_

_She's gone. _

_I feel...I feel numb. Yet at the same time I'm overwhelmed with pain. More than pain, anguish._

_She left. And it feels different this time. It feels final. Last time I was sure she'd come back but this time, this time I don't know anything. I feel like my heart's been ripped from my chest. _

_She said it was all for revenge. Revenge. How could Nate have been right about that? I felt it. I felt how much she loved me the past few days - that wasn't revenge. _

_I don't know what game she's playing but I swore I wouldn't let her get away from me again and I won't. I can't. _

_I'm not letting her go. I'll find her, I'll track her down, I'll bring her back to me. Whatever it takes. _

His hands ran over his head, gripping into his hair as the memories seemed to explode from the far corners of his brain where he'd shelfed them. Each one more painful than the one before it. He'd read what he'd needed to read, every new word he read stung like a knife but they'd served their purpose.

He remembered the voicemails, the ones he'd left her every day. Some were detailed in the journal, others just seemed to be imprinted in his head. And now they were there in his brain playing on repeat.

_I don't know why you left Blair but I know it wasn't revenge. I'm not going to let you do this to us, not again. I know what you said you did but I don't believe you. I'll stop you, you know I will. I promised I wouldn't let you go again and I won't. All I want, all I need, is you. I love you Blair. _

_After being with you again nothing's right. I know you feel the same. You couldn't feel what we felt then go back to living without it. Call me back Blair, tell me where you are. Or better yet come home. _

_Blair, I know you're listening to these because I know you. You're probably listening to them over and over again as you memorize every word. So memorize this. I love you. I love you more than life. I love you more than this wretched company. I love you more than you love yourself. Hell I love you more than I love myself. I'm not letting go, my happiness, my ability to breathe depends on you. And I'm too damn selfish to live without that. I'm going to find you B. _

_You know you can't hide from me forever. I went looking for you and wherever it is that you are is well hidden, but it's not good enough. I'm going to track you down Blair and when I do I'm going to bring you home even if it's kicking and screaming. I'm going to lock you in my bedroom and never let you go again. Fuck I'll make love to you until you never want to leave my bed. It's only a matter of time - so save us both the trouble and come back now. _

_I'm sorry for my last message Waldorf - I was drunk and upset and I couldn't seem to control myself. But it doesn't make what I said any less true. I need you Blair. I need you, I want you, I love you. You fucking consume me. Come home. _

_Drunk dialing again you ask? The answer of course is yes. Because you see I can't stop. I can't stop drinking because it numbs the pain if only for a moment. I can't stop calling because I can't stop loving you. You're like a fucking disease and when you aren't here I'm dying. Or more than that. You're like my air and I'm suffocating here without you. I love you. _

_Where are you Blair? Where the fuck are you? Why can't my team of PI's find you? Believe me when I say that you can't run forever. When I do find you I'm never letting you go again._

_Blair, please come home. Please. I can't do this anymore. I can't. I need you to live. I need you to breathe. Please, just come back to me. I'll do any...anything._

_I love you Blair._

As the words pounded through his brain his thoughts rushed elsewhere. He remembered going to Duke looking for her, then going to Stanford still trying to find her. He'd called her parents seeing if they'd heard from her. He even asked Nate and Serena though he didn't tell them why he was suddenly looking. There had been nothing.

He'd lost his mind over her. They'd all known it. He'd absolutely gone crazy trying to find her and when he hadn't he had drunk himself into oblivion. Trying to wash away the pain.

Turning to a day in late June he looked at words he'd written, words that were as close to a suicide note as he'd ever come. It was the day she'd answered. It hadn't been an unusual day by any other measure. He'd been holed up in his suite at the Empire just as he'd spent the past several weeks. He still remembered the way his heart had seemed to literally stop when he heard the click on the other end of the line.

_Chuck could barely breathe. He'd been distracted, barely paying attention to the phone ringing in his hand until he'd heard the click on the other side instead of her voicemail. _

_"__Blair..." He breathed after what felt like hours but was probably mere seconds. He'd been calling her for weeks with carefully rehearsed speeches but now he didn't even know what to say. Swallowing tightly he forced back the tightness in his throat that was stinging his eyes and let everything go. "I love you Blair. I love you and I need you. Without you I'm nothing. You're all I have, you're all I need, and you're the only thing I've ever wanted." He spoke, his voice struggling to force the words from his chest as he held back the sobs that threatened to burst forth - this could be his only chance, he couldn't screw it up. "Come home Blair. Come home to me." _

_After a moment of silence on the other end he thought that the connection had dropped but he could see on his phone's screen that it wasn't the case. "I know you're there. Please just say something. Please."_

_"__I love you. Blair, you're my air I swear to god I need you to breathe, to survive." Chuck added, desperately, his voice beginning to crack. "I love you. I...love...you."_

_He heard one deep shuddering breath before the phone clicked off. And when it did he shattered into a million different pieces. Nothing could ever fix this, nothing but her. _

It had been a few days later that Nate had come by. He'd been drowning himself in liquor, anything to dull the unbearable pain. It had been a couple weeks since he'd tossed Nate out of the penthouse on the premise that he needed some time alone but that didn't stop his friend from making increasingly regular visits. He'd known even then that he'd passed the point of self-destruction into the territory of suicidal and he hadn't tried in the slightest to hide it.

_"__You need to get up." Nate exclaimed barging into Chuck's room. "I sat by and watched you fall apart for four weeks and I'm not going to do it anymore." _

_Chuck turned his head, looking at Nate with a bored expression. "Why on earth are you in my room Nathaniel?"_

_Nate walked near the bed, pacing the carpet quickly. "Because I'm done sitting around watching you destroy everything you've built. Speaking of destroying - what the fuck happened in the living room?" Nate asked firmly, as he thought back to the mess of shattered glass and broken furniture._

_"__I broke some things." Chuck spoke carelessly - thinking to himself that he'd wanted to see if anything could be shattered as completely as he'd been shattered. It couldn't. "Don't you have something better to do than harass me? Didn't I hear you and my sister were on the outs again?" _

_"__Nuh uh, you don't get to turn this around on me." Nate spoke determined to get his best friend's ass out of this room even if he got his head ripped off in the process. "You have a business trip to China that you can't miss. If you do the board is going to look into replacing you." _

_Chuck shrugged. "Let them." _

_"__What the fuck is wrong with you man?" Nate exclaimed emphatically. Two months ago you were obsessed with the company, now you're acting as though you don't even care." _

_Shrugging again Chuck looked up at Nate with dead eyes. "I don't."_

_"__Bullshit." Nate spat as he crossed his arms. "For the past two years that's all you've cared about, ever since Blair walked out ..." Nate's voice slowed as he his arms fell to his sides. He'd seen a flicker in Chuck's eyes. It had been almost imperceptible but he'd seen it. "She's gone man. She's been gone. Now get your shit together before you ruin your life." _

**_Hey old friend, thanks for calling  
>It's good to know somebody cares<br>And yeah she's gone, but I don't feel like talking_**_  
><em>_**Might be just too much to bear**_

_Chuck laughed darkly to himself before he looked up at Nate. "Give the boy a gold star he's finally figured it out." _

_Nate shook his head slowly. "So this is still about Blair. I knew you were looking for her again but I didn't realize..." _

_Lifting an eyebrow spitefully, Chuck turned his head. "Then what exactly did you think was going on? That I was depressed? That I'd fallen apart for no reason? Of course it's Blair, it's always been about Blair." _

**_To hear somebody say it stops hurting  
>Or to hear somebody say that she ain't worth it<em>**

_"__I thought we were past all of that." Nate spoke cautiously. He knew every year around the time she left Chuck fell apart, this year had been no different - he'd actually even looked for her this time. But he'd been sure that this was something else. "Man I know you loved her but it's been years. It's time to move on." _

_Chuck's eyes flashed as he stood and began walking towards the door, anything to get away from Nate. "Thanks for stopping by, for caring, but if it's all the same to you I'd rather be alone." _

_Nate followed Chuck from the room but he held his ground. "I'm not leaving until we talk about this." _

**_Cause you don't know her like I do  
>You'll never understand<br>And you don't know what we've been through  
>Yeah, that girl's my best friend<em>**

_"__I can always call security. Of course I'd need to have them confiscate your key in the process." Chuck spoke flippantly as he walked towards his landline. _

_Nate ignored Chuck's jabs and shook his head. "You act like I don't know how you feel - like you're the only one she left behind. But she's not worth all this." Nate said gesturing around the room _

_Fire burned through Chuck's veins so strongly he couldn't control his reaction and he snapped. "You think you understand? If that weren't such an asinine comment I'd think it was cute. You have no fucking idea what I'm dealing with." _

**_And there's no way you're gonna help me  
>She's the only one who can<br>No, you don't know how much I've got to lose  
>You don't know her like I do<em>**

_Stalking forward Nate had to refrain from knocking some sense into Chuck. "You think I don't get it? I may not feel the same way about her you do but I assure you I can at very least empathize. I know how much you loved her, how much it hurt you when she left." _

_"__Clearly you don't." Chuck snapped. "Something you proved time and time again when you threw her away or undervalued her."_

_Nate shook his head refusing to respond to Chuck's jab. "I don't understand what's triggering this Chuck. You've been mostly fine for the past two years, I thought you were over her. Why this? Why now?" Nate asked with furrowed brows. _

**_I can't forget, I'm drowning in these memories.  
>It fills my soul with all the little things.<br>And I can't cope, it's like a death inside the family  
>It's like she stole my way to breathe<em>**

_Chuck actually felt a jolt at Nate's words because they did dredge up a question in him. Why now? Why was he falling apart when he hadn't the first time? But really he knew the answer, of course he knew. "I'll never get over Blair, I never could. That you think I could proves you don't have any idea the depth of my feelings for her. She's the love of my life, my everything, my lover, my best friend, my family, my strength, my weakness, my way to fucking breathe."_

_Nate flinched, he'd never heard someone describe any emotion quite like that, especially not Chuck. Not even years ago when he was fighting so hard to get her back. _

_Before Nate could say anything Chuck continued. "You can't understand because you've never had so little that could cause you to depend so completely on one person." Chuck spoke, his voice sounding raw to his own ears._

**_So don't try to tell me i'll stop hurting  
>Don't try to tell me she ain't worth it<em>**

_Nate felt his resolve shake as he heard Chuck's words. He was at least partially right - he'd never felt something so incredibly complex. "But that still doesn't tell me why now?" Nate spoke with an exhale._

_Chuck swallowed, narrowing his gaze as Nate seemed to blur before him in his drunken haze. "Now. It's happening now because I know that she's not coming back to me on her own. The only way she's coming back to me is if I drag her back here kicking and screaming. Which I fully intend to do the moment I find out where the fuck she is."_

_"__What changed?" Nate asked unable to shake his curiosity even through Chuck's obvious turmoil._

**_Cause you don't know her like I do  
>You'll never understand<br>And you don't know what we've been through  
>That girl's my best friend<em>**

_Shaking his head Chuck exhaled. He wasn't telling Nate what had happened, no that was his and Blair's alone, it wasn't for other people to know. "I woke up. I quit being a delusional child. She's not coming back. I've spent two years ignoring the obvious and trying to convince myself otherwise because I couldn't bear the alternative." Chuck laughed darkly and ran a hand through his hair. "Clearly, I still can't." _

_"__What are you saying Chuck? What do you mean you couldn't bear it?" Nate questioned feeling his heartbeat pick up, Chuck was starting to really worry him. He didn't know why his best friend was breaking, he didn't understand but he knew the ultimate cause. This had been what they'd all expected in the beginning, when it had never come they'd been shocked. It was obvious to him what was happening now - Chuck had let go of hope. _

_"__I'm saying that without her there's no point to this." He spoke flinging his arms around, his voice growing louder. "I don't want this, I don't want any of it. Without her it means nothing to me. It's a crushing reminder of what's left of me. I'm hollow."_

**_And there's no way you're gonna help me  
>She's the only one who can<br>No, you don't know how much I've got to lose  
>You don't know her like I do. Oh Like i do.<em>**

_Nate's eyes widened as he realized the depth of Chuck's depression, he hadn't known it had gotten so bad. His expression dropped, becoming completely serious. "Tell me you're not suicidal. Tell me that you haven't even considered it." _

_Chuck laughed and shot a quick glance at Nate. "Would you like me to lie?" _

_"__FUCK." Nate cursed loudly taking a few steps closer to Chuck. _

**_You don't know her like I do  
>You'll never understand<br>You don't know what we've been through  
>That girl's my best friend<em>**

_Chuck swallowed, flinching as Nate spoke. He hadn't meant to tell Nate that he'd thought about it - but he couldn't think of a lie quickly enough that would roll off his tongue. "Why not? I might as well be dead already. I'm never getting over her or moving past this, never. Living without her is like trying to exist without oxygen. I'm drowning in the pain, every moment more excruciating than the last. I can't even bring myself to function through it." _

_Walking quickly towards his friend, Nate placed his hands on Chuck's shoulders, forcing him to look at him. "You can't do that. You can't be stupid enough to think that solves anything. What would happen to the company? Me and Serena? And Lily...it would kill her. Not to mention what it would do to Blair when she found out - whatever happened between the two of you, you know she'd blame herself." _

**_There's no way you're gonna help me  
>She's the only one who can<br>No, you don't know how much I've got to lose_**

_"__I'm not sure any of that matters anymore - it doesn't feel like it does." Chuck spoke, feeling himself letting go of everything around him. "I can't anymore, Nate. I'm tired. And I'm so tired of being tired." _

_Nate bristled, he'd never heard Chuck call him Nate before - he was Nathaniel. What he'd thought was a dramatic turn by his best friend turned out to be a lot worse. He wasn't sure how to deal with this. "She's not worth it Chuck. I love her too but she's not worth destroying yourself - nothing is." _

_Chuck exhaled loudly, feeling one deep almost desperate sob rack his body. Looking up at Nate he shrugged his shoulders. "I don't feel anything but pain and I don't know how to feel anything else. Everything makes me think of her, everything. I can't go outside but I can't be here. She's everywhere." _

**_No you never know how much I've got to lose  
>You don't know her like I do.<em>**

_Swallowing Nate felt for the first time that he might know a way out of this. "I have an idea." He spoke, feeling the smallest flicker of a smile. He had to get Chuck out of the Empire - he had to give him something new that Blair had nothing to do with. "Did you know that the New Yorker's for sale?" _

**_Not like I do._**

Pain rippled through him the moment he remembered everything, like an electrocurrent crippling him. This pain was something he knew well, something he remembered now so clearly. It was almost like an old friend, this agony. How had he survived this for so many months? How had he managed to drag himself from this? Because right now it felt as though he was suffocating again.

Why was he putting himself through this pain, this anguish again? He hadn't let her back in but he'd made the decision to remind himself of why he hadn't. And now it was like he was living it all over again. Had he ever really moved past it or had he just forced it all aside, made himself forget it, until it didn't ache every moment. If that was the case was there even a way out that didn't involve Blair? Would this pain always be there beneath it all unless he had her by his side. Did he really need her to breathe, was there a way to exist without her. He was gasping for air, trying to breathe but nothing seemed to be happening.

He was close to blacking out when he heard it, something calling to him almost as though it came from deep within him. It shattered the wall of darkness and agony that was crushing in on him with a bright light forcing it all away.

"Chuck? Where are you?" Gwen called as she walked through the apartment, surprised that he wasn't in bed or at the very least, in the office.

The air that filled his lungs was the most beautiful thing he'd ever felt. It was clearer to him in that moment than it had ever been. It had been Gwen who'd saved him. She'd been the one to force the pieces left, after Blair walked away, into some semblance of a man.

Exhaling he relaxed before forcing himself to his feet. The rest didn't matter. That all consuming all devouring love he'd felt for Blair was insignificant now because of Gwen. He pushed away the soft nagging at the back of his brain that seemed to disagree. It was small, it was unimportant. Gwen was the one who saved him, he owed her everything. And he wouldn't let Blair derail that, he wouldn't let her ruin him.

"I'm in here." He called out, putting his journal back where it belonged collecting dust with any other memory of her, before making his way to the door. Those memories, those feelings, weren't a part of him anymore. He wouldn't allow them to be.

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><p><strong>Oh the feels I get just from posting this. Hope you all enjoyed it!<strong>

**Reviews are always appreciated ****J**

**xoxo kate**


	13. Needing to Know

Hi darlings! Here's the next chapter and since I made you wait an extra day it's a nice long one. This is one of those chapters that might not seem like it has major developments but a lot is revealed in this chapter. If you're paying attention you'll note several inconsistencies in characters' stories – this happens in three ways:

1) Point of View – especially in flashback, how someone remembers something may not be how it happened or it may look one way to them but actually be another way.

2) All Characters are Liars – Every single one of them is lying about something (or multiple things) to various people. So you can't always take their words at face value. Their internal thoughts aren't lies though

3) Foul Play – There may be instances of interference going on in the background by different parties at different times.

That said enjoy the chapter :)

To my reviewers: **Sharryy, stilettomafia, PureJadore, scarlett2u, Moozanna, LovelyLydia, ChuckBlair08lover, lovetvtoomuchxo, Grace, Katy, shanGG, Pingping, misssunnybluesky, GGfanficfan09, CarolinaGirl21, and the lovely Guest reviews I received** - Seriously guys, you are all so freaking amazing. I'm sorry I didn't get around to answering everyone's reviews this week – I'm crazy busy with work and thought you'd prefer a new update instead of a reply. xoxo kate

Disclaimer – I own nothing.

To my beta – kosoul7, you are beyond amazing, couldn't have gotten this chapter up without you!

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 12: Needing to Know<strong>

Dan smiled. "Seriously thank you." He whispered before realizing that they had both been standing there talking in hushed tones for entirely too long. "Let's go in the living room so we can actually talk." He spoke, picking up the portable baby monitor as they walked out.

Sitting down on the couch Blair exhaled. "Okay what is it you want to ask about? I can tell there's something."

Dan shook his head - her ability to read people was legitimately uncanny. "Victrola." Dan said knowing there was no reason to hesitate. What surprised him was her lack of reaction.

Blair tilted her head slightly. That hadn't been what she'd expected Dan to say - she thought he'd bring up Chuck but Victrola wasn't the direction she'd assumed he'd go. "What about it?" Blair asked.

Dan's eyes widened as he walked around to the chair. "He sold the property."

Blair pressed her lips together though she was doing her best to look nonchalant. She knew she had to choose her next words carefully. "He didn't tell me he'd found a buyer."

Dan shook his head slightly. "The sell was bank official as of yesterday. It was a gift to Gwen." He added with a small frown. He knew why this was a gift to Gwen but he had to wonder if Gwen really knew herself.

"She'd told me she'd been on him to sell it for a while, that she didn't know why he was holding onto it so tightly." Blair smirked to herself. "If she had known she'd realize what a gift it was, what Chuck was saying by selling it."

Swallowing Dan smiled crookedly. Blair's eyes saw so much more than everyone else's. "So you're not upset?"

Blair sighed loudly. "I'm not sure I have a right to be." Looking up at the ceiling she tried to blink back the sudden tears that were stinging her eyes. She'd been so strong these last few weeks - being with Dan made her feel like she could fall apart and still be okay but that wasn't something she wanted to lay on him. Inhaling deeply she looked at him, knowing her eyes were probably shining, "But unfortunately that doesn't change the fact that I am."

Moving quickly to the couch, Dan slung his arm around her shoulder. "You knew this was going to be tough; but you chose to stay and fight."

"I know." Blair spoke taking a shuddering breath. "Sometimes it's just really hard, you know."

"I know." Dan replied as she leaned her head against his shoulder. "I can't lie to you and say that what you're going through is anything like what he went through when you left him." He expected her to say something but she was completely still against him. He didn't even hear her breathing.

Looking down at her he studied her carefully, watching for a reaction. "The first time you left him was bad enough, but the second...that summer after the Hamptons even I was worried. He waited for you, he looked for you, and when you didn't come back he collapsed."

Closing her eyes Blair made the conscious decision to just let what she was holding back go. "I waited...for him." She spoke her words perfectly enunciated.

"What?" Dan asked leaning forwards to try to catch her gaze.

Blair swallowed tightly feeling her throat burn as she turned to look at Dan. "I knew I'd fucked up the moment the plane took off from the Hamptons but I wouldn't let myself think about that because I was afraid I'd turn around and leave Austin when he needed me the most. His dad - the only parent he had left was dying - what was I supposed to do? Tell him I was still in love with my ex and leave him? And I was terrified that if I called Chuck, the second I heard his voice I'd be on a plane to New York."

Blair's mind drifted quickly back to that summer, it was one of the most painful times in her life. She'd hated every moment of it.

_Blair paced outside the doors to the hospital, staring at the cell phone in her hand every few seconds. Maybe she should just call him, call him and tell him what had happened. She'd hurt him to try to give herself time to deal with everything that was going on with Austin, and everything that was still going on with her. She'd thought that was the right thing to do – for both of them. But she'd been wrong. She shouldn't have hurt him; she should have been honest about Austin and about how scared she was of letting Chuck love her. And now she was stuck in this purgatory. She couldn't just walk away and leave Austin when he's father had days left at best. But not being able to call Chuck, to tell Chuck that she loved him, that she would always love him was torture. He might never forgive her if she waited too long - but she knew the moment she heard his voice she'd want to be in his arms. Being in limbo like this was killing her; but she had to have faith that once this ordeal with Austin was over Chuck would still love her._

_She was confused though. When her plane had touched down in Charleston she'd half expected Chuck to be standing on the tarmac, leaning back against a limo with his arms crossed, giving her the patented 'I'm Chuck Bass' look. But then the days began to pass. She'd been there as best as she could for Austin but she'd constantly been thinking of Chuck. _

_He'd sworn he was going to follow her to the ends of the earth but so far she hadn't even had a phone call. She'd known she had to be here and support Austin but even as she'd been doing that all she could do was think about Chuck and agonize over the fact that he hadn't shown up in Charleston yet. The fear that he could have given up was eating her alive. Leaving wasn't something she'd done to test him. That hadn't been her intention at all. But if it had been, he certainly didn't pass. So now she stood here contemplating the possibility of calling him. _

_If she did she could explain everything and hope that he forgave her. She'd do whatever it took to prove to him that they were forever. But she was worried that if she let herself focus on that now she'd be completely unable to be there for Austin in the way that she should be._

_And she couldn't just abandon Austin, even though it had been obvious from the moment she returned that he wanted to pick up where they left off. She knew what he wanted, but she couldn't give that to him, not anymore when she was so sure of how she felt with Chuck. But she couldn't break his heart now, not when he was already so alone. _

_So being with Chuck would have to wait and she'd have to hold out hope that he wouldn't give up - even though it already felt like he had. _

_Exhaling she dialed a different number on her phone, mostly because she couldn't keep all this bottled up any longer._

_"Hey S, sorry I'm just now getting in touch." Blair spoke forcing a smile and hoping it carried over to her voice. The last thing she wanted was for Serena to know how miserable she was. _

_"Blair?" Serena asked confused. "Who's phone are you using? The area code was 919 - I almost didn't answer. Is everything okay? I didn't think I'd hear from you until you got back from France."_

_Blair blinked for a moment confused before realizing why Serena was taken aback. "Oh I'd forgotten you wouldn't have this number. I got this phone a couple years back because Verizon service was spotty down here back then so I kept it for emergencies. But I haven't been able to find my phone since I got back from the Hamptons." As she spoke she realized for the first time that if Serena didn't have this number then Chuck probably didn't either. For a moment she relaxed - when she got off the phone with Serena maybe she could at least send him a text._

_"Oh..." Serena spoke quietly. She paused for a moment wondering if she should mention to Blair that Chuck was looking for her or if she should just leave it alone. At very least she needed to figure out what was going on with Blair first. "So everything's okay then? I got your message about postponing your New York trip until later in the summer."_

_Exhaling Blair shook her head slightly. "Austin's dad had a heart attack so I'm not in France." _

_"Blair, I'm so sorry." Serena said with a sigh, all thoughts of Chuck fleeing her mind. "Is it serious? Is Austin okay?" _

_Pressing her lips together, Blair pushed back the pain she was feeling on Austin's behalf but when she opened her mouth, a strangled sob came out instead of the words she'd expected. _

_"Oh B..." Serena said feeling overwhelming. "Is there anything I can do?"_

_"No. That's the worst part, I feel so helpless." Blair spoke, her voice tight with tears. "There's only one thing I think I can do but it's the one thing that I can't." _

_Serena found herself confused at Blair's last statement. "What do you mean sweetie?" _

_Blair blinked trying to force back the tears stinging her eyes. "Austin wants to lose himself in me and that's not fair, to any of us. Not anymore." _

_"But I thought you and Austin were on solid ground?" Serena asked. "I mean I know you'd decided to take this summer off but surely this changes things where that's concerned." _

_Swallowing Blair shook her head, casting a quick glance at the hospital door. "Serena, so much has happened...there's so much I need to tell you." _

_Just as she was about to say more, Blair saw Austin emerge from the hospital room tears streaming down his face. One look was all it took and she knew. "Serena I have to go, I'll call you later." _

_Snapping the phone shut she walked over and embraced Austin, allowing him to collapse against her. She didn't say anything, she knew there was nothing you could say to someone who'd lost their father - the only relative they had left. So instead she just held him._

_When his grief began to make him unsteady Blair helped him over to a bench, pulling his head against her chest and stroking his hair as he cried. His agony was tearing her apart as was her own guilt. She'd been here the past few weeks for him but her heart had been somewhere else entirely._

_After what might have been hours Austin began to mumble against her shoulder. Pulling back slightly, she bent her head to meet his gaze. "What is it?" She asked softly._

_Swallowing Austin looked up and met her gaze and in that moment he didn't feel quite so lost. When she was with him, her arms holding him, he didn't feel as though the world were falling apart around him, or if it was he felt like with the two of them together that didn't matter. "I've ruined your blouse. I'm sorry."_

_Looking down Blair noticed that indeed the silk was probably done for before looking back up. "Probably, but I don't care about a stupid shirt." _

_Leaning close Austin rested his forehead against her's and took a deep shuddering breath. "I don't know what I'd do without you. You're the only thing that's held me together the past few weeks." _

_Blair closed her eyes and breathed in and out a few times as the guilt washed through her. He needed her and she was practically plotting a way to extract herself. "I'm always going to be here for you. You know that." _

_Austin nodded, placing his hands on either side of her face. "I do. When I'm with you I actually believe that everything's going to be okay. God I'm so glad you're here." He stroked her cheeks with his thumbs as he sighed. "I love you so much Blair, I don't know what I did before you but now, I can't begin to imagine my life without you in it darling." _

_Blair froze as her heart clenched painfully. She loved Austin so much but it wasn't the same kind of love that she felt for Chuck. She didn't know what to say, what to do. She couldn't leave Austin now...not until she knew he was going to be okay. _

_Smiling ever so slightly Austin leaned in and placed his lips against hers. Blair let him kiss her but she couldn't kiss him back, not now that she knew the difference. Drawing away slightly, she spoke her voice quiet. "Austin..."_

_Austin furrowed his brow slightly as his fingers stroked her hair. "What's wrong? Is everything okay?" _

_Blair nodded as she reached up and took his hand in hers. "I love you." She spoke looking directly into his eyes. "But I'm not ready for more. I still need this summer." _

_Austin's brows pulled tightly together. "Oh, I just...I thought that after everything that had happened we'd moved past that." _

_Swallowing Blair tried to force a smile, knowing she most likely looked strained. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt Austin - that would make everything else pointless - but she didn't want to lie to him either. "There's a lot of things from my past, things that I haven't gotten over. And before I can move forwards, I have to deal with that." _

_She hadn't lied, she'd actually been quite honestly - almost blatantly so. She wasn't over Chuck, their relationship, the way they'd left things, any of it and she wasn't over the issues she'd had that caused her to leave him both times. She really did have things to deal with before moving forward...with anyone. She knew it had worked when she saw the gentle smile on his face. _

_"Of course." Austin spoke his voice soft. He'd let himself forget that Blair had been running from a past relationship for a long time, she was just beginning to really let him in, he couldn't push her like that or he'd lose her. "I'm sorry – it's just that right now, I only feel okay when I'm close to you."_

_Nodding, Blair pulled him to her in a hug. "Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere." She spoke pushing back the fear, the anxiety, and the guilt. First she had to take care of Austin, then she could worry about herself. _

Shaking herself from her memories, she turned completely to face Dan and exhaled. "I thought he'd come after me, I wanted him to come after me. He'd sworn he would never let me leave him again. I tore myself apart when he didn't. And I know that isn't an excuse but I thought he'd given up on us."

"Blair...he did everything he could to find you. He didn't give up. Hell, I'm still not sure he has." Dan spoke eyes narrowed. But at the same time his heart was pounding. They'd blamed Blair for this for so long but there was so much more to all of this than any of them had been aware of.

Shaking her head, Blair felt her voice crack as she spoke. "He says he didn't but if Chuck wanted to find me he would have. He's Chuck Bass and I wasn't hiding. I took the chartered plane straight to Charleston, he could have just pulled the flight record."

Tilting his head curiously Dan shot her a confused look. There were pieces of this story that were still shaped like gaping holes. Blair was right, Chuck would have pulled the flight record for that plane; but he knew for a fact that Chuck had gone crazy looking for her. Before he could say anything Blair was talking again, though almost to herself.

"Unless..." Blair spoke, her mind working quickly, barely even realizing she was speaking. "He must have deleted the flight record...I didn't ask him to do that."

Narrowing his eyes as he tried to read her, Dan shook his head. "Who exactly are you talking about? I thought Austin didn't know you'd been in the Hamptons."

Blair's eyes snapped open as she looked at Dan. Now she'd done it, there was no way out of this without admitting something she hadn't planned to say. "This does not go in your book got it?"

Dan nodded slowly. "Alright, fair enough." Too curious to deny that request, even if whatever it was turned out to be critical.

"I was talking about Jack." She spoke her voice measured. "When I need to get away quickly Jack is who I call. It's happened a couple times."

Dan shook his head in shock. That was the last person he'd expected her to say. "Jack, as in Jack Bass? How can you possibly trust him?"

"I don't really. Well maybe I do but not like you'd think. It's not like he does it for free or anything." Blair spoke shaking her head. "It's just, from time to time I find myself in a position that I need something only a Bass can achieve. If I'm not speaking to Chuck my options are limited. That's when I call Jack. He still totally sketches me out though - I haven't actually seen him since I left here, I just call, wire him some money, and he does whatever it is that Bass's do."

Dan was still shaking his head. "And you even had to question that he might mess with your flight records?"

Blair shrugged. "Yeah I mean, I'm a little mad about that I guess. I don't like being messed with but that's not really the point. Even if Jack messed with the flight records, even if Chuck couldn't find me in Charleston, at the end of the summer he knew I was going to Law School at Stanford, he could have found me there. But he didn't wait that long."

None of this made sense anymore - not the least of which was Blair's last statement. "What do you mean he didn't wait that long? Chuck was a fucking mess that summer."

Swallowing tightly Blair looked down before meeting Dan's gaze. The fact that her heart wasn't jumping in her chest at what she was about to reveal shocked the hell out of her but it also made what she was about to say easier. "He looked okay to me at your wedding."

Dan's brow furrowed for a second as he thought about her words before his brows shot upward in realization of what she was saying. "You did come to the wedding? To MY wedding." When Blair nodded slowly, Dan continued. "And you didn't say anything to anyone?"

Blair smiled sadly. "I'd planned to. Honestly, I did. But when I saw him with someone else I couldn't breathe much less manage to confront him."

Exhaling Dan shook his head. "Gwen...he brought Gwen to the wedding. They'd only known each other for a few weeks at that point but I still remember what he said to me. 'When I'm with her it doesn't hurt as much. When I'm with her I feel like I can almost breathe.' He was still in love with you." Dan said, his voice low at the memory.

Blair's heart clenched painfully at Dan's words but it didn't change anything so she just shrugged. "That's not what it looked like. He looked so damn happy." As she spoke she was back in that moment and her stomach turned all over again.

_Checking her reflection in the bathroom mirror Blair smiled. The dress was perfection - the Valentino hugged her curves perfectly and the pink hue made her look almost as though she were glowing. In less than 10 minutes she'd see Chuck again, she'd had to look perfect. _

_She couldn't wait to see his face when he saw her. The moment she did she'd know that she'd made the right decision not to call him to tell him she was coming. She gave herself one more moment to soak it all in before exiting the bathroom. _

_Deciding how to do this had been agonizing. She'd known that she couldn't wait any longer when she'd heard Serena mention that he'd met some girl. She couldn't risk losing him, even if it meant that she'd be hurting Austin while he was still healing from his father's death. She'd given him as much time as she could risk and even after she wouldn't abandon him - though the likelihood that he'd want to see her once he knew wasn't very high. _

_Maybe she should have called, she thought brow furrowed as she exited the bathroom. But over the phone just didn't feel right, not when she'd waited so long for this moment. Besides he'd be more likely to go easy on her if she had the element of surprise on her side. _

_Part of her was terrified that she'd waited too long. She'd wanted spare Austin pain but what if Chuck really had moved on. He couldn't possibly have, not so soon. Everything was going to be fine, she just had to breathe and relax. _

_But that was so hard when she could hardly control her excitement now that this would finally all be over. She'd finally be with Chuck, they were going to get to be happy. _

_She jumped with alarm as the church bells started and hurried to her seat - she'd get to watch the wedding, then as soon as it was over she'd go to him and she'd finally get to explain everything. Her heart felt swollen with an emotion that she barely recognized because for the first time she could remember she felt hopeful and that made her feel strangely innocent._

_When he walked in her heart beat faster. He was shaking hands with people and she almost trembled at the thought of what those hands would do to her later, where'd they'd touch her, where he'd place those lips that his tongue had just swept over. For the briefest moment she thought he'd seen her, his eyes brightened ever so slightly and a smirk slipped onto his lips; but then his gaze was gone without a look of surprise._

_Breathing loudly she shook herself from her trance, blinking furiously she brought herself back to the present. She did it just in time to see Dan walk up next to Chuck and pat him on the back. She was almost at the back of the church but she could still see them. They were so close now, it was strange sometimes to think about, especially since she was pretty sure it was at least partially because of her that they'd bonded. And there was Nate with Eric walking in. Her smile brightened as she watched the four of them. _

_For a moment she looked for Serena, not seeing her blonde friend until she came in from the same door the boys had, kissing Dan on either of his checks and Nate on the mouth before taking her seat near the front. Part of Blair was immensely jealous that Serena was getting to be a part of this and she wasn't - but she couldn't let her return take even a bit of attention away from Dan and Stephanie's day. What she wanted could and would wait. _

_The service was beautiful of course, but as it reached the end she could hardly contain herself. Her anxiety had increased throughout the service, mixing with all of her excitement, creating a ball of nerves. She knew from when she was planning to attend that the bride and groom were doing some wedding shots while the close family and friends waited in the annex to join them before everyone moved to the reception. Her plan of course was to catch Chuck between the church and the annex; hopefully by himself or with only the bridesmaid he was escorting. _

_When the wedding party filed past, she made sure she was the first one out of her seat, smiling politely at a blonde who seemed to be moving as quickly as she was even though she'd stepped on her shoes. Today she could afford to be generous, today she was happy. Letting the blonde go on, she followed her out of the church pausing when she heard her name. _

_Blair turned and noticed a girl that had been in Dan's drama class at NYU, one of the girls from TISCH; for the life of her she couldn't remember her name but she didn't want to call attention to herself so she made polite small talk before moving on. _

_Rolling her eyes as she walked away, Blair cursed the wasted time. Now she'd probably have to approach Chuck in front of everyone. Huffing she turned the corner about to proceed towards the annex when she heard voices. _

_"GOD you look delectable in Armani." The girl spoke, her voice low almost husky. _

_Blair was about to keep walking and ignore them when the girl's companion spoke and she froze. _

_"You see me in Armani almost ever day baby." Chuck replied, which could be a response he'd give to any one of the whore's he used to sleep with but this was different. His voice held a hint of compassion that Blair hadn't heard him use with anyone but her. _

_She felt her heart begin to throb in her chest...this must be the girl Serena had mentioned going on the business trip with him. But things weren't serious, they couldn't be. _

_"I know it's just your bestman-ness is so sexy." The girl spoke flirtatiously, Blair could hear her well and she didn't sound like a twittering idiot, especially when she heard her pull back. "The wedding was really beautiful Dan and Steph look so happy. Someday I want to be that happy." _

_There was a pause and Blair's mouth went dry with fear, she knew she needed to see their faces, needed to know for sure that the emotion that she thought she heard in their voices was really there. _

_Blair shifted her body slightly she could see them. They were further down the hall than expected and if they looked over right now they'd be able to see her but she had to know, she had to risk it. _

_"You'll have that, of course you won't ever be as sappy as those two," Chuck spoke, holding no hint of sarcasm. He was being completely genuine and she could see in his eyes and in his face that he meant it, he was relaxed and happy with this girl. "Neither of us would ever be so lame."_

_Laughing the girl smiled brightly, before becoming more serious. "I'm starting to think I could be that happy with you." It was then that Blair recognized her - it was the same blonde that she'd bumped into scurrying out of the church. _

_But the girl didn't hold her interest for long as her eyes went back to Chuck observing him taking her time as she poured over every inch of his body; waiting to hear his reply. Her breathing stopped when he nodded. "I know what you mean."_

_She thought she was going to hyperventilate as she watched them, they looked happy and together and he seemed whole. She wasn't sure he'd ever looked at her like that._

_When the girl spoke again, Blair could already feel the tears on her face. "You already mean so much to me, sometimes it scares me." _

_Blair watched him swallow and nod, his hand reaching out and tucking the girl's hair behind her ear, leaving his hand on the side of her face, he leaned in and kissed her. Blair couldn't look away, she was frozen in place, uncertain that she'd ever felt quite this level of pain. _

_"Thank you for coming with me...I'm not sure I could have made it through the day without you here." _

_Blair heard the slight choking sound of a sob and knew it was coming from her. If it broke their stares they'd see her and now that was the last thing she wanted. Darting around the corner she ran. Jerking off her heels as she tore down the hall she kept going, not stopping until she was out of the church and to the car she'd rented. Sliding in she didn't pause before taking off out of the parking lot, panting and out of breath as the tears rolled down her cheeks. _

_She'd waited too long, it was over, it was all over. The reason Chuck hadn't called wasn't because he didn't have her number, the reason he hadn't come for her wasn't because he couldn't find her, it was all because he'd moved on. She'd broken him for the last time and now he was done. She felt like such an idiot. If she'd called him he probably would have told her as much...but if she had she probably wouldn't have believed it. How could he be happy? Especially when she was so miserable. _

_Exhaling heavily she grabbed her phone and dialed a number she didn't want to dial. In truth she should have done this a long time ago but her stupid heart had held her back. "Mr. Davidson - I'm ready." _

"So the wedding...that was the errand that you mentioned being your second trip to the city?" Dan asked shaking his head as he tried to sort through everything she'd just told him.

Blair nodded, forcing herself not to look away. She hadn't meant to mention Mr. Davidson so she needed to hope he hadn't picked up on it. "And then I find out that he tracked me down, he's kept tabs on me all along. If I just hadn't given up so quickly...Everything would be different right now if I'd just approached him at the wedding. Instead we stalked each other while dating other people. How much more fucked up could we be?"

Dan laughed as he shook his head. "It's not over, you know. You still have time."

Blair grimaced but nodded. "I know. I'm not giving up."

Dan nodded before tilting his head curiously. "Who's Mr. Davidson?"

"Hmm?" Blair asked, surprise rushing through her system as she tried to downplay her reaction.

Dan's brow furrowed slightly as he nodded leadingly. "You mentioned him when you were telling me about the Hamptons too. I've been meaning to ask for weeks and keep forgetting; but you mentioning him just now made me remember."

Think, think, think. She told herself quickly as she rushed to come up with an explanation. To mask her worry she covered her confusion with a thoughtful expression and then shook her head with a smile. "Oh Mr. Davidson - I know who you're talking about now! He was my travel agent at the time. I'm shocked I remembered his name - it must have been an in the moment kind of thing."

Dan titled his head, a travel agent, really? She'd seemed to have quite a bit of familiarity with him for that to be the answer but at least for the Wedding that would make sense, she was ready to get out of there. But what about the Hamptons, she'd told him to cancel something - that she didn't need it anymore. "That's a nosey travel agent, if he argued with you on canceling a trip to the Hamptons."

Blair rolled her eyes and smiled. "I know it's my own fault for babbling to him about my problems when I book flights. But I had a trip booked that summer to surprise Austin and when I called the first time to cancel he stubbornly didn't - which turned out to be a good thing I guess. But it's not important."

Dan forced himself to nod rather than narrow his eyes. He didn't believe a word that had come out of her mouth just then. That had been babbling - there would have been a simpler explanation for that if it had been the truth...Blair had over-explained, not to mention her smile didn't meet her eyes. But he knew he wasn't going to get a straight answer from her so he ignored it. Not to mention - she sounded like the travel agent she'd really been using was Jack. Yes Blair Waldorf was lying to him; but for now he had to let it slide. "Ohh, yeah I guess that makes sense."

Before either of them could say another word they heard the cry through the baby monitor. Blair exhaled. "Like clockwork." She spoke getting up with Dan to go Rosaleigh, who would predictably need a diaper change.

* * *

><p>Gwen shook her head as she walked down the street. "No Lance, that's not going to happen." She was immensely annoyed with her youngest brother right now. He'd been trying to convince her for two weeks to put him in charge of Avalon's Southeast Asia business but she wasn't caving.<p>

"Why not?" He asked impertinently.

Exhaling angrily Gwen shook her head. "Because I said so."

"You're not my mother Gwen." Lance spat back.

She could hear the eye roll on the other side of the line and it only served to further piss her off. "You're right. I'm your boss, the CEO of Avalon cosmetics and let's not forget you cashed in the majority of your shares to me. Not to mention I've already got a candidate in place for the job."

"I'm your brother!" Lance shouted in return.

Shaking her head Gwen pressed her lips together. "Yet you have next to no experience, dropped out of business school, and have previously showed no interest in the company which means what you really want is a reason to go to Australia. You want to go there, go there, but it's not going to be as head of the Southeast Asia division." She heard him starting to speak again and snapped. "This conversation is over."

Sighing loudly as she put away her phone, she almost missed the dark locks of the girl exiting the building in front of her. Smiling she waved. "Blair! Were you visiting Dan?" She asked realizing where they were quickly.

Blair forced a smile and nodded. "Steph got called to work out of town for the week so I've been helping out with Rosaleigh."

Gwen smiled brightly. "That's right I'd forgotten. I'm a little jealous, I've been so slammed with work that I've barely gotten to see the little angel."

"Personally I think I'm getting a little too attached but they haven't kicked me out yet." Blair added with a small laugh, sliding into the easy report they always seemed to have together.

Smiling Gwen nodded. "I'm sure Dan appreciates all the help he can get - I remember when Arthur had his first; both he and his wife were frazzled for months." Dodging people walking down the street she nodded at a hotel near the end of the block. "You want to grab a drink and chat for a bit? I need a break from work today before my dinner meeting tonight and could use a cocktail."

Blair racked her brain trying to think of an out but couldn't so she nodded. "Sure, lead the way."

Following Gwen up to the bar, Blair took a seat and ordered two martinis before turning to Gwen. "So it's been a rough week?"

"The worst." Gwen said with a sigh. "We have several new partnerships in various stages, we're opening up a new Fleur de lis in Tokyo, the board is still less than enthusiastic about a 26 year old female as their CEO, there have been like a million crises at work this week and to top it off I'm planning this big gala for that I really don't have time for."

Blair exhaled. When Gwen talked about her day like that Blair couldn't help but feel a little lazy. "That sounds rough. Anything I can do to help?"

Gwen's eyes widened in pleasant surprise. "Seriously?"

Blair nodded, she wasn't sure what she could do but honestly she didn't have anything better to do right now anyway. "Sure, what do you need?"

Gwen smiled genuinely. "Could you help me out with this gala for the Junior League? They're actually honoring the legacy of several businessmen who've died this decade - including Bart and my father - which I'm sure is why I was asked to co-chair."

"Who's the other Co-chair?" Blair asked curiously - needing to know how much the other girl would protest if Blair got involved.

Gwen rolled her eyes. "Susanna Hempstead."

"No way. She's ancient!" Blair exclaimed with a shake of her head. "Chairwoman Emeritus is one thing but she's too old to chair anything now. But now that I'm involved it's actually better that it's Susanna rather than someone who will fight you on things for this. Susanna will just let you do what you want."

Gwen nodded. "I thought so too but I've never actually chaired anything before. And I'm not even Junior League so I don't even know the protocol."

Blair just shook her head. "Don't worry you have my help now and it might have been a while but I'm fairly certain I'm still a pro at this. Plus, I am Junior League so that's taken care of and last I checked I'm in good standing so there won't be push back on my help."

"You're Junior League?" Gwen asked curiously. She wasn't sure why she was surprised, Blair had been gone for so long she just assumed she hadn't had anytime to be involved before she left.

Blair laughed. "Junior League, Central Park Nature Conservancy, New York Preservation Society, New York Daughters of the American Revolution, the Women's Foundation, the New York Historical Society, the Women's Auxiliary Board, the New York Public Library junior members, you have to be ancient before they let you on the board there..." Looking up she saw the surprise and what might be considered awe on Gwen's face and smiled. "I won't bore you by listing the rest."

"There's more?" Gwen asked with a shake of her head.

Smiling, Blair swirled her drink and nodded. "I was a member of 27 organizations by the time I was 20. Which would be impressive even if Brooke Astor and her little protégé Lizzy Whitney didn't try to use her influence against me. I used to date Nate and she had a bit of a vendetta when she was alive" She supplied sensing Gwen's confusion and realizing Gwen probably didn't know that. "Nate Archibald." She added quickly.

Looking up she saw that Gwen was looking at her as though she were speaking a different language all together. "Nate's a Vanderbilt. The Vanderbilt's and the Astor's hate each other..." She spoke leadingly, her eyes widening at the realization that Gwen wasn't confused about the Nate portion but about the family rivalry. "There are a few rivalries amongst the older families, when planning you have to be very careful about inviting the important people without having the ones who hate each other too close to one another at any one time."

Exhaling she met Gwen's wide gaze, her eyes serious. "Okay, don't worry, I have everything under control. I've done this before. I'm a little rusty but nobody's better at this game than I am. So my help is yours if you want it."

Slowly Gwen nodded. When Blair had started talking about the families and their rivalries she'd gotten completely lost. Clearly she was in over her head. "Yes, please."

Smiling, Blair nodded. "Okay, so what's next on the list that I can help with?"

Gwen blinked quickly before smiling and continuing. "Well I need a sounding board for an issue I'm having at work."

"Alright shoot." Blair spoke taking a sip of her martini.

Leaning forwards Gwen launched into her latest dilemma, more in her comfort zone than she had been with their discussion about the Gala. "I need to hire a new executive over the South Pacific but it's gotten really complicated."

Tilting her head Blair frowned, eyebrows pulled. "How so? I mean is it just an issue of not being able to find the talent."

Gwen shook her head, unsure of just how much she should say. "No it's not that. We've got several well qualified people on our radar - some of whom have confirmed their interest."

"But..." Blair said leadingly.

Sighing Gwen nodded. "But I've been holding on offering the position because the person I want to hire, isn't the one that I should."

"Not experienced enough?" Blair asked as she took a sip of her drink.

Gwen pressed her lips together and shook her head - she didn't know how to explain this to Blair of all people. "No that's not it, honestly he's the best candidate but he has a rocky past business wise. The board isn't going to like it if that's the direction I go. And there's a lot of pressure for me to select one of my brother's."

Frowning Blair propped her head on her hand and faced Gwen. "Do you trust the guy to get the job done?"

Gwen almost laughed because the thing was, she did trust him even though she knew she probably shouldn't. Nodding carefully she met Blair's gaze. "I do."

Blair shrugged. "Then screw what everyone else is saying go with your gut."

_Go with your gut. _Gwen thought to herself as she looked at Blair. She'd been doing a lot of things lately by her gut and so far she hadn't been wrong. But she was terrified to be wrong on this.

Seeing Gwen's hesitation Blair shook her head. "If you're wrong you're wrong, but don't you want to be wrong because of something you decided rather than be wrong because you let other people talk you into making a call you didn't want to make?"

The air flew from her lungs so quickly Gwen hardly realized she'd been holding it. "Oh my God you're right." Shaking her head she motioned for two more drinks from the bartender before turning back to Blair. "You're 100% right. If I'm wrong I'm wrong and I can live with that. But I can't live with letting myself be railroaded by a bunch of men who think they can, only to still be wrong. If I make the wrong call, it has to be my call, not someone else's."

Smiling slightly Blair nodded. "I thought so."

"Damn you're good at reading people." Gwen spoke with the slightest shake of her head. "I get why you're going to make a great lawyer."

Blair laughed to herself before a small smirk found its way onto her face. "I'm good at arguing too."

"I believe that." Gwen said returning it with a smirk of her own. "You're someone who goes with you're gut too aren't you?" Gwen spoke appraisingly.

Blair sighed before pressing her lips together. Was she? Was she someone who went with her gut? She couldn't be sure. Not anymore. "I used to be. And sometimes I think I still am. My intuition used to be uncanny. But there are times when I let my head get ahead of everything else and it ruins things."

Gwen frowned because she had a hunch that she knew exactly what things Blair was referencing. "It's when your heart's involved isn't it? For some reason you don't trust yourself."

Nodding Blair looked down into her drink. "It's because I made the wrong decision too many times to know when I'm making the right one."

"It nearly killed him." Gwen spoke matter-of-factly causing Blair's head to snap towards her. With a nod she continued. "He was completely destroyed. He was practically a shell."

Blair felt her shoulder's tense up as the conversation shifted towards a topic that was uncomfortable for both of them. "I still hate myself for it. The way I treated him...it was completely irreprehensible. God it's the worst thing I think I've ever done." She looked at Gwen pointedly. "And you didn't know me in high school - I did some terrible things; but I've never regretted anything the way I regret hurting him. The sick thing is I even had myself convinced that I was in the right, that I was protecting us."

She felt Gwen's hand on her arm but she didn't stop, she just looked at Gwen. "I need you to tell me how much I hurt him, I need to hear it, to understand why a part of him still hates me. Because damn it I didn't know." When Gwen didn't say anything, simply widening her eyes, Blair continued. "I've apologized. I want us to be able to be friends but I don't think he'll believe me when I say that I'm sorry until I really know what I'm sorry for."

Inhaling deeply Gwen decided that she could do that it would ward off any chance that Blair would even consider going after Chuck again - if she knew how much it had hurt him. "It had been two years when I met him and he still couldn't hear your name without falling apart. I always knew the nights when someone had mentioned you because he'd call me drunk off his ass or show up at my apartment barely able to stand."

Blair sat there completely transfixed hardly believing the words Gwen was saying. "Yet you stayed with him?"

Gwen let a small smile slip onto her lips. "I couldn't seem to leave. There was something almost beautiful about his brokenness. That it was because he'd loved and lost made me feel like he was worth the potential risk. I used to hate you for what you did to him."

Squeezing her eyes shut Blair considered hard whether or not she really wanted to ask what she was about to ask Gwen to do. Whether she really wanted to know - especially since she wasn't sure how this effected her deal with Chuck not to say anything about their past. But it wasn't really their past it was what she'd done to him and that was something she needed to know. "Tell me about December 8th." When she heard Gwen's intake of breath she nodded. "I need to know."

"He disappeared for two days. I looked everywhere. The New Yorker, the Empire...he'd trashed the Empire there was glass everywhere. So he'd been there. Eric had seen him at their apartment briefly but only long enough to know he was falling apart. He wouldn't tell me why...all he told me was that it hadn't been like this the past two years that he'd been okay." She spoke, her voice almost trembling at the memory.

Blair nodded telling her to go on - she couldn't say why it was different. Gwen didn't know about the Hamptons she couldn't be the one to tell her. "How did you find him?"

Gwen exhaled. "Serena called me finally and told me that he was in your bedroom and wouldn't come out. I kicked down the bathroom door from Serena's room to yours...sorry about that by the way - if it helps it broke my heel."

Blair shrugged, she wasn't about to ask how Gwen even knew how to break down a door and obviously since the door was there now she didn't really care so she just let Gwen continue.

"He was just lying there in your bed shaking. It was the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life. He was clutching a pillow to him, wearing a suit, shoes on, shaking. There were tears flowing down his cheeks and I'd never even seen him cry." Gwen said feeling herself begin to lose it a little at the memory. "I stood there for a moment before climbing into bed with him, pulling him against me. He cried and he cried; he clutched me to him and I just held him."

"When he finally spoke I was so relieved I could have cried." Looking at Blair she pressed her lips together. "Until the name he said was yours. And I've never hated someone like I hated you in that moment. Not my father who left my mother, not my asshole brothers, not my first love who dumped me on my birthday, no, I'd never felt that kind of hatred."

Blair let out a small gasp but now she knew where this was going and she knew there was nothing she could do to stem it. This was going to wreck her; but maybe that's what she deserved. Because she understood what Gwen was saying, what Chuck had thought and how much that had hurt Gwen that he did.

Gwen could feel her breathing quicken, becoming heavy and labored. "I still remember his words. God they were so strangled." For a moment she lost herself, lost track of where she was because the memory was so clear.

_She'd frozen the moment he'd uttered her name. The girl, the one who'd done this to him. She'd picked up the pieces for months, she thought they were moving past things, did this have something to do with the girl? The bitch who'd left him. _

_"Blair..." Chuck spoke again, clutching tightly to the small arms wrapped around him. "I knew you'd come."_

_Gwen could feel the bile rise in her throat and she wanted to pull away but this time his grip was too tight, this time it wasn't because she couldn't walk away because right now she didn't want to be here; but he wouldn't let her leave. Not because of her but because he thought she was Blair._

_"You have no idea what a difference this makes." Chuck spoke slowly, his words still strangled but tinged with hope. "I've been in this dark hole, drowning; but the moment I felt your arms around me I knew that everything was going to be okay. I knew you'd come, that you wouldn't abandon me. The worst things I've done, the darkest thoughts I've had, anything right? You're the only family I have left, but you're the only family I need." _

_She felt as though someone had poured acid through her veins and it was devouring her from the inside. This beautifully broken man that she'd come to love wasn't any less broken than he had been when he'd met her. She couldn't put him back together, she couldn't fix him. "Chuck..." She spoke, her voice almost a sob. _

_He turned faster than she could have possibly expected and met her gaze. What she saw when she looked at him might have been the most devastating thing she'd ever seen. It was like all of the light and hope that she'd heard in his voice only moments before had been sucked out; had been shattered. She'd never seen someone have their heart broken until that moment. _

_"Gwen." He spoke his voice more of a gasp. _

_Swallowing she nodded and began to pull back. But as she did his grip tightened. _

_"I'm sorry...I didn't...I can't...I don't even know how." Chuck spoke, stumbling over every word he tried to speak. "Don't go." _

_A single tear leaked from her eyes as he pleaded with her. She was hurt and she wanted to run. But Chuck had hidden himself away from everyone. Serena said he'd refused to speak to both her and Nate, to let them in. Maybe Blair was the one he'd really wanted to be there because of something that had happened between them, but he wasn't telling her to leave - he was asking her to stay. So she did. _

_For a long time they just stared into each other's eyes, neither saying anything. She was in an unfamiliar bed, one that smelled a bit like Chanel Number 5, but that didn't matter because it was just the two of them. She didn't know how long it was before Chuck spoke but when he did she was ready to listen. _

_"You know about Blair. You know that she changed me. I didn't think that I was capable of love before her; I don't think I even knew what the word was. I sure as hell didn't get it from my Dad and my mom died in child birth but that didn't mean that I didn't want it from my father." Chuck spoke his voice surprisingly steady. "Today's Friday isn't it?" _

_Gwen shook her head. "Sunday." She spoke quietly. "I think...It could still be Saturday." _

_Chuck nodded, not even surprised. "Well my father died four years ago Thursday. I always wanted to earn his approval and his love. Blair got that about me because her mother wanted her to be someone she wasn't for most of her life too. So she knew...she knew that when he died I would break even though he didn't love me because I'd never had the chance to make him."_

_Gwen inhaled but said nothing. Things were beginning to make sense and a part of her wished she could go back to not understanding. _

_"When my father died...it meant that I was alone. I had no one. No family. It was just...me." He spoke, voice hitching only slightly. "Nate, Lily, Serena, Eric, they all tried to convince me that that wasn't true. But it was...except...I had Blair. She broke through everything else, she wouldn't let me turn her away. She broke our stalemate and told me that she loved me. I'd never heard those words from anyone before, not once." _

_Gwen could feel herself crumbling, was aware of the tears leaking from her eyes and slipping down her cheeks but she didn't say anything, didn't even move. _

_Swallowing Chuck forced himself to continue. "She promised me that she was my family, that no matter what happened she'd stay with me through anything. At first I turned her away but then Lily said something to me and I broke and this is where I came. She put me back together. She held me even when I abandoned her over and over, when I ruined her life, when I wrecked her reputation, no matter what I did to her, she never was far from me, she never truly abandoned me. Until she did. And now I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to not be with her." _

_Reaching out Gwen placed a hand on his face and traced her thumb along his lips. "We're going to figure it out - together." She wasn't sure where the words came from, she certainly hadn't intended to say them; but as she did she realized that she meant them. Looking into Chuck's eyes was almost like looking at a frightened animal, so she felt like she had to do something more to reassure him. Leaning forwards she placed a kiss on Chuck's lips. "I'm not going anywhere." _

_Chuck nodded slowly, unsure about what he was feeling. There was pain and anger and uncertainty; but there were other unexpected emotions that he hadn't realized he'd felt yet. He'd never intended to make himself vulnerable to Gwen, certainly not today but for the first time his feelings had felt...different. When he thought she was going to walk away, he'd felt something strangely akin to panic rush through him. He wasn't sure what he'd felt but he'd known that he couldn't lose her and be okay. "Okay." _

_Nodding, Gwen started to stand, lifting her eyebrows when Chuck reached out and grabbed her arm. "I'm just going to go get you some soup or something." _

_"Not hungry. Stay with me." Chuck said, tugging her towards him._

_Gwen furrowed her brow. "Have you eaten anything since you came here?" _

_Chuck thought for a moment about lying before shaking his head. _

_"Then either you let me go get you some soup or I call 911 and the emergency room can deal with making you eat." Gwen said, her tone leaving no question that she was completely serious._

_Relaxing his hold on her Chuck nodded. "Then you'll come right back?"_

_Gwen smiled ever so slightly, leaning down and placing a kiss on his lips. "I'm not going anywhere. I promised remember."_

Looking back at Blair, she had to control the rush of emotions she felt - the hatred bled through the memory and she had to control her glare. She'd heard bits of the story here and there. She knew that Chuck had done some horrible things to her and that they'd been young and reckless but in that moment she felt like she was back in the bedroom with Chuck, watching as he crumbled.

Blair looked down, unable to meet Gwen's hard gaze for a moment. She could see the hatred there and she felt it radiating through her own heart. Swallowing she looked back up at Gwen. "As much as you hate me, I hate myself more."

Finally getting ahold of herself, Gwen was able to separate the memories from the truth of how things were. What Blair had done was in the past and it wasn't her place to judge, she only knew how much pain Chuck had been in - she had no idea what Blair might have gone through. She didn't hate Blair, she actually liked her quite a bit and while Blair and Chuck had been serious it was when they were practically teenagers. "Things got better after that but it was almost a year before he could hear your name without flinching. But that day was when things started to change."

Exhaling Blair could hear the raggedness of her breathing. She'd known it was going to be bad but she hadn't expected it to be quite that hard to hear. The way Gwen was talking...she'd never even begun to think that he'd been in that kind of pain. No one had tipped her off that he'd been hurting for that long, she'd assumed that he'd been okay after what she saw at the wedding - it hadn't been until she got back and tried to fight for him that she even began to realize the damage she'd done to him. "Thank you." She spoke quietly not sure if she was thanking her for saving Chuck when she hadn't or for telling her what had happened.

Gwen nodded slowly as she reached out and touched Blair's arm. "You should forgive yourself Blair...Chuck, well Chuck will be Chuck, he's going to take his time, you know as well as I do that his past makes it hard to earn his trust. But you can't go through life too afraid to make choices because you're worried you're making the wrong ones again. You've got to learn to trust yourself again."

Blair pressed her lips together. She wondered if Gwen had any idea that she was practically encouraging Blair to go for Chuck. As she was still trying to land on a response Gwen continued.

"For instance, I hear you left a pretty serious relationship back in California?" Gwen spoke, gauging Blair's reaction. When Blair's head snapped towards hers she continued. "Like engagement level series."

Blair fought to control her emotions, doing her best to leave her face relaxed as the varying feelings rocked her. Gwen knew that she'd been engaged, that was curious. Blair noticed that she didn't exactly say that she'd ended the relationship. Had Chuck told her that Blair had a serious thing going to distract from the possibility that she might be here for Chuck? She wasn't sure exactly what to say, what she wanted Gwen to know or to believe. "Things with Austin, that's his name, Austin Davenport, well things were serious. We were engaged, planning our wedding."

"And now?" Gwen asked curiously.

"Now, I'm not sure." Blair spoke, her voice unsteady. She didn't want to directly lie, but she also didn't wanted to have to tell Gwen the truth about why she and Austin didn't work out. "Things stopped feeling right."

Nodding Gwen looked at Blair seriously. "Do you think maybe it didn't feel right with Austin because you don't trust yourself anymore when it comes to what you're feeling?"

Blair's mouth parted unsure of what she should say. The truth was that it was _**because**_ she didn't trust herself that she'd stayed with Austin for so long. But she couldn't say that, not to Gwen. And right now after hearing what she'd put Chuck through she was awash with new uncertainties. She wanted him, wanted to fight for what was between them but she wasn't sure that she could ever make up for that kind of pain. So instead of saying anything close to the truth, she lied. "Maybe."

"Then why don't you give him a call and see where things stand?" Gwen implored, with a slight smile slipping onto her face. "What could it hurt?"

Blair shook her head slightly. Gwen didn't understand but honestly she didn't want her to, not really. "It could actually do a lot of damage. When I left it was more than just cold feet, I was dreading getting married. But he didn't, not even for a moment. My leaving crushed him and I don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have. I can't do that to him. So I refuse to go back unless I'm sure that it's what I want."

Gwen nodded. "That's fair enough." Standing she gave Blair a small smile. "I have to get back to work but I've enjoyed this. I like that we're friends Blair."

Blair was cautious as she spoke, as she was with most conversations she had with Gwen. "I do too." She spoke knowing it wasn't a lie. She liked Gwen but it was hard for her to be friends with her - hard because she represented Blair's failings. "Thank you for being honest with me."

Smiling Gwen gave Blair a curt nod before turning and walking towards the door. "And you better believe that I'm going to hold you to helping me out with this gala."

Blair laughed and nodded. "Happy to help." As Gwen walked out of the bar, Blair's smile faded and she wondered, not for the first time if she had any business at all fighting for Chuck. It felt like all she'd ever done was hurt him. He was okay now, he had found a way to be happy without her, maybe it was time for her to let it go.

* * *

><p>Dan had been pacing the apartment almost since Blair had left. He knew he should just drop it but he couldn't. This wasn't even about the book anymore - he still had reporter instincts in him to find the truth but he'd hit a wall with Blair. She'd told him everything she was going to tell him without lying to him; in fact he was pretty sure she'd already started lying to him. There was only one other person who might say more than she already had and the decision to go there was one he hadn't made lightly.<p>

That's why he was now standing inside the elevator of Bass Industries, Rosaleigh with him in a baby carrier. Looking down at his daughter he smiled - at least he had a solid excuse for visiting. Chuck had been nagging him to drop by with Rosaleigh anyway.

Walking in he waved at Chuck's assistant who sent him on in - he knew he was one of the few that could come to Chuck's office unannounced. When he walked in the door he watched his friend's furrowed brow immediately ease into a smile.

"It's about damn time you brought that baby to see me." Chuck exclaimed, immediately standing and walking over.

Dan grinned, feeling only slightly guilty for using his daughter as an excuse to talk about other things with Chuck. Reaching down he lifted her from the carrier. "Do you want to hold her?"

Chuck scrunched up his nose slightly drawing back. He wasn't sure holding Rosaleigh was the best idea Dan had ever had. "The suit is Armani..."

"Yes and you can afford ten more like it." Dan said as he placed the baby in Chuck's wary arms.

Chuck looked down at Rosaleigh and swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. He didn't touch babies, didn't even go near them, but his aversion had nothing to do with the fact that they were messy and smelled weird and everything to do with the tight clenching of his chest that immediately occurred when the little thing was placed in his arms.

Chuck blinked a couple of times as he looked down at her forcing back the sting. He'd avoided it because he feared that it would feel a little something like this - but in truth it was worse than he'd imagined. He hadn't touched a child since Blair had lost the baby and in that moment he felt what she'd described at dinner after she'd first gotten back, he felt the jealousy, the loss, the unfairness of the situation.

Pushing those feelings to the side he looked up at Dan, not entirely surprised to see that Dan was analyzing him. Great...he'd managed to make Dan suspicious of something. Trying to throw him off and onto something else Chuck spoke quickly. "Sorry I haven't been by, work's been busy and you happen to spend a lot of time with someone I don't particularly care to see."

Dan had to hold back a smirk. Chuck had been dodging something, what exactly he wasn't sure, and had played right into his hands. Of course now Dan was curious about what Chuck was dodging but for now it wasn't his main concern. "Still haven't forgiven her?"

Chuck's eyes snapped to Dan's as he lightly rocked Rosaleigh in his arms. "Forgive her? You do realize why she's back don't you? It's certainly not for forgiveness."

"Forgiveness is part of it." Dan spoke assuredly as he shot Chuck a look that made it clear that he knew what Blair was doing here better than anyone. "But...I wasn't asking if you were going to take her back. I was just asking if you were ever going to get past hating her. You can't even stand to be around her man, sooner or later this is going to combust if the two of you don't figure some things out."

Chuck narrowed his eyes slightly as he appraised Dan, he was fishing for something, he just wasn't sure what. "I don't hate her, but I don't know that I can forgive her either. And even if I could I can't trust her; not after what she did."

Shaking his head, Dan decided it might be a good idea to take Rosaleigh and put her back in her carrier before he goaded Chuck further. As he did he spoke. "I know what she did and what I can't understand is why you just let her walk away a second time."

Chuck flinched at Dan's words, completely thrown by what his friend was saying. "I don't know what you're talking about." He said, though he knew his words were far from convincing as he'd practically stumbled through them.

Dan crossed his arms and exhaled. "Yes you do and so do I. Why didn't you go after her after what happened in the Hamptons? Why'd you let her walk away? For as long as I've known the two of you, you persistently wouldn't leave one another alone no matter what had happened. What could she possibly have said this time to make you give up? Did you really just accept her excuse that it was revenge and let her walk out of your life?"

Swallowing Chuck could hardly control the barrage of emotions he felt; ranging everywhere from surprise, to confusion, to anger. Once they'd washed through him he felt so raw that he couldn't seem to enunciate anything but the truth. "What are you talking about Humphrey? I didn't leave her alone, I did everything I could to track her down."

Dan shook his head, this conversation was going in the opposite direction of what he'd intended but now that he was started he couldn't seem to stop. "I think that's bullshit." He'd defended Chuck to Blair, but even if Jack had somehow been involved there was no reason that Chuck shouldn't have found her. None at all. Not if he'd known about Austin which Dan was sure he had. "I remember those months when you were 'looking' for her Chuck, but really did you ever do anything but call her cell phone one thousand times?"

"Daniel, you don't know what you're talking about." Chuck spoke, his voice becoming a low warning. It was clear that Dan was officially Team Blair, something he couldn't be totally surprised about but still it made his life more complicated. "And you are clearly too emotionally invested in a relationship that doesn't even exist."

Dan continued to shake his head. "You're lying to yourself." He spoke, taking a step closer. "You don't hate her, you want to hate her but you don't. And that's why you won't let yourself be around her, you're terrified that you'll feel it again." Dan continued, finding a rhythm in his words, their cadence seeming to pour over his tongue. And though Chuck was gritting his teeth he continued. "Go have one normal conversation with Blair and see what happens. Then tell me that there's nothing between the two of you. Or are you too much of a coward?" He asked, knowing he was baiting Chuck.

"FINE!" He shouted so suddenly that Dan jerked back and snapped his mouth closed. "I will" He added. Chuck's eyes lit with fire at Dan's taunt. He wasn't an idiot, he knew when he was being led on but in that moment he couldn't do anything but give Dan what he wanted. He was right in some ways, this was going to be awkward until he figured out exactly what he was feeling so that he could deal with it.

"Okay then." Dan spoke quickly, somewhat cowed at Chuck's sudden emotion. He glanced down at Rosaleigh, who was somehow still sleeping peacefully then back up at Chuck. "I wasn't trying to get into anything about all of this..." He spoke, an apology in his voice.

Chuck nodded and exhaled, his face wiping of emotion leaving him looking spent. "I'm just getting really tired."

Dan nodded actually understanding. "It's work making yourself hate people isn't it?" Smiling to himself, Dan shook his head. "I remember when I forced myself to hate Serena. It's exhausting."

"I really should go talk to her shouldn't I?" He asked slowly, leaning back against his desk.

"Yeah, I'd say it's probably time for that. She's not going anywhere man." Dan said before glancing at the door. "Though I should probably get back."

Chuck nodded and Dan turned to leave before realizing that he still hadn't asked what he'd come to ask. Turning back he tilted his head slightly and looked at Chuck. His friend was sitting on his desk, feet just touching the ground as he stared at the floor. "Who's Mr. Davidson?" Dan asked.

Chuck's head popped up as he stared at Dan. "What?" The name was familiar, he'd heard it before but he didn't really know what the context was that Dan was asking. "I'm not sure, the name's not unfamiliar but why do you ask?"

Dan stared at Chuck for a long moment, aware that he wasn't lying. Whoever Mr. Davidson was to Blair, Chuck didn't really know him. "Blair mentioned him, but I think she lied to me about who he was."

Chuck tilted his head, curious. "Who did she say he was?" The name was there, he could hear her say it but he couldn't for the life of him remember the context.

"Her travel agent." Dan said with an eye roll.

Chuck shook his head. "Blair doesn't have a travel agent, I know that much."

Dan laughed, he'd thought as much himself. "So the mystery remains, who is Mr. Davidson?" Turning to leave again he smiled to himself. "Maybe you can ask her when you talk to her later."

Chuck shrugged, at this point he'd been so worn down by this unexpected conversation that he probably would have agreed to anything. "Sure."

* * *

><p><strong>Any guesses as to who Mr. Davidson is? If you guess correctly (and indicated you would like to be told that you've guessed correctly) I'll confirm that you're right just like I did when I asked you for your guesses for who was spying on Chuck and Blair at their dinner in Chapter 6. <strong>

**Guesses or no – reviews are always appreciated. **

**xoxo  
>kate<strong>


	14. Reopening of Memory Lane: Pt 1

Here's the next chapter. If you read my other fics you'll likely recognize a few of these flashbacks. I sometimes do this thing where I forget that I wrote in these backstories/flashbacks for my other fanfics and think they were really part of the GG storyline. So I usually find some way to include a few – to build out my version of Chuck and Blair. I hope you all still enjoy this section.

To my reviewers: **Michii, CarolinaGirl21, LettersFromAmy, Pingping, Joy, GGfanficfan09, CarolinaGirlGG, Moozanna, lovetvtoomuchxo, LovelyLydia, BlairAndChuckGG, stilettomafia, PureJadore, invincible soul, ChuckBlair08lover, and all my lovely Guest reviewers** – you guys are all so incredibly awesome. Seriously all my best inspiration comes from y'all.

While I'm mentioning guest reviews – I love each and every one of them but unfortunately if you review anonymously I can't respond…so if you ask me a question I don't really have a way to give you an answer other than replying in my A/N but I don't want to give any spoilers by doing that. If you've anonymously asked me a Q feel free to pm me

On a note about Mr. Davidson – Jack definitely seemed to be the popular guess for his identity which was actually super intriguing for me. I actually kind of love that that seemed like a possibility. Keep thinking it over and sending me your guesses – a couple of you are insanely close to the truth.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Special thanks to my amazing beta kosoul7 who tolerates my insanity haha!

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 13: Reopening Memory Lane – Pt I<strong>

Blair turned the page in her scrapbook, smiling as she looked at pictures on the page before her; they were from the night of Chuck's Prohibition party right after they called the cops. Running her fingers over the page she couldn't help but smile at the memory, Chuck had still been so angry with her over the incident with the speech and her tricking him into kissing that man and she'd been so desperate to help. It seemed like it was so long ago yet it seemed like it was yesterday at the same time.

She'd finally gotten around to unpacking some of her things today when she'd found the scrapbook; it had been a long time since she'd looked at it, probably over a year. Swallowing tightly she forced back the sudden tears that sprung to her eyes, even as her throat burned. She remembered the last day she'd looked at the book; it had been the day after Austin had proposed.

_Waking up Blair smiled as she looked at Austin's face lying next to hers, his brown hair flopping across his eyes. He needed a haircut, she thought as she brushed it back behind his ear only to watch it flop back down. She almost laughed before stopping herself; she didn't want to wake Austin. Biting her lip ever so slightly she remembered the decision she'd made the night before and everything that that decision meant. _

_Slipping out of bed and into the negligee she'd been wearing the night before Blair couldn't help but look down at the ring shining on her finger. Twisting it once around as she normally did with her ruby ring she recalled the promise that the ring meant and began looking for the book. Finally spotting it under her vanity Blair walked over and knelt down retrieving the beige binder and walking into the kitchen. _

_Blair ran her fingers over the engraving on the front of her scrapbook with a certain reverence before opening it. This book held everything about her life prior to leaving New York the second time, it was a part of her. The book covered everything from her childhood up until those few precious days in the Hamptons with Chuck. Opening it, she began flipping through it slowly. It was only 7 in the morning and she had at least two hours before she should expect Austin up. _

_As she reached those last pages now her breathing had become shaky and uncertain. Those days with Chuck had meant so much to her, they'd meant the world to her. Swallowing tightly she shook her head, she'd alternated so many days on wondering if leaving Chuck had been the strongest thing she'd ever done or the weakest. But even as she let one tear fall she knew that it didn't matter anymore, she had made her choice and he'd made his. _

_She couldn't keep holding on like this, she couldn't keep hoping that he'd rush back into her life and sweep her off her feet. Yet that was all that she had wanted from the moment she'd boarded that jet in the Hamptons. She'd turned him away but that was all the strength she'd had left to refuse him. _

_The rest of that summer she kept expecting him to show up but he hadn't. So instead she tortured herself by adding to the scrapbook she hadn't touched since graduating high school. She added photos from the year she'd gone to NYU, the summer in France with Serena, her first year at Columbia all the way through her engagement with Louis, and that last summer with Chuck. It also held the evidence of her two years at Duke, her friendship with Austin, and then her time in the Hamptons that summer._

_Even after the wedding where she'd seen firsthand that he'd moved on, half of her expected him to be waiting in her apartment at Stanford when her plane landed, she didn't realize how much she'd wanted it to be true until he hadn't been there. _

_She'd held back on Austin for so long, unwilling to let herself fall again. She'd acted as though she hadn't seen how much he cared about her from the beginning. She hadn't wanted to lose him as a friend. She'd fallen in spite of herself and in spite of her feelings for Chuck. But she'd still been weak, she'd still found herself relying on the memory of what she had with Chuck all year. And if she was truthful to herself, she knew that she was still doing it now. She was still thinking about Chuck, when she was marrying Austin, but she wouldn't do it anymore, she wouldn't. She'd chosen to leave Chuck, she'd chosen to let him believe that she'd done it for revenge and she'd chosen not to walk up to him that day at the wedding. He'd moved on, she'd seen it with her own eyes, so now she had to let it go._

_Looking back down on those pages filled with photos from the Hamptons, Blair wiped the slow silver tears from her cheeks. A part of her had been waiting for Chuck for so long even though she knew it was wrong. Nineteen year old girls didn't know the meaning of forever and they certainly didn't know who they wanted to spend the rest of their life with. _

_That was why she walked away from him; that was why she had chosen to end things the first time. And if he couldn't even wait one summer for her to be there for Austin, then clearly it wasn't meant to be. And now she'd made another choice. She'd chosen to marry Austin. She loved him in a way that was different from how she loved Chuck. It was steady, it was strong, it was filled with honesty and trust. This was the kind of love that you could build a life on. And with this promise she knew that she had to finally let go of the part of her that was still holding onto the great love she'd had with Chuck. _

_Closing the book she smiled to herself, remembering everything that Austin meant to her, remembering how good they were together, remembering how much she loved him. With this engagement she was really and truly placing her love for Chuck in the past, she was moving on and letting go. _

_"What's that?" Austin asked as he placed a kiss on the top of Blair's head. _

_Blair looked upwards and smiled before taking her left hand, the one with Austin's diamond on the finger, and placed it around his neck. "It's nothing, just an old scrapbook I used to keep." _

_Austin smiled down at his bride to be, hardly believing that all of this was real, that they were standing in the kitchen of their apartment, on the morning after their engagement ready to begin the rest of their lives. It felt like a dream. "Can I see it? I wouldn't mind seeing evidence that once upon a time you had an awkward stage like the rest of us." _

_Blair smirked teasingly as she stood, holding the book securely under her arm as she faced Austin. "I Blair Waldorf, was never awkward." Placing a quick kiss on his lips she pulled back with a smile firmly planted on her face. "You can look at it another time, we've got a brunch to get to with Izzy and Matt." And as she walked into her bedroom and placed the book at the back of her closet she realized that she had actually meant her words. Some day in the not too distant future she'd be ready for Austin to see her scrapbook and see what her life had been like in New York; but today on the morning after their engagement she wanted everything to be about them. _

She hadn't touched the book again after that. It wasn't that she hadn't wanted to. There had been days when it had been so hard not to think about Chuck, days when all she'd wanted was to look at the book and let herself remember. But most of the time it had been easy to keep the promise she'd made to put him in the past and it had only gotten easier. She'd loved Austin so much that she'd thought she'd been ready to share her life with him. It was months later when she'd begun to doubt her decision, begun to realize that even though she'd buried the book in her closet and managed to stop thinking about Chuck every day, she had never actually let go and never actually would.

It was perfect to find it on a day like today, a day when she'd started to doubt herself again. Sometimes it was hard to keep at this when it seemed like Chuck would be better off if she just left him alone. But looking at the book reminded her that she couldn't bury her feelings for Chuck, she'd tried that for four years without succeeding and now she owed it to herself to try just as hard to get him back.

Her fingers paused on the photo of them kissing at the end of the night of the Prohibition party; she was fairly certain she'd found it on Gossip Girl which would explain why the edges were a bit soft. They were the strongest when they were together, that had always been true.

When she heard the bell that meant someone was coming up to her apartment she simply sat there for a moment, so absorbed in her thoughts that she forgot that she no longer had a maid or even a roommate to go check. Sliding the scrapbook off her lap, she stood straightening her skirt. She'd ordered Thai food earlier, so she knew it was likely just the delivery man but Blair Waldorf always looked her best. Tucking a curl behind her ear she turned to open her bedroom door only to practically fall backwards in surprise.

"Chuck?" She spoke, astounded by the fact that he was standing just outside her doorway, fist poised as though about to knock. "What are you doing here?" He had been the last person she expected to see and her heart was pounding loudly at his sudden appearance.

Chuck smirked, almost not knowing what to say. He knew she'd be surprised to see him but he'd assumed that the surprise would have been one way. He certainly hadn't expected to feel the way he did right now upon seeing her. It had been over a week since he'd seen her, a couple since it had been in more than brief passing, and her presence always seemed to catch him off guard. "I heard you've been talking to Humphrey a lot about us, our past I mean." Chuck's words came out clipped.

Blair laughed aloud as that had been one of the last things she'd been expecting Chuck to say. Shaking her head she took a few steps backward granting him entrance into her bedroom for the first time in quite awhile. "Yes well he's written this book about me so I did what I could to help."

Chuck's brow furrowed lightly as he took a few steps into her room, surprised at the way it hadn't changed. "So you just shared your personal life - OUR personal life - knowing that he was going to publish it?"

Blair nodded while giving Chuck a small smile. Something about this encounter with him was different but she couldn't quite put her finger on just what it was. "You don't seem to be mad."

"I don't think I am." Chuck spoke, a hint of laughter in his own voice. After all, this revelation was as much a surprise to him as it likely was to her. He'd thought he was mad, that's why he'd rushed over here but after thinking about it, maybe he'd just been curious. Now as he stood here without a real reason for being there other than 'Humphrey dared me' his eyes landed on the beige book open on her bed. "Is that . . .?" Chuck asked, awe entering his voice as he took a few steps towards her bed where the book lay open. "It's your old scrapbook isn't it?"

Blair smiled and nodded as she followed him towards where the book lay. "Yeah, it is. I found it today while I was doing some unpacking."

Chuck nodded as he almost unconsciously reached out his hand towards it. "Wow." He breathed as his fingers touched the book. Looking over at Blair, he lifted an eyebrow asking for permission. "May I?"

Blair nodded again, this time not saying anything. She watched nervously as Chuck sat down on her bed and drew the book into his lap. She wasn't sure how she felt about him looking through the book because it wasn't simply filled with the good times, it held the bad times too. But she was glad that he was here. She watched him from where she stood for a few moments as he began to flip through the early pages of the book before she took a seat at her vanity: close enough that she could see what was looking at and feel near to him, but far enough away that he didn't feel crowded.

Chuck's hands were surprisingly solid as he turned the pages of Blair's scrapbook. It felt good to simply sit and look through the photos of his childhood and for the first time he could remember, Blair being nearby didn't have him on edge. He hadn't seen the book in so long and quite honestly, it chronicled almost as much of his life as it did of hers.

Chuck laughed at the page of photos before him, it was a collection of photographs from their elementary school years. "Wow, that's the Palace isn't it? I haven't been there in ages." He smiled slightly before turning to Blair and pointing at a photograph. "Is that from my birthday party?"

Blair scooted the bench of her vanity a bit closer to see even though she knew that it was without having to look. "The year you turned seven."

"Why is your dress so ripped at the bottom?" He asked looking from the little brunette princess that his younger self had his arm around to the grown woman who now sat next to him.

Looking at Chuck, Blair's eyes lit with surprise. "You don't remember?"

Chuck shook his head slightly. "I remember something about a banister."

"It involved a banister, that's for certain." Blair said laughing before launching into the story.

_"Come on Blair it's fun!" Shouted Nate from the bottom of the stairs, where he stood with the rest of the kids. He was wearing a little tuxedo which fit perfectly with the party dresses the little girls were wearing; each of them fitting the Chuck Bass mandated dress code._

_Blair crossed her arms over her chest. "I don't want to."_

_"Don't be such a little priss." Called Serena. "We all did it."_

_Serena was telling the truth all, of the children at Chuck's birthday party were at the bottom of the Grand Staircase at the Palace Hotel, having slid down the banister but Blair was afraid. Not that she would ever let anyone know that._

_"I don't want to ruin my dress." Said Blair as she began to walk down the staircase, her chocolate curls bouncing. "Mommy would be angry." It was the truth but that wasn't why she wasn't sliding down the banister. Blair's mother had made her dress, purple with small white flowers._

_Before she knew it Chuck Bass had leapt up the stairs and was standing next to her. Leaning close to her ear, he spoke quietly. "Nathanial likes girls who are adventurous, girls like Serena. He's not going to want a girlfriend who won't even slide down the banister."_

_Blair's little eyebrows had shot up at the mention of Nate. How had Chuck Bass possibly known that she like Nate Archibald? However as pressing as that question was on her seven year old mind, for some strange reason that wasn't what she asked. Instead she said in a small voice. "I'm scared."_

_Little Chuck was suddenly serious. "Don't be. I promise I'll be there to catch you."_

_Blair bit her bottom lip before nodding her head, deciding that she could trust Chuck simply because they matched. Her purple dress fit perfectly with his white suit and purple shirt. Chuck smiled and rushed back to the bottom as she got ready._

_"How'd you convince her to do it?" Asked Nate, as confused as always as he saw Blair mount the banister. _

_Chuck smirked. "I simply said that it was my birthday and as such she had to do what I said." All the other children grinned and Chuck nodded up at Blair mouthing, "Ready."_

_Her eyes were still fearful but she nodded and let go._

Chuck laughed as Blair retold the story, remembering as her words formed images in his head. "I did catch you." He pointed out with a shake of his head.

"Yes, unfortunately however Serena interfered while playing a game of tag and sent us both tumbling to the ground." Blair spoke as her own fingers began to drift to another picture, a smile forming on her face.

Chuck chuckled as he shook his head, seeing where Blair's attention was now directed. "Now THAT I remember."

Blair nodded a reverence to her voice as she remembered their childhood together. "It was when we had the chicken pox."

Chuck scoffed. "No, it was the day you gave me the chicken pox." Blair looked at him with a mixture of surprise and confusion etched on her face but he knew he was right so he quickly recalled this quite distinct memory from his childhood.

_Blair pouted as she sat in front of the TV. She had gotten chicken pox first out of all of the UES kids so she had to be completely isolated from everyone else because they didn't want the other children catching it. Serena and Nate hadn't even been allowed to visit and she itched all over. That's when she heard the door open._

_"Hey" Chuck said sheepishly as he walked into the room. He'd never been in Blair's bedroom before and he'd had to lie to the Polish maid to get up here, telling her that he had already had the pox and he'd probably been the one to give it to Blair. _

_Blair's eyes lit up in happiness that she didn't have to bear her burden alone and Chuck beamed in reply. "What are you doing here Chuck?"_

_"I thought you might want some company." He said walking into the room, shutting the door behind him. "I was just sitting outside in the waiting room at Dad's office so I left."_

_"All by yourself?" Blair asked in awe that Chuck would sneak out for her. He nodded. "But aren't you going to get in trouble?"_

_Chuck shrugged, "Maybe. They probably won't notice I'm gone though." He climbed up next to her on the bed. "Here I brought you something." He said holding out a bag._

_Blair took the bag, happier now than she had been the past three days. When she opened it she saw several Audrey Hepburn movies: Roman Holiday, Sabrina, Funny Face, Charade, and Breakfast at Tiffany's._

_"I thought you might get bored, you know, being stuck up here by yourself all the time and I know how much you liked My Fair Lady so I thought you might like these too." He was obviously nervous and Blair had yet to look up. "Oh yeah and I have the school work you've missed."_

_She looked up at Chuck and threw her arms around his neck. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" After a moment she realized what she had just done and pulled back. "Oh Chuck I'm so sorry. Now you're going to end up all itchy too!"_

_Chuck shrugged again. "It's okay." He didn't mind getting the chicken pox if it meant that he got to spend more time with her. "I don't mind." _

_Blair grinned a blush rising to her cheeks. "Will you watch one with me?" She asked, almost bashful. _

_"Of course." Chuck replied quickly. "I'm already exposed now right so what's the harm?"_

_Blair smiled. "Let's watch this one first." She spoke, pointing at Breakfast at Tiffany's._

_While Blair was putting in the movie, Chuck had taken out a red marker to put small dots all over his face. When she turned back around her face broke into a huge smile and Chuck said confidently. "So you're not the only one."_

Blair grinned thinking back. Of course two days later Chuck had come down with the chicken pox too. She had visited him every afternoon after school that week and no one stopped her. They didn't see the harm since she had already had it. "Dorota took this when she came to bring us a snack."

"Yep." Chuck said, fondly remembering that week that had been just him and Blair, it was one of his favorite childhood memories. He didn't even remember the itchiness, he just remembered all that time he'd gotten to spend with her without Serena or Nate around.

Blair shook her head and laughed. "They probably should have just intentionally infected all of us to get it over with. Then they could have just dealt with us all at the same time."

"I'm glad they didn't." Chuck spoke, frowning slightly at the thought that those memories could be taken away. Looking back up at Blair, he met her surprised gaze and though neither of them said anything or smiled, he knew she'd understood.

Looking back at the book, he flipped the page.

"Oh my God, the castle." Blair spoke as she stood from where she'd been sitting and moved over next to Chuck on the bed to get a closer look.

Chuck nodded his head a smile on his face. "That's from that summer in the Hamptons that Nate and I spent the whole time fighting."

Blair looked up at him confused. "I don't remember that at all, you guys never fought when we were growing up."

"Oh we did that summer." Chuck spoke wryly.

Furrowing her brow, Blair met his gaze. "What were you fighting about?"

Chuck shot her a look that said plenty but he still spoke. "You, of course. That was the summer that Nate finally woke up and realized how incredible you were. I hated him because I knew that I was losing you. You were my best friend and I'm not sure yet if I knew I loved you but I sure as hell knew I wanted you."

Blair frowned as she traced the castle with her finger tips. Now that she thought about it she could remember the tension that summer. Serena had been on vacation with her parents in Europe so it had just been her and the boys in the Hamptons. The giant sand castle had been their joint effort to impress her; their princess. Feeling uncomfortable she turned the page and simply listened while Chuck reminisced; pointing out birthdays and special events. It surprised her to find him looking at her several moments later.

Chuck looked at Blair strangely; it was as though she hadn't heard a word he'd just said. Her eyes even looked glazed. Finally deciding to repeat himself he pointed to a picture of the four of them sitting in his suite at the Palace when they were in middle school. "What's this? I don't remember this day at all."

Blair swallowed back the emotions she'd been feeling and focused on the picture, an easy smile coming to her face. "It's the day we formed the Non-Judging Breakfast Club."

_"Nate stop it, stop tickling me!" Blair exclaimed giggling as Nate rolled on top of her. She laughed loving the attention she was getting much more than she would have admitted; she knew that telling him to stop would only ensure that Nate would continue. In her periphery she could see Serena almost glaring at them and she had a pretty good idea of what her blonde friend was thinking. _

_Serena looked at the two puzzled. She wasn't entirely sure what had happened. They had returned from summer break not that long ago and things had been so different. Blair and Nate were so different. It was like two of her best friends now preferred the company of each other rather than her. Nate was getting so into sports and Blair, always the overachiever, was running for every office on the middle school campus. And Chuck, Chuck was distant to say the least. Rumor has it that he had been kissing Georgina Sparks in the locker room at school two weeks ago, Elle Pierson (a ninth grader) in the halls of Constance last week, and BOTH Kati and Is in the janitor's closet this week. This was extreme, Serena had kissed a boy or two but she doubted Blair or Nate had ever kissed anyone, which was the case with most kids their age, not to mention he had been acting out even more than usual. Half the time he didn't even show up to school. Serena just wanted to dance and have fun yet it seemed like her friends were out growing her. She forced a smile on her face and giggled before jumping in on the tickle fight._

_After a moment of the tickling nonsense and avid flirting with Nate, Blair looked up and unexpectedly locked eyes with Chuck. She stopped the tickling and sat up. "What's wrong?" She mouthed as Nate and Serena continued going at it._

_"Nothing." Chuck said looking away._

_Blair moved to where he was on the edge of the bed and took a long look at Chuck. "Come on Chuck, I'm your best friend, even if Nate thinks otherwise," she added with an eye roll before becoming serious once more. "Talk to me. Whatever it is that's bothering you, I promise I'll be here for you." Then she gestured towards the other two, who had finally noticed the change and were sitting up. "We all will be."_

_Nate and Serena both nodded and Nate spoke. "She's right man, we are always here."_

_"Like the Non-Judging Breakfast Club." Blair said with a smile._

_"What?" The other three asked, seemingly in unison._

_Blair rolled her eyes. "We're like the kids in the movie, Nate you are the perfect golden boy, and an amazing athlete. Serena you're the popular one, the social butterfly, without even trying. Chuck you're the bad boy," Chuck smirked at this and Blair continued, "you're always getting into trouble. And I am the perfectionist, the princess. You see, we are all so different, fitting in to different stereotypes, yet we are still the best of friends; but unlike the kids in the movie we don't judge each other for our differences and in the end we all recognize that even though we are different we're all similar too. We're all screwed up, we all have nightmares for parents, and we all are going to stand by each other through anything."_

_No one had to say anything else, Blair really had summed it all up and Chuck turned to face them. "My mom died giving birth to me. My birthday's tomorrow and it's . . . It's really hard."_

_They all gasped. Everyone knew that Chuck's mother wasn't around. Blair knew that she had died but not how and suddenly she was overwhelmed with sadness for Chuck. Blair reached out and wrapped her arms around him before she had even thought about it._

_At first, Chuck was stiff, as though he wasn't sure how to react. But eventually he loosened and let Blair hold him._

_Nate wasn't sure what to do so after a few awkward moments he turned on Blair's stereo. Surprisingly, the first song that came on was 'Don't You (Forget About Me)'. The song seemed to break the ice and they all started laughing. Suddenly Blair stood up and started dancing, Molly Ringwald style. Serena giggled and joined her. Pretty soon even the boys were dancing. As the song ended, they all collapsed on the bed in giggles and Serena grabbed the camera and started making pictures._

Chuck nodded, surprised at the sting of tears he felt in his eyes as he quickly moved on to less emotionally weighted pictures. Flipping through their middle school years he landed on one of them at the Kiss on the Lips party their eighth grade year. "Well look at that."

"I know." Blair said with a shake of her head. They were all so young to have been so crazy. They were dressed almost scandalously for a group of 13 year olds and she could see the drink in her hand. "That's the night Nate and I had our first kiss."

Chuck smirked as he glanced at Blair. "But it wasn't your first kiss now was it?"

Blair laughed as she remembered what they'd done earlier that day, though at the same time she couldn't help but roll her eyes. "Don't even go there, I was seduced!" She proclaimed.

"You begged me." Chuck spoke teasingly. "I held out for as long as I could then you turned those doe eyes on me and I relented."

Blair shook her head but it was too late, Chuck had already started reminiscing.

_"Chuck please. I need your help" Blair said as she adjusted her headband in the mirror of Chuck's new suite. Chuck had to be the only eighth grader in the world to have an entire suite all to himself._

_Chuck gritted his teeth and locked his jaw. He was not going to give in to her. "I already told you no Blair."_

_Blair turned to face him and softened her eyes in a way that made every boy or man she had ever met want to give her the world on a silver platter._

_"Damn it Blair." Chuck cursed looking away. "Why do you have to do that?" Either Blair was the cruelest girl in the world or she was the most naive. On one level he hoped it was naivety that prompted her to ask him to kiss her. Perhaps she thought that since he had kissed so many girls that kissing her would be nothing remarkable; perhaps she had no idea it was because of her that he ran around with all those other girls. For him she was quicksand; she had this irresistible draw to her and he couldn't seem to stay interested in any other girl for longer than ten minutes because he always just compared them to her. However, on some level he wanted it to be the cruelty in her that had brought her to him. The part of him that wanted her to know how much this was going to destroy him, that was the masochist in him._

_"Because I need your help." Blair said sweetly, taking a seat on the bed next to Chuck. He didn't move away and she placed a hand on his thigh, rubbing it up and down. "Serena says that Nate is going to kiss me tonight at the Kiss on the Lips party. He wants our first kiss to be special and what could be more special than our first Kiss on the Lips Party, right?" After a pause she continued. "So, I need to be good. You have experience, plus you're my best friend, so who better to teach me?"_

_Chuck breathed in a ragged breath. "Why do you want me to do this Blair?" He asked when what he really wanted to say was, 'Why are you doing this to me?' "You are Nathaniel's girlfriend and I can't even imagine how angry he would be if he knew what you were asking me right now." With that he took her hand and removed it from his thigh._

_Suddenly, Blair looked as though she was about to cry. Her eyes began to water and her lips began to tremble as she said quietly. "What if I'm not good at it and he breaks up with me?"_

_When the first tear fell, Chuck knew he wasn't going to be able to resist giving in to her. "Okay, okay, don't cry I'll show you." Chuck said in a tone that most never heard him use, but then again most people weren't Blair Waldorf._

_Blair's eyes lit up and the tears immediately stopped. "Really?"_

_Chuck nodded and regardless of what this was going to do to him and to Nate if Nate ever found out, he couldn't help but be happy when Blair looked so excited. "It's not difficult." Chuck said leaning towards her a little bit and cupping her face; if he was going to do this he was going to really do it. As he moved closer he allowed his hand to slide back into her hair. "Just hold still."_

_"Wait!" Blair said suddenly. "What do I do, like with . . . my mouth?"_

_Chuck smirked, his face about six inches from hers. "You'll know."_

_With that he closed the distance until his lips were only a few inches away from hers. "I'm going to kiss you now."_

_"Okay." Blair breathed. Her heart was beating a mile a minute, almost like the wings of a butterfly._

_Chuck's lips brushed hers as he spoke, "You sure?"_

_"Yes." Blair, moved her lips to form the words but didn't speak and Chuck pressed his lips to hers._

_As Chuck began kissing her Blair's lips remained immobile. But eventually as he continued her mouth started to loosen. He took the lead and allowed his tongue to slide out of his mouth and flick across her lips asking for entrance. As her mouth opened to him, his tongue traveled out of his mouth and into hers. He pulled back slightly and continued moving his lips. Chuck couldn't deny that there was a stirring in his gut that was driving him forward even though he knew that they should stop and she should leave. He pulled his mouth away to give Blair the option to quit; but he left his forehead resting against hers. Blair took him off guard when she closed the gap and started kissing him._

_Blair had been nervous at first but after a minute or so of Chuck kissing her she wanted to give it a try herself. So when Chuck paused she went back in. She could tell that she had surprised him but he caught on quickly and allowed her to lead. Blair was curious and after allowing her tongue to explore his mouth she pulled back. Resting her forehead against his, just like he had done to her. "How was that?" She asked, breathless._

_"You're a fast learner." Said Chuck, panting. From what he could tell, Blair didn't need teaching in the first place. She was a natural. Chuck knew he shouldn't but he couldn't resist asking her, "Want to play a little game of Simon Says?"_

_Blair arched her eyebrow inquisitively. "I'm not sure I understand."_

_"It's simple" Chuck said with a smirk. "I do something to you, then you do it back. It's basically what we just did."_

_Blair bit her swollen lip and thought for a minute. Kissing Chuck had been nice and he was certainly a good teacher but maybe it had all gone far enough. She loved Nate, she always had. But as Chuck looked at her questioningly, she couldn't help but nod her head. She wanted to really wow Nate later and if Chuck was willing to keep teaching her, she would take what she could get._

_With Blair's consent Chuck moved to lean her back on the bed and began to kiss her again. This time he moved a little more, adjusting his mouth more often. He began sucking on her lip and nibbled slightly before moving back inside her mouth. After a moment, he allowed Blair to take over and do the same thing. He couldn't help but groan as she bit his lip a little too hard._

_Blair popped back suddenly, "Did I do something wrong?"_

_Chuck reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Not so hard. Try again."_

_Blair leaned back down and started kissing Chuck again, this time when she played with his lip, she was more careful. "How was that? She asked slowly pulling away._

_"Perfect." Chuck said with a smirk. "Now, mouth's aren't the only place that you can kiss . . . " Chuck said, leaving the statement hanging as he moved back in. This time he only stayed at her mouth for a moment before moving his kisses to her jaw line and then, down her neck to her collar bone. Once there, he began to gently kiss and suck; not thinking about the mark that it would leave._

_Blair pulled his head back to hers and took over. Mimicking the movements he had just made. After a moment Chuck said his breath rather ragged. "Do you want to try it all together?"_

_Blair pulled away and nodded and Chuck kissed her once more. They alternated leading and allowed things to flow. Her hands wove their way into his hair and he traced lines up and down her spine as they kissed. Chuck recognized the signs of a hard-on even though he knew Blair didn't so he gently broke away and whispered. "I think that's probably enough teaching."_

_Blair nodded. Her eyes looked surprised, as though she had forgotten what she was doing and with whom she was doing it. She looked over at the clock and saw that she had less than three hours to get ready before Nate was picking her up at her house and quickly got up. As she straightened her clothes and Chuck sat up on the bed, she thought it best to make a polite, yet expedient exit. "Thank you Chuck for . . . Uh . . . Teaching me." Blair said awkwardly._

_Chuck smirked. "You didn't need teaching Blair. You are naturally one of the best kissers I've kissed and well, that's saying a lot."_

_Blair smiled and blushed. "I'll see you tonight and thank you Chuck, really."_

Blair exhaled loudly at the memory. "What on earth was I thinking? I was so naïve."

Chuck groaned in response. "You're telling me. I was so hard after you left that I barely made it to the bathroom before blowing my load. You were such a little cocktease."

Laughing Blair playfully nudged his shoulder. "You're so crude. And the funny thing was I really had no idea what I was doing to you."

"I know." Chuck spoke. As he thought about it he felt his jaw tighten. "I loved that I was first. Something Nate could never take from me. That's why I was smiling like that in the Kiss on the Lips picture."

Blair looked up at the primal nature of his gaze, she felt a flicker of something race through her as her heart picked up. But before she could say anything he had turned the page.

She stayed quiet as they continued looking through the photos of their eighth grade year. But moving into their ninth she heard him let out a surprised sound.

Chuck furrowed his brow as he took the page in his hand flipping it back and forth as though he thought it was going to change. Finally he looked over at Blair in surprise. "Where'd I go?"

Blair scoffed loudly as she turned the page into the ninth grade, putting eighth grade behind them. "You decided you couldn't be friends with me anymore."

"I did not." Chuck spoke defensively. This time he really had no idea what she was talking about. He didn't remember much from freshman year besides the fact that he'd discovered the wonders of sex, drugs, and alcohol, which, now that he thought about it, probably explained a lot. But he didn't really remember an absence of Blair. "We were still together a lot weren't we? I mean you were Nate's girlfriend."

Blair lifted her chin defiantly. "You were around, but we weren't friends anymore, not like we used to be. Not since the beginning of that summer."

"The limo ride to the Hamptons." Chuck spoke. "I can't believe I'd forgotten." He remembered now though and the memory in and of itself was painful. Everyone else had taken the jitney but Blair had opted to join Chuck in his limo, in retrospect it had been a bad idea. They'd gotten a little tipsy and had some huge fight about Nate and in his jealousy Chuck had said terrible things to Blair that he hadn't meant to say - things about how she would always be second best to Serena when it came to Nate and her mom, how she'd never be good enough. Thinking of it now made him sick.

Blair observed Chuck's face carefully, not wanting to interrupt whatever thoughts he was having. Today had been such a surprise and she didn't want to ruin it now, so she was glad when Chuck began to flip through the pages again. She noticed he breezed by the Sheppard Wedding quickly and couldn't have been happier. That was not something that she wanted to discuss even if it didn't mean anything now, Nate and Serena's betrayal had still hurt. It was his speed through all of ninth and into tenth that caused Blair to realize that Chuck was on some kind of mission, there was something he was looking for and she wouldn't know until he found it.

Coming to a sudden halt in his search, Chuck thrust his finger down at the picture before him and smiled. "Redemption!"

Blair laughed as she looked at the picture before recalling the memory she associated with it. It was true, everything that Chuck had said in the limo ride to the Hamptons had been redeemed that April afternoon.

_Chuck groaned as he heard knocking at the door. He nudged the blonde who was in the process of removing his pants off of him, as he called out. "Who is it?"_

_Blair had been knocking frantically on the door to Chuck Bass's suite. She was perfectly aware of what she was probably interrupting but she really didn't care. When she heard Chuck ask who was at the door, she didn't hesitate to answer. "Chuck, it's me Blair. Please open the door."_

_The girl hadn't really stopped trying to remove his pants so at the sound of Blair's voice he muttered. If Blair was here than it was important, she never came here without good reason. "Get up and put your clothes back on."_

_"But we were just getting started." The girl said, putting on her best sexy face._

_Chuck tossed the blonde girl's clothes at her. "Tasha, get dressed and go." Then loudly enough that Blair could hear, "I'll be right there, give me one minute."_

_"My name is Tamara." The girl hissed as she pulled her dress over her head._

_Chuck glared but Tamara did as he said and walked towards the door. When she opened it she shot Blair a look that clearly let her know how she felt about being dismissed for her._

_"Come in Waldorf." Chuck called as he pulled his shirt over his head. He didn't know why Blair was here. To his knowledge she hadn't been in his suite in two years, unless it was for a party. He checked outside, it was still daylight, what was she doing here? As he stepped out of his bedroom into the living room he spoke "What can I do for you Waldorf? I'm all up and ready to go since you just sent my afternoon appointment . . . " but trailed off as he saw her. Blair looked like complete hell. His snarky sarcasm faded to concern faster than he had sent that girl running when he heard Blair at the door. "Sit down, I'll get you a drink."_

_As Chuck turned to go to the bar, Blair reached out and caught his arm. "No, I . . . I . . . I just need someone to talk to."_

_Chuck looked at Blair. He looked at her in a way that he looked at very few people and it was in a way that no one had looked at her before; it was as though he was really looking at her, not who everyone else saw when they looked at her. He didn't look at the perfect, soon to be queen of Constance instead he looked at Blair Waldorf the girl. "Okay."_

_Blair shuddered after a few minutes under Chuck's intense gaze before nodding her head slightly as though they had come to some sort of an agreement. Like maybe he had looked inside her, saw that she needed him, and now they were agreeing to put the past in the past. So as they reached this hypothetical agreement she spoke softly, "Okay," before allowing Chuck to lead her to the couch._

_As they sat, Chuck pulled a handkerchief from his suit pocket and handed it to her. "What happened Blair, what's wrong?"_

_Blair who had still been holding his gaze suddenly looked away. She looked at the table, towards the bar, out the window, down at the ruby ring that had been a gift from Nate; anywhere but at Chuck. While she was still looking down at her hands, one of them twisting the ruby ring on the other, she spoke. "My dad left my mom . . . for another man." As she finished her statement she looked up at Chuck's eyes which were now wide with surprise. "My dad is moving to France with Roman; his plane leaves in a couple of hours. This has been going on for months now and I had no clue." Tears were starting to form at the corners of her eyes and her voice was beginning to shake._

_Chuck reached out and brushed a tear that had escaped with his thumb. "I'm so sorry." He knew that was all she needed him to say._

_Blair bit her lip trying to stop the tears from falling because she knew that if she started she wouldn't be able to stop; not for a long time. "I'm sick Chuck."_

_The words made his heart plummet as they left her mouth. His first thought was that she had cancer like the girl in that Mandy Moore movie; that she was dying like his mother._

_She tentatively continued. "I'm making myself sick. I . . . I thought that I was better, that I was okay but I'm not."_

_Chuck suddenly grew inexplicably angry. Blair was making herself ill; why on earth would she do that? As his nostrils flared and he worked to control his voice, Chuck spoke measured words. "How long has this been going on Blair?"_

_Her chin was trembling with the effort that it took to keep the tears from falling. "Since the summer after eighth grade."_

_'Shit' thought Chuck. That was nearly two years. Chuck said the only word he could manage to choke out, which was probably added by the fact that it was the only word he could think. "Why?"_

_Blair was starting to shake all over; but she answered his question. "Mom always loved Serena more; wished that I was more like her. She never thought that I was as pretty as Serena and she was always telling me that I needed to watch my weight."_

_As Blair spoke Chuck's hands balled into fists. He could kill Eleanor Waldorf for making Blair think that she was anything less than perfect. At the same time, he felt the first pangs of guilt. What Chuck had said the summer after eighth grade in the limo had perpetuated some of those very ideas, the day he virtually ended their friendship._

_Blair continued. "And I'm not stupid, I see the way that Nate looks at Serena. She outshines me, she can't help it."_

_Once more, Chuck's fists tightened but this time it was Nate he wanted to punch. Nate was stupid for thinking Serena was nearly as pretty as Blair. However, inside of him there was another little stab of guilt, guilt because he knew what Nate and Serena had done at the Sheppard Wedding - he had seen them._

_"That plus everyone keeps leaving me. My Dad's leaving for France and Serena, Serena left without so much as goodbye. My mom must be right, if I were pretty enough they wouldn't leave, if I were worthy of being loved they would stay." Blair said as the tears finally began to pour down her checks._

_Blair wasn't here because she needed him to say all kinds of clichés. She didn't come so that he could tell her that everything was going to be okay when there was a damn good chance that everything wasn't going to be okay. She simply needed to know that she wasn't in this alone. So Chuck reached out and pulled her to him. "I'm here." Chuck ran his fingers through her hair as he held her to him and let her cry, not caring that her mascara was ruining his shirt. "I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."_

_At first Chuck couldn't tell what Blair was saying, only that she was trying to speak to him. "What did you say?"_

_Blair pulled back slightly; just far enough that Chuck could hear her. "Promise me. Promise me that you aren't going anywhere, that you won't leave."_

_Chuck pulled her back to him. "I promise Blair. No matter what, I'm not going anywhere. You will always have me."_

_After holding her for what could have been hours but was really only about thirty minutes, Chuck glanced at his watch. "What time did you say your dad's flight was leaving Blair?"_

_Blair used his handkerchief to wipe her tears. "Seven pm."_

_Chuck tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "You're not saying goodbye?"_

_Blair shook her head. "No. I'm too angry to face him right now."_

_"Get up." Chuck said standing abruptly._

_"What?" Blair said, staring at him dumbstruck._

_"Get up." Chuck repeated taking her hand. This time she complied and Chuck called his driver to bring his car around. They were on the street corner about to step into Chuck's limo before Blair managed to get Chuck to tell her where it was they were going. "The airport."_

_Blair immediately turned around and headed back towards the Palace. "No way Chuck, no way."_

_Chuck ran around and blocked her path. "Blair we don't have time for this, get in the limo."_

_She shook her head. "I already told you, I refuse to say goodbye to that man."_

_"That man is your father Blair and you adore him." Chuck said, placing his hands on her upper arms to keep her from running._

_Blair surprised him by shouting. "My father is abandoning me Chuck! HE is abandoning ME. Therefore, I don't have to say goodbye if I don't want to." She finished stubbornly._

_Chuck took only a second to collect his thoughts. "You're right Blair, It's completely your decision as to whether or not you are going to say goodbye. But if you don't, if you let him leave without hugging him or saying anything, you are going to wish you had every day until you see him again. Trust me, I know what it's like to have parents that you can't see or hug."_

_Chuck heard Blair's sharp intake of breath before he spoke. "Get in."_

Blair wanted to take Chuck's hand then as they talked about one of the most emotional moments of her life but she didn't because she didn't want to push him, didn't want to scare him away. It was a shock when she felt his hand close around her own and she had to hold back a smile.

Chuck began to turn the pages of the book again without really looking at the pictures, he was much too focused on the warmth flowing from Blair into him, that he felt at the point they connected. He knew he should let go, that this should feel wrong but it didn't so he left his hand clasped in hers.

Blair looked on as their sophomore year became their junior year, the day she and Chuck invented the Nair-tini, her being crowned queen, so many episodes of scheming with Chuck and dates with Nate, Serena's return, Ivy Week, the Masquerade Ball, and then Chuck froze once more on the pages where they began. Blair smiled as she squeezed his hand tightly, both of them looking over the pictures from their time together.

"We were so young." Chuck spoke quietly as he looked from photo to photo - one at Victrola the night Blair had given him her virginity, several from her seventeenth birthday party, photos from their time sneaking around, and the debutante ball. "Remember what I said about being your first kiss?"

Blair nodded, seeing that words might ruin the moment.

"Well, it was an even bigger deal to me that I was your first everything. I can't even describe how that felt. To know that for that short time I was the only one you'd been with, the only one who'd ever moved inside you, who'd ever seen what was beneath your cool calm exterior." Chuck spoke, his voice almost raw as he thought about it. Meeting her gaze he nodded. "For that moment you were mine and only mine and it was the most incredible feeling in the world."

Shocked Blair swallowed before giving his hand the lightest squeeze. "I've always been glad that it was you."

Looking at the next picture, Chuck nodded. "That's why I blackmailed you. I was so fucking furious that you weren't mine anymore I couldn't handle it."

Together they continued to look and gradually comment on the different memories. The day he'd tried to ruin her life by exposing their affair, his dad's wedding to Lily, the week before they were supposed to go to Tuscany, the White Party, photos of her and Marcus together, the Snowflake Ball, and then his father's funeral.

Once more Blair felt Chuck freeze next to her and laid her head on his shoulder. "You okay?" She asked quietly.

Chuck nodded slowly, aware of Blair's weight on his shoulder and comforted by it. "I just forget sometimes how much happened. And my father . . ." He stopped, his voice getting choked up as his gaze landed on his note to her that was on the next page; the note he'd left her when he'd run off after she'd comforted him.

"It's okay, I get it." Blair started as she sat up to look at him.

Chuck shook his head, looking at the note and the photos that followed in the next few months. "I almost didn't make it through the first anniversary of my dad's death that you weren't there for, it's hard every year but I don't know what I would have done without you there after the funeral or the night of Serena's accident with Tripp."

Blair just nodded as she continued to hold his hand, unwilling to admit that she knew that the year after the Hamptons had been even worse. So instead she kept turning the pages through her spring with Nate, the school play, prom, and graduation, up until the day that Chuck had finally told her he loved her. "Well look at that." She spoke pointing to the photograph of them outside of her apartment with a pressed flower next to it.

Chuck felt a smile creep through the shadow that had covered his face as he saw the picture. "Took me long enough." He flipped through the photos of that summer, his smile widening throughout.

Blair couldn't help the words that were going through her mind as she looked at the different photos and knew that Chuck was probably remembering the same thing. When they ended their games and their real relationship began.

_"We could never be boring." Chuck spoke his voice reassuring. _

_Blair shook her head. "You say that, but I know you. You're Chuck Bass." _

_Chuck smiled, realizing then that Blair was only feeling insecure and knowing the exact words that needed saying. "I'm not Chuck Bass without you." _

Chuck exhaled looked at the next photograph, it had been such a long day when that had been made, he wasn't even sure when the photo was taken but he did remember Blair crawling into bed with him after her first week at NYU.

_"You were right about the dorms. The lighting is awful." Realizing Chuck was quiet and hadn't responded she wrapped an arm around him and spoke softly. "You okay?" _

_Chuck took her hand and placed a kiss on it before holding it in his. "I am now." _

Looking at the picture of them in front of the Empire Hotel Blair repressed a frown because she knew that he didn't think of it the same way he used to because of her. But that didn't stop her from remembering that first day in front of it after she'd given him the photo they were both trying to win at auction and he'd purchased the Empire.

_"I want you to have this." _

_"Why?" _

_"Because I love you, you enormously stubborn pain in the ass." _

_"What about La Table Eli__taire__?" _

_"What about them?" She spoke with a sigh. "I believe in you and if this is what it takes for you to believe in you. It's worth it." _

_"I've been meeting with the board of Bass Industries all morning. I told them I want to cash my shares out, risk it all, on my own. They think I've lost my mind." He spoke laughing as he looked at Blair. _

_"Have you." She asked, voice slightly awed. _

_"No." _

_"Then how can you be so sure?" _

_Chuck kissed her lips before speaking. "Because you believe in me." _

The memories faded together as they flipped the pages. Chuck laughed as he looked at photos from the Fleur movie premier, almost saying aloud the first words that came to his mind.

_"Chuck, NYU is not the Upper East Side. They don't care about Constance, or social hierarchy. They don't care that I'm Blair Waldorf! It's over." _

_"How can you do this to me?"_

_"What are you talking about?"_

_"I'm Chuck Bass. And I told you I love you. You're saying I'm easier to win over than a bunch of pseudo-intellectual homesick malcontents. You really insult me like that?"_

_"That's not how it is."_

_"It's exactly how it is. The next time you forget you're Blair Waldorf, remember I'm Chuck Bass. And I love you."_

Chuck was about to turn the page when Blair exhaled. "That was one of the more life-affirming moments that I've ever experienced. I know it was a long time ago and you aren't in love with me like that anymore but the fact that you loved me once was something that I have gone back to time and time again. That I was the one that Chuck Bass would commit to - I was special because I was the only one that got to have that."

When he didn't say anything for a long moment, Blair lifted her hand to turn the page but before she could Chuck placed his hand on hers and looked up at her, surprise evident in his eyes. "At the risk of sounding like a total cliché I can't not say this - you have to know that it was always you. You were the reason I didn't commit to anyone else, because no one else was you. I still don't think you quite realize what you were to me Blair and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to explain it."

Their eyes locked together and held for a long moment, she could feel her heart beat in her chest and wanted to say something - to ask what he meant even though she was pretty sure she knew. But before she could he turned the page and broke eye contact. She knew that was the end of the conversation and though the thought lingered in her mind she focused on the next photo set.

Looking down she crinkled her nose. This time in her life was one of her favorites and least favorites at the same time. She'd loved how great of a place she was in with Chuck but the rest of her life had been such a mess - she'd really hated NYU and things with Serena had been crap. Now as she looked at the night she tricked Chuck into kissing a guy so she could get the NYU toast she was disgusted with herself all over again. "I was really a terrible person." She spoke quietly

Chuck shook his head. "You weren't terrible. The games were a coping mechanism." When he thought she was going to interrupt him he cut her off. "Trust me, I did the same thing. The games were what we used when we felt like we didn't have control." As he spoke he gave the hand of hers he was still holding the slightest squeeze.

Nodding Blair turned the pages looking at the prohibition party again, smiling at the photo of them that she'd looked at earlier and knowing that Chuck had to be remembering the same thing, Tripp's election party.

_"Did you ever find Brandeis?" _

_"Yes. We're not friends anymore. That's okay. I have you. That's all I need." _

Looking over at Chuck, Blair smiled, her fingers tracing a picture from the Deb ball that year. "You locked me in that elevator and forced me to be friends with Serena again."

"It was for your own good." He responded with a smile.

Blair lifted her eyebrows. "Probably, though I can't say the same about my La Perla's that you loaned out to Nate's hookers."

Chuck blushed slightly at the memory. That had been ill advised to say the least. She'd forgiven him quickly because he'd helped her fix things with Serena and because Nate had been in need but even her slight ire had been enough to remind him never to do it again. Flipping the page he frowned. "I think that Thanksgiving might have been the worst I can remember."

"And we've had some shitty ones." She added quickly. "But I am inclined to agree."

Neither of them mentioned the Thanksgiving right after they'd first gotten together when her mom had disinvited her dad and she'd gotten sick.

_"You are pretty much the last person I expected to hear from today. Isn't your father in town?" He asked, a smile clear in his voice. He was happy to hear from her, though he'd never admit it aloud._

_She couldn't even manage a smile in return, in fact she could barely form words. "Mom uninvited him, she told him that I couldn't bear to see him after he left me. And...she sent away Daddy's pie." _

_She could hear him swallow on the other end of the line, she knew that he knew this was bad. She knew she sounded broken, and she was too strong to sound broken. "Are you okay?" He asked, voice soft and kind like he only ever was with her. _

_"No." She said through a choked sob. "I'm sick." She wasn't sure how much he knew, or if he'd guess. "I need you." _

_"Shit, my father and I are in the Chalet in the Alps with clients." The regret clear in his voice. "I can get on a plane but it will be tomorrow at the earliest." Seeming to think things over, he thought about something. "What about S? Where is she?" _

_She exhaled, shaking with her tears. "We got in a fight, about you actually. She saw us together." _

_He couldn't help but snort back his laughter. "Which time?" He thought she might have cracked a smile but he knew that wasn't what she needed, she needed someone to be there for her. "Whatever happened, call her, she's your best friend." _

_"But…" She started but he interrupted her. _

_"No buts...and if you still need me, I'll be on the next flight out of here." He spoke before hesitating. _

_"Okay." She spoke softly. "Thank you...for you know caring." _

Chuck paused for a minute thinking about mentioning that he had been glad that she'd called him that day but didn't. That was one memory that hurt him too much to even bring up. Instead he turned the page.

Chuck swallowed at the next set of images. "You kept these?" He asked softly. It was the business plans from the building he was going to tear down to prove that he wasn't weak on the anniversary of Bart's death, along with a photo of them leaving the Hospital that had been on Gossip Girl.

Blair nodded, her tone matching his. "I told you - the good and the bad." As she spoke she looked up and realized that he wasn't really with her in that moment, instead he was remembering that conversation in the hospital hallway. It had been a turning point for them.

_"My father always thought I was weak. And in the moment that mattered most I was. I couldn't be there when he ... I left. Right away. I've been pushing myself to prove him wrong, and pushing you away." He spoke, his voice strangled._

_"I don't think you ran away because you couldn't handle death. I think it's because you couldn't handle feelings. You're not like that anymore. You're strong. You carry people. You carry me. You're becoming a man in a way that your father never was. Come. Let's say goodbye."_

Chuck felt a tightness in his throat as he turned the pages, memories of this time flooding him. Blair had been the one thing that held him together when things started to fall apart that spring. All that confusion over whether or not it was his mother, she'd stood by him. She'd promised him that he didn't need anyone else, that his mother and father didn't matter, that she'd always be his family. But her next words still caught him off guard.

"That hasn't changed Chuck, I'll always consider you my family. Always." Blair spoke knowing what he must be remembering. That had been a promise she'd made to him and one she never under any circumstance could take back.

Chuck's head turned towards her quickly as the shimmer of a connection he'd felt with her a few times in the last month seemed to shine brightly between them. She'd said just the thing he was thinking as he was thinking it and it had shocked him because in that moment it was just the thing he needed to hear.

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><p><strong>Reviews are always appreciated. Part 2 is complete as well so I should be uploading again soon.<strong>

**xoxo kate**


	15. Reopening of Memory Lane: Pt II

**IMPORTANT A/N - If when you read the fanfic chapters 6 & 7 were the same that was an error and you're missing an important segment of the story! Apologies for the confusion there I made an edit to chapter 7 a few months ago and accidentally saved it to the wrong chapter - when I tried to fix it the text went crazy - I'm working now to solve the issue. Thanks to LunaSeasMoonChild for pointing this out!**

**ETA: This issue is FINALLY fixed...**

Sorry for the delay this time – work has been absolutely nuts. Those of you that read multiple of my stories know that sooner or later someone is going to show up with a singing talent…sorry if you're not into that music is a big part of my life and my writing so I hope it doesn't bother you too much.

To all my reviewers**: invincible soul, Temp02, misssunnybluesky, ChuckBlair08lover, Catfish22, PureJadore, Sharryy, lovetvtoomuchxo, CarolinaGirl21, LovelyLydia, bassempire, Michii, BellaB2010, Lily, Stella, Amazed, LunaSeasMoonChild, BB, beblobs, adupree013, Olivia Mallett,** and all my lovely guest reviewers. You guys are so incredible and I seriously get excited each and every time you update just to see what everyone's reactions will be. Thanks again!

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Credit Where Credit is Due: For the following songs, I either used the lyrics, referenced the song, or used the song for inspiration in this chapter: One More Night – Maroon 5, Battlefield – Jordan Sparks, With Me – Sum41, Who You Love – John Mayer and Katy Perry, I'm Sorry – Blake Shelton, and Taken – One Direction. I also used a quote from One Tree Hill's Jake Jagielski and Matched by Ally Condie.

Also many many thanks to my beta kosoul7.

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><p><strong>Chapter 14: Reopening of Memory Lane Pt II<strong>

For a long moment Chuck and Blair both simply stared at each other, their gaze more heated than it had been in a long time. Blair knew it was just the nostalgia getting to him but there was something between them right then that felt so incredibly tangible. The sureness of their connection was almost startling.

Chuck exhaled slowly as he laid a hand on the page in front of him. He wanted to look away from her but the energy that was coursing between them couldn't seem to settle. He wanted to reach out and touch Blair but he was afraid that even the smallest touch might cause him to do something crazy.

Blair knew she had to look away, she couldn't keep staring at him or she would push him too far, she would do something she'd regret. Looking down she felt tears build behind her lashes and her shoulders tightening because the next part of this scrapbook wasn't something she was looking forward to. Shaking, she turned the page knowing what was next and how it would feel to look at that part of her life with Chuck. Landing on the page where Chuck had traded her for the Hotel she heard the words echoing inside of her head - words that caused her to flinch even now as they seemed to flood her mind, racing through as though assaulting her.

_"I can't let my feelings cost me all I've built."_

_"The worst thing I ever did. The darkest thought I ever had. You said you would stand by me through anything. This, Blair, is anything." _

_"You went up there on your own."_

The words she wanted to say choked in her throat as she squeezed her eyes shut and began to turn the page. "We don't need to look through these, thinking about it's pointless." She spoke turning pages through the hotel debacle as quickly as possible - not realizing that she'd landed on something almost as bad - Dorota's wedding photos.

_"The only reason you're giving it is so you can spend time with me. You know weddings are my weakness."_

_"Really? It never occurred to me." _

_"Everything occurs to you, Chuck." _

_"Blair, you and I are magnetic. You can feel it. The pull is as undeniable as ever." _

_"It's different this time." _

_"It doesn't have to be. I love you. Saying it was hard but I did and I've never looked back. So now I'm asking you, please do this for me. Please forgive me." _

_"I'm sorry I can't." _

She felt her heart clench in her chest over and over again. She hated these pages, these reminders of how young and stupid they were; how much they'd hurt each other. These were the memories that at one time had made her think she was right to walk away - now she hated them because they'd ever made her think that. Her stomach turned as she thought about the fact that this must be what the memories from the Hamptons felt like for Chuck. And all those times after she left that she wasn't there and he was in pain...

_"Blair I don't want this to be you settling. Some sort of consolation." _

_"We both hit rock bottom, Chuck. But we've hit it together. At least we won't be lonely in hell."_

"Hey. Snap out of it." Chuck said causing Blair to blink furiously as she looked around. What had just happened? Looking up at Chuck she narrowed her eyes for a moment in confusion before exhaling and starting to flip through the pages again but Chuck stopped her by placing the hand that wasn't holding hers on her hand that was turning the pages. "Blair."

Blair looked up at him and swallowed tightly. She wasn't sure what to say.

"I am sorry." He said looking down at a picture from Vanya and Dorota's wedding before looking back up at her, remorse clear in his eyes. It hurt him to see the pain from those memories still in her eyes - he truly had done some unredeemable things to her. "There are very few things in my life that I can say I regret more than my actions concerning Jack and the Empire."

Blair tilted her head slightly finally realizing that Chuck thought what had upset her was the memory of that mess with Jack. She smiled sadly holding back a bout of ironic laughter. "I was just thinking that as much as I thought you'd hurt me, nothing has ever hurt as badly as staying away from you did."

Looking down at the photographs before meeting Chuck's gaze once more, she shook her head. "I hate these pages. But it's not because I'm still upset about what happened. I hate them because at one point I thought that these things were enough to make me run away from you."

This time it was Chuck who found himself at a loss for words. That might have been the last thing he expected her to say. He'd always thought that she'd been holding on to all of that hurt and pain all along but that's not what it sounded like. "Is that what you were thinking about just then?"

Blair shrugged. "That, and the fact that you probably have memories where I've hurt you just as badly. Ones from after I left." As she spoke she noticed that his eyes held a certain warmth, and he gave her the slightest of nods. "And maybe a few from before I left too. I know I wasn't innocent in all of this."

Chuck held her gaze as she spoke, he was so caught up in the words she was saying. Dan was right, she was different, she was so very different and yet as he stared into her warm brown eyes he knew she was exactly the same. He inhaled quickly as her laughter broke his concentration; he'd forgotten how beautiful she was when she laughed.

Laughing Blair pointed to a picture of them exiting the ceremony. "I still remember this conversation, me telling you that I wanted 'Real love. Pure and simple.'"

"I told you, you'd be bored." Chuck said with a laugh of his own.

Blair nodded, her smile brightening. "You weren't wrong on that point. God I was such an idiot. I had no clue what I wanted and I was scared out of my mind. I knew how much I loved you, and thought that loving someone that much was bad, was destructive, couldn't be a good thing."

Chuck swallowed and looked away because he knew exactly where this conversation could and probably would go if he didn't stop it before it got there. He flipped through the next couple of pages until he paused on one from the night they went after Serena's father. "I'm not sure if I was an immature idiot when I told you I did the bravest thing I'd ever done by telling you I loved you, or if I understood myself better as a 19 year old than I have since." He spoke, barely thinking about the words coming out of his mouth.

Blair furrowed her brow but said nothing because she understood that there wasn't really anything to say. She remembered what he'd said next, that he'd never regretted the decision, that he'd never looked back. But she couldn't handle bringing that up and possibly hearing him say that he did regret it. "When you told me that we were never going to be safe, I remember thinking that sounded more like a threat than a method of persuasion."

Chuck laughed and turned the page, pausing only for a moment at the image of the Empire State Building, Dorota's baby, and the two of them on the way to the Hospital. He felt nothing but disgust with himself for those photos and for the first time in a very long time, he felt regret for more than just hurting her. "That's right up there with the Hotel incident."

Blair could see that he was thinking hard about what was going on in these photos but knew that together they'd revisited those memories too many times and turned the page. "And I repeat, I was no saint. I could have called, I didn't."

Flipping through her summer in France, she was talking aloud, though almost to herself. "That's when I met Louis, I almost ruined that one too." She spoke shaking her head. "And then there's that." She paused at a photo taken at the train station.

Chuck froze as he stared at that one picture, a picture of them simply facing each other, maybe they were speaking, maybe they weren't. It didn't really matter because it all came flooding back. He found himself breathing deeply as he thought of that moment when he'd seen her there. His heart had been about to beat out of his chest.

Blair could feel the parallels or at least the ones that would have been there if Chuck had ever approached her when he tracked her down, had ever tried to convince her to come home. "I destroyed the only thing I ever loved." She spoke, quoting him. As she did she took her hand out of his and angled her body to face him a little bit more.

Chuck looked at her but said nothing, his brow furrowed as he heard her, echoing his own words.

Blair nudged his shoulder gently. "This is the part where you remind me that you don't love me anymore."

Chuck continued looking at her, wanting to say it if only to prove a point. He'd been saying it for over a month now, what was the big deal of saying it now. But instead he looked away.

Blair couldn't have helped the small victory she felt as he didn't say it, even though he'd said it enough times since she'd been back to last a lifetime. "Your world would have been easier if I hadn't come back." She'd said, reminding him of what he'd once said to her.

Chuck was still looking away when he started speaking. "That's true." Turning his head he met her gaze. He didn't know what he was doing, or why, or even if it was a good idea - in fact he was pretty sure it was a terrible one - but he couldn't seem to stop himself. "But my world wouldn't be my world without you in it."

Blair could feel her pulse racing as her heart pounded in her ears. He sounded as though he meant it, like he wanted her to stay and if nothing else, that was a step forward. "Chuck...I loved you so much in that moment. You might have thought I didn't but even when I hated you I loved you."

Chuck exhaled aware that they were sitting even more closely together now than when he'd held her hand. His side was pressed against hers from his knee all the way up his thigh and along his side; and every inch of his skin that was pressed against hers was scorching. "I don't know what else to say right now, but you were right that night at the train station, my world isn't my world without you. Even when I want it to be."

Blair nodded and quickly returned her attention to the scrapbook. The heat between them was almost palpable - the air felt tight and thick. Something about this walk through their past was kind of cathartic for her but at the same time it was bringing so much she'd kept locked away to the forefront of her mind and she had to think that it must be doing the same to him.

She couldn't believe that he was still sitting next to her and hadn't run away yet and she wouldn't push him any further than he was willing to go. Turning through the pages of Eva and then their war. "I'm not sorry for getting rid of her." Blair spoke almost absentmindedly.

Chuck laughed low in his throat, still aware of how very close she was; so close he could smell her shampoo. "Neither am I. I didn't really love her, I was using her to hide. I shouldn't have gone after you like I did."

Blair shrugged and continued looking at the photographs. "I'm sure I deserved it for something. Besides it led the best sex of my life." She added, completely serious.

Chuck laughed looking first at the copy of their contract that she had apparently kept then at photos from her birthday party - including one of nothing more than the piano. He felt his entire body tighten as he looked at that image - in truth it always did when he saw the piano that was still sitting downstairs - it had been a long time since he'd really thought about that night.

_"What are you still doing here Chuck? I threw you out hours ago." Blair spoke as she noticed him lounging against the piano. _

_"I wanted to let you know the treaty is over." He responded, not sure he knew exactly what he was doing there. He knew how he felt, knew he was letting other emotions rage to keep those he wasn't allowed to express at bay; but what she'd said and done earlier had changed everything. _

_Coming to a stop a few feet in front of him, Blair could feel her heart beat quicken even as she forced a calm front. "Fine with me. This pretense of civility was exhausting." _

_Tilting his head he studied her, unsure whether or not he'd gotten under her skin yet. He knew to get anything real out of her he had to push her; he had to push her until her emotions overpowered her head. "Being amicable isn't in our blood. I've realized we're not friends, friends have to like each other. And after what happened tonight, I could never like you." He said, knowing that his words were nothing more than a front, a way to get by because in truth all he'd learned tonight was that it didn't matter what she'd done, his emotions where she was concerned would always be greater than like or dislike. _

_"I could never like you either." Blair cut in with a quick shake of her head. He didn't get to call these shots, not when he was the one who'd put her through everything he had last year; Eva be damned. "In fact I hate you." She spoke with an emphatic step forward even as electricity shot through her veins at his proximity. _

_Taking a step as well, Chuck's eyes became hooded. "I've never hated anyone more." He spat feeling the truth of the statement that there was a thin line between love and hate as much as he ever had before. In this case that line was nonexistent; love and hate were two sides of the same coin. _

_"Every nerve ending in my body is electrified by hatred." She replied, stepping even closer. It felt as though the air were so thick she could barely move yet there was a magnet that was almost dragging her through it; towards Chuck. _

_"There is a fiery pit of hatred burning inside of me," Chuck responded with yet another step towards her. "Ready to explode." He added knowing that what was inside of him closer resembled the other side of the coin from what he was claiming. _

_Blair lifted her eyebrows. "So it's settled then." Unsure what Chuck was about to do, and even less sure what she wanted him to do she didn't move. He was so close to her that she thought he could probably hear her heart racing beneath her chest. Every nerve ending in her body really was electrified to the point that the slightest sound or even breath seemed to cause her pain. _

_"We're settled." He responded immediately, meeting her gaze directly with a dangerous one of his own. Picking up the treaty he ripped it apart in his hands, watching her jump with the sound and movement. He noted the arch in her back, the tension of her neck and the sharp intake of breath that sounded the same way it did right before she came and couldn't do anything but what he was doing. As he threw it on the ground - the contract that stated that they couldn't touch one another - he was almost shocked that she hadn't turned and walked away. _

_Blair exhaled not 100% certain what she was still doing standing in front of him but knowing that not a bone in her body would have moved even if someone had been dragging her. The look in Chuck's gaze should be sending her running from the room, part danger, part anger, and all kinds of predatory. And she knew that in that moment that she was the lamb and he was the wolf and there would be no escape even if she wanted it. _

_Reaching forwards he fell to every one of his baser instincts, locking his arm around her neck. He knew that any other girl probably would have been scared out of their mind when you combined the look in his eyes with the hold he had on her but her gasp wasn't one of fear. Every ounce of tension, passion, and attraction he felt was reflected back at him and he knew that no matter the words coming from her mouth she wanted this as much as he did. And with one quick yank he slammed his mouth against hers. _

_Her mouth was open before she even reached his. She'd known what he was going to do the moment before he did it and for once her entire body seemed to be screaming in agreement as she threw her arms around him and kissed him like she had to do it to breathe. _

_Spinning her around, he couldn't control anything about the way he was touching her. There was a part of him that thought there was no way she'd ever let him lay a hand on her again and now with passion boiling over he could almost black out from the need to have her in every sense of the word. Lifting her he sat Blair on the piano and continued kissing her in a fluid motion, the tiny gasping sounds she was making against him only making him more eager to touch every piece of her. _

_Blair couldn't control herself as she gasped, pulling him ever closer as she hiked a leg around his hip and pulled him to her tightly. For one moment she wasn't thinking, she couldn't have formed a coherent thought if she'd tried. Pushing his suit back over his shoulders far enough to tell him what she wanted she gasped as he tore off his jacket and grasped her thigh, lifting her leg to his hip and tugging her so close that she thought she might melt. She worked at his belt as he practically tore off her garter, knowing her underwear was close behind. _

_Grasping her La Perla's Chuck tugged them down around her thighs, she lifted to allow removal but in the end he was cognizant of the fact that he'd ripped them off before returning his mouth to hers and kissing her with lips so hot they could burn. He wanted to brand himself on her, every bit of her, so that she never forgot what being with him felt like. _

Chuck allowed his tongue to flick across his lips as the memory of that night assaulted him. When he finally spoke his voice was rougher than expected. "Sex was always great with you but I have to admit that I agree."

Both of them froze exchanging an awkward glance at what they'd admitted - knowing once more that they'd started down a very dangerous road. Chuck was a man who'd had a lot of sex, some of it really great and while Blair knew he'd always said that sex with her was the best sex of his life, she could hardly believe that he would still admit to it, especially now.

Running his fingers along the piano photo, he knew he couldn't keep thinking about it, he couldn't continue to remember what that moment had been like between them. _Change the subject Chuck, just change the subject._ Repeated like a mantra in his head, so he pounced on the first thing he could think of tilting his head towards her slightly. "Do you still write?"

"What do you mean?" Blair asked haltingly - that hadn't been what she'd expected him to say.

Chuck smirked to himself. "You know what I'm talking about Blair - those 'journals' of yours that you keep in the red box in the back of your closet."

Blair lifted her eyebrows, she hadn't been aware that Chuck knew about those and before she could ask he gave her a full on smirk.

"I'm Chuck Bass." He said simply.

Laughing Blair returned his smirk. "Do you? Still write, I mean. I don't know where you keep them now but you had quite the collection of journals of your own."

Chuck tipped his head back laughing low in his throat. "Of course you know about those."

"I'm Blair Waldorf." She supplied, her eyes twinkling.

Chuck nodded, his gaze meeting hers intensely. "Yes you are." Exhaling he blinked and looked back at his hands on her scrapbook. "But I wasn't asking so much about the journals as I was about what's in them. Do you still write songs? I haven't even heard you sing in so long."

Biting her lip Blair tilted her head towards his. "How long have you known about that?"

"Since always." Chuck replied, his words sounding as though that was an inevitability. "I never really remember not knowing that you sang. I used to hear you humming to yourself when we were kids. Then that turned into words. Sometimes I knew the words, sometimes I didn't. One day I realized you must be writing some of those words down so I went on a hunt to find where that was."

Blair furrowed her brow. "Wait I remember that. The day I caught you in my closet and you scrambled out saying you were looking for a place to take your next conquest."

Chuck nodded. "Quite the off the cuff explanation."

"We were 9." Blair supplied with a smile.

Shrugging Chuck smiled. "I was always quite the enterprising individual. Always planning for the future."

Blair couldn't hold back her laughter before looking back over at Chuck. "So you've known since then? How often did you look at them?"

At that Chuck actually blushed. For a moment he couldn't meet her eyes. Some of the songs she'd written were so personal. It was how he'd known the things she was feeling inside even when she'd never come close to admitting them. He'd like to think that at least a part of him had always known the Blair that was underneath - even without the songbooks. "As often as I could."

Pressing her lips together Blair thought about going to get the books from her closet but instead she shook her head. "No, I don't write anymore. Not for a couple of years."

"That's a shame." Chuck said his voice soft as he looked back down at the photos. "One of my favorite songs you ever wrote was during that time, actually everything you wrote that fall was really amazing."

Blair tilted her head to the side, sifting through her memories - or at least pretending to - because of course she knew the song he was talking about. There were really only two possibilities - Battlefield or One More Night. But she knew Chuck well enough to know which one he meant. "I used to sing One More Night over and over again in my head before I realized it was a song."

"How does that process usually work?" Chuck asked seriously.

Blair shrugged. "It depends. Sometimes I already know all the words by the time I write it down. Sometimes I know part of something or there's a feeling that I have that belongs in a song and I'll write that and then I'll come back to it when I know more, I might write twenty songs in between but I almost always come back eventually. That's why the book can feel out of order. It's rare but sometimes I'll get stuck on one, and I'll get this weird feeling like I have to finish it and I can't move on from it until I do."

"With Me?" Chuck responded, a question in his eyes. He was pretty sure she'd started it during the first time they'd gotten together but over the next few months every time he checked she was still on the same song. Things would be marked out, scribbled in the margins and it looked as though she'd ripped out at least 6 or so pages completely. But she didn't seem to move past that one song for a long time.

This time it was Blair who blushed. She didn't know why knowing that Chuck knew her so deeply embarrassed her. She wanted him to know everything about her but she felt retroactively embarrassed for her teenaged self that he'd known how fixated she'd been on that moment. "I couldn't get past it. It was about me you know. And it was about that feeling in that moment, like everything was right. And the more I pushed you away, the more I couldn't get through the song. I started it the morning of my 17th Birthday and I finished it the day after you compared me to one of your father's Arabians. That was the day I finally wrote the bridge. _'In front of your eyes it falls from the skies when you don't know what you're looking to find. In front of your eyes it falls from the skies when you just never know what you will find.'"_

Chuck jolted backwards slightly at that memory - even though they'd already been through that today - her recalling the words of the song she'd written about it really fucked with his headspace. He understood the lyrics perfectly. The rest of the song was all about what she needed to keep, what she'd do anything not to let go of but the bridge was different. It was sad and he'd never known that before now. She hadn't known what she couldn't lose until she'd lost it because she hadn't recognized what she was looking for. Shaking his head, Chuck tried to pull himself out of the muck. "So what song did you write about that night?" He asked pointing to a photo taken of them at the Saints and Sinners party.

Blair looked down to see which picture he was looking at and had to hold back another blush. She hadn't written a song that night but she had that day. Thinking back to those lyrics she'd written - she thought she'd called it something stupid and sappy like 'Who You Love'. She was embarrassed now because she didn't want to admit just how close she'd been to slipping right back into their old relationship that night, and how much she'd wished she'd let herself. "I didn't." She said truthfully.

Chuck narrowed his gaze questioningly. He knew Blair well enough to know that she wasn't lying but she wasn't telling the truth either. Instead of pushing her he let her have that secret and shook his head, determination filling his voice when he did speak. "I should have fucking manned up and owned it when I told you I loved you that day."

Blair's head snapped to attention as her eyes widened - she knew that was the day they'd just been talking about but it shocked her that he would say that about that day of all days. "You mean the day of the Saints and Sinners party."

Chuck nodded quickly, looking over at her with a shrewd gaze. "I was scared you still hated me."

"It wouldn't have changed my decision that night." Blair said quietly, her voice could even be construed as kind.

Chuck grinned wryly. "Sure it would have, but thanks for saying so."

Blair smiled, unable to control the sadness that seemed to slip in. Trying to force those thoughts away she started turning the pages quickly - hoping for something happier, forgetting that spring of that year had not been a good time for them. "Then there was that whole Raina thing." She spoke scrunching her nose.

Chuck scoffed. "Like that's any worse than the Dan thing."

Blair visibly shuddered at the thought of Dan's mouth on hers. She loved her friend but what the hell had they ever been thinking. "Oh please don't remind me."

"Aren't you BFFs now?" Chuck asked with a smirk, noting the quickened speed of the conversation as though they were both trying to barrel through an emotional onslaught that had occurred with thoughts of that night on the piano. It was awkward and laced with an unspoken heat.

Blair smiled. "Of course we are, but even then it was like kissing my brother. It's not my fault he fell in love with me." She added with a laugh before shooting Chuck a loaded look. "Not that the kiss itself wasn't useful - it made me realize that he wasn't who I wanted to be kissing."

Chuck found himself forcing a smile as that heat seemed to pulse through him in waves. Her words had an effect on him he didn't like. As he turned the page, he still blamed the piano. "And then came Louis."

Blair swallowed tightly as she looked at a picture from the night Louis had proposed, then back up at Chuck's face to find that he was still staring at the picture intently, when he looked up the words that followed surprised her.

"Everything I ever did was because I was scared of losing you." He spoke, the words spilling from of him. "I only wanted you to be happy - preferably with me - but your happiness was all I cared about." As he spoke he shook his head feeling an almost dark honesty about his words, as he continued to speak he forced back a peal of laughter at the romantically naive notions he'd once held. "They say that's when you know it's real love, right? When all you want is for that person to be happy." Chuck could feel the tension throughout the room as he stared at her surprised eyes.

Blair couldn't look away. His words had sent a vibration through her all the way to her core and now she was completely lost in his gaze. She felt as if the entire room were pulsing and his eyes held something she hadn't seen there in ages; like they were penetrating straight through her. Leaning forwards slightly, she was shocked when he didn't move away from her. She flicked her gaze from his lips to his eyes and back again; her intentions were clear. He didn't move towards her but he hadn't moved away yet. Sliding her hand up his arm until it rested on the side of his face she made no attempts to hide exactly what she was doing. With one last gaze on his lips, she returned her eyes to his and pressed her lips softly on his own.

Chuck had known exactly what Blair had been about to do but at the same time he'd been completely frozen. He'd known that he shouldn't let her - the thought had consciously crossed his mind - but a part of him that he'd thought he'd been rid of long ago wouldn't let him move away. He had been so caught up in the moment, in the memories, that he couldn't seem to do so much as flinch. And then, the moment her lips had grazed his he'd felt a jolt throughout his entire body.

Picking up his hand he placed it against her face, not sure whether it was as leverage to pull away or for use to pull her closer. For a long moment he didn't move anything, not even his lips. As hers parted and she began to pull back only a fraction of a centimeter the hand at her neck found what it was there for and pulled her lips back to his. As he reciprocated the kiss he found his hand fisting in her hair, the other coming to join it as he faced her and pulled her closer.

Blair gasped against him as she felt the shift that caused the scrapbook to tumble off their twisted laps and onto the floor. Breaking away in shock she stared at him with wide eyes because the hell if that hadn't been the last reaction she'd expected.

Chuck's hands jerked back from her as though scalded, though he stared at her for a long moment unable to look away. So many thoughts were rushing through his mind that his breath was catching in his throat. His entire body, every inch of skin, every tiny nerve, was awake and in pain - a pain so strong he thought he might blackout completely.

"Breathe." Blair spoke softly, moving further away to give him the space she could see that he needed. Every bone in her body wanted to be touching him, wanted to press her lips back against his, wanted to push him on what had just happened until he shattered but she knew that that wouldn't help her today. With that she might win the battle but she'd never win him. And she didn't want him for one rough nostalgic fuck that he'd resent her for later, she wanted him for forever.

Inhaling sharply, Chuck looked away, her words had broken the spell of the moment. Though his mind was no clearer than it had been he no longer had to force himself from pouncing on her and taking her on the same comforter she'd had since high school. Bending down to pick up the scrapbook, he froze when he saw what page it was on; hating the rush of emotions he felt at what he looked at. "That's him, isn't it." He spoke, barely in control of his voice, close enough to losing control that Blair would be able to tell, even if she were the only one who could. He had seen Austin before but never so close up.

Blair could hear his voice change to a tone of utmost nonchalance and she could see the carefully controlled expression on his face, that to any outsider would have looked almost bored; but she could also see the slight crinkles at the corners of his eyes, the almost imperceptible flaring at his nostrils, and most telling of all the tightness of the muscles at his mouth. And without looking she knew what he was seeing - pictures of Austin. "Yes - that's Austin."

Hearing her say the other boy, well other man's, name dredged up a lot of emotion he'd rather not consider. "You look happy Blair." He spoke still looking at the photos. "You love him. I can see it in your eyes."

Blair turned to face him, sitting with one leg tucked, the other dangling. "Not the way that I love you." She spoke, her voice controlled. "I tried to pretend like it was the same." She tilted her head slightly as she thought about what she had done. "No, I tried to pretend that it was better. That no matter what I thought I wanted, the kind of love that Austin gave me was what I needed. I pretended that it was the kind of love that would make me happy."

Chuck shook his head, finally looking at her. "You look happy to me."

Blair exhaled. "I was...complacent." With a nod she continued. "I would never claim that I didn't love Austin; but the way that I love Austin is like a quiet walk in the park. It was easy, it was fun, it was everything I'd grown up thinking that I wanted. But it was never close to what I had with you."

This time it was Chuck who exhaled. "We had our chance, Blair. Don't throw away happiness just because you're curious about the what if's in your life; if you do then don't come here expecting me to do the same."

Blair felt a dubious laughter bubble up from beneath her calm exterior. "You weren't the only one here for that kiss. I might have kissed you first but that was not one sided. I know you felt what I felt." She knew her temper was beginning to run away from her but when he acted so damn nonchalant she couldn't not get riled because now that she knew there was something more than apathy there she couldn't walk away.

"Nostalgia at it's finest." Chuck replied quickly, cutting her off.

Blair shook her head quickly, reaching out a hand as though to touch his arm. "Chuck..."

Chuck reached out and placed a hand on her forearm, stopping her from touching him once more. "Please don't do this." Chuck bent down and picked up the book. He had planned to hand it to her then leave but as he was flipping it closed something slipped out. "What's this?" He asked, lifting the piece of paper and holding it up.

Blair's brow furrowed as she took the note from him.

"B, Growing apart doesn't change the fact that for years you grew together, your roots will always be tangled." Blair read before smiling slightly to herself. "So that's why the book was on the top of the box. I had wondered." She spoke mostly to herself.

"What?" Chuck asked confusion overriding his single-minded desire to get out of there.

Blair looked over at Chuck and gave a small smile. "Serena. She moved out. She and Nate are moving in together." She spoke bluntly before looking down at the book. "This was on top of a box of my things she said she found while she was moving. I think she wanted me to find this so that I would remember. She'd realized that I'd started to forget."

Tilting his head, Chuck tried to puzzle her out. It was strange that it was sometimes so hard for him to read her now. "Remember what?"

Blair turned back a page to the last one of the scrapbook. "What I lost the last time that I let you go."

_**Now that you can't have me  
><strong>__**You suddenly want me**_

Chuck felt the burn at the back of his throat as he looked over at Blair. He didn't know how they'd gotten where they were right now. He'd been done before she'd come back, he'd finally been done. And her coming back hadn't changed anything - seeing her didn't fill him with an intense rush of passion or happiness - if anything he'd been a little angry, but honestly he hadn't felt much of anything at all.

Since then, nothing had changed with Gwen and all Blair had done was annoy him or piss him off. And yet sitting here right now he wasn't sure that he could deny that she was different, he couldn't say that Dan had been wrong, and he felt...something; which was a lot more than how he'd felt when she'd shown up again. His stare was still unwavering as his eyes searched hers, trying to see not what she was thinking, but to try to see himself reflected back.

_**Now that I'm with somebody else  
><strong>__**You tell me you love me**_

Blair didn't break Chuck's gaze as he stared at her. She didn't know what he was doing, what he was looking for; but if it was something that was in her power to give him she would do it.

Chuck inhaled sharply realizing that he must have been holding his breath. The quick inhale combined with Blair's proximity caused the scent of Chanel Allure to flood his senses. Looking at her for an almost desperate moment Chuck jerked his head away running his hands quickly through his hair until they laced at the back of his neck. "Why now?" Chuck spoke, his words barely escaping his throat. "Why, when I'm finally, finally happy?"

_**Now that I finally moved on  
><strong>__**You say that you've missed me all along**_

Blair knew this wasn't rhetorical - he actually wanted an answer from her - and more than that, she knew he deserved one. Standing she walked until she stood in front of him before dropping softly to her knees. "I thought that I could forget you."

Chuck looked up quickly, meeting her gaze with a look of surprise. He'd been so stuck in his own head that he hadn't noticed her move in front of him and the change of direction in her voice had startled him.

Placing her hands on his knees Blair shook her head. "I thought that I could be happy with a love that didn't hurt, that didn't consume, that didn't tear me to shreds. And I think that for a while I was. It was safe and it was easy and my heart...my heart was protected from all of it. But my heart was only safe because it had no chance of being broken."

_**Who do you think you are?  
><strong>__**Who do you think I am**_?

Chuck watched her with wary eyes. He could feel the honesty of her words. At very least she believed what she was saying. Either that or she'd gotten better at lying to him; but after the Hamptons he could never be sure, he would never be sure of her again. "That didn't answer my question Blair...why now? After all of these years, why did you come back, guns loaded, ready to seduce if that's what it took or claw your way back in if that was more effective? Why did you wait until I had moved on? Until I was happy with someone else?"

Blair felt her heart skid for a moment as she blinked. His words caused her to roll back on her heels as she attempted to digest his meaning. He was at least in part insinuating that she'd purposefully waited until he had his life together to come tear it back to shreds. She wasn't sure why that surprised her after everything that she'd done to him, but it did. At the same time, she realized that the fact that he was asking this question meant that if it weren't for Gwen, if he weren't happy then things could have been different and that was far and away the largest confirmation he'd given her that somewhere inside of him he still cared.

_**You only loved to see me breaking  
><strong>__**You only want me cause I'm taken**_

Chuck lifted his eyebrows at Blair's almost volatile reaction. Instantly, his mind began racing through the most likely scenarios. It was clear that he'd hit on a weak point for her, something in his words had triggered expressions on her face ranging from anguished to confused all the way to something strikingly similar to hope. "How do I know that you didn't come back just to try to ruin me all over again? You've roped me in just to get revenge before - that could be what you're trying to do now. Maybe you just want to watch me break and crumble for you all over again. Not to mention, you've always wanted most the thing you were told you couldn't have."

Blair's eyes snapped to his, noticing the almost crazed look that was reflected back at her. He was losing it - what 'it' was she wasn't quite sure but he was getting close to a panic. "You can't really think that. I didn't even know you were with Gwen." She spoke emphatically rocking to her feet.

_**You don't really want my heart  
><strong>__**No, you just like to know you can**_

Chuck shrugged as he shook his head. "You knew about her when you came to see me, right after you got back." He could hear the shaky tone in his voice but he couldn't seem to iron it out. His mind was puzzling through a million different thoughts and emotions so quickly that he couldn't make sense of anything. It was on overload.

"Because I'd been to see Serena already!" Blair exclaimed. She was having difficulty processing the reality that he thought she was that vindictive. Realizing that getting angry would get her nowhere she exhaled and paused before him. After a long moment she walked and sat back down on the vanity where she'd first been sitting. "Chuck." She spoke quietly, waiting on him to give her his attention.

_**You'll be the one who gets it breaking  
><strong>__**You only want me when I'm taken**_

Looking over at where she was now sitting Chuck felt everything in him slow down. She'd backed away, she wasn't pushing him. God damn it that just made things more confusing.

When she knew he was listening she sighed. "Do you remember what I was like when I first got here? I was a cocky little bitch who thought that I could give you a lap dance, expose my neck, and say I was sorry and then you'd be mine again. I didn't know things were serious with Gwen. God I thought that you'd never love another woman - I honestly didn't think you could."

As Chuck replied he knew his voice was unusually low. "If that's not it, then what was it? Why'd you wait?"

_**You're messing with my head  
><strong>__**Girl, that's what you do best**_

She was a breath away from telling him about the wedding but when she opened her mouth to try she choked on her words. Something about that day caused a deep seeded humiliation within her. There was so much she could have done differently; but there was nothing she could change about it now and that made it irrelevant. "Because I didn't want to love you anymore. I didn't want the pain or the hurt; but I didn't realize for a long time that without the chance to get destroyed, I'd never have the chance to be completely happy. True elation only comes with the chance of misery because what if you lose the thing that gives your life meaning? What then?"

Blair looked at Chuck for a long moment before narrowing her eyes ever so slightly, she could see that he was thinking, that he was trying to understand her. "I'm going to keep talking because I think you're finally starting to get it. I knew that the loss was worth the risk long before I admitted it to myself but it was like I couldn't force myself to admit that what I had with Austin was never going to be enough. Yet the closer I got to the wedding date the worse things got. I was stressed out to the point of being physically ill, I knew I was turning into a psycho bitch, and I was crying myself to sleep almost every night."

_**Saying there's nothing you won't do  
><strong>__**To get me to say yes**_

Blair inhaled, feeling the raggedness of her breath. She was laying out one of her most humiliating and vulnerable moments for him and there was a chance he would turn away. "But it wasn't until Dan sent me that stupid book that he was writing that I realized that I was the only one who didn't see that I was being a complete idiot. And a few days later I was sitting there, staring at my wedding guest list, writing, crossing out, and re-writing your name for hours and then Austin said something and it was like everything suddenly shattered. I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't pretend that everything was okay, that it would ever be okay. I left for New York on the redeye that night."

Chuck inhaled deeply as he thought over her words; his breathing was shaky when he finally exhaled. "Everyone gets cold feet Blair."

_**You're impossible to resist  
><strong>__**But I wouldn't bet your heart on it**_

The words she wanted to say wouldn't leave her mouth - that was something they hadn't broached yet and now didn't feel like the time. Swallowing Blair instead forced herself to admit something that put her at her most vulnerable. "It wasn't just the stress that was making me sick Chuck, I was starting to make myself sick. I was spiraling. That's not just a bad case of cold feet."

Chuck felt the sting in his eyes that he knew meant his emotions were clawing their way to the surface. He wanted to walk over and pull her into his arms, he wanted to hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay, but he couldn't do that. He hadn't been the one to break her, she'd broken herself.

_**It's like I'm finally awake  
><strong>__**And you're just a beautiful mistake**_

Blair could see the battle of emotions going on within Chuck and knew on some level that he wasn't going to say what she wanted him to when she continued but she couldn't stop herself. "I've been engaged three times - four if you count my somewhat arranged marriage to Nathaniel - and only one time has the ring on my finger felt like something other than a noose around my neck."

"You're the one that always ties the rope Blair." Chuck spoke shaking his head before looking at her long and hard. "And honestly, I think you need that rope to tie you there; otherwise you cut and run."

_**Who do you think you are**_?  
><em><strong>Who do you think I am?<strong>_

A small gasp slipped past Blair's lips as her eyes connected with his. She wanted to deny what he'd just said but she wasn't sure that she could. He wasn't wrong. That metaphorical noose, threaded with the obligation she felt to who she was supposed to be and what she was supposed to want is what had always kept her steady in the past but what it had never done was make her truly happy.

Upon that realization she felt her lips shift into the smallest of smiles. "I cut and run because I've always been scared of being anything other than what I assumed I would be. I've always been scared not to have that rope there to catch me when I fall, even if it chokes me in the process."

_**You only loved to see me breaking  
><strong>__**You only want me cause I'm taken**_

Chuck lifted his eyebrows in surprise. He had thought for sure that she'd either deny his last statement or burst into tears, the last thing he thought was that she'd admit to it and send it back around on him. "So what are you saying? That you're not scared anymore?" He spoke voice sparked with disbelief.

Blair shook her head, a trace of a smile still on her lips. "Like hell I'm not. Christ Chuck I'm more scared now than I've ever been in my life because I finally, finally, realized that the only thing that I can't live without - is you."

_**You don't really want my heart  
><strong>__**No, you just like to know you can**_

Chuck felt it as his entire body clenched, his heart included; but he didn't want to think about it, he didn't want to feel any of this, he couldn't feel sorry for her or let her drag him back in. His spine straightened suddenly as his entire being filled with resolve. He was shutting this down. "I don't believe you."

She'd seen it in his eyes before he'd said a word; but that didn't stop the tone of his voice from sending chills down her spine. He'd flipped that switch of his again. The wall was back up but that didn't matter because she'd seen through his shield, if only for a few minutes. She knew there was still something there. "You will." She spoke with the smallest of smiles.

_**You'll be the one who gets it breaking  
><strong>__**You only want me when I'm taken**_

Chuck exhaled, feeling a new rush of anger that he relished. It was easier than everything else. "You make that sound like a threat."

"It's not." Blair said quickly as she shook her head, she could see the look in his eyes, this wasn't going to end well and it was too late to steer it in any other direction now.

Smirking Chuck snapped his head towards her. "Maybe it should be."

_**Thank you for showing me  
><strong>__**Who you are underneath**_

Blair shook her head, trying to cut in. "Chuck..."

But Chuck wasn't about to let her commandeer this conversation, not when he was finally hitting a groove. "No. No, I don't want to hear it anymore. You can't just come in here brandishing your "I'm sorrys" like a fucking sword and your doe eyes as a shield. That's not working, not this time. You've shown me who you really are underneath all of that and honestly a warning label would have been appreciated. I'm just glad I realized who you really are before you ruined me for good."

Blair felt the tears sting her eyes and stood about to walk from the room; she wouldn't let him see her break, she had to stay strong or he'd think she was manipulating him. But before she took two steps she realized that this was her room, she had nowhere to go.

_**Thank you, I don't need  
><strong>__**Another heartless misery**_

Chuck reached out and grasped Blair's forearm, just hard enough to get her attention and turn her to face him. Bringing himself to his feet he shook his head. "No, you're not walking away this time. This time you're going to hear me say this and you're going to understand it."

Drawing closer to her, Chuck channeled whatever crazy store of anger he'd found and directed it straight at her. "I don't know what you expect me to do and god damn it I don't care. I still think you're manipulating me, I still think this is all a game to you, to see if you can get me back one last time; but I'm not falling for it again."

_**You think I'm doing this to make you jealous  
><strong>__**And I know that you hate to hear this  
><strong>__**But this is not about you anymore**_

Blair gasped at the fury she saw in his eyes, she knew he was building to something but this wasn't what she was expecting. It would have scared her if she hadn't seen right through the fiery façade to what was beneath. Chuck was off his game, his anger couldn't have been more hallow in that moment; but for today she'd let him have it.

"I'm not going to let you ruin what I have with Gwen. You've messed with my head long enough and my heart for longer than that." Chuck continued, feeling the forced anger roll from his body. "I get it now. You need my love as validation - you said it yourself earlier. You just like to know that you'll always have my heart to break."

_**Who do you think you are?  
><strong>__**Who do you think I am?**_

She flinched slightly at his words, even as his close proximity had her heartbeat quickening. In that moment she couldn't be certain if he was going to kiss her or storm from the room. Either was a strong possibility.

Inhaling with self-gratification that he'd caused a crack in her shiny exterior with his last comment Chuck took a violent step backwards. "I'm done. I'm not yours to break anymore." Taking another step back Chuck shook his head and spoke again, his voice losing much of its fire. "I'm done. You can't do this again. It's not fair to either of us."

_**You only loved to see me breaking  
><strong>__**You only want me cause I'm taken**_

"I love you." Blair repeated again. "I'm always going to love you; only you. You're my home Chuck, I just want to come home."

"I can't even tell you how many nights I sat by the phone praying you'd call and say those words and now I can't remember why I ever wanted to hear them." Chuck replied shaking his head.

Blair swallowed at the look she saw now in his eyes. She'd known the anger was manufactured but in the end she'd seen the smallest flicker of fear instead.

_**Now that you can't have me  
><strong>__**You suddenly want me**_

Chuck turned from her quickly and walked towards her door with a purpose in his step. With his hand on the doorknob he turned his head, not far enough that he faced her, just far enough that he could see her in his periphery. "It was a Wednesday. The day I realized you weren't coming back. It was a Wednesday."

Before she could say anything, or figure out if there even was anything to say, Chuck had turned and marched from the room so quickly and quietly that she would have missed it if she'd blinked.

Chuck exhaled as he slid into the limo. That had not gone as expected, not in the least. Blair had fought him on unexpected points and let him go on at times when he would have thought she'd argue. That accompanied by the strange walk down memory lane and that damn kiss - it was no wonder his stomach was in knots. But none of that meant anything.

Dan hadn't been all wrong, he didn't hate Blair anymore. This person she was now, was likeable. But he'd been wrong about the fact that there was still something there, all that was left with Blair were his memories. Which is exactly what all that was...a memory. And he'd keep telling himself that as long as it took him to convince himself.

It was as he was riding back to his apartment that he realized he'd completely forgotten to ask Blair about Mr. Davidson. Normally it was something he'd brush aside but the fact that Blair lied about it was setting off alarms and then there was something about the name that seemed familiar, something that he couldn't quite ignore. "Mr. Davidson." He muttered quietly to himself, finding that the identity seemed to be stuck on the tip of his tongue - whoever he was, Chuck knew that it would bug him until he figured it out.

* * *

><p><strong>Hope you guys enjoyed this one.<strong>

**Reviews are always appreciated. **

**xoxo**

**kate**


	16. Fight For It

I know I totally suck right now – my best friend got married this past weekend so I've been in wedding craziness back home for weeks. Not to mention works been nuts. Anyway enough about me! Here's the next update.

Also – as I mentioned in the last chapter a/n – for a bit Chapters 6 and 7 were accidentally the same – if this was the case when you read the fic 6 has now been updated to the correct text!

To my lovely reviewers: **lovetvtoomuchxo,** **BlairAndChuckGG, ChuckBlair08lover, Eva-90, Moonflower26, Chuckedlikeabass, Izzie, CarolinaGirlGG, Michii, Carolinagirl21, LovelyLydia, Ellie, May, and my guest reviewers - **y'all are awesome as always. I think I replied to most of you – if I missed any of them it's because I'm working on the assumption that you'd rather have a new chapter than a reply from me. Though if it was a pressing review/question/concern ping me again

To my beta: kosoul7 – you rock! Seriously what would I do without you?

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Especially not the lyrics to Want U Back by Cher Loyd or Love Don't Die by The Fray (which are both used below).

* * *

><p>Chapter 15: Fight For It<p>

_He couldn't seem to break her gaze, it was so intense, so warm, and so...cautious. Maybe he shouldn't have said what he had, it was a bad idea to even suggest that he might still care but something had forced him to be honest. He saw her moving closer and knew he should move away but he felt frozen in stone. _

_Now her eyes were flickering from his lips to his eyes and back again. She was touching him, she had a hand on his arm, now on his face. She was going to kiss him and he wasn't moving. He should be moving. _

_Her lips were so soft, the kiss so chaste. But the moment they had touched his own he had felt a jolt through his entire body, it was electric and weighted with so much emotional heft and physical connection, it felt akin to slamming into a cement wall. He moved his hand to her neck for no apparent reason, maybe to push her away, maybe to pull her closer. _

_For a long moment he didn't move anything, not even his lips, he wasn't sure that he could have. But as hers parted and she began to pull back only a fraction of a centimeter the hand at her neck found what it was there for and pulled her lips back to his. As he reciprocated the kiss he found his hand fisting in her hair, the other coming to join it as he faced her and pulled her closer. He could feel his body electrifying in ways it shouldn't as he tasted her, as her body molded against his, something inside of him felt as though it were shattering or maybe as though it were __coming together. _

"That was a good movie." Gwen said with a smile as she turned her head and placed a kiss on the side of his mouth.

Chuck looked down at her then quickly away, guilt coursing through him over the fact that he couldn't remember a single scene from the movie - hell he wasn't even sure what they'd been watching. That one of the main characters had chocolate curls and red lips and from the moment she'd walked on he could think of nothing but Blair's lips, nothing but that kiss. "Yeah definitely."

Gwen lifted her eyebrows and smirked, immediately suspicious. That was not Chuck's type of movie at all, in fact she'd been surprised as hell that he hadn't wanted to change it fifteen minutes in. "Really? What was your favorite part?"

Chuck felt a blush rise to his cheeks knowing he'd been caught. The only plotline he'd remembered at all was something depressing about rehab and a bird, then there'd been a lot of country singing. Gwen would never believe him if he tried to lie. Sighing he shook his head. "Sorry I'm just preoccupied."

Gwen furrowed her brow in concern. "Everything with work going okay?"

Chuck nodded feeling even more guilty at the sweetness in her expression. Gwen was rarely someone to be considered sweet but the concern in her gaze warranted no other word. Nate and Dan were both right, Gwen deserved more than the half baked version of himself; he was bound to start giving away more and more of if he didn't figure his shit out soon. He had stopped it though, he had stopped what was going on with Blair and walked out. He'd made his decision that day and the next and he'd make it every day after that. One stupid kiss was completely insignificant and it was time to put it behind them. "Work's fine. There's just a lot going on right now."

Gwen nodded, she knew Chuck was busy but the look in his eyes told her it was something else. Whatever was going on he didn't seem to want to open up about it so she wasn't going to press it tonight. "I can't stay much longer tonight, I have an early morning tomorrow."

He shouldn't even waste a moment thinking about Blair when he had Gwen - she was the most amazing woman in the world, not even Blair could compare to everything Gwen had accomplished and been through. And he loved her. He loved her like nothing he'd ever felt before and it was time to start proving that to everyone. "Stay" He spoke, letting his voice drop lower as he nuzzled her neck.

"Chuck..." Gwen started as his hand drifted up her thigh, under her skirt, and into her panties. This was an unexpected turn, perhaps this is what he'd been so preoccupied with during the movie. "I shouldn't."

"But you want to." He spoke against her neck as he kissed up her jawline. This was right. This is where he was supposed to be and who he was supposed to be with.

Sighing Gwen relaxed into him, knowing she was going to give in only moments before she did. "Well, if I'm staying I'll need to go to bed immediately so that I can get up extra early to get to the office."

Smirking Chuck slipped his hands under her and lifted her into his arms, standing as he did. "I have no arguments there."

Laughing Gwen tossed her arms around his neck and looked up at his eyes now bright with mischief. "I love you." She spoke, almost unintentionally.

Chuck smiled back down at her, feeling the truth of her words wash through him. It was so curious to him how she threw those words around, to her hairdresser, to her personal assistant, he'd even heard her say to sales clerk and yet every time she said it to him it sounded completely different. In that moment he was struck by just how he was going to prove how right this was. "What are you doing tomorrow night?"

Gwen tilted her head and smiled curiously. "Well I have a board meeting to talk about that unfortunate incidence with the dancer at Fleur de Lis in Paris but it should be over around 6 or so."

"Have dinner with me tomorrow night at 8?" Chuck asked reaching his bedroom and laying her down on the bed gently, drawing his body over hers as he did.

Gwen's smile brightened from the confused one that had been in its place moments before. Laying back she tugged his tie, bringing him back with her. "I can do 8." She spoke before kissing him. "Should I just meet you at the restaurant?"

Chuck shook his head as he gazed into her honey brown eyes, his elbow propping him up over her. "I'll pick you up at your apartment." Stroking a piece of blonde hair that had already fallen out of its place in her bun, he froze for a moment staring at its color, after this there would be no going back. Reaching behind her he loosened the bun and let her blond locks spread across the pillow, overwhelming his vision.

Gwen wasn't sure what Chuck was doing but she could see the almost confused intensity in his eyes and wasn't about to break away. There was a determination there that almost scared her, she had the strangest feeling that their relationship was at a turning point and she had zero control over which direction it went.

Running his fingers through her blonde hair and focusing on the delicate features of her face, Chuck stared into her eyes. "I love you." He spoke, voice filled with sincerity. "More than I ever thought I could love anyone."_ Again_. He thought to himself, cursing himself even as he did it. He shook it off as he placed a light kiss on her lips. He'd left, he'd always leave.

Immediately tears sprung to her eyes at his earnestness. Tilting her head up she captured his lips with hers and pulled him into her. She wasn't sure she'd ever feel this safe or this loved with anyone. She didn't know that she could be this happy.

* * *

><p>"Blair, are you in here?" Serena called as she walked down the hallway of Blair's apartment. It was weird being back in the apartment - it had only been about a week since she and Nate had moved in together but it felt like she'd been gone longer than that. There was a part of her that felt like she was abandoning Blair in her time of need. She knew very well how lonely this apartment could be; but part of her knew that Blair was in a place right now where she might just need her space.<p>

"In the bathroom" Blair called as she ran the straightener over another set of her usually curly locks. She and Serena were going out tonight and she was going to have a good time. She needed a break from all of this, so in typical Blair Waldorf fashion she was going all out.

Stepping around the corner she spotted Blair and almost tripped she was so startled. "Oh my God!" Serena exclaimed as her eyes went up and down her best friend's body.

"You like?" Blair said with a small smirk as she put down the straightener and gave a little spin, showing off her dress, her tanned legs, and a pair of towering stilettos.

Eyes wide, Serena felt her mouth slip open. "Who are you and what have you done with Blair Waldorf?" She had to blink a few times to make sure she wasn't imagining things, but sure enough Blair was standing before her in a tiny black dress with tasteful cutouts, thick straightened locks, and a pair of strappy stilettos that looked like they'd been jacked from Serena's closet.

Laughing, Blair went back to straightening her hair. "Well for one, this is a Balenciaga I picked up at Barneys a few days ago. The shoes I borrowed from a box of things you hadn't picked up yet. Hope you don't mind."

"Of course." Serena spoke still awestruck. "I've never seen you dress like this."

"Sure you have." Blair spoke with a laugh. "It's not like I was a nun in high school."

Serena nodded dumbly, knowing that Blair was right but it had been so long since she'd seen Blair go anywhere close to all out. "I know, it's just this is a whole new level from what I was expecting."

Smiling Blair nodded. "Trust me, I know. I might have picked up a few tricks from being in a sorority. And tonight I'm determined to let loose and have some fun." She added with a bright smile. Serena had never been able to see through her façade growing up and while Serena was more grounded now, Blair was better than ever at hiding what she was really feeling. "I need to forget everything for a night."

Serena sat down on Blair's bed, leaning against the footboard as Blair put down the straightener and moved to the vanity. "Chuck's still avoiding you I take it." Serena stated knowingly.

Blair sighed, she hadn't actually told Serena what had happened last week with the scrapbook and the kiss or the argument that had followed. But that didn't mean that it hadn't been occupying her thoughts. And from the way Chuck had been behaving she could tell it had been occupying his as well. "Actually it's been the opposite. He's been everywhere."

Serena sat up straighter and lifted her eyebrows. "Since when?"

Blair met Serena's gaze in the mirror and spoke nonchalantly. "Since he stopped by the other day."

"And..." Serena said leadingly, tucking her legs together under her and turning to face Blair.

"And we talked." She started before letting out the air she was holding in and turning her head over her shoulder. "For a few hours."

Serena felt a small smirk starting to rise to her face as she shook her head. It was starting to look like Blair was right about Chuck still having feelings for her. He'd avoided her for weeks then dropped in and had a conversation that lasted multiple hours, that wasn't what she thought of as being over someone. She almost said as much but she saw a lingering something behind Blair's gaze. "What aren't you telling me?"

Blair wanted to laugh, somehow she'd let her guard down just enough that Serena could see she still holding something back. "He admitted that even though me coming back made his life harder, his world isn't the same without me in it."

Serena shook her head, she knew Blair still wasn't giving her everything - contrary to what Blair happened to think, when Serena wasn't caught up in problems of her own she was pretty good at figuring out when Blair was hiding something. So she echoed her earlier prompting. "And..."

Turning all the way around on the vanity Blair met Serena's gaze head on. "In a particularly intimate moment, when Chuck was being more honest with me than he may have ever been I kissed him."

"BLAIR!" Serena shouted twisting her feet until she was sitting on the very edge of the bed feet on the floor.

"No." Blair cut her off. "You don't get to get all high and mighty on me with this one. I know he has a girlfriend. My kiss was practically innocent; light, closed lipped, brief. Chuck is the one who grasped my face and pulled me back into him, he's the one who practically drug me into his lap, and then he's the one who ended it."

Sighing Serena shook her head - she honestly thought that Chuck had gotten over Blair, she definitely never thought that it would come to this. "I don't get it. Why would he put himself around at every opportunity if he was even possibly tempted by you when he's worked so hard to keep you away. Besides how was this not the first thing out of your mouth when I asked what had changed?"

Responding quickly Blair flipped around and went back to finishing her makeup. "Because I'm not sure that's what did. We had this fight afterwards, at least I think it was a fight. He was so quietly angry and we were both so intensely emotional. And I think that might be what changed things. I think he's trying to prove to himself and maybe to everyone else how over me he really is."

Serena furrowed her brow. "But if that's the case, wouldn't he just propose to Gwen?"

At that Blair smirked a bit at her reflection. "That he hasn't yet is what has kept me sane the past few days. There's a part of me that just knows that as desperate as he is to prove himself, he would have already done it if he'd let go of us."

Serena was about to cut in but Blair shook her head and frowned. "Then there's this other part of me that thinks the opposite. That thinks that he's refusing to propose to her simply because he doesn't want to anyone to misconstrue that he's doing it for anything other than the right reason. Which would mean that he really is over me."

Exhaling Serena realized she was about to verbally take a side in all of this, something she wasn't sure was the right move. But the look in Blair's eyes was scaring her a little bit. "Blair, think about Chuck, don't try to rationalize it just ask yourself what Chuck would do if he were over you."

Blair's brow furrowed in thought as she turned Serena's words over in her head. "If Chuck were over me he wouldn't give a damn what anyone thought, he would do what he wanted to hell with everyone else. If he were over me he would have already proposed."

"Exactly." Serena replied reassuringly. "I'm still not saying this is a fight you're going to win, but I am agreeing with you that Chuck's not over you, not even close."

Blair took a shaky inhale, dipping her head and letting it shake before looking back up, trying to hide the vulnerability she knew would be in her voice when she spoke. "I don't know what I'm going to do if I fail. I can't conceive a life where I know I've lost him. Not now when I know for certain that I'll never be happy with someone else."

"Okay." Serena spoke standing up. "Enough mopping, I'm turning on some music." Walking over to Blair's bedside table she hooked in her iPhone to Blair's speakers and pressed shuffle on her party playlist. "Tonight we're going out and we're going to have fun. Chuck be damned."

Blair laughed as she looked over at Serena, the blonde did always find a way to cheer her up eventually. And tonight she knew she was going to need it.

Serena smiled at the song that had come up. "Oh perfect song." Before spinning around as the music started.

_**Ungh**_

_**Mm Yeah **_

_**La**__**La**__**la**__**la**__**la**__**ha**__**ha**_

_**Ungh**_

Blair furrowed her brow as the song started, the smile slipping off her face. She didn't listen to the radio much but this song sounded so familiar. And it was seriously causing her to feel uncomfortable.

_**Hey, boy you never had much game **_**  
><strong>_**Thought I needed to upgrade **_**  
><strong>_**So I went and walked away way**__**way **_**  
><strong>_**Ungh! **_

"Dance with me Blair." Serena said still spinning around Blair's bedroom as she rocked out to the Cher Lloyd song. "Seriously this should be your anthem right now."

**Now, I see you've been hanging out ****  
><strong>**With that other girl in town ****  
><strong>**Looking like a pair of clowns clowns clowns ****  
><strong>**Ungh! **

"No." Blair whispered to herself as she recognized the song. This shouldn't be her anthem, this is what Chuck thought about her, this is what everyone thought. That she'd come back because he was with someone else. That she wanted him because he was with someone else.

_**Remember all the things that you and I did first? **_**  
><strong>_**And now you're doing them with her **_**  
><strong>_**Remember all the things that you and I did first? **_**  
><strong>_**You got me, got me like this: Ungh! **_

She didn't just want him because she couldn't have him. That wasn't true. She didn't just want him because he'd found a way to be happy without her. That wasn't true either - actually it was the furthest thing from the truth she could imagine. It was because he was so happy that she almost walked away - that she almost thought she should leave him alone.

_**And now you're taking her to every restaurant **_**  
><strong>_**And everywhere we went, come on! **_**  
><strong>_**And now you're taking her to every restaurant **_**  
><strong>_**You got me, got me like this:**__**Ungh! **_

"Blair, I said dance with me." Serena said impetuously as she stopped in front of her friend and extended a hand. Blair wasn't even looking at her. "Blair. Earth to Blair."

Blair knew Serena was talking to her but she was so busy trying to block out the song, trying to think of a way to convince Chuck that this wasn't why she was back that she didn't even turn her head. She knew Chuck wasn't the only one who thought this, especially if Serena thought this should be her "anthem." But Chuck's opinion was the only one she really cared about.

_**Boy you can say anything you wanna **_**  
><strong>_**I don't give a shh, no one else can have ya **_**  
><strong>_**I want u back, I want you back **_**  
><strong>_**Wa-want you, want you back **_**  
><strong>_**Ungh! **_

"BLAIR!" Serena finally shouted to get her friend's attention; but as Blair's head snapped to hers, she jumped at the look in Blair's eyes. It had been a long time since she'd seen a look so seemingly devastated yet utterly determined and stunningly dangerous on Blair's face.

"Turn it off." Blair spoke, her voice sounding raw to her ears. When Serena didn't move, just stood there Blair spoke again. "I said turn it off!"

_**I broke it off thinking you'd be cryin' **_**  
><strong>_**Now I feel like shh looking at you flyin' **_**  
><strong>_**I want u back, I want you back **_**  
><strong>_**Wa-want you, want you back **_**  
><strong>_**Ungh! **_

Serena flinched at the ire in Blair's voice but she couldn't help but question what had just happened. Blair's mood today had swung to both sides of the pendulum and she was starting to get seriously worried. "Why Blair? I thought of all songs this would be one you would appreciate."

"Of course you'd think that." Blair spat as she stood. "I'll turn the damn thing off myself."

_**Please, this ain't even jealousy **_**  
><strong>_**She ain't got a thing on me **_**  
><strong>_**Tryin' to rock them ug-a-ly je-**_

Instead of turning it off Blair jerked the iphone out of the dock and flung it onto her bed. "I am sick and tired of people thinking I came back here to ruin Chuck's life. That I came back here because he was happy without me. Nate thinks it, Chuck thinks it, you clearly think it, and to some extent even Dan believes it even if he would never admit that to me. Hell you all believe it so much that I'm even starting to question it myself."

Serena swallowed, she could feel the emotions coming off Blair like warning signs. She'd been holding this back. But something about this song had completely set her off. Chuck must have said something during their argument. He must have accused her of only wanting him because she'd seen him happy with someone else. Serena remembered the lyrics of the song and instantly felt awful. "I am so sorry Blair, I really didn't realize."

Deflating Blair exhaled. "I shouldn't have gone off on you like that. I'm just on edge because of some things Chuck said. I didn't come back because I was jealous. If I really believed that he'd be happy without me I'd walk away. I swear to God I would but I can't believe that. I can't."

Serena nodded. "I'm really starting to believe you." Exhaling Serena looked down at the floor before looking back at Blair. Blair was being so honest with her that she knew she had to do the same.

"I didn't want to believe that you two were supposed to be together." Serena spoke quickly afraid that she wouldn't say it at all if she didn't say it right now.

"Especially after what I did, after what I said back then, I think I was the least supportive best friend I could possibly be. So I've been fighting hard to think that he belongs with her, that you weren't meant to be because I felt guilty. But the way you talk about him, I know that at very least for you he's who you're always going to want. And I'm sorry."

Blair inhaled slowly, unsure of what to say. There were a variety of ways that she could respond but none of them could change anything so instead she did something she had avoided doing recently and told a little white lie. "Thanks for your support. But honestly I've got no clue what you're talking about - you don't have anything to feel guilty for. I freaked out because things were too serious with Chuck when we were too young and I ran off. End of story. Now I'm paying the price for being such a stupid little child."

Serena tilted her head surprised. She'd always thought...for so many years that she had influenced Blair's decision. She'd felt so guilty. Hearing Blair say that it had nothing to do with her lifted a huge weight from her chest.

Smiling Blair sat down next to Serena on the bed. "But you are right about one thing, he's the only one I'm ever going to want. The kind of love that I feel for him doesn't quiet, doesn't expire, doesn't go away. No matter how hard I tried to make it. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that."

Reaching behind her for her phone Serena started scrolling through her song list as the slight smile that had appeared on her face at Blair's revelation began to grow. "This time I really do have the perfect song."

"Uh oh, I don't know how I feel about this." Blair spoke stalling Serena's hand as she reached for the speakers.

Serena smiled brightly at her best friend. "Don't worry. I know I'm right this time."

That statement did not stop Blair from worrying as Serena pressed play.

_**If I know one thing, that's true**_**  
><strong>_**It**__**ain't**__**what you say, it's what you do**_**  
><strong>_**And you don't say much, yeah, that's true**_**  
><strong>_**But I listen when you do**_**  
><strong>_**A thousand years go by**_**  
><strong>_**But love don't die**_**  
><strong>  
>Blair could feel herself begin to move with the beat of the song almost without thinking about it. Her brow was still furrowed but at least the song wasn't proclaiming her jealousy yet.<p>

_**If I know one thing, that's true**_**  
><strong>_**It's that I'm never leaving you**_**  
><strong>_**And you don't say much, yeah, that's true**_**  
><strong>_**But I lose it when you do**_**  
><strong>_**Don't let them tell no lie**_**  
><strong>_**Love don't die**_

Slowly her smile was slipping back onto her face. Serena really was right this time. Every time Chuck spoke to her now she lost it a little trying to figure him out. Yet there was nothing he could say to her ever again that would make her leave him, nothing.

_**No matter where we go**_**  
><strong>_**Or even if we don't**_**  
><strong>_**And even if they try**_**  
><strong>_**They'll never take my body from your side**_**  
><strong>_**Love don't die**_

Now she could feel herself do more than move to the music, she was standing and pulling Serena up with her. "Now this is my kind of anthem."

_**If there is one thing, that's true**_**  
><strong>_**It's not what I say, it's what I do**_**  
><strong>_**And I say too much, yeah, that's true**_**  
><strong>_**So just listen to what I do**_**  
><strong>_**A thousand years go by**_**  
><strong>_**But love don't die**_

Serena laughed as Blair spun her before twisting under her arm and hopping onto her bed still in heels. She watched as Blair threw herself into the song completely losing herself in the lyrics.

_**No matter where we go**_**  
><strong>_**Or even if we don't**_**  
><strong>_**And even if they try**_**  
><strong>_**They'll never take my body from your side**_**  
><strong>_**Love don't die**_

Blair completely let go and felt every word of the song as though she'd written it herself. She knew that it was true, no matter what she said, Chuck wasn't going to hear her until he saw her mean it. She couldn't let go, she couldn't back down. Backing away now wasn't the answer. She had to let him see that no matter what he said or did she wasn't going anywhere.

_**You can break it up**_**  
><strong>_**Shake your money down**_**  
><strong>_**You can box it in**_**  
><strong>_**Bury it in the ground**_

She loved him, she loved him with every fiber of her being, with every ligament in her body, and with every single beat of what most people thought was a frozen heart. And there was nothing, nothing that could be done to turn this off. She had tried every way in the world but she wasn't going to try anymore, not again.

_**You can close it off and turn it away**_**  
><strong>_**Try to keep it down, six feet in the ground**_**  
><strong>_**But love don't die**_

And she wasn't going to let him do it either. Because she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it couldn't be killed, couldn't be buried, couldn't be eliminated. What they had was forever and she would fight to prove that until she reminded Chuck once and for all that what they had would never go away, that they were inevitable, that being with anyone else was just prolonging the pain that they felt when they weren't together.

_**No matter where we go**_**  
><strong>_**Or even if we don't**_**  
><strong>_**And even if they try**_**  
><strong>_**They'll never take my body from your side**_**  
><strong>_**Love don't die**_**  
><strong>

Serena watched Blair again, now that the song was nearing its end. Something was different, she could see that immediately. She had let go of a very big weight that had been holding her down. She was looser, freer, and lighter with every movement. The lines that had been tight around her eyes had loosened significantly. Something had changed.

_**No matter where we go**_**  
><strong>_**Or even if we don't**_**  
><strong>_**I'd like to watch them try**_**  
><strong>_**They'll never take my body from your side**_**  
><strong>_**Love don't die**_

Smirking at the line that said "I'd like to watch them try" Blair couldn't help but think about just how true she was going to make that last line. Opening her eyes she smiled down at Serena, watching as the blonde's eyebrows lifted in surprise.

"You're different." Serena spoke immediately, noticing a fire in Blair's gaze. "And you have a plan."

Blair's smirk widened. "Maybe not a plan. But I'm Blair Waldorf and that's all the plan I really need. I've been on the defensive ever since I found out about Gwen. Defending my right to be here, my right to want him, my right to fight for what I want. But all that time I was letting other people define those parameters. I was telling myself that I had to convince everyone that I belong in Chuck's life - but I'm not sure that I believed it myself. Now I do. And anyone who tries to stop me from proving to Chuck just how undeniable our love is is going to want to get out of my way because I'm not slowing down for anyone. Not anymore."

Serena smiled. This was the Blair she'd been expecting to come out from the start. Not the almost timid imitation of her friend. It wasn't that Blair wasn't mature now, wasn't a grown up. Serena believed Blair when she said that wasn't an act but she also knew that Blair hadn't really been fighting, she'd been holding back. And now she knew why - Blair hadn't yet allowed herself to believe that she should be with Chuck. Now she did. And Serena was glad that she was on this side of the line that Blair was going to be drawing in the sand. Because Blair, the master of all wars, was back. "It's about damn time."

Blair smiled brightly and flopped down onto the bed. Now she really could celebrate tonight because she finally knew that she was going to win this thing, whatever it took.

* * *

><p>Reviews are always appreciated.<p>

Xoxo  
>Kate<p> 


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